Jordean

Date posted: 5y

WHY CAN’T I BE NORMAL AND GO TO WORK LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKING PERSON. What is wrong with me. What the fuck is wrong with me. Wow, I feel like such a fucking failure. I don’t understand. My family is so disappointed in me I can just feel it and this is the first time they haven’t given me shit about not working. The silence is deafening. My head is spinning. My family is disappointed in me, my mom is definitely pissed and my dad doesn’t understand mental health and probably sees me as weak and pathetic. Every time I think about work I start shaking. I haven’t worked since the summer because of college but it just made this all worse. I don’t know everything about how to get back to work or what is going on at work so I sent one email to the wrong (probably) supervisor and that was it. God I’m so dead. I need a car because the one I use now belongs to my parents and they’re taking it for my brother and I don’t have the money to pay for a car and I don’t know what I’m going to do. What am I going to do. I’m going to force myself into unemployment and everyone will think I’m pathetic and lazy and i don’t understand why I’d rather cut myself a hundred times than go to work because all I want is to make my family proud of me. I’m just failing. I can’t do it. My brother talks about how he’d “do anything for money” and I just CAN’T and I feel so helpless like he has this advantage over me and I just can’t do anything. I’m so scared I’ll get to work and mess something up and my bosses will scream at me. I’m so scared of being the reason everything goes wrong. I don’t want to be yelled at by customers or my boss and it doesn’t make sense but I can’t pick up the phone to call anyone because if I do bad things will happen and people will yell. I don’t know what to do I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and I just feel like I need to say I’m sorry to my family and to god over and over and over because I can’t take care of myself and it’s affecting the people I love and I don’t want it to.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Don’t feel guilty. You experience thought processes that others don’t have to deal with. You’re actually doing great. Keep your head held high.

RH212002

Date posted: 5y

You're doing Great dont rush though, you help in whatever you can even if it's little. Heal first. Dont ask for forgiveness simply just say Thank you. We all need a little push, a mentor, a brace, a guide. And that's nothing to be ashamed of. Take your time. The best flowers take time to bloom.

JCM

Date posted: 5y

First, deep breath. Don't beat yourself up. For every negative situation that came from my life, I turned it into a positive. I know it's not what you want to hear right know. Just know, I was in a similar situation. Had no job for a long while, felt useless to my family. Go back to the drawing board. Start small. It's best to write or plan out. It sounded like you're out of a job. So, today, for instance, start looking for jobs in your area. Next day, start searching for affordable cars, like on Car max or something. Start with goals that you feel you can do easily. I know you are freaking out right now, but take a deep breath. Go for a walk. I know the world feels like a prison right now. There is help out there. I hear you, and I can see that you are in a lot of pain. Just know you are stronger than you think. Don't believe me? Sit down and write in a journal all the strengths, what people like about you. You're having a shitty day, and it will pass. Sometimes it helps to have a clear mind after a good night's rest, exercise or aafter a nice long walk. If you are having a mental health crisis, I encourage you to speak to someone one on one.

JCM

Date posted: 5y

Oops, somewhere in my post, I meant "now" not "know". You'll know where.

HappySCMommy

Date posted: 5y

If disability (short term or long term) is offered by your company then now is the time. Head to your doctor ASAP, ask if they would support it based on your diagnosis(es) and your current work environment. Many times disability from a specific company/role (not social security disability) is based on your ability to continue working that role (not any job at all) and if you have a good doctor most are very supportive. You are doing a lot of things I do (catasrophizing, labeling and judging myself, predicting the future... and saying I’m sorry too much). Remember to be kind to yourself. You may need some time to do that - just make sure if you don’t go back to work soon you may want to look into some immediate ERP, therapy, or intensive outpatient program... it’s one of OCD’s games... you stop being able to function within a toxic work environment, and then not working leaves us just to our thoughts which are just as paralyzing. Keep with what you’re doing, let people help, and count everything you did today that you haven’t been able to do on another day (that could include getting out of bed)! I recently got a small book on Mindfulness for OCD which was super helpful. I wish you, everyone here, and myself the best in this journey. PS. I hard day too.

JCM

Date posted: 5y

I'm in a similar situation. I'm about to quit my job this week. I'm interviewing for another job.

Jordean

Date posted: 5y

Thank you to everyone who responded to this. I’m doing better this morning. It’s still stressing me out but I’m not panicking as much

JCM

Date posted: 5y

Glad to hear that you are feeling better, Jordan. Focus your energy on creating and woring towards your goals, not On beating yourself up. -"Let your energy be used to build, not destroy"(from my tea bag this morning ?). You got this one, Jordyn!

JCM

Date posted: 5y

Oh, I'm sorry again! I meant "working" NOT woring (because it sounds like "whoring") . And I misspelled your name in the beginning. Forgive me!!!

Beth823

Date posted: 5y

I can somewhat relate. I had to take several weeks of FMLA leave due to serious worsening of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts (following a suicide attempt). I wanted to get so much personal stuff done before going back to work, but I ended up having to use that time to deal with several other unexpected emergencies so when it was time to go back to work (after several weeks - I think it was 6), I still didn’t feel ready, but I’ve been slowly easing back into it starting with 1-4 hours per day, which slowly increased from 1 hour up to four hours over the course of a month. Well, I work for a university so we’ve been off since 12/21, and I’m dreading going back again! In fact, I still feel like my personal life is such a mess, and I’ll never be able to get to a decent place mentally if I have to juggle work and personal life, and I suffer from narcolepsy, so I only have so much energy in a given day. I feel like I need several months completely off to get my personal life under control, but my therapist (who is overseeing my FMLA) can relate to my issues, and told me that I need to return to work, even if it is just for limited hours. Also, I’m not sure if your issue is 100% related to your OCD, or is a combination of your work environment and OCD. If it is the latter, you might want to look into getting a different job, and maybe it might be helpful to disclose that you have a disability (OCD is covered under the ADA) to potentially have more understanding from your superiors. But again, IDK how much of your anxiety is related to actual work conditions or is a byproduct of your OCD blowing minor events out of proportion in your head. If you do go back to your current job, I highly recommend easing back into work a little bit at a time and building up as our OCD subsides, which is exactly how ERP works. If your employer isn’t on board for such reduced hours, you might need to involve HR regarding reasonable accommodation for your disability (OCD). It really sucks, but if I can do it, anyone can do it. Also, don’t believe all of your thoughts (like in regards to people being disappointed in you, etc.), I’m willing to bet that most of those are lies that your OCD has made up, especially since my OCD does that too! Best of luck!!!

JCM

Date posted: 5y

Hi. Beth! I as well applied for FMLA, but it is managed by my supervisor (personal leave). When it came time to tell her about why I was asking for leave, I choked. I told her it was for an anxiety disorder, not OCD, and that the harassment I was receiving at work was only compounding that. She replied in disbelief, "That's it!?" I was not comfortable disclosing anything further, including the fact that I was seeing a therapist. So I am planning to quit my job because I feel burned out in my current job.

Beth823

Date posted: 5y

So, IDK what organization and company you work for, but in the United States, your medical / health information is supposed to be 100% confidential and the specifics are NOT to be shared with anyone other than a representative within Human Resources department, ESPECIALLY NOT YOUR SUPERVISOR! I had a previous supervisor that tried pulling similar bullshit regarding a reasonable accommodation, and wanting to read the request before submitting it to HR (she should have not been involved in the first place), so instead, I wrote what needed to be written sealed it in an enveloped and signed my name / signature, along the seal, so she wasn’t able to open it before giving it to HR, and I know if she had, she would have wanted me to change some of the verbiage (because it made her look bad, but she was a terrible supervisor who was seriously violating my protections as an employee, so it needed to be done). Fortunately, that situation was regarding a physical disability (narcolepsy), which is more understandable and WAY LESS STIGMATIZED than mental disorders. In regards to my current FMLA, and my current / WAY BETTER AND UNDERSTANDING supervisor, I only disclosed to her that I was having serious mental and physical health problems (which was true since my mental health caused my physical health to worsen). She never saw the actual FMLA paperwork, and has no idea that it is my therapist who is submitting the documentation, AND THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE! At this point, in your situation, the damage between you and your supervisor is already done, and might only get worse, so you might be better off finding another job, especially if the work environment is mostly what is triggering your issues (mine was mostly related to my personal life). BUT, you might want to reach out to your HR department (if available) to explain the situation and learn more about your options.

Beth823

Date posted: 5y

@Beth823 BTW, my terrible supervisor also yelled at me after the fact that I had signed my name across the seal, which was also bullshit. I took a lot of bullying from her that was TOTAL UNACCEPTABLE and 100% interfered with my rights as an employee and made my anxiety and other health issues skyrocket because I worked in a toxic work environment. I’m so happy to be out of that situation, so leaving might be your best option. Best of luck!!!

JCM

Date posted: 5y

Wow, thank you for responding and being open about your situation. I'm running out of time (going back to work, fulfilling my my obligatory 2 wks notice). But thank you Beth for your advice and for your time. I'll try to update you. I'm glad you're getting your life back together. Best of luck to you as well!

JCM

Date posted: 5y

Thank you, HappySCMommy! You must be some kind of angel sent down to earth to help others! I cried after reading your post! I went to work today and discovered my name not on the schedule and immediately thought, wow, I've been "let go" at my job (catastrophizing), which was odd because I didn't receive a call from my supervisor. So, I unpack my locker and drive home in a state of shock, thinking to myself wow I've just been fired. Turns out, I just got my schedule mixed up! Yes, you are right, on many points,including the fact that I say sorry a lot, sometimes for no reason at all! So, thank you again for your support and advice. I hope for the best for you as well!?

neverdealing...

Date posted: 21w

Confused and it makes me feel stupid

I’m definitely having an episode right now. A few times I’ve thought about coming onto this app and writing something but then I spiral further and further and I forget about anything except what’s triggering me. Then I think about this app again and intend to write a post… but again I’m spiraling too hard to focus on anything else. But I finally ended up here because I got an email from NOCD. I opened it and read about someone who ‘overcame their OCD.’ It made me spiral harder, because I genuinely don’t understand how someone can control this. How do I stop? How do I silence my brain? I was told to sit with my thoughts and not try to divert them, but if I do that I have an extreme episode so bad that I feel disconnected from myself. I looked at myself in the mirror and it felt like my eyes were seeing someone standing in front of me and not my reflection. It scares me to think that I will be experiencing these episodes forever. I literally just put my phone down twice because I thought my cat was choking to death because he had a hairball (he’s fine) I just feel like I can’t see a way out of this. It’s not curable, and I don’t understand how someone can ‘conquer’ something that feels so out of control Obviously it’s possible, but unfortunately that reassurance doesn’t always break through the most awful thoughts Sometimes there’s nothing that can make me calm down, I just have to ride it out I hope there’s never a day where it’s so out of control that I can’t keep it in at work, and I ruin my own life by having a severe panic attack while I’m there and being fired. If I had the type of episodes at work that I have consistently at home, I would be so humiliated. It scares me. I’m trying so hard to be normal like everyone else. I just want to be happy. I just want to live.

SugarCookiessᰔ

Date posted: 15w

To anyone who cares

I’m really depressed and lately life has been really really bad. Everyday, it’s like something horrible happens and my mind tries to make me forget it. My family life isn’t that great and everything is super tough for me. It’s like when I get better I go like a million steps back. I ended up doing something bad today:ended up becoming aggressive to myself and caused some ouchies) it hurt a lot and right now I’m really stressed and have been for a while. My mental well being has been extremely bad these days. I have obsessive compulsive disorder but for me it’s decently strong so it’s hard to contain, Complex-trauma, depression, and possibly ADHD. It’s an awful mix. My life is a living hell everyday. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep lying to myself to Myself that I’m getting better when in reality I’m in so much pain, it’s like I’m barely doing anything at all. Please, help, I’ve been acting not like myself. I want to live, even though it’s extremely difficult too and I rather much not be here, but people are counting on me and I don’t want to fail them. How can I convince myself to stay a little longer when I am fully burnt out from trying to get better? I’m in so much pain. I don’t know how to even deal with it. I’m so lost, I might lose it more, and I’m scared for myself. I feel like I don’t even deserve help. I’m so mentally unwell I can’t even think correctly. I hate everything and just want to sleep forever and ever. I’m so numb to it all. I don’t feel anything anymore.

Anonymous

Date posted: 13w

Just venting....

Hi. I'm just sort of feeling kind of shitty and in moments like these I tend to swing to one extreme or the other, like methodicially and intensely trying to pull apart every piece of what I am feeling and why, determine what is a "real" problem and what is just a bad mood, and take action to "fix" myself, the problem, or ensure that future me will fix it by setting reminders, planning, or just generally freaking out lol. That can all be a bit compulsive, but I don't want to do my other thing, which is just aggressively ignore or try to deny my feelings because they are "not real" or I just need to "let them go". But I'm feeling a little frozen in my fears so I am hoping de-tangling it a bit in words here will be a good middle ground. I'm about to be a senior in college, and I live in the city where my school is. I haven't seen my family for a bit and I am currently spending a weekend with them at the beach. Today was just kind of rough and has made the past, present, and future collide in my head, fanning fears of both external problems and the fear of fear itself, the fear of OCD spirals. I want to more specically describe the problems I have been having since starting college, but I guess for getting through today that isn't really the point. I guess just....I've been trying to create a life for myself and become someone who is strong enough to live it. I have ADHD and OCD and sometimes it just feels like half my energy goes to functioning through that, and the other half goes to resisting the OCD-urge to spiral about the future, to fear I'll let my life fall apart or won't be able to fix the normal, big and small problems life brings. Today has just felt.....hard. I ate something that made me really sick last night, and I didn't take my normal dose of Adderall today or yesterday which can just make me sort of sleepy. On both phsyical counts, I think I'm fine and don't really feel bad anymore, it just sort of triggered some overthinking. I feel scared that feeling kind of tired has/will effect my ability to enjoy what is supposed to be a relaxing time, or that I won't' have as much energy as I should to do things with my family and will disspoint them. I'm scared that the journey back to the city tomorrow will be chaotic and awful, and that when I return I will continue to make mistakes that put me in negative cycles. Strangely, I'm kind of aware that all of these concerns are either possibly not going to happen, or are just things I definetely cannot do anything about right now. I'm just sort of...frustrated that I can't easily shove away worries I know to be "illogical" and deeply afraid of spiraling deeper. All of these different things overlapping right now just sort of make me feel like I've failed. Failed to.....I don't know, resist compulsions and get over them faster, accomplish things in life and school faster/more, be less socially anxious. Failed to get on the right track, to make any kind of progress. Strangely, a lot of the discomfort I'm feeling in this moment indirectly sort of comes from things I am doing "right", to break cycles. I didn't bring my meds because I want to work on the discomfort I feel with spending time without the goal of productivity, I don't have an exact plan for everything I need to do and I have not psyched myself up to tackled my most urgent goals when I get home because I've also been working on finding ways of doing uncomfortable things that don't involve motivating myself through terror when I can't do anything about it. I'm letting myself take time to cry about all these feelings and write this out here because I don't want to deny myself what I need to get better because I feel like I shouldn't need it. I'm hoping, in a way, even the shitty day I've had today is a sign of progress, my OCD desperately seeking a host in fear of fear because I am beating other compulsions. I think there's also something to be said for the unserious but still powerful issue of just fucking being on vacation with your extended family. Like....its hard to take a moment to cry it out or calm yourself down when you're sharing a bedroom with your mom and sister. I'm feeling glad I'm going home tomorrow, scared of how I might feel when I do, and I guess....fearful of what it means that I wasn't "able" to enjoy myself for the whole time I was here. But those feelings do feel much more distant, after writing this. The time will pass and I will go home regardless. When I get home, maybe I will make "better" choices or be "stronger", maybe I will dig a deep hole for myself. Either way, that's not my burden right now or today. I've tried that method and it didn't get me what I want.

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