Don’t know how to feel anymore. I went to my 1st prenatal appt today to confirm the pregnancy. I saw the heartbeat and saw the fetus and sac and everything. Fetus has a good heartbeat all looks well. I got sad and tears eyed when I saw the ultrasound because I feel like a sad, lost and confused soul. I didn’t feel maternal when I saw the ultrasound. The dr asked if I even wanted to see and hear the heartbeat since I told her I want sure if I wanted to continue with it. I insisted . She did prescribe Zoloft in a higher dose than I had before which I think was 50mg. I have another appt next week to make my decision. Otherwise if I continue with the pregnancy my next prenatal would be in 12 weeks(I’m apparently 7 weeks 1 day.) My thoughts which had subsided and weren’t causing me as much stress anymore started ruminating again. Telling myself I can’t live with uncertainties not when it comes to bringing a child into this world and even without the thoughts I feel as if I just don’t see myself being a mother and doing the whole mother thing. I was thinking “ maybe if it’s a boy I’ll keep it, but I can’t have a girl” who thinks like this?? Then this morning before my appt I really started thinking like “ doesn’t matter what the gender is ... what if you’re attracted to your child or abuse them eventually because the thoughts won’t ever end. To make matters worse by bf seems to think I’m gonna go through with the pregnancy , sees it as a fur sure thing and asks everyday if I’ve take my prenatals and stuff. I feel so sad as a human being. The whole country seems to be focused on the elections and the pandemic and I’m Worried about my thoughts, being a “ P” feeling like I am one. There’s a battle /war in my head about keeping or terminating. I’m just trying to be a “ normal” person and live a day at a time. I wish I had none of these worries.

Thank you for this. I wish there was a way to PM here. Idk I think I’m strong. I try to keep my faith and push through but I just don’t know. This would be my 1st child if I decide to continue. I seriously feel like at this point I need to listen to my heart and not go through with it. I know these are thoughts but they feel so real and at times tell me otherwise. That’s my fear that I decide to keep and the thoughts will get worse and I won’t be able to function or care for a child. I’ve told my bf my fears , while he tried to understand since he can’t fully make sense of it, he thinks if I have a baby, I’ll just get over it. I know that’s not the case. It’s hard because I also don’t feel any positive emotions towards the pregnancy and he sees it as a for sure thing. I get down on myself for even putting myself through this.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I didn’t bother or haven’t bothered to share the ultrasound pic to my bf because I don’t want him to get attached. I feel like I can’t even talk to him honestly about terminating because he doesn’t agree with it and we’ve been through it before. I feel sad for him and for me in general. I feel like if I maybe had a maternal instinct right now then I would be more inclined to carry on with it but because I don’t it causes me more doubts and worries about the future. I feel as if my heart tells me I know what to do...which is to terminate but a very very small part tells me “ what if you don’t “ but then my thoughts tell me “ you can’t live with those thoughts and uncertainties not with a child in your life” I pray to God he shows me the way. 🙏🙏😞😞😞😞

@Jojo Hun I still struggle with bonding with my son. I feel like I’m supposed to be utterly in love and in Awh but in all reality I spend a lot of time not feeling like that. I broke down once crying I couldn’t look at him. This was shortly after I had him. I felt like I didn’t want him And I just cried because I mean to feel that way about your own son is terrible.. for him and it can be for me. It’s hard when you think and feel like you’re supposed to feel one way but it’s not exactly there. But I didn’t want to give up. And I do what I can so he feels loved and hopefully he won’t know for awhile about what I go through. But sometimes I think about the fact I’ve been doing this for 7 months and I got through it. It’s possible hard but possible but don’t feel obligated to keep the baby if you truly feel you can’t do it and maybe try being open with your partner. It might be hard but it’s important and I hope you find a way to get through this. I personally support whatever decision you feel you should make. But just know this is possible hun and you can do it.

@ashleyboo Thank you. I appreciate the support esp coming from a woman . 💛💛

@Jojo You’re welcome 😊