I can't remember when my hocd started but when I was at my gymnastics I always thought that the other girls thought I was gay so I'd prove to them and tell them about my crushes on boys to show them that I was straight. Idek why they would think I was gay I just thought they did for some reason. Then for some reason I couldn't stop looking at their boobs I was like obsessed with them but I wasn't attracted to them it was really weird..I only had these thoughts while I was at gymnastics, but then a couple months later I was at a pool and I had this feeling that felt like heavy and awful that I was gay. I couldn't stop thinking about it for days after it was all I could think about. I looked up "I keep thinking I'm gay and I don't want to be" and saw hocd show up. I was so relieved, but the thoughts just kept coming back so I just kept obsessing about the fact I might be gay. I looked up pictures of pretty girls to see if I was attracted and I felt the best feeling ever when I wasn't. I had one panic attack and started bawling because I thought I was actually turning gay even though I had only ever had crushes on guys before. For hours and hours I would look up "hocd or denial" and would bawl if I had like 1 symptom of denial. All I could think about in school was "what if I'm gay "what if I like her" "oh shit." It was awful. Then things started to get really scary. I started to feel somewhat attracted to girls and I was freaking the hell out. I even kinda had a teeny crush on a guy (which eventually turned into a relationship for about three months but I stopped liking him and so we broke up). But then I got terrified that I had a crush on this one girl and am still scared to hell that I do like her. Every time I see her I get really anxious and I can't stop staring at her, this happened with a couple different girls too but I've gotten over them and knew that I didn't really like them. But this "crush" won't go away and I hateeeee it I honestly wish I never met her or knew who she was. I can't tell if I like her or if it's just hocd it's so confusing. I eventually told my best friend about this and she said she had OCD too so not to worry.. ?yeah right. Then I figured out that bisexuality was a thing I'd never heard of it before but I freaked out . (I'm only 14 so I don't know a ton about that kind of stuff) and started to obsess about that and am still obsessing about it. Recently my hocd will come and go every few days and it makes me so anxious when I don't obsess about it because I'm worried that I've accepted that I'm bi. I just try to avoid girls so I don't have the thoughts. Every day the thoughts seem more and more real and Idek anymore.. I'm sorry this was long but I just wanted to share my story of hocd. If anyone Is willing to share theirs that would be great, hope y'all have a good thanksgiving!

Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).

Okay so I have been struggling with HOCD for so fucking long. I never felt like I had crushes on boys growing up but I wasn’t attracted to girls either (this was through 5th grade). Until 6th grade hit. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had the thought walking up the stairs and it was “You’re lesbian.” And ever since that thought was there and I fought it I have been dealing with all types of OCD ever since (been going on for 7 years). And only this year I found it was OCD. But it’s hard because I don’t know if I’m actually gay or I convinced myself I’m gay because I gave up and gave in. Now whenever I see I pretty girl I feel tingling. And I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian so I look up pretty pictures of girls with their boobs out and I loved it. And I wanna make out with a girl so intensely. But then at the same I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a girl and I wanna marry a guy and I just desperately wanted to be like by a guy. But I get so horny whenever girls are in bikinis and stuff. But I have OCD and I’m so confused.

Hi all, I'm new here and I guess self diagnosed or unsure of if I have HOCD. So I'd just like to get my story out there and just see if it's relatable at all or if I'm just denying my feelings, if anyone can respond..(sorry for a long one) It's been causing me a lot of stress lately and it can't shake the constant loop of thoughts like "Am I a lesbian", "you're not boy crazy so you must not be attracted to men", " you fit these stereotypes so that must mean you are". It all started when I was young like 13/14 when I had watched lesbian porn online accidentally at first and then I had watched a few more because it was the first time I had watched porn at all, let alone same sex porn. So I guess I was curious at the time and like you read "sexual things can cause a sexual response". So I was fine with what I watched but then like a few years later it was like, you watched that video and had a sexual response that must mean you liked it and want to be in that type of relationship. And that really stuck in my head. I began thinking about how I've never had a boyfriend and never felt like my friends when they would be drooling over boys, but I just assumed that having a boyfriends was something I'd get when I was older and like ready. Like I did have crushes, but also had low self esteem and just assumed that no guy would ever like me. Additionally I don't think I've ever looked at another girl and felt attracted to them or the need to be with them. But then reading things online caused me to doubt that. Anyways the thoughts come and go and sometimes I'm able to tune them out for months or years, but recently I have been really stressed about them. I currently have a boyfriend and I enjoy spending time and being with him. But these thoughts have been causing a lot of anxiety with respect to my relationship because then I think am I just dating him to his my feelings,I'm just stringing him along and using him. But I know that I don't want to break up. I find that I am searching stuff online a lot to try and find an answer, and then reading all those things makes me compare myself. Like the stereotypes and things I put to myself like oh I like playing sports that's a masculine thing, and how I dress and I don't find myself pretty or dainty so that must mean I'm not girly. It's a thought overload and making me so anxious because I feel like I don't know myself anymore and that I fear I've been lying to everyone if I figure out that I'm not straight. and like even if I thought I was bisexual that would be okay because that doesn't completely eliminate dating men, and I could still only date men. But being completely on the other end of the spectrum would feel like I'd have to completely shift my thoughts to fit and make these looped thoughts go away. I guess all I want to know is if this is normal or if it's ocd at all, am I just lying to myself or trying to hide my true self because I'm afraid of the consequence?? And I know that reassurance seeking which I shouldn't do hahah but this is my first time seeking ocd help and I may not get a therapist soon because of where I live.