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worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

I hate my hypochondria. I really fucking do. How am I supposed to tell the difference between my brain saying I’m going to die vs actually dying. It’s terrible. I feel so ashamed of myself because everyone thinks I’m an idiot for overreacting over such small things but I can’t help it. And now I’m obsessed with this lump on my vulva and I want to tell my mom about it so I can see an obgyn or something but it’s so hard because I feel embarrassed and I want to cry. I want to sob. This is all so humiliating, having my fucking brain focus on such things and it’s ironic how I always want to ask for reassurance about these things and show people but since it’s someone private I can’t do that!! Nope!! This is terrible! In my mind I have vulvar cancer and have up to 5 years, maybe more, to live— depending on how fast I get it checked out and what stage it’s at (according to google). I keep replaying my death over and over in my mind and it won’t stop I just need it to stop and the only way to do that is to tell my mom and get it checked out but that’s so awkward and embarrassing I feel so stuck even though I’m 18 I feel like an absolute child.

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

At 18 you can make your own doctor's appt, you know. Best to quit googling and ruminating, though. Being that you feel weird about asking family for reassurance about this one, maybe you could use it as a good opportunity for response prevention? Discovering that even if you don't panic and see a Dr, you don't actually drop dead, and the cyst/ingrown hair goes away, can be a powerful experience.

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

I’ve always relied on my mother as moral support for when I’m too scared to make appointments or go in myself. I get too nervous by myself. I’ll try and do response prevention, and it seems to be working a bit but I’m still convinced I’m going to die.

catattak

Date posted: 5y

Ugh I'm so sorry. For me, everything is covid 19 so I understand your fear and brain constantly jumping to worst case scenarios. My husband likes to tell me to focus on what's probable and sometimes that helps calm me down. For you, I would say ingrown hairs are much much more probable. I think you should wait this one out. Give it a week or two. I remember having what I thought was a cyst down there was just a really deep ingrown hair that came to the surface after a couple of weeks. Sorry for the tmi but I've just been in this scenario and am trying to explain that it wasn't a day or so to resolve. These things take time. I remember also being a teen finding a lump in my breast. I freaked out, told my mom and she said wait a cycle because your memory gland tissue can change in a cycle. Sure enough it did. Our bodies process lots of things and do weird stuff. Give your body a chance to process.

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

It’s been almost two weeks already, so I’m quite nervous about it. I don’t think it’s an ingrown hair though since it’s so under the surface— could be a cyst but it’s the size of about a penny, maybe a bit smaller. My mind has already jumped to cancer though as usual. I’ll try to wait it out maybe a month, I suppose?

catattak

Date posted: 5y

@worryqueen Wait longer. Seriously I've had bad deep ones before. Sorry again for tmi but yes these things take time. I really thought the suggestion if making a plan for yourself was great. I have great fears of covid and I have plans for myself around getting tested. My brain really makes me truly think I'm sick all the time even though me and my partner work from home and dont go anywhere. I tell myself to give myself x amount of time and monitor symptoms. If they get worse I got for a test. More often than not they get better. That it I go for a test. It's good to start building trust with your body. Knowing yourself and learning what's a real emergency and what's not

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

@catattak Idk it just seems in a weird place and idk if that’s what it really is or not which makes me nervous. I’ve been there with COVID, too, and still am a bit, but I got tested negative. We can both make it through this, I believe. I just hope there’s nothing seriously wrong with me and I react too late 🙁 should I bring up where it is specifically, or would that be too tmi for a therapist?

CocoCurl

Date posted: 5y

I also say wait it out as well. I have the same problem right now and convinced I have some serious thing with my ovaries. You can create a plan, like say - okay I’ll wait X days or X weeks before I call a doctor. And you can even run the plan by your parent or someone you trust to double check that it sounds reasonable and also so you don’t give in to constantly calling the doctor for appointments/reassurance (you’ll find that giving in to making constant appointments etc provides relief in the short term but not the long term. Soon, an appointment won’t be enough because you’ll just keep thinking oh the doctor missed this, or maybe I should get an ultrasound or a second opinion. Basically, it jus breeds more compulsions or calling the doctor, if not for your vulva, for other minor health sensations/issues). It also helps to let your doctor know about your hypochondria if she doesn’t already. While you wait, it’ll be a good exposure practice to say to yourself “I accept the uncertainty of this situation” when the anxiety arises. Maybe the anxiety will go up for a little or a lot but with repetition it should eventually go down. Then you’ll grow stronger over time with these fears, and overall hopefully be able to more reasonably assess your health/when to seek medical attention. I say all this because I’m going through this same exact process rn and forcing myself pushing through to follow these protocols even if it’s painful at first. I know the long term result will be worth it. My therapist said something recently to me like you’re having these OCD worries probably because you’re afraid of not living, which means you REALLY want to LIVE. But then ironically, what’s the point of living if you’re constantly suffering and not able to enjoy it bc of hypochondria/other anxieties? Hope this is helpful but we got this❤️ I believe in us

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

I talked with my therapist about it and she told me the same thing— that it’ll lead to one thing after the other and that I need to sit with the uncertainty right now. I didn’t tell her where the lump was out of embarrassment and am not sure if I should mention it to her... but I’m glad you can understand what I’m going through. It’s so difficult to deal with and I hate it. Thank you for the help ❤️

CocoCurl

Date posted: 5y

@worryqueen Of course! And great! I’m glad you brought it up with your therapist. And better believe I’m experiencing the same worry with my own symptoms but diff areas/disease concerns lol but we are doing great so far starting to change our patterns and getting help :)❤️

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

@CocoCurl Yes, it’s nice to get help. I’m just nervous cause it seems like my therapist doesn’t take it as a real health concern when it could be.

CocoCurl

Date posted: 5y

@worryqueen Yea I understand that, I feel that way about literally anyone who I tell about my health issues often - from my sister to my mom to my therapist . Even the doctor at points. But our therapists/loved ones care about our health. But they want us to monitor it in a healthy way, not an obsessive way. And so it may seem like they aren’t taking it seriously bc the way we are currently monitoring our health is v diff (obsessive) from how a typical person would. So to us it may feel crazy or like they’re ignoring serious symptoms. But really we’re kinda drawing premature conclusions about our symptoms and we’re constantly looking for 100% certainty at all times about what our symptoms are, which isn’t possible. And so I’ve been learning that at the heart of it is having to learn how to tolerate some reasonable degree of uncertainty. And that’s what the therapy helps us with! also you can always create a plan with your therapist about when/if you should seek medical attention (like maybe after however many days, weeks, OR if symptoms get worse etc)

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

@CocoCurl Thank you, that make sense. I alwyays just assume they don’t care about me, which doesn’t help much. My brain says it’s urgent and I need to get checked out right away, and I guess when others don’t have the same response it make it seem like they’re the ones being unreasonable. But I see what you mean, and it makes a lot of sense. I think I’ll discuss a health plan with my therapist and see what she says. Thank you so much ❤️ I hope I can overcome this and stay healthy in the process!

CocoCurl

Date posted: 5y

@worryqueen Yes yes I so understand, we have really similar journeys based on what you’ve told me! But that’s a great plan and we got this :)❤️

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Smiley35

Date posted: 15w

I need to vent to someone, anyone who would understand. I turned 37 yesterday I had a great birthday except for the fact I was scarily bloated and felt like I couldn't breathe most of the day. I have a bad gallbladder and I've had stones since at least 2011 but I rarely have issues with it. I haven't had an attack in 5 years and recently I got a scan on my abdomen because I started counting calories in early March to try and lose weight and that is the only time I have gallbladder issues is when I'm eating less calories and exercising. I'm not like most people who get attacks when they eat junk food. So I started getting symptoms and I went in for a scan and it came back abnormal and I was supposed to have a video visit with the doctor on Tuesday but I moved it to Friday (tomorrow) because I didn't want bad news before my birthday. I CAN NOT stop ruminating about this and I compulsively Google and read reddit posts about people who had their gallbladder out and how much pain they were in and how much they regret it and have chronic diarrhea. I learned about a gallbladder flush in early 2021 but have been to scared to do that and I'm in a fb group with a lot of people who do the flushes and even some have said a stone has gotten stuck while doing it and it was EXTREMELY painful (if you've had gallbladder attacks you know. So now I'm literally spiraling in my head about how if I do the flush a stone could get stuck and it will be emergency surgery or If I don't try a flush I'll have to have surgery anyway. Like the flush feels like a literal mental block I can't get past. There's an ER across the street but I literally went in the other day cause I was feeling super bloated after having starbucks and felt short of breath. I asked the lady if I needed emergency surgery if they could do it there and she said no they would have to transport me and the nearest hospital is 10 minutes away. Another roadblock to keep me from even wanting to attempt a flush. Gallbladder issues run in my family. My mom had hers out when she had me and back then in the 80s it was a huge surgery and she even has a big scar down her stomach. My aunt and uncle got theirs out and they both regret it. Everything I've read online scares the shit outta me. I've started taking my supplements to try and heal me and I'm going to be trying to clean up my diet. I stopped drinking alcohol 9 months ago. Anyway, tonight my mom got into it with me cause I live with her cause my mutiple health problems and she said she's sick of hearing about my health issues and she told me she talked behind my back about me to her friends at the dog park and about how I made my birthday all about me. What she was saying is I kept complaining about my gallbladder and her friend said "oh that's how they are at that age, she's a teenager right?" And my mom said "no, she's almost 40." It made me feel like absolute dog *sh*t and I just went into the bathroom and broke down in tears and started looking up apartments. I have been living here for 4 years and I can't seem to get better to get a job and move out. I'm so sick of my mom and my family not understanding or even trying to understand how hard it is living with anxiety and OCD. I have such a legit fear of surgery that I passed on ankle surgery 4 years ago despite being told I'll probably have ankle arthritis some day and need either an ankle replacement or ankle fusion. I had my wisdom teeth out in 2014 that's the only surgery I've ever had an even though I had no pain afterwards I still dealt with a bunch of bs and I'm just not mentally, physically or emotionally strong enough to do it. I guess I'll just go back to shutting my mouth and talking to a.i. about my health scares cause at 37 years old I've just learned that no one gives an f about you and you just gotta learn to suck it up and put on your big boy pants. I just feel so stuck and defeated everyone 😔

PRIV8

Date posted: 15w

Afraid of my health/overthinking

I went to internal medicine today, and i'm not perfectly healthy, My liver is a little bit fat, I have to lose weight so thats okay, also I have gallsand, which is not gallstone yet but it can become that if its not treated. Now im like these arent big problems but when i heard these I started to overthink and think about the worse that I will have gallstones cause the doctor said I have it cause it runs in my family(my mother/grandmother and uncle had it) and I just think that it wont go away, and even if i doesn I will be worried all year if it came back. Im just so afraid. Also they said I should go get a blood check, but I said i will hesitate now cause last time i almost fainted and felt horrible the whole day, and now i hear from people i know that they went and they felt sick and vomited there. But the overthinking comes from me thinking if these little symptoms I experienced which I thought its because of anxiety, was because of health issues then the other symptoms I experience sometimes (headache and lightheadedness) are there cause of another health issue, and im worrying about my health, im afraid of death, i keep imagining myself if they tell me that i have terminal illness or something really bad and i dont know how to handle it. Now i feel nausea and i would say its because of stress but i keep thinking that its because of the health issues I have...I don't know how to handle this fear, if you ask others or therapists, they will say "yeah everyone is afraid of death and suffering" or "Try to think about something else" and i wont pay for advices like this...

Health Concern OCD

Chessmixxd

Date posted: 13w

Cause For Concern

I'm going to try and be coherent because I know that sometimes during these moments I tend to babble in fear. I have a mole on the left side of my chest that I've had since I was a kid. Been there for as long as I remember. And I never paid attention to it; it was just a part of my body. I even felt a little sad considering that I might not have it anymore whenever I get top surgery. Yesterday I went down a rabbit hole and landed on Melanoma. Which, of course, prompted me to look at my mole again. And again. And again. It's large, bigger than my other moles. Always has been, at least to my knowledge. I always thought it was cute whenever it crossed my mind. Now...now I'm just scared... I'm not asking for reassurance. None of us on here are medical experts (unless youre an actual doctor) (also insert OCD joke here). I sent a picture to my doctor, and she said that if it hasnt changed size that's a good sign. But she also suggested a follow-up with a dermatologist. And that's what scares me the most. All of this started yesterday, but I sent the message to my doctor this morning. And ever since then...I havent been okay. I can barely eat, and every time I try to I can barely swallow. I've isolated myself in the guest bedroom of my parents house. I cant move. I cant think straight. And...let's just say my thoughts havent been good. Like I said, I'm not asking for reassurance or medical advice. I just...I need help to not feel like I'm dying. I didnt mention that yesterday, in the midst of going down the rabbit hole, I realized how badly I didnt want to be afraid, and yet I also felt like I needed to be afraid. And I realized that that's what ERP is (at least for me in case it's different for everyone). I really did naivietely think that it was just going to be about avoiding compulsions. I didnt realize that accepting uncertainty would feel like a death sentence. And now this has happened. I just...I'm scared. And I dont want to be. I dont want to live in this reality where I'm sick and dying. I dont want to have to tell my family. I dont want to live in that world, but it feels like I'm already in it. My body is just preparing me for it. I dont know. I dont know why I'm even making this post. No one can help me, can they?

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