Paradoxical obsession and mental decline VENT

I'm feeling a deep despair washing over me. To preface, I am not in danger of committing self harm, or suicide. I can't treat my OCD without making it worse. This is something I've learned recently because of my meta OCD, but the thing is, I still obsess over the idea of "fixing it" and self treatment despite knowing that this is flawed and will only make it worse. I know that I need to essentially "hang in there" until I can seek professional help, but it's getting really impossible not to obsess over it because I can really feel it getting worse in real time. I have the automatic urge to try and stop and fix it, and then of course because I know this is wrong, I tried to prevent myself from doing that, which then becomes its own obsession, so the obsession to not be obsessed to get worse becomed an obsession and I feel like I'm now trapped in some sort of paradox and running myself into the ground. I'm extremely burned out and exhausted and have been for some time, but now it's getting notably hard to push through, especially with the seasons, and I am just a few months away from the next semester in college which will be my second one in which I will be doing three classes instead of 2. I'm becoming more and more obsessed over my general life in terms of the current day. Where I used to obsess about the past in the future, I am now obsessing about the present for better or for worse. But the thing is, I'm obsessing over my OCD in relation to school and everything involving that. I'm like getting worse and worse and even though I'm aware of my own flaws and what's causing this, there's nothing I can do to stop or mitigate it other than short term distraction. I'm slowly just degrading mentally and I'm watching my own downfall and there seems to be nothing I can do to stop it despite all the work and research I've done to try and put myself of a healthier path with OCD. My negative self perception, which leads to worse performance due to low confidence, is only getting more severe and I've become more prone to anxiety, panic, doubt, hesitation, and severe avoidance of triggers and potential triggers. I've also noticed and increase in the severity of effects that triggers have on me, and that more things are becoming triggers, even the mild or unassuming. Triggers are now more than just specifically heavy ideas and conversations like the word p3d0 or a politically charged debate, but now even vague concepts and phrases such as "heavily opinionated" or "the ethics of-" can be enough to trigger. I feel increasingly unstable and more prone to venting and feelings of guilt for having an increasingly negative and pessimistic energy to me. I'm painfully aware of many of my flaws and challenges yet fail to see a better way out if I can't achieve professional help, and so, keep defaulting to unfortunately trying to "fix" things on my own, making them even worse. I feel like a captain in his sinking ship. I made a promise not to abandon my ship, but it's going down, and I can't calm the ocean.

Boundaries

Date posted: 13h

This is beautifully written - you have a gift. It sounds really hard. But you sound smart. Try to focus on stuff you love - not the OCD which you hate. Be kind to yourself. I have a feeling you will be fine

Carsonfox

Date posted: 12h

I feel what you are saying here. I start obsessing over doomful feeling and when I try to do erp or get rid of it I make it worse. I don’t essentially know how to do erp for it but it’s almost like it gets what it wants in a way. Like I may think I’m doing erp because I feel “anxiety” but in reality I’m just making my self more aimless. So maybe it’s not a matter of making ourselves more aimless but incorporating direction and purpose that isn’t essential “perfect”. Let me know what you think I would love to hear your thought I am also a college student and have trouble doing class

jupiter

Date posted: 20w

I don’t know how to live anymore

(Long post warning) Hi, I’ve been struggling with severe OCD for six years now. it started in 2019 with my theme being getting sick/emetophobia. it devastated my life. I almost didn’t graduate high school from it. I remember washing my hands for three hours one day until they were nearly bloody while crying and asking why I could not stop doing it. I remember id have to write and rewrite sentences when I did my English homework and that’s why I nearly failed that class. I remember how I would spend up to thirty minutes to an hour pacing the halls of my apartment while my mom was asleep until I neutralized the thoughts about throwing up and I could finally go to bed. I don’t know when it happened, but my theme switched. Sometimes in late 2020 or early 2021, it switched to POCD. It started with a single thought, and I focused on it and it’s been my theme since then for four years. It has been absolutely destroying me. I feel so disgusted and lost and just tired. My compulsions are severe now. I thought they were bad before, but now they’re ten times worse. I can’t eat, drink, change my clothes, walk, or even do things on my phone normally. I’ve developed so many mental compulsions that it’s so intricate and complicated yet at the same time I’ve done them so much that they’ve become normal. An example I have is if im putting on a shirt and I have a “bad” thought, I have to take it off and put it back on two more times (that’ll make it 3 times I put the shirt back on - odd numbers are my safe number). I have to have a good thought on the third time otherwise I have to take it off and put it on two more times to make it five times I put on that shirt. If not that then I just put on a different shirt because the original is now tainted with my bad thought. I can’t open apps on my phone. It’s with the numbers again. If I open TikTok once while having a bad thought - I have to close it and open it two more times and so on. Sometimes I do it up to 30 times. So I just don’t do things usually. I don’t turn on the TV because I know I’ll redo it. I don’t open a book or grab it off my shelf because I’ll have to repeat the action. I can’t even lay in bed without getting up and redoing it even if im exhausted. I just feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. I feel disgusting and even now my minds screaming at me that I am dirty and what I think is true. I just wish I was free of this, I wish I could just live my life. I’ve wasted hours and days because of my compulsions. I mask it so well around my friends. I don’t do them in front of anyone or I’ve learned to hide it well. But when im back home alone, it goes haywire. I just want to live again.

NateN49

Date posted: 17w

Backed myself into a “self-help” corner

This is gonna be a long one: So a little over a month and a half ago, my OCD started to spiral again. I’ve had ups and downs with it in the past, my main themes often changing. When I was younger it as afraid I’d run away, in middle school it was germs. But as I got older I started having intrusive thoughts of the meaning of life, suicide, and dying, with those fears being my common themes now I’ve gotten a lot better since it started back up, but lately have been panicking because I’ve had intrusive thoughts that my methods of trying to heal are wrong. I’m 21, and for the last 3 years have lacked ambition and haven’t pursued my dreams or things I want to do. I just sleep, work, eat junk food, and play games or watch YouTube on my time off. Things I still love, but after years of living this way, I’ve hit a breaking point and want to start doing more with my life and the people in it Yet, almost EVERY new thing I’ve been trying to do or start, I’ve been having thoughts that they’re wrong or won’t help. Here’s some examples: I’ve started trying to eat a bit healthier, and my brain is telling me it’s not gonna fix me and I’m just avoiding food I like (junk I know makes me tired and sad). Then the moment I indulge in even one unhealthy food item, it tells me I’m failing at taking better care of myself and that junk food just numbs the feelings Same with video games. I tell myself it’s okay to play them as long as it’s not to avoid anything or they don’t take up my life like they have been. The second I do I feel guilty, say it’s cheap dopamine and hindering me from being productive and that I’m numbing my feelings again Same story for everything. Trying to walk and go outside more. Head tells me I’m avoiding being home because it makes me anxious. Then when I stay home it tells me I’m wasting time I could be spending outside or with people I love I’ll wanna spend time with my family or friends because I’ve been a hermit for years and miss spending time with them. When I try to, head tells me I can’t because then I’m avoiding the issues I have and seeking reassurance, and that I need to learn to tolerate this alone. But then when I stay home too long, I get anxious and sad because it does make me happy being around them even if I’m not seeking reassurance, and they genuinely do help me feel better (for example I saw my grandparents last night and talked about my feelings and desire to actually go out and live life, and they helped me understand uncertainty is part of life and I should do things I want anyways and even helped come up with things I may like to try doing. Now my brain tells me it’s bad to get help or open up about my pain) I’ll have racing thoughts in my head and I’ll be arguing with myself over rather it’s better to face them head on, ignore them, or let them run their course. It feels like no matter what I do, I’m feeling guilty and shame for it. As if any attempt at feeling pleasure or doing something that makes me happy is “avoiding the problem”, like I HAVE to focus on my intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and sadness 24/7 otherwise I’m “avoiding/burying it again” I know not to avoid these things and it’s best to confront them (if they’re real problems I have like relationship issues and insecurities and loneliness) and learn to tolerate the anxiety and uncertainty of life and OCD, but my attempts at “helping myself” are quite literally what I feel is currently keeping me so miserable. They’re sucking whatever joy I have in life out, telling me it’s bad, and that I have to feel this way all the time so I can “learn to tolerate it” I’m just so scared of doing all of this wrong, and I think my OCD I knows that and is currently using that to toy with me. I want to be healthier and happier, but then I feel guilt and fear for not being healthy 24/7 and indulging in not healthy things like video games and the occasional junk food. Anybody else ever felt this way?

hulder

Date posted: 14w

Just need to vent

Life has been so tough for me lately. I’ve been stuck in an OCD spiral since last December. Most of my fears come from incidentally causing harm to my family or others. I feel like every action is a moral conflict, or that any time I make a bad decision, act out of frustration, or self indulge in anything, I’m debating about whether I’m an awful person who doesn’t care about my kids, my wife, or other people. I’m a stay at home parent currently, and all three of my kids are neurodivergent, with my youngest being on the spectrum. My youngest is nonverbal, so my OCD loves to manipulate that, making it hard to know if my son is happy, sad, upset, etc. Always feeling like I’m worried I’ll make too many mistakes as a parent. That any time I lose my cool, it means I’m just this awful person and parent. I’m burnt out from the stress currently, so I always feel on edge, which makes it harder to have the mental power to resist compulsions. I am in OCD therapy, which has helped. But every time I feel like I’m taking steps in the right direction I get sucked back in. Every time I resist compulsions, I’m triggered almost immediately after. Because I’m a stay at home parent, and a lot of my triggers and themes involve harm to others, particularly my family, it’s just trigger after trigger after trigger. My wife is exhausted from my mental health, which just adds to the guilt I already feel. I hate that my mental health is affecting everyone, and it only reinforces the idea that I’m causing harm or suffering to those around me. I just need a break. I cannot keep living my life this way. This is the worst my OCD has been, and I feel so traumatized from all the days and hours I’ve spent feeling like I’m at my limit. Thanks for reading. Feel free to respond if you can relate. Just needed to vent.

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Paradoxical obsession and mental decline VENT

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