Hi! Firstly thanks to everyone on this group, such a beautiful supportive network. I wrote earlier a few times but basically wanted some advice...so I’m a girl with HOCD so fear of being gay. And my wonderful therapist (who’s helping me with CBT/ ERP) is a female and she’s been amazing with help... and now my OCD is giving me intrusive thoughts about her (HOCD themes). Has anyone else encountered this? Is this normal ? And most importantly, so I persevere? Thanks again!

ERP: “I might have a thing for her. Oh, well. I guess we’ll see.”

It would be abnormal if you didn’t have thoughts like that when HOCD is flaring.

I’m sorry you’re struggling. I am too, that’s why I’m here. I know you weren’t gay shaming, I have no judgment about you, your relationship, your identity, or anything other than that we both have OCD issues. I’m currently dealing with major guilt issues. So my affecting you made my guilt soar. It just escalated very quickly! Clearing the air, I really didn’t mean to sound any negative or triggering way to you. I’m just very open and when you mentioned you’re in CBT I thought discussing worst/best case scenario examples would be okay. I didn’t realize my comment would make things worse and knowing what I do now, I wouldn’t do it over again.

I’m so sorry you are struggling. I’m sorry I also made you feel guilty. It was actually fine to discuss those :) don’t feel bad! I only spiked I guess cos I thought you had HOCD and from that found out you were gay.. but I didn’t know it was to do with guilt... please don’t feel guilty. You deserve to be happy. This life is short. Chase and cherish whatever makes you happy. Thank you :) and I’m sorry again. I wish I could be of more help xx

Basically I love my boyfriend and I dream of marrying him, and waking up next to him everyday. I was doing okay with OCD like doing my exposures, right now I’m struggling and I don’t want to spiral

The thing is, curiosity doesn’t make you gay at all. It makes you human. Sometimes I get thoughts about men now but I know I’m not interested because it was never right for me and because (similar to you) I’m in a monogamous relationship with someone I see myself with forever and know that I can say no to any temptation - man or woman - for her. The same way you can for your boyfriend that you love.

Sorry your comment was very triggering. I have an OCD. And diagnosed, so please refrain from it. I love my boyfriend that I’m with. And I’m happy being straight. There’s nothing wrong with being gay, I never said that.

@shishi

Sorry to have triggered you. It wasn’t my intention, my intention was to share my past experience with questioning worst case scenario as CBT. I’ll remove it for you.

@shishi HOCD is different to being gay, so please do not post something that might trigger someone

@shishi your OCD wasn’t HOCD then... it was something else. That connection you described, I’m happy for you but I’ve never felt that with a girl. Only boys. And love with only boys. So whilst you thought your message wasn’t bad, it set me back a few steps in my recovery. And now I feel awful.

Maybe it’s best if you stop shaming me. I’ve stated my intention. Ive deleted my well-intentioned post. I’ve apologized for the result. Like come on if you’re sensitive to OCD triggers you shouldn’t go out of your way to make someone feel guilty. Thanks.

I’m sorry I’m not angry at you. I’m sure you didn’t mean to sound the way you did. Im just upset and anxious right now.

And I’m really struggling

Im sorry, to avoid misunderstanding - I know there isn’t anything wrong with being gay. I’m actually a huge advocate for gay rights. I just struggle with HOCD and losing my sexual identity as a straight person. @shishi also was that your intention? Because I wasn’t gay shaming at all!

@shishi I’m really sorry, but I’m kind of struggling badly and I’ve spiked terribly :( not to say this is your fault AT ALL but can you go back to what you said about your HOCD and your CBT? I just want to know if it’s different to what I’m going through :( sorry

@nicole310 I can assure you if you do not feel sexually interested in women as you do with men, you are not gay. I think we live in one of the hardest times for people with HOCD today. The nature of entertainment, ads, celebrities, everything is centered around women’s beauty. Even male models are being praised for having characteristically feminine features. So I truly don’t want to make it worse. But I can try and help carefully

Thanks, it’s hard for me because before HOCD started I used to get random thoughts about curiousity with the same sex but that’s all it was. Thoughts. I never did anything. After HOCD, it’s like whoah why did I think that etc etc. it’s terrible. And now I definitely don’t want to (even though my mind tells me that’s what I want) I was hoping you could share your experiences with HOCD? If it’s too much, that’s okay :( I understand 100% and I don’t want to trigger you at all.

It’s also hard because HOCD diminishes sex drive all together so it’s very confusing. My psychologist said it’s all part of OCD and anxiety.

@shishi some insight please?

Sorry it took so long it was harder to talk about than I imagined it would be - it’s not something that I ever talk about with people anymore really

Thank you so much. I’m really sorry to ask that of you. I really hope you’re happy now and I wish you the best in your OCD recovery

No problem. I removed it in case it was too much for anyone else.