- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
My OCD has been heightened during this pandemic as well, but something that's been helpful is accepting two things: even if you did contract COVID, the period in which you'd be contagious is finite — probably 14 days at the max. Second, part of what is valuable about a partner is being willing and able to take risks with each other that you wouldn't with a stranger. Right now it's really helpful to lean into that. I can obsessively protect US but human contact is very important and our supply is lower than usual. Maybe you want him to ask you back for a myriad of reasons? It's nice to feel wanted or missed. Wishing you lots of luck and love!
- Date posted
- 5y
Oh he has said he wants me back in the room numerous times but he tries not to reassure me. But I think.its the push I need.
- Date posted
- 5y
That’s an awesome goal. And I’m impressed that your husband has the strength not to accommodate your OCD w/reassurance. If you don’t mind, can you explain why one moment of reassurance from him will be enough to get you to reach this goal? I wonder if there’s a way to make the goal more gradual?
- Date posted
- 5y
I think I need to feel less responsible if I wind up getting sick. I want to be sure he wants this and I'm not forcing it on him. We are actually holding hands on the couch right now which is a great step but I really would love to sleep in the master. I keep thinking about just lying in our bed together and how relaxing and co.fortig it would feel. But I am really struggling with contaminating him if I picked up covid and feeling responsible
- Date posted
- 5y
@catattak If he reassured you everything will be ok, to you it would feel like he was taking responsibility for whether or not he lets himself be in a position where he might get sick. Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems you might be mixing two different things? You wrote basically “his reassurance that everything will be ok” = “him taking responsibility for his health.” I don’t think those are the same, are they? So, I don’t want to suggest a compulsion to you, but I don’t think I am, when I say: maybe it’s ok to ask him, “My sleeping in the same bed with you might increase your chance of catching COVID. Is that a risk you’re willing to take?” I might be missing something, but that doesn’t sound like reassurance seeking UNLESS you’ve already asked him this before and need to hear it again for that quick relief. Man. I hope what I wrote was helpful! If it wasn’t, tell me. Let me know what I’m missing. Thanks! I can see why “not living in the room” to “living in the room” seems like terrifying leap. Could you start small? With a nap? Or just lie in bed together for half an hour before you go to the room you’ve been staying in?
- Date posted
- 5y
@Alyosha Thank you! I understand what you're saying and do confuse it myself sometimes too. I think as the woman of the house I feel responsible for every single thing. And I need to let go. I need to trust that he can be responsible for his own health and make decisions for it. I suppose my making the decision for both is us that it was most appropriate for me to sleep else where was my way of controlling and getting some certainty. You are right, it's likely not reassurance to have him say "I want this, consent to it and waive you of all liability to me" in fewer words lol. We made some plans and I am loosely moving back in tonight. I can leave at any time whether I am sick or healthy. He said he'll sleep on the couch if I contaminate two rooms, he doesnt care, whatever will help me move in. So I'm thankful for that. The plan is a slow reintroduction or slow move in. I'll sleep there tonight play it by ear each day!
- Date posted
- 5y
@catattak Oh wow!!! That’s wonderful! It’s a great first step.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Alyosha Thank you so much for your support!
- Date posted
- 5y
My therapist mentioned a 4-step process that is detailed here https://hope4ocd.com/foursteps.php Then she asked me to come up with a step-by-step process for going back to the church building. I came up with one, with help from my daughter (she's such an amazing young adult). No reassurances, but some great ideas for self-checking anxiety levels. What if you and your husband worked together on a plan for tomorrow? My self-check question was "if I push myself to the next step, will it cause me to go home and not be able to resist showering?" If the answer was no, I moved to the next part of my plan. If the answer was yes, I would leave the building, sit with the anxiety currently there, recover to drive home safely, and resist showering when I got there. Just having the plan made even the first step possible. Do you think it might work for you?
- Date posted
- 5y
I dont think I understand because I dont think I have a compulsion here. Showering if hand washing wont help me because I am scared of getting him sick if I picked up covid
- Date posted
- 5y
Hmmm...so what do you do when the fear of giving your husband covid comes to mind?
- Date posted
- 5y
Ruminate and make plans for how we will get by if we ith get sick. I worry about us both being hospitalized and we cant feed or take care of our cats and they die. Or I fear being too sick to call the hospital and one of us dies in the house. So I try to plan and I ruminate on it
- Date posted
- 5y
Oh, that's definitely not a physical way to escape the thought. Sorry. Is it reassurance to say we'll cross that bridge if we get to it?
- Date posted
- 5y
I keep trying to just tell myself that but I'm too scared I wont be able to think straight and make good decisions if I get sick
- Date posted
- 5y
@catattak You know what I haven't said? How awesome it is that you were holding hands on the couch tonight :) Your relationship is worth fighting through the OCD fog and fear. I encourage you to find a small, attainable victory for tomorrow night. More holding hands on the couch? Something that requires work on your part, and yet is low on your hierarchy.
- Date posted
- 5y
@WhatATripp Thank you so much! My hubby and I were talking a lot and I know that maybe planning is my compulsion but we did make some plans for my moving back in. He has assured me he is supportive of my.moving back in and wants us to 'take the risk' of us sleeping in the same room (he doesnt see it as a risk) and will not blame me if I get sick. I needed that i think. We also made a plan for if i do get sick, what will happen if he is healthy and what will happen if we both get sick. We decided that I can leave the master bedroom anytime so I dont get overwhelmed. We are treating this as working towards a full time move in but not making it full time yet as a way to ease into it. I'm not sure if letting me move out if I get too scared is bad for ocd, or a way to slowly expose me to the fear, but it's a plan for now.
- Date posted
- 5y
@catattak I'm so not a therapist, but I like your plan, and love that you worked on it together. Leaving without trying to sit with the anxiety might reinforce that as a way to appease the OCD fear, maybe? Perhaps agree to sit with it for 'x' amount of time and reassess the felt need to leave?
- Date posted
- 5y
@WhatATripp That is such a good idea! I will add that!
- Date posted
- 5y
I hope it goes well for you both :) You deserve it.
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you so much! You're such a wonderful support!
Related posts
- Date posted
- 23w
I’m obsessing over the future and if my boyfriend and I are going to make it. I know it’s ocd because the thought won’t leave. Discussing the future with my boyfriend makes him very stressed because he is in a difficult family situation. I’m trying my hardest to be patient but I need reassurance that there is a plan and timeline in place. We have been dating for almost two years and I’m not ready to live together but I like discussing it and knowing there’s some form of plan. My ocd gets bad when there is no plan. Are there any thoughts or tips to help?
- Date posted
- 22w
Posting here for the first time, please be gentle, not sure if this is applicable! I definitely struggle with reassurance-seeking especially when it comes to real events, but over time have found ways to self regulate and use self-guided therapy apps and worksheets to help fight any challenging thoughts as they come up throughout the day. There are a few times when I’m unable to do the work myself and don’t feel as emotionally strong, which I feel is reasonable considering how exhausting my symptoms can be (for clarification, I am diagnosed with anxiety but not OCD, although I fear all signs lead me here). Only on the extremely difficult days, I’ll ask my partner for reassurance (he is aware of my tendencies and is quite patient) but he has his own baggage, and having a partner asking for reassurance can be triggering for him, as he was accused of several negative things in his last relationship. He quickly gets overwhelmed with me and feels that I don’t trust him. He is convinced that is the motive of my reassurance seeking. Today in particular, I woke up from a nightmare that reminded me of a past event. After struggling with it myself all day I brought it up in the evening to try and get some help, and did bring it up three times after that. I am always soft and gentle when I ask for help, and even asked for a lighthearted “pinky promise”, which actually seemed to bother him. I understand that it’s not his position to emotionally support me whatsoever and that reassurance seeking can become harmful to the both of us, but for the one-off days where I am having a really difficult time, I feel extremely unsupported by him. For context, my partner has broken my trust before. My thoughts took off during that time. It’s been a few months since then, and me openly seeking reassurance from him is not a frequent occurrence, since I’ve started my self-help. I actually feel I’ve come a long way but I do have days like today that set me back. I love and trust him with all my heart, but man does my inner monologue make me work for it. I just don’t know how to get him to understand that it’s me having to work for it, not him. Unfortunately from the way he reacts, I’ve grown to feel unsupported by him, and am now rarely emotionally vulnerable with him. I am curious if there are any suggestions on helping him help me in a sense.. I don’t know how to get him to understand that it has nothing to do with a lack of trust. I have briefly opened up to him about my strong intrusive thoughts and figured it would help him understand a bit better but I don’t know what to do. I want to add: I have tried talking to him about how I felt unsupported. He just tells me he feels accused and would be supporting me at his own expense. He has even told me that I shouldn’t talk to him about these things, even though the thoughts I struggle with are directly related to events in our relationship. I really can’t seem to get through to him.
- Date posted
- 21w
(long read ahead, sorry lol) I’ve struggled with ocd for as far back as I can remember. I find that it gets worse with stress, and recently I’ve really been struggling with the contamination aspect of my ocd. I’m worried about it becoming unmanageable and negatively affecting my relationship with my partner. I’ve been living with my boyfriend since January (got kicked out of my house a week after I turned 18, it’s for the better though my house is toxic as hell) and I love living with him, but him and his family aren’t as concerned with cleaning as I am used to. My boyfriend and I have been together going on 2 years and there’s been many times throughout our relationship that his struggle with depression severely impacted his ability to keep up with cleaning his room. This is something I completely understand because I’ve struggled with it too so i’ve often helped him clean, and since i’ve moved in he’s done so much better at keeping up with cleaning (especially because he knows about my issues with clutter, mess, germs, etc.) He is really good at being accommodating towards my needs (not overly so, i’m aware that recovering includes accepting being uncomfortable), but it’s so hard for me to differentiate between what is the normal standard for cleanliness and hygiene and what’s excessive and unhealthy. I get so stressed out every single day over the thought of how dirty everything is. He has 3 cats that mainly stay in his room (he has a catio attached to his window/side of the house) and dogs which stay on the opposite side of the house and backyard, so there is fur everywhere constantly (i’m also allergic to cats but it’s not severe). I can’t stop thinking about how they are getting germs from their litter box all over everything. They also used to piss under his bed and in his closet when his room used to be a mess and it’s soaked into the floor so no matter what it stinks. It’s so hard to bring myself to walk around the house without slippers because my feet will get visibly dirty and my socks would get covered in hair. I always think about how my boyfriend sometimes walks on the rugs in the bathroom in shoes and all the germs that spreads. There’s so many more things but this is already getting long and I am shaking just thinking about how unclean everything is. I want to deep clean the entire house myself so I can get it to where It’s not like psychological torture everyday and it’s easier to maintain but I have been so busy I don’t have the time. I am worried about my boyfriend thinking I don’t like living with him or that I think that’s he’s dirty but i don’t. We have had several conversations about this and he’s reassured me that he knows none of my obsessive thoughts are personal but I still feel so bad about it. I would like to get therapy to help work through this but currently that is not an option for me. I know things will get better once I get through the main things in my life that are causing a lot of stress and therefore making my ocd flair up, but I need advice on what to do in the mean time. I keep having moments where all I can do is shake and cry and clean and I feel bad for my poor boyfriend who can only sit next to me and try to comfort me or help me clean. I also don’t want to make him worried that nothing he does is enough for me (i’ve also already talked to him about this and told him about how I can never even be clean enough for myself and that I don’t think he’s dirty). There’s been many times where I want to tell him to do things that I think might be my own unhealthy compulsions (ex. not wearing shoes in the house or in our room, not getting into bed with socks on, making sure to completely dry off before getting out the shower, put makeup and jewelry back where they belong right after using them, etc.) but i can’t tell if they’re reasonable or not and i try to not tell him unless it’s something that severely distresses me. I’m aware that everything is going to have germs no matter what and have been using NER’s to help manage my thought spirals/rumination. I know that I shouldn’t keep doing compulsions because it just offers temporary relief and makes the problem worse because nothing will ever be enough. I just feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless and exhausted and want some feedback.
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