WHY CAN’T I BE NORMAL AND GO TO WORK LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKING PERSON. What is wrong with me. What the fuck is wrong with me. Wow, I feel like such a fucking failure. I don’t understand. My family is so disappointed in me I can just feel it and this is the first time they haven’t given me shit about not working. The silence is deafening. My head is spinning. My family is disappointed in me, my mom is definitely pissed and my dad doesn’t understand mental health and probably sees me as weak and pathetic. Every time I think about work I start shaking. I haven’t worked since the summer because of college but it just made this all worse. I don’t know everything about how to get back to work or what is going on at work so I sent one email to the wrong (probably) supervisor and that was it. God I’m so dead. I need a car because the one I use now belongs to my parents and they’re taking it for my brother and I don’t have the money to pay for a car and I don’t know what I’m going to do. What am I going to do. I’m going to force myself into unemployment and everyone will think I’m pathetic and lazy and i don’t understand why I’d rather cut myself a hundred times than go to work because all I want is to make my family proud of me. I’m just failing. I can’t do it. My brother talks about how he’d “do anything for money” and I just CAN’T and I feel so helpless like he has this advantage over me and I just can’t do anything. I’m so scared I’ll get to work and mess something up and my bosses will scream at me. I’m so scared of being the reason everything goes wrong. I don’t want to be yelled at by customers or my boss and it doesn’t make sense but I can’t pick up the phone to call anyone because if I do bad things will happen and people will yell. I don’t know what to do I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and I just feel like I need to say I’m sorry to my family and to god over and over and over because I can’t take care of myself and it’s affecting the people I love and I don’t want it to.

Don’t feel guilty. You experience thought processes that others don’t have to deal with. You’re actually doing great. Keep your head held high.

You're doing Great dont rush though, you help in whatever you can even if it's little. Heal first. Dont ask for forgiveness simply just say Thank you. We all need a little push, a mentor, a brace, a guide. And that's nothing to be ashamed of. Take your time. The best flowers take time to bloom.

First, deep breath. Don't beat yourself up. For every negative situation that came from my life, I turned it into a positive. I know it's not what you want to hear right know. Just know, I was in a similar situation. Had no job for a long while, felt useless to my family. Go back to the drawing board. Start small. It's best to write or plan out. It sounded like you're out of a job. So, today, for instance, start looking for jobs in your area. Next day, start searching for affordable cars, like on Car max or something. Start with goals that you feel you can do easily. I know you are freaking out right now, but take a deep breath. Go for a walk. I know the world feels like a prison right now. There is help out there. I hear you, and I can see that you are in a lot of pain. Just know you are stronger than you think. Don't believe me? Sit down and write in a journal all the strengths, what people like about you. You're having a shitty day, and it will pass. Sometimes it helps to have a clear mind after a good night's rest, exercise or aafter a nice long walk. If you are having a mental health crisis, I encourage you to speak to someone one on one.

If disability (short term or long term) is offered by your company then now is the time. Head to your doctor ASAP, ask if they would support it based on your diagnosis(es) and your current work environment. Many times disability from a specific company/role (not social security disability) is based on your ability to continue working that role (not any job at all) and if you have a good doctor most are very supportive. You are doing a lot of things I do (catasrophizing, labeling and judging myself, predicting the future... and saying I’m sorry too much). Remember to be kind to yourself. You may need some time to do that - just make sure if you don’t go back to work soon you may want to look into some immediate ERP, therapy, or intensive outpatient program... it’s one of OCD’s games... you stop being able to function within a toxic work environment, and then not working leaves us just to our thoughts which are just as paralyzing. Keep with what you’re doing, let people help, and count everything you did today that you haven’t been able to do on another day (that could include getting out of bed)! I recently got a small book on Mindfulness for OCD which was super helpful. I wish you, everyone here, and myself the best in this journey. PS. I hard day too.

I'm in a similar situation. I'm about to quit my job this week. I'm interviewing for another job.

Thank you to everyone who responded to this. I’m doing better this morning. It’s still stressing me out but I’m not panicking as much

Oh, I'm sorry again! I meant "working" NOT woring (because it sounds like "whoring") . And I misspelled your name in the beginning. Forgive me!!!

I can somewhat relate. I had to take several weeks of FMLA leave due to serious worsening of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts (following a suicide attempt). I wanted to get so much personal stuff done before going back to work, but I ended up having to use that time to deal with several other unexpected emergencies so when it was time to go back to work (after several weeks - I think it was 6), I still didn’t feel ready, but I’ve been slowly easing back into it starting with 1-4 hours per day, which slowly increased from 1 hour up to four hours over the course of a month. Well, I work for a university so we’ve been off since 12/21, and I’m dreading going back again! In fact, I still feel like my personal life is such a mess, and I’ll never be able to get to a decent place mentally if I have to juggle work and personal life, and I suffer from narcolepsy, so I only have so much energy in a given day. I feel like I need several months completely off to get my personal life under control, but my therapist (who is overseeing my FMLA) can relate to my issues, and told me that I need to return to work, even if it is just for limited hours. Also, I’m not sure if your issue is 100% related to your OCD, or is a combination of your work environment and OCD. If it is the latter, you might want to look into getting a different job, and maybe it might be helpful to disclose that you have a disability (OCD is covered under the ADA) to potentially have more understanding from your superiors. But again, IDK how much of your anxiety is related to actual work conditions or is a byproduct of your OCD blowing minor events out of proportion in your head. If you do go back to your current job, I highly recommend easing back into work a little bit at a time and building up as our OCD subsides, which is exactly how ERP works. If your employer isn’t on board for such reduced hours, you might need to involve HR regarding reasonable accommodation for your disability (OCD). It really sucks, but if I can do it, anyone can do it. Also, don’t believe all of your thoughts (like in regards to people being disappointed in you, etc.), I’m willing to bet that most of those are lies that your OCD has made up, especially since my OCD does that too! Best of luck!!!

Hi. Beth! I as well applied for FMLA, but it is managed by my supervisor (personal leave). When it came time to tell her about why I was asking for leave, I choked. I told her it was for an anxiety disorder, not OCD, and that the harassment I was receiving at work was only compounding that. She replied in disbelief, "That's it!?" I was not comfortable disclosing anything further, including the fact that I was seeing a therapist. So I am planning to quit my job because I feel burned out in my current job.

Wow, thank you for responding and being open about your situation. I'm running out of time (going back to work, fulfilling my my obligatory 2 wks notice). But thank you Beth for your advice and for your time. I'll try to update you. I'm glad you're getting your life back together. Best of luck to you as well!

Thank you, HappySCMommy! You must be some kind of angel sent down to earth to help others! I cried after reading your post! I went to work today and discovered my name not on the schedule and immediately thought, wow, I've been "let go" at my job (catastrophizing), which was odd because I didn't receive a call from my supervisor. So, I unpack my locker and drive home in a state of shock, thinking to myself wow I've just been fired. Turns out, I just got my schedule mixed up! Yes, you are right, on many points,including the fact that I say sorry a lot, sometimes for no reason at all! So, thank you again for your support and advice. I hope for the best for you as well!?