I can't remember when my hocd started but when I was at my gymnastics I always thought that the other girls thought I was gay so I'd prove to them and tell them about my crushes on boys to show them that I was straight. Idek why they would think I was gay I just thought they did for some reason. Then for some reason I couldn't stop looking at their boobs I was like obsessed with them but I wasn't attracted to them it was really weird..I only had these thoughts while I was at gymnastics, but then a couple months later I was at a pool and I had this feeling that felt like heavy and awful that I was gay. I couldn't stop thinking about it for days after it was all I could think about. I looked up "I keep thinking I'm gay and I don't want to be" and saw hocd show up. I was so relieved, but the thoughts just kept coming back so I just kept obsessing about the fact I might be gay. I looked up pictures of pretty girls to see if I was attracted and I felt the best feeling ever when I wasn't. I had one panic attack and started bawling because I thought I was actually turning gay even though I had only ever had crushes on guys before. For hours and hours I would look up "hocd or denial" and would bawl if I had like 1 symptom of denial. All I could think about in school was "what if I'm gay "what if I like her" "oh shit." It was awful. Then things started to get really scary. I started to feel somewhat attracted to girls and I was freaking the hell out. I even kinda had a teeny crush on a guy (which eventually turned into a relationship for about three months but I stopped liking him and so we broke up). But then I got terrified that I had a crush on this one girl and am still scared to hell that I do like her. Every time I see her I get really anxious and I can't stop staring at her, this happened with a couple different girls too but I've gotten over them and knew that I didn't really like them. But this "crush" won't go away and I hateeeee it I honestly wish I never met her or knew who she was. I can't tell if I like her or if it's just hocd it's so confusing. I eventually told my best friend about this and she said she had OCD too so not to worry.. ?yeah right. Then I figured out that bisexuality was a thing I'd never heard of it before but I freaked out . (I'm only 14 so I don't know a ton about that kind of stuff) and started to obsess about that and am still obsessing about it. Recently my hocd will come and go every few days and it makes me so anxious when I don't obsess about it because I'm worried that I've accepted that I'm bi. I just try to avoid girls so I don't have the thoughts. Every day the thoughts seem more and more real and Idek anymore.. I'm sorry this was long but I just wanted to share my story of hocd. If anyone Is willing to share theirs that would be great, hope y'all have a good thanksgiving!

Thanks to both of you guys, it's nice to know I'm not alone

Also remember that with what you fear the most in OCD, is the exact opposite of what you actually want

Thank you I to forget things like that when I'm so obsessed

Hi lovely. My hocd began when I was 14 too. I had experiences very similar to yours. 14 is an age where you’re still asking questions about sexuality as you’re still going through puberty - which is completely normal. What isn’t normal is obsessing over everything you do in an effort to determine if you’re gay or not. This is behaviour that will actually make the thoughts even stronger rather than make them reduce. I’d really recommend visiting your GP and telling them how you feel and requesting to see a psychiatrist and begin ERP and CBT therapy. These work best for OCD currently. I really feel for you - at 14 I had no idea what was happening and I never told anyone for 4 and a half miserable years. Don’t be like me - speak up and get help ❤️ you are amazing and deserve a life full of freedom and joy . It can get much better than this ?

The EXACT same things happen to me. Like from line to line it feels like I wrote this. I would suggest talking to a therapist about it, it helps a lot. And if you have HOCD sadly OCD probably controls more parts of your life as well. I told my therapist about this gut wrenching worry that I was gay and didn’t know it that made me feel sick to my stomach and cry, and she told me it was classic OCD. And after that, I found out that she had been suspecting that I had OCD for a long time and started working on it. She/he will ask you questions. For instance, she/he may ask ‘how long do you spend worrying about this topic a day?” And “do you do something to try and relieve the thoughts?” For you and I, relieving the thoughts is searching HOCD or denial. I have searched that so many times and still I sometimes give in and do it. It turns out OCD does not only control my sexuality, but my dance, friendships, school (I’m 16 btw), and I even had some other OCD I didn’t even know existed. Just talk to a therapist who specializes in OCD about this, because before I started talking about it I thought I was the only one. Now I know that HOCD is actually one of the most common OCD’s out there. So talking to an OCD specialist really helps with any aspect of OCD. Just know you are not alone and these thoughts are not true.

I was actually was just grounded from instagram ? I'm not sure when I get it back but I'll let you know when I do

Finally someone I can relate to! I'm so happy that I'm not alone ?I'll take your advice and tell someone, it's going to be hard but I'll do it

I also started obsessing about tocd along the way but it's definitely not as strong as my hocd/bi ocd

Don’t avoid the chicks though you’ll just make it worse. My Hocd started because I had a Gay dream and it scared the shit out of me and I started to google stuff of what does it mean to have a Gay dream does this make me gay now I was terrified and I thought it was because I watched Twilight 2 I think on my phone and I deleted it because I thought it made me have the Gay dream even though I was fine watching it and I watched twilight because I thought it was pretty cool and was manly enough that Gay shit never bothered me before until I had a Gay dream smh. I would’ve been fine but because I didn’t know that I had OCD at all I started to intake massive amounts of caffeine because I’m a really fit dude and liked the way pre workouts gave me that extra burst to workout really hard and I got into a habit of having coffee in the morning because I dated a chick who did and I still liked even after we weren’t together so I started to think I needed to get used to some of the stuff she liked because I still wanted to be with her. After that because of the extra caffeine I had gay thoughts for a dude who I gave a tour too and after it was over I was like what the fuck was that why was I feeling that way and my thought was wtf I’m gay now and I remember getting depressed because I felt bad that I let myself become gay smh. When I was younger I used to think people can become gay and didn’t know you have to be born gay smh had I known that from the start I would’ve been fine but I didn’t and ever since that one time I’ve had HOCD ever since and have made it even worse after doing the self help because I was diagnosing myself and didn’t know that I had OCD as well as other types of anxiety that has caused me to have really bad OCD smh that’s my story of it thought I would go on about how it became even more worse but I’ve already wrote to long but that’s the gist of my HOCD starting.

And I know how scary and distressing these thoughts are. I am part of an Instagram support group chat that has really helped me through my ocd. It mainly focuses around HOCD, this topic. And if you give me your Instagram I would love to get you added. The chat really does help and it’s nice to know other girls your age are struggling with this and getting through it.

What’s bi ocd?

The fear of becoming bisexual, which means you attracted to men and women