I hate my hypochondria. I really fucking do. How am I supposed to tell the difference between my brain saying I’m going to die vs actually dying. It’s terrible. I feel so ashamed of myself because everyone thinks I’m an idiot for overreacting over such small things but I can’t help it. And now I’m obsessed with this lump on my vulva and I want to tell my mom about it so I can see an obgyn or something but it’s so hard because I feel embarrassed and I want to cry. I want to sob. This is all so humiliating, having my fucking brain focus on such things and it’s ironic how I always want to ask for reassurance about these things and show people but since it’s someone private I can’t do that!! Nope!! This is terrible! In my mind I have vulvar cancer and have up to 5 years, maybe more, to live— depending on how fast I get it checked out and what stage it’s at (according to google). I keep replaying my death over and over in my mind and it won’t stop I just need it to stop and the only way to do that is to tell my mom and get it checked out but that’s so awkward and embarrassing I feel so stuck even though I’m 18 I feel like an absolute child.

I’ve always relied on my mother as moral support for when I’m too scared to make appointments or go in myself. I get too nervous by myself. I’ll try and do response prevention, and it seems to be working a bit but I’m still convinced I’m going to die.

It’s been almost two weeks already, so I’m quite nervous about it. I don’t think it’s an ingrown hair though since it’s so under the surface— could be a cyst but it’s the size of about a penny, maybe a bit smaller. My mind has already jumped to cancer though as usual. I’ll try to wait it out maybe a month, I suppose?

@worryqueen Wait longer. Seriously I've had bad deep ones before. Sorry again for tmi but yes these things take time. I really thought the suggestion if making a plan for yourself was great. I have great fears of covid and I have plans for myself around getting tested. My brain really makes me truly think I'm sick all the time even though me and my partner work from home and dont go anywhere. I tell myself to give myself x amount of time and monitor symptoms. If they get worse I got for a test. More often than not they get better. That it I go for a test. It's good to start building trust with your body. Knowing yourself and learning what's a real emergency and what's not

@catattak Idk it just seems in a weird place and idk if that’s what it really is or not which makes me nervous. I’ve been there with COVID, too, and still am a bit, but I got tested negative. We can both make it through this, I believe. I just hope there’s nothing seriously wrong with me and I react too late 🙁 should I bring up where it is specifically, or would that be too tmi for a therapist?

I talked with my therapist about it and she told me the same thing— that it’ll lead to one thing after the other and that I need to sit with the uncertainty right now. I didn’t tell her where the lump was out of embarrassment and am not sure if I should mention it to her... but I’m glad you can understand what I’m going through. It’s so difficult to deal with and I hate it. Thank you for the help ❤️

@worryqueen Of course! And great! I’m glad you brought it up with your therapist. And better believe I’m experiencing the same worry with my own symptoms but diff areas/disease concerns lol but we are doing great so far starting to change our patterns and getting help :)❤️

@CocoCurl Yes, it’s nice to get help. I’m just nervous cause it seems like my therapist doesn’t take it as a real health concern when it could be.

@worryqueen Yea I understand that, I feel that way about literally anyone who I tell about my health issues often - from my sister to my mom to my therapist . Even the doctor at points. But our therapists/loved ones care about our health. But they want us to monitor it in a healthy way, not an obsessive way. And so it may seem like they aren’t taking it seriously bc the way we are currently monitoring our health is v diff (obsessive) from how a typical person would. So to us it may feel crazy or like they’re ignoring serious symptoms. But really we’re kinda drawing premature conclusions about our symptoms and we’re constantly looking for 100% certainty at all times about what our symptoms are, which isn’t possible. And so I’ve been learning that at the heart of it is having to learn how to tolerate some reasonable degree of uncertainty. And that’s what the therapy helps us with! also you can always create a plan with your therapist about when/if you should seek medical attention (like maybe after however many days, weeks, OR if symptoms get worse etc)

@CocoCurl Thank you, that make sense. I alwyays just assume they don’t care about me, which doesn’t help much. My brain says it’s urgent and I need to get checked out right away, and I guess when others don’t have the same response it make it seem like they’re the ones being unreasonable. But I see what you mean, and it makes a lot of sense. I think I’ll discuss a health plan with my therapist and see what she says. Thank you so much ❤️ I hope I can overcome this and stay healthy in the process!

@worryqueen Yes yes I so understand, we have really similar journeys based on what you’ve told me! But that’s a great plan and we got this :)❤️