i’m getting freaked out by myself. Please help. I was wondering if it was wrong to have sex with someone if one person was drunk or tipsy and the other wasn’t but they gave consent. I thought for me at least not anyone else, that if i gave consent when inebriated then it would be okay. But also i see how it’s wrong because why would you want to do anything with someone who is under the influence or not be on the same level as someone when doing these things. A guy i was talking to said he didn’t wanna kiss me once because i was tipsy one night and said no matter what he wouldn’t even touch a girl if she had a drink and i completely understand that, but in my mind if i give consent then that’s okay. Is that wrong though? I don’t like how my automatic response wasn’t the same as his. I don’t want to take advantage of someone or anything ever so i searched it up and people were saying that you can’t give consent when inebriated so now i feel like a terrible person. I feel even worse because when i was thinking of scenarios it felt like i was a little turned on and i feel wrong because what if i felt that way because i enjoyed the thought of taking advantage of someone and but i just don’t want to be the type of person that would do that to someone or think it’s okay. This may be tmi but i imagined giving a guy head and he was drunk but he enjoyed it and it turned me on but now i hate myself because that’s literally wrong. I’ve never even had sex before but i’m still worrying about this. Now i know i for sure wouldn’t engage in anything with someone under the influence but i feel like I don’t even know how i felt about this in the beginning, i feel like my mind automatically jumped to me being the worst. Like is kissing someone when one is drunk and the other isn’t wrong? I just want to avoid doing something wrong or taking advantage of someone at all costs but i’m stressed because what if my way of thinking thinks it’s okay to do those things. Like even if my mind is telling me it’s okay i will avoid and not even go near a drunk guy or try anything but i don’t like that I thought that was okay or that my body responded that way when thinking about it. I hate this. I don’t want this to be me but what if it is. Like why do i feel a sense of arousal or a groinal response when i think about it? is it because it’s of a sexual nature? is it misattribution of arousal? Or am i just actually the worst person on earth? I hope it’s everything but the last, but it seems like that’s the truth. Like this is making me want to refrain from engaging in anything sexual with anyone because i just feel wrong as a person now and that no matter what i’ll be taking advantage of them because of my thoughts.

I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh

**TMI Warning: This post is very personal and might be uncomfortable for some.** I’m feeling panicked and need to get this out. I have intrusive thoughts that make me question my morals, especially about consent. I have a CNC preference (consent to non-consent), but I feel so conflicted because I know how horrifying and heartbreaking real non-consensual acts are. The thought of anyone suffering in that way is so awful, yet I get thoughts that feel like I’m justifying the real thing—the immoral thing. Sometimes, I feel like I have to focus hard just to truly condemn it, and that terrifies me. It’s hard to separate these thoughts from who I am, and I’m scared it means something terrible about me. I feel so much shame for having a CNC preference. I know it’s rooted in consent, but I feel like I’ve never had certainty that I fully condemn the real thing. I’m scared that deep down, I might think it’s all the same.

I feel like a really terrible person right now, I keep replaying this, and no matter what I can’t remember what happened, it’s like my brain is purposely not letting me think about it. Without wasting any more time, I’ll get into it. Basically, I was at Walmart, and looking at cards with My Dad, I saw anime ones, took pictures of them for my sister, even ones that were anime kids, because I did my best to ignore it, so I looked at a Hunter x Hunter card, I stared at the black haired kid, being all like “ I’m glad I’m not having any thoughts about this, I’m glad I’m having normal thoughts and not thinking anything” I felt happy, then as soon as I looked at killua (white haired kid), everything collapsed. I don’t know what happened, my brain won’t let me remember. But I’ll give bits and pieces. I think that I had false attraction, and something in my head, said “oh, I wouldn’t mind being attracted.” “He is attractive, and I’m attracted to him.” “I remember a girl thinking he is attractive and he is” “ It’s not wrong to be attracted” “ I don’t care about his age” .. something along the lines of that, and now I’m panicking super hard, because I’m worried if I said those things, I feel like I ruined my life that I’m a pe//do and deserve nothing, idk what to do, I feel terrible… I remember when I was having the intrusive thoughts, I was panicking and was worrying, but it kept playing out, and I kept hearing things talk, it was drawn out too long, that now I feel convinced that I was saying those things, I tested it too, and I can confirm that I didn’t say that, but why am I still not convinced? I know I wouldn’t say those things, I was hoping the complete opposite would happen. My brain kept making me feel like it wasn’t wrong and it was okay. Maybe that’s why I’m so convinced I did that. I’m just spiraling super bad right now, I don’t know what to do or what to think, I don’t know if I said that or not… even if I did test it, I genuinely just feel like I said it, and I wanted it, because I still feel uncertain, I still feel like I said it, part of me just wants to be like oh I did and so I can move on, not because I agree with it, I just don’t know what else to do… I’m really scared.