Jordean

Date posted: 5y

WHY CAN’T I BE NORMAL AND GO TO WORK LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKING PERSON. What is wrong with me. What the fuck is wrong with me. Wow, I feel like such a fucking failure. I don’t understand. My family is so disappointed in me I can just feel it and this is the first time they haven’t given me shit about not working. The silence is deafening. My head is spinning. My family is disappointed in me, my mom is definitely pissed and my dad doesn’t understand mental health and probably sees me as weak and pathetic. Every time I think about work I start shaking. I haven’t worked since the summer because of college but it just made this all worse. I don’t know everything about how to get back to work or what is going on at work so I sent one email to the wrong (probably) supervisor and that was it. God I’m so dead. I need a car because the one I use now belongs to my parents and they’re taking it for my brother and I don’t have the money to pay for a car and I don’t know what I’m going to do. What am I going to do. I’m going to force myself into unemployment and everyone will think I’m pathetic and lazy and i don’t understand why I’d rather cut myself a hundred times than go to work because all I want is to make my family proud of me. I’m just failing. I can’t do it. My brother talks about how he’d “do anything for money” and I just CAN’T and I feel so helpless like he has this advantage over me and I just can’t do anything. I’m so scared I’ll get to work and mess something up and my bosses will scream at me. I’m so scared of being the reason everything goes wrong. I don’t want to be yelled at by customers or my boss and it doesn’t make sense but I can’t pick up the phone to call anyone because if I do bad things will happen and people will yell. I don’t know what to do I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and I just feel like I need to say I’m sorry to my family and to god over and over and over because I can’t take care of myself and it’s affecting the people I love and I don’t want it to.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Don’t feel guilty. You experience thought processes that others don’t have to deal with. You’re actually doing great. Keep your head held high.

RH212002

Date posted: 5y

You're doing Great dont rush though, you help in whatever you can even if it's little. Heal first. Dont ask for forgiveness simply just say Thank you. We all need a little push, a mentor, a brace, a guide. And that's nothing to be ashamed of. Take your time. The best flowers take time to bloom.

JCM

Date posted: 5y

First, deep breath. Don't beat yourself up. For every negative situation that came from my life, I turned it into a positive. I know it's not what you want to hear right know. Just know, I was in a similar situation. Had no job for a long while, felt useless to my family. Go back to the drawing board. Start small. It's best to write or plan out. It sounded like you're out of a job. So, today, for instance, start looking for jobs in your area. Next day, start searching for affordable cars, like on Car max or something. Start with goals that you feel you can do easily. I know you are freaking out right now, but take a deep breath. Go for a walk. I know the world feels like a prison right now. There is help out there. I hear you, and I can see that you are in a lot of pain. Just know you are stronger than you think. Don't believe me? Sit down and write in a journal all the strengths, what people like about you. You're having a shitty day, and it will pass. Sometimes it helps to have a clear mind after a good night's rest, exercise or aafter a nice long walk. If you are having a mental health crisis, I encourage you to speak to someone one on one.

JCM

Date posted: 5y

Oops, somewhere in my post, I meant "now" not "know". You'll know where.

HappySCMommy

Date posted: 5y

If disability (short term or long term) is offered by your company then now is the time. Head to your doctor ASAP, ask if they would support it based on your diagnosis(es) and your current work environment. Many times disability from a specific company/role (not social security disability) is based on your ability to continue working that role (not any job at all) and if you have a good doctor most are very supportive. You are doing a lot of things I do (catasrophizing, labeling and judging myself, predicting the future... and saying I’m sorry too much). Remember to be kind to yourself. You may need some time to do that - just make sure if you don’t go back to work soon you may want to look into some immediate ERP, therapy, or intensive outpatient program... it’s one of OCD’s games... you stop being able to function within a toxic work environment, and then not working leaves us just to our thoughts which are just as paralyzing. Keep with what you’re doing, let people help, and count everything you did today that you haven’t been able to do on another day (that could include getting out of bed)! I recently got a small book on Mindfulness for OCD which was super helpful. I wish you, everyone here, and myself the best in this journey. PS. I hard day too.

JCM

Date posted: 5y

I'm in a similar situation. I'm about to quit my job this week. I'm interviewing for another job.

Jordean

Date posted: 5y

Thank you to everyone who responded to this. I’m doing better this morning. It’s still stressing me out but I’m not panicking as much

JCM

Date posted: 5y

Glad to hear that you are feeling better, Jordan. Focus your energy on creating and woring towards your goals, not On beating yourself up. -"Let your energy be used to build, not destroy"(from my tea bag this morning ?). You got this one, Jordyn!

JCM

Date posted: 5y

Oh, I'm sorry again! I meant "working" NOT woring (because it sounds like "whoring") . And I misspelled your name in the beginning. Forgive me!!!

Beth823

Date posted: 5y

I can somewhat relate. I had to take several weeks of FMLA leave due to serious worsening of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts (following a suicide attempt). I wanted to get so much personal stuff done before going back to work, but I ended up having to use that time to deal with several other unexpected emergencies so when it was time to go back to work (after several weeks - I think it was 6), I still didn’t feel ready, but I’ve been slowly easing back into it starting with 1-4 hours per day, which slowly increased from 1 hour up to four hours over the course of a month. Well, I work for a university so we’ve been off since 12/21, and I’m dreading going back again! In fact, I still feel like my personal life is such a mess, and I’ll never be able to get to a decent place mentally if I have to juggle work and personal life, and I suffer from narcolepsy, so I only have so much energy in a given day. I feel like I need several months completely off to get my personal life under control, but my therapist (who is overseeing my FMLA) can relate to my issues, and told me that I need to return to work, even if it is just for limited hours. Also, I’m not sure if your issue is 100% related to your OCD, or is a combination of your work environment and OCD. If it is the latter, you might want to look into getting a different job, and maybe it might be helpful to disclose that you have a disability (OCD is covered under the ADA) to potentially have more understanding from your superiors. But again, IDK how much of your anxiety is related to actual work conditions or is a byproduct of your OCD blowing minor events out of proportion in your head. If you do go back to your current job, I highly recommend easing back into work a little bit at a time and building up as our OCD subsides, which is exactly how ERP works. If your employer isn’t on board for such reduced hours, you might need to involve HR regarding reasonable accommodation for your disability (OCD). It really sucks, but if I can do it, anyone can do it. Also, don’t believe all of your thoughts (like in regards to people being disappointed in you, etc.), I’m willing to bet that most of those are lies that your OCD has made up, especially since my OCD does that too! Best of luck!!!

JCM

Date posted: 5y

Hi. Beth! I as well applied for FMLA, but it is managed by my supervisor (personal leave). When it came time to tell her about why I was asking for leave, I choked. I told her it was for an anxiety disorder, not OCD, and that the harassment I was receiving at work was only compounding that. She replied in disbelief, "That's it!?" I was not comfortable disclosing anything further, including the fact that I was seeing a therapist. So I am planning to quit my job because I feel burned out in my current job.

Beth823

Date posted: 5y

So, IDK what organization and company you work for, but in the United States, your medical / health information is supposed to be 100% confidential and the specifics are NOT to be shared with anyone other than a representative within Human Resources department, ESPECIALLY NOT YOUR SUPERVISOR! I had a previous supervisor that tried pulling similar bullshit regarding a reasonable accommodation, and wanting to read the request before submitting it to HR (she should have not been involved in the first place), so instead, I wrote what needed to be written sealed it in an enveloped and signed my name / signature, along the seal, so she wasn’t able to open it before giving it to HR, and I know if she had, she would have wanted me to change some of the verbiage (because it made her look bad, but she was a terrible supervisor who was seriously violating my protections as an employee, so it needed to be done). Fortunately, that situation was regarding a physical disability (narcolepsy), which is more understandable and WAY LESS STIGMATIZED than mental disorders. In regards to my current FMLA, and my current / WAY BETTER AND UNDERSTANDING supervisor, I only disclosed to her that I was having serious mental and physical health problems (which was true since my mental health caused my physical health to worsen). She never saw the actual FMLA paperwork, and has no idea that it is my therapist who is submitting the documentation, AND THAT’S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE! At this point, in your situation, the damage between you and your supervisor is already done, and might only get worse, so you might be better off finding another job, especially if the work environment is mostly what is triggering your issues (mine was mostly related to my personal life). BUT, you might want to reach out to your HR department (if available) to explain the situation and learn more about your options.

Beth823

Date posted: 5y

@Beth823 BTW, my terrible supervisor also yelled at me after the fact that I had signed my name across the seal, which was also bullshit. I took a lot of bullying from her that was TOTAL UNACCEPTABLE and 100% interfered with my rights as an employee and made my anxiety and other health issues skyrocket because I worked in a toxic work environment. I’m so happy to be out of that situation, so leaving might be your best option. Best of luck!!!

JCM

Date posted: 5y

Wow, thank you for responding and being open about your situation. I'm running out of time (going back to work, fulfilling my my obligatory 2 wks notice). But thank you Beth for your advice and for your time. I'll try to update you. I'm glad you're getting your life back together. Best of luck to you as well!

JCM

Date posted: 5y

Thank you, HappySCMommy! You must be some kind of angel sent down to earth to help others! I cried after reading your post! I went to work today and discovered my name not on the schedule and immediately thought, wow, I've been "let go" at my job (catastrophizing), which was odd because I didn't receive a call from my supervisor. So, I unpack my locker and drive home in a state of shock, thinking to myself wow I've just been fired. Turns out, I just got my schedule mixed up! Yes, you are right, on many points,including the fact that I say sorry a lot, sometimes for no reason at all! So, thank you again for your support and advice. I hope for the best for you as well!?

uncertain_Aly

Date posted: 25w

Does OCD impact your ability to get to work?

Often times I find myself spiraling out in the morning about all sorts of things. When I try and catch myself and figure out what I am obsessing over it’s like it goes away. I haven’t moved. I have been sitting frozen on the floor because I can’t go to work because I am behind on work and I hate being late and I hate being messy but I am frequently late and my room is cluttered and full of stuff. I want to be good and move and go to work but I don’t know what is coming today and I hate my job so I know I will get bored and when I have nothing to keep me busy and engaged I like start thinking and taking an inventory of what is going on and then I will feel a sensation and what is the sensation? How did it happen? And I know that I will pick up the bad emotions in the office and get contaminated, I was really worried about things like this as a kid too I cried because I had to touch dirt in kindergarten. I know I am this way and I have been this way for a while but at the same time I think I might just be normal and like I don’t know why I get stuck in thinking like this. Then I begin to doubt that OCD is real because everyone has a brain with wiring and everyone gets stuck in thought sometimes. I feel disabled from whatever this is because I am stuck. I literally cannot move because I don’t know what’s wrong and I know I have to go to work even though I feel like every moment I spend there is making everything worse because other people are so stressed and I get it from them. And I don’t feel ready because I just feel off and something is wrong and I just don’t know what to do because if it’s OCD or not OCD everything anyone knows about me is coming from me and I worry that I am often masking all the thinking I’m doing because thinking all the time is rude and inconsiderate and inconvenient for those around me, but I can’t stop. I just don’t feel right, right now - and I want to know WHY?? Why is everything off all the time? How do I even know that I am not making up the experience of OCD in my head to cover up something really wrong with me and now I am taking on the symptoms of OCD like an actress, because this could be something that I can latch onto as a final hope for explaining why I am stuck. So stuck so deeply and terribly stuck sitting on my floor next to my bed just scrolling to avoid thinking because any time I start thinking I am left with no answers or help or anything just this swirly feeling. I know I am trying, maybe not my best, but as much as I possibly can. I want to be a Special Education Teacher but I have so much so so so much doubt and uncertainty about every decision I make and everything I know that I can’t get there right now. I can’t do anything right now until it feels ok and then I will. It never feels ok. I know I have to be ok not feeling ok about it. I can be unsure and still be ok. I know it’s just my thinking and my body but I just can’t get past this feeling. And then I know that because I can calm myself and be ok even though I spent 2 hours of my life today already feeling stuck and spinning around and around and around in my head - I don’t feel sure about my OCD and I think it’s a bit of a scam made up by people to cultivate pathology around deep human thought because one day I might figure it out and we all think a lot.

oopiedoop

Date posted: 23w

terrified im a spoiled brat

im so nervous to post this i feel like this is stupid but i feel so gross rn grew up poor, lived in a gross moldy house infested with bugs & a gaping hole in the bathroom floor. my parents did everything they could to make ends meet while also balancing taking care of my sick little brother who almost passed away twice as a baby from a rare disorder & paying for his medical expenses. i spent a pretty big chunk of my life as a kid without my parents because they were with my brother in the hospital, & after he got out i basically had to be a junior parent at very young always so scared of him dying at any moment if i take my eyes off him (i am not blaming him in any way i would do anything for him i love him so much) fast forward to now im 21 & living at home unemployed with ASD, BPD, OCD, autoimmune issues & chronic pain, my parents make way more money, we live in a pretty nice house now & they take care of all my expenses. i am incredibly thankful for everything that we have & my parents deserve everything theyve worked for, but im terrified im just some lazy spoiled little shit that wont get a life. i do everything i can to help out my parents even with my health issues, of course because i genuinely care to help them but also so i can feel "deserving" if that makes sense. always helping around the house, running errands, helping take care of my brother (whos now 17 but still needing care for his disorder on top of his own ASD & mental health issues), constantly asking if i can do anything to help out, but i just cant get this veruca salt spoiled little princess type caricature of myself that just sits around being a brat out of my head. ive been finally working at getting my first job with a side gig on ebay but im beating myself up because i think to myself "do i even need this job? other people my age get jobs to survive. i dont technically HAVE to get one, my parents pay for all my necessities, i only want to work so i can have my own life & not rely on my parents forever." sure im not some trust fund baby born into wealth, we still have to be careful with money but i have so much more than so many people & im so scared that i dont deserve it. its been killing me to the point of me compulsively searching shit all the time about rich people, how much money is too much money, how to know if you're spoiled, etc etc. im terrified people in the job world will look at me like the little spoiled bitch that had mummy & daddys money & just scoff at me- but i feel too ashamed to even talk about this because im terrified of looking like some rich kid preaching "oooh but rich people have problems toooo we're just like you guys!!!" i just dont know what to do. my ocd was horrible when i was 17 but overtime i was able to what i thought was "defeat" it, i went a while with no intrusive thoughts, but now this theme has taken over my brain. i feel disgusting.

Young adults with OCD

Vee4

Date posted: 21w

Rant

I'm really frustrated right now because once again I feel like I can't keep up with my own brain and I just can't keep doing this. I'm so tired of doing this. My head is always going and going and going and I just want to unplug it. It makes me so stressed. It's like I have someone else in my head who won't shut up and is always pointing everything I do out. Like I'm walking on eggshells around myself so I don't trigger these thoughts. But if I walk on egg shells then it just goes on about something else and I feel like I'm going crazy.. I feel so bad because it makes me so snappy. I want to bash my head in because I'm so over it. The only thing I know that helps is anxiety meds, because I had one one time and it actually really helped me (it didn't even do it's job! Because of how bad my anxiety is!! I'm just so desperate at this point for relief) But the last time I brought up going on meds for anxiety with my mom she said I'll get addicted, like my dad, or my grandma, or whoever else in my family because everyone in my family is addicted to SOMETHING. I don't see the issue in trying though. I feel like I'm someone who could really benefit from anxiety meds. I don't talk about my feelings often BECAUSE of anxiety, so it seems like I'm just trying to go on meds for no reason. But it's like..my body hurts. All the time. And my brain never stops. My brain is so messed up. I feel like I could do so much more if I wasn't like this. It's never going away, I've tried and I've tried and I'm still a mess. I just want it to stop. I'm not asking for much. I just want the fear to stop and the intrusive thoughts to stop and the racing thoughts and the feelings of doom and the nervousness and and I actually want to feel okay in my own skin for fucking once. I've tried everything nothing works im losing patience and I'm losing hope. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel like my brain is broken and that makes me sad to be honest. I feel like everyone around me can work. Why can't my stupid brain work???? I try so hard. I try so hard all the time. And it still doesn't do what it needs to do. I hate myself so much.

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