- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
I would be honest about how your ocd has caused you a lot of problems recently, but still apologise for drifting and express how much you’d like to reconnect because she’s so important to you. Since her birthday is coming up maybe surprise her with a thoughtful gift as well and use it as an opportunity to ask if she wants to make birthday plans. Open communication is key here. I’ve had friends who have had the exact same problem as you. And trust me all I wanted was for them to feel better and I was just happy that they came to me and opened up eventually. I’m sure she loves you very much and wants you to recover.
- Date posted
- 4y
thank you! i’m going to text her tmrw and i’ll let u know how it goes
- Date posted
- 4y
I agree that you can tell her you’ve been struggling with mental health issues without specifying that’s it’s ocd or talking about your theme. You can tell her that’s it’s not just her, you’ve pulled away from everyone and you’re sorry. Also: this is actually related to ocd because your avoidance compulsion is what’s keeping you from her. How about some baby steps to get close again? Being in person is probably the most difficult so how about starting with just texting her more? Once you have a rhythm together, start calling. Then maybe get together for short hangouts. Work your way up to long ones. It will get easier as you go.
- Date posted
- 4y
thank you for the advice :) i’ll try texting her tomorrow, and apologize for not being there for her or hanging out for a while. i’ve told her before that i was struggling w my mental health, and she kinda just brushed it off and said yea ik ur introverted, which i am, but that isn’t the problem. anyway, i’ll tell her again and try to make some sort of plan for her birthday. i’ll let u know how it goes :))
- Date posted
- 4y
ok u probably don’t care sry for bothering u but i texted her an hour ago. she opened it 5 minutes later, and didn’t respond. i didn’t know she was that mad at me. i sent her this : “hey i’m rly sry for being so distant recently. i feel rly bad abt it and i miss you. i’ve been rly struggling with my mental health and i kinda stopped talking to everyone, so it’s not ur fault or anything. anyway, i get it if ur mad at me bc that’s fair, i just wanted to text u bc i do miss u. sorry for being like this :/“ oh well.
- Date posted
- 4y
@zeep I think that’s a really thoughtful and hearfelt message. My bet is she really appreciated it and is taking it in. She probably was hurt and wants to absorb your message before responding. If she sends anything back that disregards or invalidates mental health issues, then you know that there’s a genuine conflict here. You mentioned that she sort of shrugged it off before. I hope she really gets it now. And if not, I want you to know that everyone here gets it. And that mental health issues are VERY good excuses for withdrawing for a bit.
- Date posted
- 4y
@pureolife Also: you are not a bother and you don’t need to apologize for being like you are. OCD makes us feel so guilty for being tortured by it and and that’s totally unfair.
- Date posted
- 4y
@pureolife thank you so much <3 your response means so much to me
- Date posted
- 4y
@pureolife ok i am really sorry for bothering you again, you don’t need to reply. i have been texting her, she responded this morning and said that she thought there was a bigger problem if i was anxious around her, and stuff like that, to which i responded “it’s not about you, i can’t just stop being anxious around you, ive been in a really bad place, etc”. then she responded with this: “i know that mental health has been a struggle with you but you can always talk to me about it. the only time that i ever hear about it is when you are using it was a reason that you don’t talk to me. you never tell me what you’re actually going through so i just hear it as an excuse” i don’t know how to respond. i can’t tell her about ocd yet, im not ready. and i don’t know how to make her understand that this is different, like yes, i was an introvert, that doesn’t make me mentally ill. this is different. way different.
- Date posted
- 4y
@zeep this is what i’m thinking of sending in response: “you keep saying that. i haven’t always struggled with mental health. being an introvert doesn’t equal mentally ill. i have struggled before, but not recently and not like this. this is different. and it’s not an excuse for me to not talk to you, it’s an explanation, but not an excuse. i shouldn’t have done that. and i’m sorry that it’s confusing to you, but i’m not going to tell you any specifics about how i’m feeling. i appreciate that i can talk to you about it, but i’m choosing not to. i don’t owe you that information, and i would rather deal with it on my own. ik you are tired of me being like this, which is understandable, so imagine how tired i am of it. i don’t like it any more than you do. i’m sorry for being so shitty, and i’m sorry that i hurt you. is there anything i can do to make you less angry?”
- Date posted
- 4y
@zeep I like the core of that message but I think you could make it a little less defensive (if you haven’t already sent it.) “Mental health has become a much bigger problem recently. And I really appreciate that you’re available to talk. I don’t feel ready to open up about what I’m going through. I’m sorry that not having more specific information can feel confusing or seem like an excuse. I am very much struggling and doing my best to work through this. I really appreciate how patient you’ve been with me and I don’t want to lose you as a friend. If there’s something I can do to make this up to you, please let me know. You mean a lot to me.”
- Date posted
- 4y
@pureolife i already sent it, so maybe i can fill up with a message apologizing for my tone and use what you said.
- Date posted
- 4y
@zeep follow*
- Date posted
- 4y
@zeep I’m sure it’s fine. Don’t worry about over apologizing. You’re close friends and she should understand.
- Date posted
- 4y
@pureolife thanks. she’s not answering me anymore, but that’s ok. she’s allowed to be angry. i’ll stop bothering you now haha,but thank you so much for the advice <3
- Date posted
- 4y
also i can’t tell her that i have ocd bc i haven’t been diagnosed, and tbh idek if it’s ocd anymore, and i can’t tell her specifics abt it
- Date posted
- 4y
You can tell her the truth, which is you’ve been struggling with mental health problems that you suspect to be ocd. Not everybody can access a diagnosis, this doesn’t mean your mental illness is any less valid and you wouldn’t be deceiving her if you tell her that.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 22w
I’ve posted this under a comment before, but if anyone has the time to read it and maybe share their experience or tips with me, I would really appreciate it. This is just kind of the reason why Idk if I only have OCD or if I should get checked for BPD aswell as emotional dependency is (as far as I know) not a common symptom of OCD and neither are excessive changes in emotions/moods. I think the worst part my situation is that one of my biggest and most damaging if not destructive obsessions I developed earlier this year was this constant fear that my friend would lie to me about meeting up with a boy she liked (we are both girls and queer, she didn’t know that about me until recently, but I’ve known that she is and we both sort of crushed on each other). Not just lie, but do it behind my back, keep it a secret, and then maybe even end our friendship without saying anything. And the thing is... that basically happened. Two weeks ago she started acting strange one day out of nowhere, and then I found out (through another friend) that he was coming over to her place. We had already talked about this before, I had cried in front of her and confessed how much it hurt me. I know doing that probably wasn’t the healthiest thing, but my emotions completely overwhelmed me in that moment. And even though nothing physical happened between them, it still felt like a betrayal. I’m not saying it was cheating, obviously not, we’re not in a relationship and it is unfair of me to try and tell her who or not to date, but it still hurts. Especially as weeks ago, we already had a detailed conversation about this. She told me she didn’t actually like him that much, and that if they were going to meet again, she’d be honest with me about it. But instead of being honest that day, she said nothing. Worse, she suddenly stopped talking to me, which made me think I had done something wrong so I completely lost my mind. She knows I’m emotionally dependent on her to some extent, so when she goes cold or distant, I spiral. And that day, I saw them talking and going quiet as I walked by, and then she literally turned to walk into a different direction. I don’t know why but it just crushed me. I thought she was mad at me, and I just felt like I was being shut out and lied to. And as I’ve mentioned, later that day, after eight hours of crying, another friend told me what really happened. She even drove me to her place so we could talk. We did talk, but since then, we haven’t had any contact. And it’s driving me absolutely insane. She told me it would be “people-pleasing” if she didn’t try to date him. And I know she’s kind of right, but she still lied to me. She didn’t care if that meant that she would throw away our friendship, or at least she treated it like it was worth less than a potential (!) relationship with a guy who, as far as I know, didn’t even respond when she told him she had feelings for him. It’s honestly devastating. I feel betrayed, discarded, and totally lost and I know I can’t even logically be mad at her as the reason she didn’t tell me is obvious and as a good friend I should just be happy for her, but my emotional side is so much stronger than my logic.
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- Date posted
- 14w
the past month ive been ruminating about a time last year where i hurt a friend by unintentionally bringing up a traumatic memory when i was really drunk, enough that i didnt remember it, so i went 6 months without apologizing until i was worried when they werent talking to me anymore. so they told me when i finally tried to talk to them. i apologized and they told me we were ok now, and still want me in their life, but now they stopped talking to me again and its been 3 weeks, and im terrified that i did something again, especially since they stopped talking to me when i made a mistake before, and wont tell me outright. the event triggered horrible horrible guilt over what i did, mostly guilt About the guilt i was feeling, because its not a normal amount of guilt for a regular person, and eventually my compulsions for confessing and ruminating reached a high point. and when they stopped talking to me again they got even worse . they are aware i suffer from ocd and anxiety to an extent (we've been friends since we were teenagers) so its hard for me to believe they wouldn't do this unless i did something wrong again, especially due to the events of my past mistake. lately ive been wondering, 'have they found out my abnormal reaction to what happened ?' 'did a friend who knows about it tell them?' ive been avoiding asking them if i did something wrong again, because i dont want to make it a habit since i can fall very deeply into that hole of asking for reassurance and i feel even regular reassurance, without the ocd, im the last person who deserves that right now. im scared they somehow found out about my compulsions (which isnt entirely irrational) and i feel the need to apologize to them again. ive been having panic attacks about this. i feel like no matter what i do i cant fix our friendship, and its going to end badly. i feel like a terrible friend, and im too mentally ill to have friendships. i don't know what to do.
- Date posted
- 12w
Not directly OCD related, but: The therapist I will be talking to is not yet my official therapist and to keep a long story as short as possible: I’m from Germany, you usually get 1-2 sessions without “signing a contract” to see if you get along, I haven’t signed yet because I honestly want a different therapist but I also don’t want to wait 6 months and this will already be my 4th session with her. This time, me and my best friend will both attend at the same time since we’ve had ongoing and reoccurring issues for the past 6 months in our friendship, including confusing romantic feelings on my behalf and an overall misunderstanding and misinterpretation of each others feelings towards each other. We both recently graduated and she already knows what university she will be attending (somewhat pretty far away from mine) and even if I wanted to I most likely can’t live near her or attend the same uni. I don’t know how to explain this, but I have been grieving part of our friendship for the past year and the first time I felt like something was off was about 1 1/2 years ago. We haven’t been friends for that long (about 2 1/2 years) but we became very close friends very quickly and I do not want to lose her. However, I do feel like she has changed. Not personality wise but in her attitude towards emotions and friendship? We used to talk so much more and everything felt happier in the beginning as it does now. Obviously our friendship has had its hardships in the last 6 months (she liked/likes(?) a boy, I liked/like(?) her, she used to like be but only in the beginning of our friendship) but I miss our conversations and picknicks and just hanging out with her like normal. We also hat a time in which we didn’t talk to each other for almost 2 months and NOTHING about this made anything easier. I’m genuinely trying to detach myself from her like she did with me but nothing works. Last week we had our high school grad ceremony and we danced and when I held her hands to guide her through the people dancing, I felt those stupid butterflies again and I genuinely don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think I wouldn’t even befriend now her if we were strangers, but we made so many memories and I hate change and graduating, moving away from ALL of my friends and losing the best friend I ever had is too much for me. I get so jealous thinking about how she is going to met new friends at uni and finding a partner and forgetting about me. And I don’t know how to say any of this tomorrow because my therapist honestly doesn’t seem to care about anything I say and neither does my friend. Everytime I say that I feel like there is an issue we need to solve or talk about she just shakes it off. I feel helpless.
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