Don’t know how to feel anymore. I went to my 1st prenatal appt today to confirm the pregnancy. I saw the heartbeat and saw the fetus and sac and everything. Fetus has a good heartbeat all looks well. I got sad and tears eyed when I saw the ultrasound because I feel like a sad, lost and confused soul. I didn’t feel maternal when I saw the ultrasound. The dr asked if I even wanted to see and hear the heartbeat since I told her I want sure if I wanted to continue with it. I insisted . She did prescribe Zoloft in a higher dose than I had before which I think was 50mg. I have another appt next week to make my decision. Otherwise if I continue with the pregnancy my next prenatal would be in 12 weeks(I’m apparently 7 weeks 1 day.) My thoughts which had subsided and weren’t causing me as much stress anymore started ruminating again. Telling myself I can’t live with uncertainties not when it comes to bringing a child into this world and even without the thoughts I feel as if I just don’t see myself being a mother and doing the whole mother thing. I was thinking “ maybe if it’s a boy I’ll keep it, but I can’t have a girl” who thinks like this?? Then this morning before my appt I really started thinking like “ doesn’t matter what the gender is ... what if you’re attracted to your child or abuse them eventually because the thoughts won’t ever end. To make matters worse by bf seems to think I’m gonna go through with the pregnancy , sees it as a fur sure thing and asks everyday if I’ve take my prenatals and stuff. I feel so sad as a human being. The whole country seems to be focused on the elections and the pandemic and I’m Worried about my thoughts, being a “ P” feeling like I am one. There’s a battle /war in my head about keeping or terminating. I’m just trying to be a “ normal” person and live a day at a time. I wish I had none of these worries.

POCD

DefeatingThis!

Date posted: 4y

I would say keep the baby and fight through it. Don’t let OCD ruin your life or your goals. You’ve made it this far

Momof2

Date posted: 4y

Hey girl. I am 14 weeks pregnant and also struggle with pocd/harm ocd. I also have a 4 year old daughter who the pocd stems from. It is very very hard and I still have not fully accepted I am pregnant and I have many doubts about how I will act when the baby is born and going to my OB makes me very scared as well. My pocd started right when I got pregnant, I’m guess the hormones are causing my ocd to be so so much worse. I’m on Prozac 20mg and buspar for anxiety. I’m seeing TWO therapists. Trust me. I am in the SAME boat as you. It’s so fucking hard. I can barely manage taking care of my daughter that I already have, let alone a new born who relies on me for everything. Trust me I’m terrified to my core but I love my kids and we have to be strong. If you ever need to talk message me. I suffer every day trust me.

Jojo

Date posted: 4y

Thank you for this. I wish there was a way to PM here. Idk I think I’m strong. I try to keep my faith and push through but I just don’t know. This would be my 1st child if I decide to continue. I seriously feel like at this point I need to listen to my heart and not go through with it. I know these are thoughts but they feel so real and at times tell me otherwise. That’s my fear that I decide to keep and the thoughts will get worse and I won’t be able to function or care for a child. I’ve told my bf my fears , while he tried to understand since he can’t fully make sense of it, he thinks if I have a baby, I’ll just get over it. I know that’s not the case. It’s hard because I also don’t feel any positive emotions towards the pregnancy and he sees it as a for sure thing. I get down on myself for even putting myself through this.

ashleyboo

Date posted: 4y

I am a mom of a 7 month old baby and have struggled with POCD. It’s not easy hun. I see a counselor. I talk to her once a week mostly unless something gets in the way. I avoided giving him a bath sometimes now I take a bath with him almost everyday. Diapers weren’t easy I would quickly try to put them on sometimes. Looking at him was and is still hard sometimes. I wanted to have kids when I was a young teen growing up into adult hood (I was an adult the last time I felt I wanted to have a baby with someone) at least I believe so I still try to check these kind of things out like how old I was when things happened or when I felt certain ways anyways getting off track here. It’s possible hun if you want to try. It’s definitely a lot to think about. Idk how you feel hun but I want to say I wanted my baby. I feared losing him or being reported or people thinking I’m not fit to take care of him once I open up to certain people about what goes on with me. It’s hard but I haven’t gave up yet and I haven’t been planning on it. Do what you feel is best hun. I wish you and the baby the best and hope whatever happens you guys can live happy lives. There will be good times and bad times. I had some great times and I had some terrible times.

Jojo

Date posted: 4y

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I didn’t bother or haven’t bothered to share the ultrasound pic to my bf because I don’t want him to get attached. I feel like I can’t even talk to him honestly about terminating because he doesn’t agree with it and we’ve been through it before. I feel sad for him and for me in general. I feel like if I maybe had a maternal instinct right now then I would be more inclined to carry on with it but because I don’t it causes me more doubts and worries about the future. I feel as if my heart tells me I know what to do...which is to terminate but a very very small part tells me “ what if you don’t “ but then my thoughts tell me “ you can’t live with those thoughts and uncertainties not with a child in your life” I pray to God he shows me the way. 🙏🙏😞😞😞😞

ashleyboo

Date posted: 4y

@Jojo Hun I still struggle with bonding with my son. I feel like I’m supposed to be utterly in love and in Awh but in all reality I spend a lot of time not feeling like that. I broke down once crying I couldn’t look at him. This was shortly after I had him. I felt like I didn’t want him And I just cried because I mean to feel that way about your own son is terrible.. for him and it can be for me. It’s hard when you think and feel like you’re supposed to feel one way but it’s not exactly there. But I didn’t want to give up. And I do what I can so he feels loved and hopefully he won’t know for awhile about what I go through. But sometimes I think about the fact I’ve been doing this for 7 months and I got through it. It’s possible hard but possible but don’t feel obligated to keep the baby if you truly feel you can’t do it and maybe try being open with your partner. It might be hard but it’s important and I hope you find a way to get through this. I personally support whatever decision you feel you should make. But just know this is possible hun and you can do it.

Jojo

Date posted: 4y

@ashleyboo Thank you. I appreciate the support esp coming from a woman . 💛💛

ashleyboo

Date posted: 4y

@Jojo You’re welcome 😊

ashleyboo

Date posted: 4y

Also he is my first son. He was my first pregnancy and only so far.

Holl1

Date posted: 20w

OCD

So I’ve just found out I’m pregnant and I’m freaking out rn I’ve been getting thoughts like “I’ll be a bad mum” and overthinking everything & my OCD is convincing me that I’ll act on my thoughts because of my hormones and stuff. I’ve also got a fear of being sick & I’m stressing over that too. Anyone else who has harm OCD pregnant or a Mum can give me some advice pls😭

Harm OCD

avantika 🪻

Date posted: 16w

Rant...

I just feel like therapy isn’t working… like I get to talk about myself and understand myself… but I’m already incredibly self aware. My therapist thought I was like 5 years older than I am… and she gives me such basic strategies that do absolutely nothing for me. And a psychiatrist prescribed me with Zoloft… but I don’t know if T want to take medication. I’m scared of side effects… and I’m scared of getting better… I’m scared of letting my guard down. I know it will make me less cautious which makes me less likely to push myself to perfection like I currently do, which I can’t have happen. Every time I talk to my mom about it, she’s always like “Let’s talk about this some other time, I’m busy with other things”, and then never remembers. But in the rare moments we do talk about it, she treats it like I’m signing up to be a drug addict. I also feel very guilty for spending so much of my parents’ money- therapy… medication… etc… and also the idea of my being unlovable is so deeply engraved in my brain… I genuinely, truly believe it. No therapy or medication can fix it. I can’t change my mind. My therapist tells me my misophonia is not a “deal-breaker” and that someone would be lucky to have me as a partner… but then why hasn’t anyone ever liked me? My own FAMILY can’t stand me. How do I believe something I know isn’t true? That’s even harder to accept than me being unlovable. I can’t see someone loving me. And it is so incredibly exhausting to seek love,e I know I cannot have. My sister says, “It will get better with age…” It has only ever gotten worse. To the point I don’t want to get better. It has reached the severity where I feel more safe and successful with anxiety. My past 3 birthdays have been me wishing for therapy. And now I have therpay- and medication, the potential key… and I refuse? Am I too deep in? I cant get out, it’s too late. How did absolutely no one notice how much I had and have been hurting? Why did no one listen to my cries or worries? I feel really depressed and hopeless right now. It takes so much effort to get up every day… I’m so tired.

ocdsuxxx

Date posted: 15w

Can’t remember being normal

I used to never have these thoughts it feels like im a different person and im so sad . I watched a TikTok of a girl with her kid and my Brain says how has she not killed her kid yet like wtf cus I get so many thoughts I’m shocked other ppl don’t and now my Brian says how I have I not hurt my dad . I keep posting and I shouldn’t but I feel not normal

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