- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
My OCD has been heightened during this pandemic as well, but something that's been helpful is accepting two things: even if you did contract COVID, the period in which you'd be contagious is finite — probably 14 days at the max. Second, part of what is valuable about a partner is being willing and able to take risks with each other that you wouldn't with a stranger. Right now it's really helpful to lean into that. I can obsessively protect US but human contact is very important and our supply is lower than usual. Maybe you want him to ask you back for a myriad of reasons? It's nice to feel wanted or missed. Wishing you lots of luck and love!
- Date posted
- 5y
Oh he has said he wants me back in the room numerous times but he tries not to reassure me. But I think.its the push I need.
- Date posted
- 5y
That’s an awesome goal. And I’m impressed that your husband has the strength not to accommodate your OCD w/reassurance. If you don’t mind, can you explain why one moment of reassurance from him will be enough to get you to reach this goal? I wonder if there’s a way to make the goal more gradual?
- Date posted
- 5y
I think I need to feel less responsible if I wind up getting sick. I want to be sure he wants this and I'm not forcing it on him. We are actually holding hands on the couch right now which is a great step but I really would love to sleep in the master. I keep thinking about just lying in our bed together and how relaxing and co.fortig it would feel. But I am really struggling with contaminating him if I picked up covid and feeling responsible
- Date posted
- 5y
@catattak If he reassured you everything will be ok, to you it would feel like he was taking responsibility for whether or not he lets himself be in a position where he might get sick. Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems you might be mixing two different things? You wrote basically “his reassurance that everything will be ok” = “him taking responsibility for his health.” I don’t think those are the same, are they? So, I don’t want to suggest a compulsion to you, but I don’t think I am, when I say: maybe it’s ok to ask him, “My sleeping in the same bed with you might increase your chance of catching COVID. Is that a risk you’re willing to take?” I might be missing something, but that doesn’t sound like reassurance seeking UNLESS you’ve already asked him this before and need to hear it again for that quick relief. Man. I hope what I wrote was helpful! If it wasn’t, tell me. Let me know what I’m missing. Thanks! I can see why “not living in the room” to “living in the room” seems like terrifying leap. Could you start small? With a nap? Or just lie in bed together for half an hour before you go to the room you’ve been staying in?
- Date posted
- 5y
@Alyosha Thank you! I understand what you're saying and do confuse it myself sometimes too. I think as the woman of the house I feel responsible for every single thing. And I need to let go. I need to trust that he can be responsible for his own health and make decisions for it. I suppose my making the decision for both is us that it was most appropriate for me to sleep else where was my way of controlling and getting some certainty. You are right, it's likely not reassurance to have him say "I want this, consent to it and waive you of all liability to me" in fewer words lol. We made some plans and I am loosely moving back in tonight. I can leave at any time whether I am sick or healthy. He said he'll sleep on the couch if I contaminate two rooms, he doesnt care, whatever will help me move in. So I'm thankful for that. The plan is a slow reintroduction or slow move in. I'll sleep there tonight play it by ear each day!
- Date posted
- 5y
@catattak Oh wow!!! That’s wonderful! It’s a great first step.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Alyosha Thank you so much for your support!
- Date posted
- 5y
My therapist mentioned a 4-step process that is detailed here https://hope4ocd.com/foursteps.php Then she asked me to come up with a step-by-step process for going back to the church building. I came up with one, with help from my daughter (she's such an amazing young adult). No reassurances, but some great ideas for self-checking anxiety levels. What if you and your husband worked together on a plan for tomorrow? My self-check question was "if I push myself to the next step, will it cause me to go home and not be able to resist showering?" If the answer was no, I moved to the next part of my plan. If the answer was yes, I would leave the building, sit with the anxiety currently there, recover to drive home safely, and resist showering when I got there. Just having the plan made even the first step possible. Do you think it might work for you?
- Date posted
- 5y
I dont think I understand because I dont think I have a compulsion here. Showering if hand washing wont help me because I am scared of getting him sick if I picked up covid
- Date posted
- 5y
Hmmm...so what do you do when the fear of giving your husband covid comes to mind?
- Date posted
- 5y
Ruminate and make plans for how we will get by if we ith get sick. I worry about us both being hospitalized and we cant feed or take care of our cats and they die. Or I fear being too sick to call the hospital and one of us dies in the house. So I try to plan and I ruminate on it
- Date posted
- 5y
Oh, that's definitely not a physical way to escape the thought. Sorry. Is it reassurance to say we'll cross that bridge if we get to it?
- Date posted
- 5y
I keep trying to just tell myself that but I'm too scared I wont be able to think straight and make good decisions if I get sick
- Date posted
- 5y
@catattak You know what I haven't said? How awesome it is that you were holding hands on the couch tonight :) Your relationship is worth fighting through the OCD fog and fear. I encourage you to find a small, attainable victory for tomorrow night. More holding hands on the couch? Something that requires work on your part, and yet is low on your hierarchy.
- Date posted
- 5y
@WhatATripp Thank you so much! My hubby and I were talking a lot and I know that maybe planning is my compulsion but we did make some plans for my moving back in. He has assured me he is supportive of my.moving back in and wants us to 'take the risk' of us sleeping in the same room (he doesnt see it as a risk) and will not blame me if I get sick. I needed that i think. We also made a plan for if i do get sick, what will happen if he is healthy and what will happen if we both get sick. We decided that I can leave the master bedroom anytime so I dont get overwhelmed. We are treating this as working towards a full time move in but not making it full time yet as a way to ease into it. I'm not sure if letting me move out if I get too scared is bad for ocd, or a way to slowly expose me to the fear, but it's a plan for now.
- Date posted
- 5y
@catattak I'm so not a therapist, but I like your plan, and love that you worked on it together. Leaving without trying to sit with the anxiety might reinforce that as a way to appease the OCD fear, maybe? Perhaps agree to sit with it for 'x' amount of time and reassess the felt need to leave?
- Date posted
- 5y
@WhatATripp That is such a good idea! I will add that!
- Date posted
- 5y
I hope it goes well for you both :) You deserve it.
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you so much! You're such a wonderful support!
Related posts
- Date posted
- 25w
(long read ahead, sorry lol) I’ve struggled with ocd for as far back as I can remember. I find that it gets worse with stress, and recently I’ve really been struggling with the contamination aspect of my ocd. I’m worried about it becoming unmanageable and negatively affecting my relationship with my partner. I’ve been living with my boyfriend since January (got kicked out of my house a week after I turned 18, it’s for the better though my house is toxic as hell) and I love living with him, but him and his family aren’t as concerned with cleaning as I am used to. My boyfriend and I have been together going on 2 years and there’s been many times throughout our relationship that his struggle with depression severely impacted his ability to keep up with cleaning his room. This is something I completely understand because I’ve struggled with it too so i’ve often helped him clean, and since i’ve moved in he’s done so much better at keeping up with cleaning (especially because he knows about my issues with clutter, mess, germs, etc.) He is really good at being accommodating towards my needs (not overly so, i’m aware that recovering includes accepting being uncomfortable), but it’s so hard for me to differentiate between what is the normal standard for cleanliness and hygiene and what’s excessive and unhealthy. I get so stressed out every single day over the thought of how dirty everything is. He has 3 cats that mainly stay in his room (he has a catio attached to his window/side of the house) and dogs which stay on the opposite side of the house and backyard, so there is fur everywhere constantly (i’m also allergic to cats but it’s not severe). I can’t stop thinking about how they are getting germs from their litter box all over everything. They also used to piss under his bed and in his closet when his room used to be a mess and it’s soaked into the floor so no matter what it stinks. It’s so hard to bring myself to walk around the house without slippers because my feet will get visibly dirty and my socks would get covered in hair. I always think about how my boyfriend sometimes walks on the rugs in the bathroom in shoes and all the germs that spreads. There’s so many more things but this is already getting long and I am shaking just thinking about how unclean everything is. I want to deep clean the entire house myself so I can get it to where It’s not like psychological torture everyday and it’s easier to maintain but I have been so busy I don’t have the time. I am worried about my boyfriend thinking I don’t like living with him or that I think that’s he’s dirty but i don’t. We have had several conversations about this and he’s reassured me that he knows none of my obsessive thoughts are personal but I still feel so bad about it. I would like to get therapy to help work through this but currently that is not an option for me. I know things will get better once I get through the main things in my life that are causing a lot of stress and therefore making my ocd flair up, but I need advice on what to do in the mean time. I keep having moments where all I can do is shake and cry and clean and I feel bad for my poor boyfriend who can only sit next to me and try to comfort me or help me clean. I also don’t want to make him worried that nothing he does is enough for me (i’ve also already talked to him about this and told him about how I can never even be clean enough for myself and that I don’t think he’s dirty). There’s been many times where I want to tell him to do things that I think might be my own unhealthy compulsions (ex. not wearing shoes in the house or in our room, not getting into bed with socks on, making sure to completely dry off before getting out the shower, put makeup and jewelry back where they belong right after using them, etc.) but i can’t tell if they’re reasonable or not and i try to not tell him unless it’s something that severely distresses me. I’m aware that everything is going to have germs no matter what and have been using NER’s to help manage my thought spirals/rumination. I know that I shouldn’t keep doing compulsions because it just offers temporary relief and makes the problem worse because nothing will ever be enough. I just feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless and exhausted and want some feedback.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 19w
Hi all!! Its been a while since I've been in here and typically I come on here to give advice and encouragement which i still plan to do but i really need encouragement right now. I typically deal with so-ocd but right now its taking a back seat or just disappearing ( which I'm not complaining) but now my rocd is really coming in thick and heavy and Im overly anxious but i have had panic attacks to the thoughts and its just been heavily attack me on my feelings towards my bf. I love this man with my literal whole being and I want to marry him and I know he feels the same cause we have had discussions on marriage. But lately and idk if its because of my period starting (sorry tmi) and all the hormones but i can't feel my emotions all that well, and the thoughts are constantly telling me i don't love him, i don't want to talk to him which are all false me and him are long distance rn which is hard but we push through it. I really hate these thoughts and all it makes me want to do is scream and cry. Like i said not overly anxious but definitely just want to scream and cry and of course cause Im not overly anxious my ocd picks up on that says oh see your not anxious with that so it must be true. I'm just hot mess y'all:( But anyways word of encouragement keep pushing y'all all got this and Im proud of every single one of you!!
- Date posted
- 16w
My husband told me recently he was going to hang out with a local friend he often goes to see. It got very late and I heard nothing from him. Tried calling and texting. Stayed up all night thinking maybe he was dead or injured. Logged into our cell phone account to see if I could find any recent location and discovered he had talked to someone on the phone that night but he was like 2 hours away from home at that time. And also saw a phone number he was spending hours on the phone with every day. I had been confronting him about his secrecy prior to that and he kept telling me it was this friend or that friend, or he was just taking the dog on a long walk or having a fire out back. He finally called me back in the morning and I yelled at him. He told me he was randomly with two friends from longer ago and had gotten drunk and passed out, and hadn't told me about these plans because I had a heart surgery a few weeks prior and health concerns and he didn't want to stress me out. He told me the phone number was a girl that he related to on trauma factors and that he views like a little sister. He said he didn't tell me because he was caught up in his trauma spilling of events he didn't share with a single person since they occurred to him 35 years ago, due to feelings of shame and anger, and that he thought I would view it as emotional cheating. I told him it really could be viewed as emotional cheating and in principle, honesty shouldn't be dependent upon the outcome... lying isn't justified because I would be upset by the truth. Since then, he's been more open with me and tells me when that girl is calling, talks to me about their conversations, answers her calls when I'm present. I talked to him about boundaries and things I'm uncomfortable with or bothered by and he changes those things. Especially because I have trauma from an emotionally abusive ex, having him lie to me when I directly questioned him about what I was perceiving or experiencing and telling me those experiences weren't real, when they actually WERE real, has really messed me up. Now when he wants to hang out with a friend, I don't trust it. But I'm handling these feelings in destructive OCD ways. I spend literally the entire time he's gone thinking and thinking and thinking about what if he's lying or what he might be doing instead of what he said. I call and text him intermittently and feel like all of my obsessive thoughts are confirmed if he doesn't answer right away. I'm always checking the phone history. The driving toll history. Scrutinizing everything. I cannot get out of this mindset. It's like this horrible mixture of emotional flashbacks and OCD. I don't want to live like this. I want to work on my relationship in productive ways. I want to be able to use my own time while my husband is gone. Even if he lied to me and is somewhere other than he said, I don't want to lie in bed just thinking and thinking and thinking for entire days and nights. I'm not sure what I'm really asking here. This is just the only place where I feel like I can share this without people thinking "wow she's crazy".
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