I'm disgusted at how far this has gotten 20+ only

Adults only please, no minors For a decade I've been struggling with a porn addiction. It's very compulsive and I don't want to engage with it but I do anyway to escape my anxiety and feelings of the present and the challenges that are attached to it. I remember when I was a teenager I would look up celebrity pornography that would be real, photoshopped, or animated. I didn't think much of it at all, much like all of the porn that I consumed when I was that young. My porn viewing habits have escalated back to that and I looked for a lot of celebrities porn that was animated using digital models of the celebrities. Deep down this disgusts me and I feel like I'm violating and objectifying these celebrities in a way I shouldn't be. I didn't make any content like that but it's the fact that I had the thought and urge to consume it is what bothers me. As much as I don't want to admit it, it was more appealing than the more vanilla content that I watch in comparison, but this is because I've become so desensitized to the same videos I watch sometimes. I like wrestling quite a bit, but I also found it very sexual and I fetishize fictional characters I like in those scenarios along with real wrestlers as well. I've seen videos of them in pornographic scenarios, photoshops, real pictures and videos of them, and drawings. I can't help but feel attracted to this stuff but deep down I know I just should not be watching this because it makes me feel wrong and I just feel it's unethical. This is eating away at me and I know I'm going to lose sleep over it but at the same time I recognize that this addiction is a big problem in my life that leaves me feeling absolutely horrible about myself and I don't want to deal with it anymore. But, as far as my OCD is here, it's going to be here hand and hand with it because when my anxiety is way too overwhelming I escape to porn. I also notice that the usual videos weren't doing it so I went looking for more violent, extreme content overall. I just want this to stop. I don't know how I'm going to put this past myself while also feeling good about myself as a person.

HOY

Date posted: 1h

am 20 with pocd episodes going through a similar thing, dont lose hope, we are here togeter

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1h

Hope it gets better for you

arthasofazeroth

Date posted: 2h

Also another thing: I’m 22 years old and I’m a survivor of CSA. Porn & Erotica writing is sort of my way of coping with trauma but it’s also a way for me to take back control of something I didn’t have control of then.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2h

I'm very sorry that happened to you in the past. You didn't deserve that and that's a hard thing to go through. I hope you're getting the therapy you deserve to get through that. For me, that early exposure did a number on me and I guess it's just been a way to cope with high stress in my life. That's how I'm still using it to this day

arthasofazeroth

Date posted: 43m

@BigGyro09 It’s okay, most of it was due to early exposure to pornography. Seeing things a kid shouldn’t see at the age I was. But I’ve come to accept it was mainly my parents fault, not the porn itself really. Don’t get me wrong, there are certainly problematic porn out there but the main influence that led to my abuse was neglect. And I hope you get through this OCD spike you are having. I promise you these don’t last forever. The mental illness we all share is a mental battlefield but we are always the general at the helm who delivers the winning blow eventually. Sometimes we lose a battle, but we don’t lose a war. I understand using porn to cope. I use it in the same way. Just try to stick to things that you feel are more healthy for you personally. Don’t be ashamed of the things your brain wired you to desire. We have no control over that, especially when you are a kid who gets exposed to pornography at such a young age. You LITERALLY can’t control what happens to your brain when that happens. It’s not your fault, and it’s something I’ve gone through. You aren’t alone in this! 💞

BigGyro09

Date posted: 13w

21+ NO MINORS real event,

So I'm still struggling with pornography unfortunately and it took a bad turn. In the past when I was a lot younger I've seen a lot of photoshopped porn of celebrities and didn't think anything of it. Aside from celebrities the other portion of that was wrestling themed content. I do like wrestling and enjoy watching the stories and athleticism but I also do think it can be very sexual which I don't mind. There have been times where I insert fantasies of fictional characters wrestling in revealing attire and some real wrestlers that have shown themselves doing the same and also do sex work or have done it. Then I recently escalated back to the photoshopped and animated porn of wrestlers and it made me feel terrible deep down but I just couldn't stop looking for more and more content. I don't mind the fantasies but I feel like I overdid this and I feel a lot of shame about it. Deep down I didn't like what I was seeing whatsoever but I didn't click off and stop watching like I usually did when coming across that stuff when looking for softcore content.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 9w

Anxiety, POCD, real event 20+ only

So am I'm beginning to understand my anxiety more, I feel like it's becoming harder to understand. I'm not really sure why but I have steps that I'm taking to truly try and get through handling these feelings. Adults only please . . . . . It's made me realize why I watch porn because it's to get away from the anxiety and it's the only time I'm not feeling anxiety but it ends up coming back stronger and I end up feeling worse afterwards. What bothers me even more is when disgusting pedophiles post stuff with fictional child characters in it (People say it's legal because they aren't real and that's just sick to me and it means creeps and monsters can use this and have no consequences) on YouTube and I just happen to be scrolling by videos and boom stupid stuff like that is just there and it feels intense anxiety and pretty much dying on the inside because of nasty shit like that. I just want to be able to control my anxiety and not have it control me anymore. Does any other adults and ONLY ADULTS relate?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 21d

Got a "what am I doing with my life moment" 20+

Adults only I'm at a very very low point when it comes to this addiction. I feel like I've been escalating to more extreme videos that I would have hated to even look at it I weren't so addicted. I feel ashamed that I used AI videos when escalating and the shame and guilt are really strong. I don't really know what to do other than not be on my phone for the majority of the day and when I'm going to bed. I just feel disgusting about myself. I hate that this has been in my life for over a decade. I remember the times where my life was carefree, I didn't have anxiety, and I was much more relaxed. Now I'm just consumed with unwanted sexual thoughts, urges, and wanting to go back to this stuff time and time again. Everytime I tell myself that I can't keep doing this anymore and that I don't want to, I find myself right back. This stuff gets in the way of my sleep, my goals, and trying to get help for my obsessive compulsive disorder.

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I'm disgusted at how far this has gotten 20+ only

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