I was putting my boy to bed last night like I usually do. And i had an intrusive thought that felt like an urge to touch his bum but more between his bums and private bits So I put my hand on his bum like I would anyway if I was comforting him, but then i started to move my hand over his bum to check for arousal or anything I stopped myself as i felt bad, but then I questioned how I'd touched him so I put my hand back on to check how I'd touched him. Then I stopped but checked again to see for arousal. This has happened befor but I touched his leg I know I have no intention of touching him sexually it kills me But is it wrong that I did this or is this a common thing that happens with pocd?

(i’m not a liscened expert) ERP: Let the intrusive thought of arousal come through and go - that intrusive thought of being uncertain whether you were aroused is just that - an unimportant thought. it’s important to let it just be in your head without doing the thing it wants you to do to make sure, not engaging whatsoever. allowing the uncertainty to remain and not making sure of whatever it is, is what strips the thought of its significance and power over you, this is all linked to ERP. This link helped me in my research to understand the concept of ERP : https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/what-exactly-is-exposure-and-response-prevention-erp/

I was buttoning my daughters onesie in the crotch and I had that same weird, intrusive thought urge. I breathed through it and finished. I have been reading more about ERP and how you’re supposed to do the things you would normally do regardless of your thoughts. So, after that, I was laying her down for bed and she was hyperactive and standing up in her crib and wouldn’t take her bottle. I kept laying her down and giving her a bottle but by the time I would lay her down and grab her bottle she would already be back up. I needed to have her lay down and immediately give her a bottle. So with my left arm and hand, I cradled her and kind of scooped her up with my hand between her legs so I could immediately hand her the bottle with my right hand. I remember having a thought like “you should do that, because it will get the urge out of your system” I didn’t wanna argue with myself or my ocd thoughts. And I didn’t want to avoid handling her in that way because of my ocd. That would be an avoidance compulsion. So to avoid arguing or analyzing or overthinking it too much I just did it. I maneuvered her with my hand between her legs. She was fully clothed and diapered. I paused right before and asked my self are you doing this in a malicious way and I argued back, “this isn’t even a sexual maneuver”, And again to avoid overthinking it or arguing in my mind or over analyzing it, I just did it in full confidence. But now I am obsessing over the moment. I keep ruminating over and over again. Did I have bad intent?its driving me absolutely CRAZY. I feel like I acted out on some heinous sexual desire. I see people handle their babies like that all of the time and I’ve always avoided it because of my ocd. And now I tried to do erp and stand up to my ocd and it completely backfired. I’m constantly in my head like what was the driving motive behind that maneuver? Was it bad? I have been obsessing over this for a month now. My daughter is my life I would never hurt her. She is my reason for living. And I love her more than anything, I would never intentionally harm her. Thank you for sharing your story, I feel a little less alone...

I have this all time as well. When I’m picking up my daughter and realize my hands are like near her upper body area and than I get anxiety because I don’t move it even though it wasn’t like intentional or I would ever. I find my self staring like my mind just move too in quick moments and than I’m like what the heck was that. But I try to keep moving. And recently I was going to like stand next to my wife as a baby was being changed and I was like I’m going to go over there( one point because erp and two because my wife and I are in the rough). And instantly I got anxiety, the baby was changed (like who cares) and I instantly felt like I was going over there just to see the baby get changed in a weird way. Just keep moving towards your values!

I’m not sure if it’s bad to do this but anytime something like this happens that tend to go with this theme. I just tell myself to sit with it and push through. Not trying to reassure but the fact each one of us cares so much, means something.

Yeah my therapis told me checking is very common but each time it happens I go into panic mode I often dont give into it and just ignore it but sometimes I think just this once I'll test it, but it's like once isnt enough and I have to keep reassuring my self. I just hate thinking iv harmed my child by checking

I find myself over analyzing what makes certain things “bad” or not. You can hold someone by the waist or hold their hand, and it can be completely innocent....unless you have weird alterior motives. What creates those motives? It’s certainly the thought behind the action right?? That’s what scares me. Because a bad thought was behind that action....

Yeah it's awful, see with me I checked for longer than a second, i check until I'm sure I'm not aroused, then I stop then my mind will question where my hands were so then I have to check again and it just continues a horrible cycle

DUDE

I’m struggling with the exact same situation

I feel so guilty like I had sinister intentions, but i know that I didn’t

I'm sorry people are going though a similar thing. I just feel like I purposely did it to check if I was aroused and I know deep down I dont enjoy it or want to do anything to my son he is my world But the fact I'm checking and actually touching his bum like that makes me feel like I've molested him because I acted on a thought.

I can relate to you so hard. I’m like over analyzing the motive behind each action. And I keep replaying it and I feel like my mind is making it worse than it really is. It’s telling me I did it to get sexual gratification. But I really did it to try ERP. Not to reassure but what I try to tell myself is, I didn’t actually hurt her, nor would I ever, regardless of what was in my mind. I didn’t touch her sexually, it was a less than a second maneuver and no one was hurt and no one received sexual gratification from it. That’s all that matters right? I’m like digging into the deep dark corners of my mind and I’m feeling emotions that weren’t there when the event occurred so it’s freaking me out even more. I know those emotions were not present at the time. But my brain is telling me they were. Or would if they were? It’s so horrible.