Hello here is a story of my past trauma that turned my life upside down and made my ocd monster under my bed. So in high school i said one word and that was the end of me,Bullied ,Abandoned by friends,Isolated,Hated,Made fun off ,Violence, Now im alone no friends ,no job,sick and beat down emotionally ,I feel like a part of me died and all thats left is unresolved hate . "Be it a rock or a grain of sand, in water they sink as the same." Doesnt matter how big or little sin or mistake can be the end of u, Life really is crazy.

So I know a lot of people search for the cause of OCD so to speak. And while no known direct cause is really scientifically stated and it just seems to be a huge puzzle right now (like the human brain in general honestly), I'd like to talk about where I think my OCD roots from. I'm unsure why I'm posting this, writing my thoughts off probably. I digress, I think for me it started actually after getting bullied/isolated at school. I don't hear people on this app talking about this a lot but I bet a lot of us have been bullied/ignored/isolated before. I've read in a study before that the odds of developing OCD after bullying is from what I can recall 10 times more likely (I think it was even more). It was a higher odds than with depression, which shocked me at first because everyone knows that bullying can onset and that it increases the chance for that depression. But then I gave it a thought. The bullying made me become more perfectionistic, making me feel like I couldn't do anything right, lose self confidence, doubt myself a lot, etc. Perfect recipe for OCD, it sounds like. If anyone's interested I'll post below what my experiences at school were, but honestly I am more interested if many of you guys also went through something similiar.

I don’t even know the wrong from the the right anymore I don’t even know how to talk to people without thinking that I offended them or spoke to them in a bad way I don’t even know what i became I don’t want what I became i just cry looking at my hands I cry looking at myself i feel pathetic I feel so desperate I was never this weak and now look at me not being able to control my own behaviors. What happened to the girl who always laughed and cared so much about herself the girl who loved nail polish and was so close to god in away no one imagined what happened to the girl who used to take full grades and be the smartest what happened to me. Isn’t it sad looking at myself with pity, helpless and full of doubt! I don’t deserve this. I know what’s I’m gonna say know sounds selfish but i do compare myself to others I wasn’t as bad as them so why me and not them! Why me !!... I’m loosing my mind I’m getting angry when I’m left alone I’m giving ocd the keys for the prison it made for me I’m letting it control me not that I want to but im not fighting back. Now im with no friends, with a family that doesn’t understand ocd, and a corrupted society that doesn’t value mental health. I’m so sad i feel like a baby rn but im actually so sad and lonely im conditioned now to believe that no one wants me, that im just a burden and need to be silent, not important and useless.... Idk even know what to say anymore

Ok sorry this is kinda a quick post just desperate for help. Any advice anyone who can provide some help or advice. I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed and suicidal at the moment so writing this isn’t easy, I’m struggling to find the words to describe how I’m feeling right now, so I’m just gonna lay it out as it is. Although I haven’t been formally diagnosed with ocd I have allot and I mean allot of the symptoms. My life and mental state is horrible and it’s hard. Ur I try and get get by with the good things in my life. Sorry I’m not here for a pity party or sob story. I know you all are better and have enough to worry about. Basically I had a friend who was 14 and I met when I was 17. We talked for a few months and while we where pretty chill out conversations sometimes involved more suggestive things. Talking as teenagers do. However as I was getting close to being 18 I knew I had to stop this out of morals and my own judgement. So I did. Or so I thought, I’m my opinion what i said here was wrong and my ocd if I even have it is telling me I’m a creep and some monster who deserves to die and suffer. Basically now I was at the time 18 we where playing Truth and dare. Classic party game for boring nights. And I asked what there best pickup line was. I responded to there’s with “aha that was funny” and moved on. I just feel the dare I said was sexual or inappropriate to ask them. And I feel horrible so horrible I can’t even begin to explain it. I feel hopeless and I’m slowly losing grip of myself. I don’t wanna seem like I’m begging or asking for reassurance but any semblance of hope would help. Or advice honestly I would be great full for both. Thank you for reading whoever you are and i hope ur day is going better than mine.