- Username
- b2192
- Date posted
- 4y ago
(i’m not a liscened expert) ERP: Let the intrusive thought of arousal come through and go - that intrusive thought of being uncertain whether you were aroused is just that - an unimportant thought. it’s important to let it just be in your head without doing the thing it wants you to do to make sure, not engaging whatsoever. allowing the uncertainty to remain and not making sure of whatever it is, is what strips the thought of its significance and power over you, this is all linked to ERP. This link helped me in my research to understand the concept of ERP : https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/what-exactly-is-exposure-and-response-prevention-erp/
Thanks for sharing this
I was buttoning my daughters onesie in the crotch and I had that same weird, intrusive thought urge. I breathed through it and finished. I have been reading more about ERP and how you’re supposed to do the things you would normally do regardless of your thoughts. So, after that, I was laying her down for bed and she was hyperactive and standing up in her crib and wouldn’t take her bottle. I kept laying her down and giving her a bottle but by the time I would lay her down and grab her bottle she would already be back up. I needed to have her lay down and immediately give her a bottle. So with my left arm and hand, I cradled her and kind of scooped her up with my hand between her legs so I could immediately hand her the bottle with my right hand. I remember having a thought like “you should do that, because it will get the urge out of your system” I didn’t wanna argue with myself or my ocd thoughts. And I didn’t want to avoid handling her in that way because of my ocd. That would be an avoidance compulsion. So to avoid arguing or analyzing or overthinking it too much I just did it. I maneuvered her with my hand between her legs. She was fully clothed and diapered. I paused right before and asked my self are you doing this in a malicious way and I argued back, “this isn’t even a sexual maneuver”, And again to avoid overthinking it or arguing in my mind or over analyzing it, I just did it in full confidence. But now I am obsessing over the moment. I keep ruminating over and over again. Did I have bad intent?its driving me absolutely CRAZY. I feel like I acted out on some heinous sexual desire. I see people handle their babies like that all of the time and I’ve always avoided it because of my ocd. And now I tried to do erp and stand up to my ocd and it completely backfired. I’m constantly in my head like what was the driving motive behind that maneuver? Was it bad? I have been obsessing over this for a month now. My daughter is my life I would never hurt her. She is my reason for living. And I love her more than anything, I would never intentionally harm her. Thank you for sharing your story, I feel a little less alone...
I have this all time as well. When I’m picking up my daughter and realize my hands are like near her upper body area and than I get anxiety because I don’t move it even though it wasn’t like intentional or I would ever. I find my self staring like my mind just move too in quick moments and than I’m like what the heck was that. But I try to keep moving. And recently I was going to like stand next to my wife as a baby was being changed and I was like I’m going to go over there( one point because erp and two because my wife and I are in the rough). And instantly I got anxiety, the baby was changed (like who cares) and I instantly felt like I was going over there just to see the baby get changed in a weird way. Just keep moving towards your values!
Weren’t we speaking on another thread last week? I can’t seem to find it. But we’re you saying there was a time where you were worried you may have hurt your son?
@Freemeofocd Yeah, good times lol. It honestly was like a feeling like I did something and than my brain was saying I hurt my son. But I didn’t know how. So I literally made lists of what I did two days before, retraced my steps. Everything. That’s when I was like, something isn’t right.
@JohnS Do you ever purposely touch somewhere to tell prove your thoughts wrong Like I know I've been down this road befor but I felt like the fact I done it 3 times to check has made me feel terrible and like my mind is replaying the memory worse than it was
@b2192 I don’t think you want to hurt your son. I think you should just sit with the discomfort or agree with it. OCD loves when you agree with it.
@JohnS We never got to discuss in detail and now I lost the thread. Same thing happens to me. I co sleep with my daughter so if I have a dream about an obsession, or a sexual dream at all I worry that I hurt her somehow in my sleep without even knowing it. It’s so horrible.
@Freemeofocd I had the same with my daughter. I was so scared of it happening again and this was before I got diagnosed. But she was with me on the couch and sick like puking and when I can’t sleep plus the fact I was scared I hurt my son my anxiety at nights were high. I had thought that I did something to her and the next day I couldn’t tell if I did it or it was just a thought. It can be very scary but anxiety definitely drives this beast. I’m glad I’m not alone either. I lost about 8 years of my life because of all of this. It started in 2013 before I got married. I literally thought I lost it.
@JohnS Yeah I really dont, like I know this is my ocd playing up but the doubt is so strong sometimes and it makes the memory of what happened worse that what it actually was Like I know I was just checking but now mind is saying you actually did it because you wanted to and you enjoyed it, its horrible
@b2192 Dude. I’ve had thoughts like what if this was okay or would my wife be okay with this? I have been down the rabbit hole. It can be scary. I literally spent 5 mins with my son and changed him into a bathing suit and that turned into how I molested him aggressively. I’ve been there and we are still here! Go love your daughter to piss off OCD
@JohnS Or children in general. Sorry got lost in the comments lol
@JohnS What your mind made you believe you molested him? Yeah the thoughts are crazy, it's so good to know others understand. That's the awfull thing about this illness it makes talking about it so difficult
@b2192 Yup. And I still get a little anxious saying that and there are seeds of doubt. But you have to just let it sit. I have literally lost so much of my life to this I feel. Feeling like I was carrying around a secret but now I got a name to put on it.
I’m not sure if it’s bad to do this but anytime something like this happens that tend to go with this theme. I just tell myself to sit with it and push through. Not trying to reassure but the fact each one of us cares so much, means something.
Yeah my therapis told me checking is very common but each time it happens I go into panic mode I often dont give into it and just ignore it but sometimes I think just this once I'll test it, but it's like once isnt enough and I have to keep reassuring my self. I just hate thinking iv harmed my child by checking
I find myself over analyzing what makes certain things “bad” or not. You can hold someone by the waist or hold their hand, and it can be completely innocent....unless you have weird alterior motives. What creates those motives? It’s certainly the thought behind the action right?? That’s what scares me. Because a bad thought was behind that action....
Yeah that wa my problem I moved my hand on his bum to check the bad thought so I instantly thought that must have meant I wanted to do that etc I should know by now to just sit with the thought and not give it attention
Yeah it's awful, see with me I checked for longer than a second, i check until I'm sure I'm not aroused, then I stop then my mind will question where my hands were so then I have to check again and it just continues a horrible cycle
DUDE
I’m struggling with the exact same situation
I feel so guilty like I had sinister intentions, but i know that I didn’t
I'm sorry people are going though a similar thing. I just feel like I purposely did it to check if I was aroused and I know deep down I dont enjoy it or want to do anything to my son he is my world But the fact I'm checking and actually touching his bum like that makes me feel like I've molested him because I acted on a thought.
I feel the same way. I feel like I acted on a thought as well. I feel like the driving factor behind the maneuver was wanting to act out on my intrusive urge and I’m using ERP as an excuse. It’s driving me mad.
I can relate to you so hard. I’m like over analyzing the motive behind each action. And I keep replaying it and I feel like my mind is making it worse than it really is. It’s telling me I did it to get sexual gratification. But I really did it to try ERP. Not to reassure but what I try to tell myself is, I didn’t actually hurt her, nor would I ever, regardless of what was in my mind. I didn’t touch her sexually, it was a less than a second maneuver and no one was hurt and no one received sexual gratification from it. That’s all that matters right? I’m like digging into the deep dark corners of my mind and I’m feeling emotions that weren’t there when the event occurred so it’s freaking me out even more. I know those emotions were not present at the time. But my brain is telling me they were. Or would if they were? It’s so horrible.
I resonate with this I felt instant anxiety around what my motive was. Like instant. It can feel scary that was lurks a bit still. I’ve been all about the loop tape apps lately. I’ll do it 30-60 mins a day.
@JohnS What are those?
@Freemeofocd I play the thought, obsession, etc on a loop tape and I make it as anxiety driven as I can and listen to it on loop and try. It to respond.
I have the most lovely 3 month old daughter....and I have chronic OCD over harm/paedophile OCD and it just consumes me. Last night , I was rubbing her chest to help her sleep and my hand rubbed over a wee button under her sleep suit. As she's a girl and I was rubbin her chest my head thought , " that's like a mound as if a breast"..... I can't remember what I thought or did after this but I may have thought " that's nice" and kept rubbing. Not long after I remember the thoughts being too much and lifting my hand away. I'm absolutely mortified at the thought I didn't lift my hand away the second my head associated that wee mound with a breast and feel like the worst dad ever now. I'm so upset over this . The amount of effort I put into not doing anything inappropriate then I let this happen. Hoping for some support! Thanks
Yesterday I was helping a child change and I was touching their skin for some reason (helping them pull up their pants or something) and then I was like “wow their skin is so soft and then I had a bad thought and then backed away. I’m really scared I am I p*do pile and did I touch them inappropriately?? I don’t want that answer to be yes or else I’m gonna throw up. I feel like I should’ve backed away when I was touching their skin soft but it felt like I was in slow motion. I’m so scared.
Ok, so I’m looking into past events…. So, I worked at a preschool and a little boy held onto my leg but I got a bad thought but still let my legs go apart to let him hug my leg. I feel awful cause I was thinking how his hands could’ve possibly hit my upper genital area…. I remember worrying about it back then and I’m still worrying about it to this day. Also, I remember thinking how this little girl may end up hitting my area if I don’t move. I didn’t move and felt awful cause I knew it would happen… it has bothered me ever since! I don’t know if that makes me an awful person. Was I taking away innocence of children by not moving?
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond