I feel like I’ve lost my identity and I don’t even know who I am anymore. My OCD is saying I’m not a woman but I hate that. And I fear that it isn’t OCD, and that I just genuinely am trans or gender fluid or something. I just can’t accept that no matter how hard I try. All I want is to feel like myself again. Pronouns are a trigger for me and they’re literally EVERYWHERE. It’s just so difficult. In a way, I miss having harm OCD or existential OCD or even health OCD because atleast I was still me. But it isn’t fair to say that because as I was going through them, they were awful. The grass is always greener I guess. I’m just feeling a little bit hopeless and alone, because I don’t think ‘gender questioning’ is a very common theme.

I realized if I didn’t want to do something, which I did not want to be lesbian, then I simply wasn’t. I had always been straight and only felt false attraction after I became worried if I was gay. I just kept on dismissing the thoughts that told me I was gay and the false attraction bc it wasn’t giving me happiness or fulfillment bc it wasn’t real. Then slowly it knew it lost all hope of any power over me so it gave up and I now have completely normal sexual thoughts and attractions to men :)

I guess on that note I’ve also convinced myself in the past, that I am an alcoholic, and that I am suicidal and homicidal. So I should put this into perspective.

I think what’s different here is that our anxiety is about the fear of being trans. While trans people have anxiety about coming out. They feel relief when they ultimately realize who they are. While with out thoughts we feel anxious and not at peace.

Ahhh thank you for making me feel less lonely, but how did you get back to normal?

Dianaaa I have convinced myself I am bisexual/lesbian and I am anxious because all LGBTQ people are anxious to come out of the closet. It’s very hard. I’ve done ERP and am on Wellbutrin. I appreciate your help and support. How do you guys tell yourself you aren’t what your brain tells you you are?! On that note....I completely support LGBTQ. One of my close friends is trans and I have many LGBTQ friends. It’s just that I’ve convinced myself I am a lesbian or bisexual after I got married to a man. Ughhhh WHY ARE OUR BRAINS LIKE THIS

Hey Eden, I have the same ocd theme as you. It’s so difficult to not know who you are anymore or what you want. When I put it into perspective, this theme makes no sense. But my brain won’t allow me to put it to rest. I continue to fear it and then question if it’s really what I want. And then I fear that I might want it. Even though I know it’s not what I want. It’s so frustrating.

Yep that’s true. God I just hate this though. It feels so true. But I’m so glad you are going through it too (well not GLAD because it bloody sucks but I’m happy we can help eachother out, ya know?).

Yep exactly. It’s honestly one of the most annoying and unshakeable obsessions I’ve ever had. No matter how much I tried to rationalise the thoughts, they’d come back stronger. So I guess I just stopped. Maybe I do want to be a guy. Maybe I don’t. But I’m just done with telling myself I am definitely a girl because it was clearly getting me nowhere. And ever since I stopped, I’ve felt better. And I forgot that this obsession even existed for me half the time. I just carry on with my life (as a female!) and if the thoughts come, I let them hit me. Because once you accept the uncertainty of it all, they can’t really impact you as badly. I know it’s scary to accept that it’s possible, but it’s doesn’t mean that it’s true. It just means that if it it, it’s not the worst things ever. That doesn’t mean you desire it, it just means you’re finally making peace with it (which is good!!!).

You just have to keep knowing deep down that no obsession with ocd is real or actually a part of your identity. Pedophiles do not have POCD, murderers do not have HOCD, and you just know and do not have anxiety over your gayness if you actually are gay, and people with Sexual orientation OCD do have anxiety over that. It’s just plain and simply, not real. Your OCD is trying to trick you.

It’s misplaced anxiety, anxiety you have given a story and a meaning to. It’s not at all actually related to our obsessions.

And also, I’m the same. I’m not able to ultimately accept that I could be what my ocd is telling me I am. That’s it. I know I’m not that. But then I don’t know who I am.

Yeah exactly! Is also very difficult because a lot of trans people coming out / accepting themselves have a hard time, so I wonder if my anxiety is if the same origin. It’s so distressing as I don’t want to accept it. Maybe that because it might make it true. I’m so glad to know there’s somebody else going through this though. But I just want to feel like a woman again :(

I know what you mean :)

Let me know if you find out any tips and I’ll do the same!

That’s the exact same as me! I love dressing up and doing my hair and nails etc. But I still get hit with these stupid thoughts. And the more I think about it, the more I fear that I want it / it’ll come true. Plus I keep being told that ‘unconditional self acceptance’ is the only way to get over it, but I’m scared that if I accept that I could be trans, it’ll become real. It’s such a difficult theme :((

Wow thank you. That’s actually very helpful. I just have a hard time lately talking to boys or hanging out with my friends that are girls because I feel as though I don’t belong anywhere. But not engaging with the thoughts will definitely be a good first step for me. I need to stop trying to convince myself it’s not true, and just accept uncertainty. It won’t be easy but it’ll definitely be more beneficial than being in constant denial. My anxiety has deffo died down a bit too, but now I’m just left with this weird feeling, almost as if I’ve CONVINCED myself I am trans. And I don’t like that. But yeah, I’ll try my best to let the thoughts and doubts be. Thank you!

That’s exactly where I was at because slowly you get so used to the thoughts that anxiety goes Dow and you think maybe it’s what you want. But when that happens you’re still fearful and unsure. That’s why I started to it engage and just live. Happy it helped you ?

Yes. I’ll let you know if I feel better soon and I’m glad you are! Thanks again :)

That’s good to hear! I was doing okay but then I was doing some checking mentally without realizing it to reassure myself. And the when I did it repeatedly, I think I had the thought that it wouldn’t be too bad to be a guy. And that set me off. I’ve been anxious since because to me it means that maybe I do want to be a guy. But I know I don’t want to but my mind won’t settle. It gets so frustrating.

OCD is a doubtful bitch and I also constantly question whether or not it’s me or it! The thing is, you know what you need to do, but you don’t know how to do it / how to make it effective. And I was in the exact same place. Honestly, I know that it’s not the best answer and potentially not the RIGHT answer, but for me it was time. With just a bit more acceptance and uncertainty each day, after a week or two, I started to feel like myself again. Cutting compulsions is definitely one of the hardest parts. I like to seek reassurance and google it and allll that, but I knew not to this time and I stopped (after a few days lol). What are your compulsions?

I was exactly like that, and still get like that sometimes. It’s good that you don’t react much to the intrusive thought, but maybe that’s because it’s just something that’s constantly with you? I know I had that. For me, there was a point where I didn’t have massive spikes of anxiety, I just felt constantly low and almost believing that I was just in denial about being trans. But after this point, I just gradually got better. I woke up in the mornings without feeling sick about it, I talked to my friends without feeling jealousy about how they new they were their genders etc. Just persevere I promise you’ll be okay.

knew*

Awww I know. You’ll get through this. I find I have it the worst when I’m close to my period and once it’s done I start to get better.

For some reason after that freak out I had, I am so indifferent to the thoughts. Like I have no reaction to them and I think I feel like myself. Don’t wanna speak too soon. But it’s been good that I’m not tormented by thoughts or feelings I have.

How are you coping right now though?

Me too! I think once I start therapy, I’ll chat about my overall OCD journey so far, and then a few weeks in mention this thought. Because a proper diagnosis would be so relieving for me. Tbh, I’m actually currently struggling a bit with HOCD and POCD so I’m constantly juggling these three obsessions around! Sorta sucks. A lot.

God I know right. Have you been looking into seeing someone? I’ve been trying so hard but I didn’t realise how expensive it’d be! I wanna start ASAP but grrr it’s hard :(

Honestly I just sort of accept it. My birthday for example was last week and I knew it’d be shit. But once I accepted that, and lowered my expectations, it wasn’t even that bad. When I’m having a really bad day with OCD, I tend to distract myself (which is a short term solution). I’ll watch a film, or talk to someone, or even seek reassurance. But you’ve gotta stop denying the thoughts! I loved to do that, but it got me absolutely nowhere. Let them sit, tell them you don’t KNOW whether or not you want that, and move on. Acceptance is not agreement and wow it’s taken me so long to realise that. Just let em be and don’t talk them out of it. And remember, bad days don’t last forever!

Yes great exactly good good good!! It’s not you it’s your thoughts, but even the smallest chance that it IS you, is enough to make your OCD bounce. So instead of saying ‘nope I’m 100% a girl’ just say ‘you know what, I don’t actually know but why should it matter?’ And through time, the thoughts will get less and less strong, until you feel exactly the same as before, only 1million times stronger. Keep going ??!!

You will! We can help each other through this I promise :)))

It totally is!!!! I had this a bunch with sexual orientation OCD :)

But now it’s completely back to normal which is good ?

Hey, I have a similar situation. I have really really bad sexual orientation OCD and it started once I married my husband. I have convinced myself I am either bisexual or a lesbian and am going to have to leave my husband. This only started after I got married. But I believe my obsessions and it controls my day almost every single day.

How do you guys deal with this?!

is OF the same origin**

For sure! Have you been to therapy?

No, I’m away at the moment but when I get back I’ll definitely start looking for some good ones specialising in OCD. How about you?

No I haven’t gotten around to it yet. But hopefully soon!

Today’s been a rough day. My thoughts keep telling me that I am trans but... at the same time I don’t want that. I know I don’t want to be trans. I’m getting anxious with these thoughts and don’t know what to do anymore.

And another thing is. I love being a woman, always have and still do. But these thoughts won’t stop despite me knowing that.

Exactly!! It’s odd how we fear that we might want it when we don’t and there’s no basis for it to be true. But how do we accept? I’ve tried accepting that I could be trans as well. But that hasn’t helped because then I keep wondering and questioning. I never end up with an answer and I’m filled with anxiety. When I feel that maybe being trans is what I want. I get filled with anxiety because I don’t want it. I want to be me, that’s all.

I think that this is due to conditioning. We think about this so much, that we feel that maybe it’s what we want. But we just keep thinking because our fear keeps our thoughts alive.

Yep. ‘The anxiety fuels the thought’ as I’ve been told a million times. But it’s so hard to just sit through the uncertainty and not reassure myself. I like to tell myself ‘ahhh you’re only thinking this because being trans is the last thing you want’ but I know I shouldn’t. Avoiding reassurance is so much easier said than done! I just wanna feel like myself again.

That’s what I’ve been trying to avoid this past week and it’s gotten so hard. I’ve avoided reassuring myself but then I’ve gotten so anxious because of my thoughts.

And sometimes I get so stuck that even reassurance doesn’t help, because I’m stuck on the what if.

I know. It just hits me at the worst times and I feel so anxious all at once! I just want this theme to pass but obviously I have to work hard in order for it to do so. But one of my new concerns is that it’s real. I haven’t been diagnosed with OCD yet as I haven’t started therapy, so I’m scared that I don’t actually have it and this is genuinely how I feel. Hshshshwjshsh it’s so annoying!!

Me too! I had HOCD before this and when this theme came up, that one disappeared. I haven’t been diagnosed yet and that’s my fear as well. But I’ve noticed that the compulsions and patterns that I do are the same as I did with HOCD. I don’t know. It feels so real even though I know I don’t want it. It’s frustrating. Also I’ve given up on some of my compulsions finally. But now because of that I fear that I don’t have OCD.

I’ve made sure I don’t google anything or seek reassurance because compulsions aren’t good. But that makes this obsession worse because there’s no relief!

Exactly!

Honestly I just want this theme to be over. I never thought I’d say this, but I’d rather have my harm OCD back.

Me too. I wish my hocd would be back as well. Even though that was horrible. Atleast I wouldn’t be worrying about who I was or wanted to be

How did you move past your other ocd themes?

To be honest, the only way I get over themes is by getting a new one. Then, because I am so caught up in the new one, I am able to analyse the previous ones without any anxiety and help myself get over them. That’s not to say they won’t come back; my health OCD still comes back from time to time. But I’m a lot less frantic about each theme.

Also, I just got the weirdest thought. I think it’s because I’m so caught up in this whole identity thing, but I was thinking about race. I’m white but I was thinking ‘what if I think I’m not white, what if I identify as another race’. God it sounds so stupid but it’s stressing me out. I mean, how can you IDENTIFY as a different race?! This is dumb but it’s giving me anxiety eeeeek.

I just read something helpful yesterday. To summarize it, we don’t need to analyze any thought for significance. Our thoughts are just thoughts and that’s it. I know what you mean, when you’re in the depth of anxiety, it’s hard to think clearly. Haha this is how my trans theme started. I started with.. what if I have Trans ocd, after I read that someone had it. But then our brains our very logical and like to rationalize things and it started to dig deeper into it because I feared it. We have to sit with the fear and just know that all our thoughts are just words. That’s it. It helps me to move around and do things to get out of my head.

Hey! The thoughts have been pretty constant today after I was triggered in the morning. I just fear that I don’t even want to be a woman anymore / don’t enjoy womenly things. I hate this! How are you?

Hey I’m sorry that it’s been a bad day. I’ve relatively been doing okay. I still get the intrusive thoughts. But I’m learning to think of them as just thoughts and that they do not reflect who I am. I’ve been doing this for the past week and guess what? I don’t have intense fear or anxiety. What does that mean? It means that maybe what my thoughts are telling me isn’t true. Biggest thing I learnt this week is to not engage in or fight the thoughts that come up. It’s a struggle, because I still want to prove I’m still a woman and want to be one. But engaging in doing that only makes it worse because I don’t know what to believe anymore. My thoughts or myself. So I stopped engaging, or atleast I’m trying to stop. I would say try doing that? It’s tough, it’s really tough when the intrusive thought makes you fearful or doubt yourself. But I would say don’t engage. I’m still trying to figure out if that means I’m ignoring the thought or accepting it. Still working on that. I just hope I continue this and I continue to feel better. I’m scared of getting into the hands of my thoughts again.

But I hope this helps!

Hey, I thought I’d ask how you’re doing.

I’m actually pretty good lately! There’s someone else on this app who is also suffering from this obsession and it’s quite relieving to talk to someone who was as frantic as me. I’m trying to help her in the same way that you’ve helped me. How are you? :)

I needed to hear that because I feel like I forgot it with being so fearful again. I think that I’ve experienced so much anxiety while cutting compulsions out that now I don’t get as anxious and don’t know what I feel anymore. After that bout of anxiety, I feel nothing for the thoughts that tell me I am a guy or want to be a guy. Haha half the time I don’t even know what my mind is telling me. Which may be a a sign of recovery but it’s so damn hard. Because you feel lost without the compulsions and anxiety.

I’m glad that you’re doing well! And I’m thinking of just using the same approach. No point trying to rationalize because it gets me no where. I think I’m so used to trying to rationalize that it’s become a habit. I tried to break it off and was successful but then some big trigger comes my way where I get caught up in it again and still end up no where.

And I just realized... that I’m obsessing again. Obsessing about whether its ocd or me ?? and that just showed me that it’s ocd playing its tricks again. It’s not about me being one gender over the other. It’s my ocd acting up again because I had a thought I got anxious about. This makes me laugh and angry at the same time.

Exactly! I need some direction in how to navigate this. I feel like I’m losing myself slowly and slowly. My compulsions are just wondering how I sound, look like, checking if I behaved or thought in a certain way. Endless things which I’m trying to cut. After this past week, I feel so empty. Like I don’t react much to any intrusive thought or compulsion. It’s like indifference and I don’t know what to make of it.

I’m glad you’re doing better. And ya exactly I’m just feeling low all the time. Thanks for the support!

Hey I’ll be honest with you today I’ve been having a pretty bad day. I’m worrying again about it so don’t feel alone. Maaaan I hate this shit.

I do feel a bit off but better than I did this weekend. I guess, for me, it’s spreading beyond gender to really dumb impossible things. But that’s still stressing me out. I know that I don’t want it, but the thoughts still chase me around and hit me every now and again. Damn I really thought I was over this! Oh well :/

Oh I know what you mean. I feel good for a few days and then get wound up in the thoughts again. The thoughts can be so convincing. I’m considering going to get a diagnosis but I’m worried that the psychiatrist will just think that I have gender dysphoria

I know me too!! I have had hocd and when this took over it’s been prominent but I have moments of hocd here and there. Ugh today’s been a tough day so far. I despise my thoughts so much because they feel so real. What should we do when they feel so real but they cause us so much distress.

^^By ‘seeing someone’, I mean a counsellor not a relationship btw ?

Haha ya I’ve been looking into it and it really is expensive

How do you cope when you have a really bad day with ocd? I keep saying to myself that I don’t want what my thoughts are telling me and my anxiety and distress keeps rising

Thank you!! I needed that today. Acceptance is not agreement. I need to remind myself of that often I think. I think that even when I know that I don’t know if I want it or not. A part of my brain keeps saying you are. When I don’t even know . I think I have to just let it be for right now and move on with things I care about. Hopefully it helps.

I just realized that my overreaction to my thoughts is what causes me to get so low and feel fearful. I need to learn how to stop giving meaning to meaningless triggers.

Thank you for that encouragement!!! Hopefully I remember this each day ?

Hey how’s it going today? :)

Hey! Today’s been interesting. I feel more resilient today. But I don’t know what to make of this one thought. So I was watching a tv series and saw an attractive man and was thinking now that guy I wouldn’t mind being. ? but of course my ocd trips up and thinks that it now means I want to be the opposite gender ??‍♀️

Again it hasn’t made me anxious today, just don’t know what to make of it. Which I think is a way good. Because I’m not attaching meaning to it. Hopefully it stays that way because if it doesn’t then I’ll start obsessing. How’s it going with you?

I’m glad you’re feeling better. OCD deffffoooo tries to trip us up at times but it’s so good that you aren’t attaching meaning!! I’m feeling okay lately but I’m just finding it a liiiiittle difficult to talk to boys (in a flirty way). And I get jealous of girls because they are girls when... so am I ?? It’s so dumb.

Or I get jealous of girls that are straight and bi because they can be with men when SO CAN I. Hfhfhdhdhdhjd

I know exactly how you feel!! I feel jealous of people who don’t have these thoughts. But you know what I’m doing now? I’m looking for reassurance that the thought I had wasn’t a fantasy ?

Okokok try your very best to not (sooo much easier said than done). Reassurance feels like the best thing ever but in the long run it’ll get you absolutely nowhere! How are you seeking reassurance? Google? Talking to people?

Just by trying to ask myself if I want it or not. And with my ocd I’ve come to a point where at times I don’t know anymore. I’ve googled... but haven’t got much reassurance. Now it feels like it’s stuck in my mind. Like I have to make sure that it wasn’t a fantasy. But I know that solving this won’t help me. Ughhh just when I thought I had gotten some relief and was feeling a bit good. I had to go ahead and hold on to a thought. I guess I ended up attaching meaning to it ??‍♀️??‍♀️??‍♀️

I just had an idea... Would you mind us using some other platform to talk and help each other out? We can keep each other in check in terms of reassurances and when we’re obsessing.. only if you feel comfortable to do so. I won’t mind if you say no. :)

Yeah no deffo! What do you wanna do? I have WhatsApp, insta, snap etc. Don’t have Facebook, Twitter or messenger tho!

Okay cool just added you!