Hi guys. I've had the worst news possible. I've had health OCD for more then 15 years and with meds, ERP and a lot of effort I was starting to get by. But yesterday I went to the optalmologist for a regular checking, and all of a sudden she told me I have Glaucoma??. I'm 44. What the fuck!? No job, no family(all dead from cancer) and now the possibility of becoming......I don't even want to think about it. I am going to ask for a 2° opinion but this does not look good. I feel I have not incentives or motivations in life to keep going any more.And I will probably have to quit my meds(ISRS) just in case they have something to do with the Glaucoma. I feel very depress. I apologise for being so negative this time but I do not feel like talking to anyone close to me about it yet. The "what if" is killing me a and this is gonna be a hard one to get over...thank you for reading this and being there.

So, as of one hour ago today I am officially diagnosed with severe contamination ocd. I don't know how to process this, my moms crying, my therapist is moving to Uruguay and won't be able to continue our therapy, what in actual hell do I do. What am I doing. I don't know how to process this. The issue isn't just that I have it- it's that it's severe, not mild, not moderate, permanent. Incurable. I want a cure so bad, I want a magical pill to make it go away and it simply does not exist. Feel free to message me eith advice for newly diagnosed ocd'ers, I definitely could use it. Have a lovely day everyone ♡

I'm going to try and be coherent because I know that sometimes during these moments I tend to babble in fear. I have a mole on the left side of my chest that I've had since I was a kid. Been there for as long as I remember. And I never paid attention to it; it was just a part of my body. I even felt a little sad considering that I might not have it anymore whenever I get top surgery. Yesterday I went down a rabbit hole and landed on Melanoma. Which, of course, prompted me to look at my mole again. And again. And again. It's large, bigger than my other moles. Always has been, at least to my knowledge. I always thought it was cute whenever it crossed my mind. Now...now I'm just scared... I'm not asking for reassurance. None of us on here are medical experts (unless youre an actual doctor) (also insert OCD joke here). I sent a picture to my doctor, and she said that if it hasnt changed size that's a good sign. But she also suggested a follow-up with a dermatologist. And that's what scares me the most. All of this started yesterday, but I sent the message to my doctor this morning. And ever since then...I havent been okay. I can barely eat, and every time I try to I can barely swallow. I've isolated myself in the guest bedroom of my parents house. I cant move. I cant think straight. And...let's just say my thoughts havent been good. Like I said, I'm not asking for reassurance or medical advice. I just...I need help to not feel like I'm dying. I didnt mention that yesterday, in the midst of going down the rabbit hole, I realized how badly I didnt want to be afraid, and yet I also felt like I needed to be afraid. And I realized that that's what ERP is (at least for me in case it's different for everyone). I really did naivietely think that it was just going to be about avoiding compulsions. I didnt realize that accepting uncertainty would feel like a death sentence. And now this has happened. I just...I'm scared. And I dont want to be. I dont want to live in this reality where I'm sick and dying. I dont want to have to tell my family. I dont want to live in that world, but it feels like I'm already in it. My body is just preparing me for it. I dont know. I dont know why I'm even making this post. No one can help me, can they?

Hello everyone, I hope you are all doing well! I lost my dad yesterday and me having ocd since I was 7, it just skyrocketed. Yesterday it was difficult for sure, but I didn’t have any intrusive thoughts about self harm. It all happened suddenly when I was half asleep (trying to sleep even though it was really hard), were I feel as if a switch turned on in my brain and out of nowhere I started feeling angry. I recognised at that moment that I was not angry but that’s what my brain was telling me. And that’s when I had an intrusive thought of harming my mom came to my mind and immediately after that came the thought of harming myself. And it stuck. I know grief can make these themes pop up, but what if this is all real and not ocd? I’m scared. I acknowledge I don’t have thoughts in my head of planning to harm myself, it’s just a feeling that this is going to happen. Now letting my thoughts out brings me relief, even sometimes this intrusive thoughts bring me relief (that is very scary), but ocd makes me so pessimistic, and that I’m doomed in life and the sad life my dad had will also be mine as well. There are moments where I feel hope and relief, but it doesn’t last for long. As if I’m so so sure that this is going to happen. And me having magical thinking ocd doesn’t help either. Grief is hard, sometimes I cry, other times I laugh with my friends and family, but those moments I laugh is when I get terrified ( I read people who have made up the decision to (you know) are happy and laugh. Anyways, I’ve talked to my mom about it, she’s super supportive of me restarting therapy and even though she’s struggling with grief, she’s always there to listen to me and give me all the comfort I need. But I informed her about the thoughts the moment the popped up. Just so that she knows and can save me because I don’t trust myself at all. Sorry for this huge rumble, but I’d really appreciate your advice. I’m scared and so not ready to start therapy (at one hand I don’t want to, it feels such a chore, but I know I need to get help). I’m very pessimistic at the moment and I feel no one can convince me that I’ll get better. I think my future life, and it brings me this warm nice feeling and then it is followed by the thought that this will never happen. And because I have magical thinking ocd, and my uni exams have just started, I had this feeling that this exam season will be endless and it’s never going to end. Guess what, I’m probably going to just take one exam out of three (my mind is like you see, this thought and feeling came true) and that’s where I get super pessimistic. Okay, I’ll shut up for now, please give me some advice on how you try to manage your thoughts and what to do for now. Take care ❤️