OCD and caregiver trauma — the fear of missing the next "sign" is destroying me.

Hi everyone! Pretty desperate here - I have always struggled with OCD, and maybe others can help me identify the subtype. I suspect “Pure O” but could be wrong. Long story short, my mother became very ill this spring and I became her caregiver/medical advocate. She lost all cognizance and was not lucid for months. She was misdiagnosed for a while and it wasn’t until May that she was properly diagnosed and placed on the correct medications. She was 69 pounds when I forced her into the hospital against her will (she was so confused she didn’t think she needed medical intervention). She wasn’t able to walk or even understand her own illness until late May/June. I stopped my entire life to help her and thank God I did. She somehow made it. After multiple hospital stays and surgeries and “she’s going to die” conversations, she was released and on the mend. I went back to work and my family and she went back to her house with the help of caregivers. It took a couple months, but she gained weight and got her strength back. She also became fully lucid, which came with other issues (like lashing out and high emotional stress). By October, she didn’t need a caregiver anymore and she now lives independently with her two dogs. My OCD was helpful when she was sick (although agonizing) because I used it to obsessively research her condition. I spoke with specialists and doctors from all over to get the right answers. I was miserable though, so I ended up getting on Prozac at the end of May (now I am at 40 mg). Once she got better and I returned to my own life, I was doing pretty well. I knew she was getting better because of the milestones (weight gain, walking her dogs again, driving again, etc). And maybe that was the scratch that itched the OCD – I had real evidence I couldn’t dispute. That has now since changed and I am suffering badly. She is physically better. Mentally not so much. She struggles with her own mental health issues and has for a long time (I suspect Borderline, OCD [confirmed], and PTSD). Now that she is able to take care of herself, her behavior is somewhat strange. She has purged all her belongings like clothes, old furniture, and anything that reminds her of the past. She is rageful when talking about the past. She is rageful when I ask her questions about how she is doing. She doesn’t take care of her personal appearance (not that it’s a priority). She is currently trying to move out of the house she was sick in, which is good. Her mental issues trigger my OCD though even though she is living independently again. I think her living independently (nobody regularly checking in on her) and witnessing her struggle emotionally and psychologically has become a host for my OCD again. I am constantly looking for reassurance that she is okay. I am constantly believing that there are signs I am missing that indicate she is declining again. I feel responsible for finding those signs and acting on them. I fear she isn’t taking her medication. I fear she isn’t eating enough. I fear she is lying to me about her well-being. I fear she is lying in bed all day dying just like she was in April. No matter what “evidence” I remind myself of, it’s never enough. Even when I know she’s better, my brain won’t stop. It follows with “but is she really though…? You might just be in denial because you can’t fathom going through this again.” When I call and she doesn’t pick up, I think the worst. When she says something mistakenly like she mixes up what she had for dinner, I think she’s losing her cognition. When she texts me, I analyze it. Is she being short? Is she confused? Is she going to kill herself because she’s not in a great head space? Why hasn’t she texted me today? Was the last time I saw her the last time I will EVER see her? What if I am missing a signal and she dies and it’s my fault? I intervened once before which helped save her life so what if I might need to do it again, always be on the look out… I am sure you are all aware of what this feels like and how paralyzing it is. I am in therapy and see a psychiatrist regularly. I am trying EMDR for the first time on Friday to deal with the trauma this spring has brought me as I think processing it will help me win this battle. Nonetheless, I am reaching out for support. It’s like I can’t allow myself to feel happiness about the future until I can guarantee what that looks like. I am wasting so much time and energy on the rumination that it’s ruining me as a mom, an employee, and a girlfriend. Not to mention the crippling depression and exhaustion that follows an entire day of cycling through thoughts.

mitchw

Date posted: 11h

I can sympathize with what you are going through. You are suffering a large amount of anxiety from your Mom being sick. I suffer the same with my Mom whenever she gets sick and needs to go to the hospital. It’s like our mind are living in a constant emergency room. I know my Mom calls me because I react so quickly because of my OCD and anxiety. I think we are afraid of losing them but eventually that will happen. I don’t know how old your Mom is ( my Mom is 85) . It’s very difficult because our personalities are such that we are problem solvers . We can’t just sit back and be patient. Our anxiety wants immediate answers. I find each episode allows me to be a bit less reactive. Talk to a Therapist helps and take medication if needed. Good luck with your Journey.

angelicalakatos

Date posted: 11h

@mitchw You’re totally right. Even minor symptoms of hers sends me into a crisis. She could say she has a sore throat and it’ll ruin my entire week with worries. My mom is 63. I’m definitely afraid of losing her but the fear is more control based. I don’t worry incessantly about her getting into a car wreck for example. I only worry about what’s already happened which for OCD is awful because it’s not like I can convince myself “oh that’ll probably never happen” because it already did lol. I can’t be patient because I’m constantly thinking of ways in which I could intervene to prevent her suffering. As I did before when she was. So it’s like I’m still taking on that caregiver role, waiting for the next emergency that should be happening any minute now. It’s like you don’t want to move on with your life because you don’t want to be taken off guard ever again.

Court

Date posted: 9h

I’m sorry you are dealing with all this. I can somewhat relate because my mom has been sick for 5 years with bipolar and substance abuse. She almost died a few times a year ago and my ocd has really latched onto that since like April. Like the person above said it’s like your mind is waiting in the emergency room all the time.. I’m no contact with my mom cus she has been abusive and I’m at the end of my rope but I’m still constantly scared of what the next thing will be (I hear it through my family) and I’m heartbroken at the same time that she is suffering so much. But now I have suffered a lot too because of it Anyway just know you’re not alone, I currently am not at peace with it so don’t have much advice other than you deserve to be okay too, just know I relate

angelicalakatos

Date posted: 8h

@Court Means a lot. And I’m so sorry about your mom and how much that has traumatized you. The uncertainty of it all is the most painful. You just want to skip right to the worst part to get it over with. And then you get glimpses of hope and OCD finds ways to crush it quickly. How do you cope? If you don’t mind me asking…

Court

Date posted: 7h

@angelicalakatos Thank you ❤️ and I relate to that so much on the glimpses of hope thing omg. It’s so frustrating how ocd works so hard to keep us stuck Honestly, right now I’m in therapy like 3 times a week. It really helps me to be around other people cus I feel isolated as I live alone and work from home so I try to see friends and do things that make me happy, pockets of joy. And excercise. But I’m struggling right now as the holidays are a bit triggering and trying to take it day by day What about you?

angelicalakatos

Date posted: 7h

@Court I’m in therapy as well and I’m on medication (Prozac)! I also think being alone makes it so much worse. My only issue is when I am having a really bad episode, I feel so paralyzed that any sort of activity sounds awful and like it’s “getting in the way” of me figuring out something important (ridiculous, I know). Sometimes it feels like until I get reassurance or “certainty” I can’t move onto the next thing in my life. It sounds crazy but it’s like if I’m doing something other than obsessing over my fears then I start worrying that the very thing I fear the most is going to come true and catch me off guard and ruin another moment in time where I was happy. So it’s like I’d rather stay hyper vigilant 100% of the time so I never have to feel the intense come down from happiness ever again. Even though that means staying miserable 100% of the time.

Court

Date posted: 6h

@angelicalakatos That sounds really hard because you’re likely worried if you’re not hyper vigilant that something will happen with your mom Something I have had to learn is I cannot save her. We have helped and technically saved her a few times, but ultimately her life is out of my hands. For example, my mom got a DUI two months ago. If she had hurt someone, that would not be my fault. I can’t control what she does. I do worry a lot about what she will do next, and it causes me pain and my ocd, but I don’t let it physically stop me in my day to day for the most part because there is literally nothing I can do. I don’t know if this helps

Iloveragnar1!

Date posted: 16w

New to this OCD thing… please help

So I’m new to this app and I knew there was something wrong w/ my brain for a few years now. I’m a professional volleyball player and was playing in France last year while in a long distance relationship. I would ruminate and think that one small thing was going to ruin my career every. Single. Day. And I have the fear that I NEEDED to end warm ups with a good hit or else I would play terribly. I had constant fears that my teammates don’t trust me and think I’m bad - when in reality and looking at the statistics I was one of the best players on the team - the fearful ruminating keeps me awake at night and it would get so bad that I would break into a rash on my neck. Lots of rashes from anxiety and over thinking :( My relationship was new but it was long distance. I never experienced this in my life: my mind became OBSESSED with the idea he might be ugly. I couldn’t stop thinking that he was ugly and feared that that meant I needed to break up with him and I felt like a terrible person constantly and the thought ate me alive - I was constantly googling about it to try and get some relief which I am now learning is seeking reassurance. I also have struggled with some forms of disordered eating for many years but it got so bad in France. I was binge eating a lot. I gained ten pounds in a month. I knew it and I felt it and I became OBSESSED with the idea that I’m so fat and a weak terrible person for not being able to control my binges. My therapist gave me some screener exams. I scored very highly on the anxiety test and the OCD test which blew my mind cuz I’ve never considered OCD in my whole life. I started taking Prozac which honestly I feel like saved my life. It’s been over 6 months since that point now and everything is so much more manageable. I’ve also recently learned that I may have autism as well. My brother has it and dad is convinced he has it but I was never diagnosed. I also learned I may have a bit of ADD as well recently. I’ve known I think differently for some time but this is just overwhelming and validating and confusing and a bit scary. My current obsession is worrying about my future career - I’m obsessed. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m so afraid of my making a lot of money in the future. I take aptitude tests all the time when I get anxiety or go on Reddit to hear about other people which makes me feel okay for a little but it always comes back. My head is spinning. I just want to enjoy being 24 and having an interesting career and trust that my life will be okay but I’m so convinced that I’m going to suffer immensely if I don’t start pursuing a high paying job immediately. Im a smart girl - graduated from UC Berkeley - have done tons of networking in different industries - I have a financial plan for the future for when I start a normal job - but I cant stop this cyclical torturous thinking that I’m going to be poor and suffer immensely I also learned a few years ago I have an anxious attachment style which I thought I worked through but in my new relationship I have strong feelings for him and I feel the intense fear abandonment coming up and I’m so scared I’m gonna ruin the relationship - I thought maybe I’m just someone who needs a lot of reassurance but if I have OCD maybe that will make it worse? Feeling like I need reassurance to regulate? I just would like some help - have you experienced this? Is this even OCD? Am I making things up for attention? I’m going to bring it up with my therapist.

pureonnoyance

Date posted: 12w

ROCD, Pure O are torture

I’m just realizing I have OCD. I have been diagnosed with adhd, autism and CPTSD but OCD never occurred to me until recently. My OCD manifests internally (pure O) then I seek reassurance for whatever topic I’m fixating on so of course I chalked it up to anxiety but it’s so much more than that. And I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. Now it’s really messing with my life. Lately, it’s been ROCD that’s been ruining me. I had a couple deep wounds created by my husband a few years ago and I’m constantly fixating on if he’s lying, really loves me, and or he wants to leave me. I’m constantly asking for reassurance and I think he’s getting tired of it. He’s an otherwise great partner but the OCD has really kicked in after I found out he was hiding a porn addiction, he hid it twice and it really ruined my self esteem and trust in him. Now I get triggered by every pretty girl I see, every social media post about relationships, I fixate on how unattractive he might find me or what’s wrong with me. I’m also aging in my thirties so I obsess over if he is getting less attracted as I age . I feel pathetic. Of course he always tells me I’m beautiful and he loves me but I’m always suspicious that he’s not being honest. I’ve always had OCD but this is the worst I’ve been with my relationship. I’m melting down and doubting us often and especially at night. It’s been a few years now and I feel like it’s gotten so hard. When I was younger it was health OCD, then it was existential, and I definitely fixate on if I’m “good” morally too. I’ll confess and overshare to people all my mistakes. And on top of the ROCD, I have pure OCD and get the worst images and intrusive thoughts at work/ random places and it’s horrible because I work with vulnerable people. My biggest nightmare and fear is pedophilia or assault, and I care deeply about my kids and vulnerable people so it’s like my mind hates me and these horrible images and thoughts fly at me l. I would never ever harm my kids or vulnerable people so this is especially disturbing and mortifying. I learned that OCD is ego dystonic and that’s helped but the images still make me feel awful. I also have been the scapegoat and black sheep in my narcissistic abusive family so I will my OCD will fixate on if I AM the narcissist! It’s exhausting. It got worse after I encountered my abuser in my family earlier this year and he brought up a lot of trauma. He is actually a narcissist but my brain will try to convince me that I am, and I will give in to the compulsion then do quizzes and tests and of course they tell me I’m not a narcissist, but then my OCD will make me think I am. I’m very empathetic and terrified of hurting people yet my brain tries to convince me I’m horrible, then the reassurance seeking and anxiety that manifests from my OCD and trauma makes me feel so self absorbed and sick of myself, convincing me I’m narcissistic for thinking of myself so much. I’m so exhausted by this. My brain tortures me. The overthinking is hard to combat. I really try hard to accept these thoughts as just thoughts but there’s always that voice creeping in that maybe the intrusive thoughts are right. Maybe I’m terrible and unlovable. I hate it.

reallyReally...

Date posted: 12w

i cannot stop trying to heal actual trauma

i am new to thinking about OCD - keep that in mind when reading. for a very long time without realizing it i obsessed over what mental health issues i had even though i wanted to stop and i never came across OCD. i think i eventually came to a subconscious decision to stop thinking about mental health issues after a very long time but it came back in an abusive relationship where i am pretty sure they have OCD even more severe than me. i think they misdiagnosed themselves with BPD and they are just very traumatized and have OCD about rejection and many other things but it could be both. they convinced me that i had BPD and i still do not know about that and i want to stop caring about that because my obvious OCD and PTSD are bigger problems. they intentionally hurt me a few times - this was because they convinced themselves that they had DID and everything they did was just another person doing that and i tried to help them resolve their mental health issues. this eventually worked as they now recognize that they did not have did and they are genuinely sorry and genuinely understand how damaging it was for them to hurt me and them have them be the only person that comforts me. it is extremely difficult to get comfort from other people except them and i am obsessed with trying to process emotions from repeated damage they have caused me over a 8 month lifespan. i was trying to say "its okay" to myself or tell myself that they truly didnt mean it afterwards and im attempting to stop that. the thoughts keep popping up. i was taking a long break where i only communicated to them through a mediator (my partner is now being very respectful) and i felt like i was truly healing but a few days ago i thought about if i have ocd or not and it made me realize that i was entirely dependent on them for comfort and i miss that love feeling i want nothing except that love feeling back without the abuse. this made me spiral horribly and i begged the mediator to let me talk to them and then i started talking to them for a few days, regardless of how understanding and kind they were they still made me feel like i need to puke because of how bad i felt for them and how much pain is associated with them. i started actually dissociating a few days ago which they did a lot. things feel blurry just like how they described. i think i needed to do it in order to talk to them for an extended period. i ended up helping them by telling them about ocd even though im tired of helping them through everything and having them rely on me i just wanted to give them the tools to feel good but it made me feel terrible because i always used to help them and then feel bad and it made me throw up after i wanted to take a break. i was healing and talking to them set me back really far - i learned a lot about how they feel about this and i learned a lot about why i do this in the first place but it hurts so much and i cant let myself talk to them again. i keep trying to process my ptsd when the memories come back and constant dissociation is making it harder i hope that ends soon. im worrying that im suppressing my emotions all of the time because they thought that was why they originally thought i was feeling bad and not the trauma. i am trying to seek a psychiatrist and therapy soon but i am reliant on my mom for that and i dont know what to do or if shes going to do something thats good for me. im excited to see the psychiatrist though. im 17. i am at the point now where i just want to stop having the highs and the lows and just be neutral all the time but its so hard to break out of these patterns. its really hard to sleep enough. genuinely any advice for any information i have provided would be appreciated no matter how small

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OCD and caregiver trauma — the fear of missing the next "sign" is destroying me.

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