this is going to be very very TMI. but i feel like i need to let it out bc it is one of the biggest triggers of my Homosexual OCD. i’ve liked boys my whole life , even though i was very shy with it i always did. whether it be on tv, movies, my older brother’s friends, my guy friends, guys in school, etc. u get the point. always loved guys always will even though OCD likes to tell me otherwise. however, when i was little say age 7, one of my older friends by a year she was 8, introduced me to porn. yeah i know i was really really young. i had a clue on what “sex” was (not really but i knew it was something adults did and had something to do with kissing). so when she showed me we would masturbate to it together and that was that. i would do this every so often alone on my computer from age 7. insanely young to even know about that i know. and then when me and her would practice kissing together. and we would dry hump each other. but the thing is we would take turns pretending to be “the boy”. like i would “be the boy” so she could practice and then she would “be the boy” so then i could. i know it’s normal for young girls even guys to engage in same sex experimentation because of curiousity. but i feel like my HOCD always picks at this telling me i’m gay. she and i are still such close friends and i never thought about our younger years until i got HOCD. i don’t have any attraction towards her and never did when i was younger. i always would pretend she was a boy. sometimes she’d even ask me and i would just get so uncomfortable kissing her it was all weird to me and not right. at a young age i knew that. i still have never been sexually attracted to a woman or had a desire to be with one . idk why i’m writing this. to let it out i guess. if u made it this far thanks

You don't even imagine what I relief I haave reading this because I went through a similar situation. I discovered porn at the age of 6 or 7, extremely young and started to masturbate to it. Back then I had a friend who didn't know (or at least that's what she told me) about porn and sexual stuff, including masturbation. One day I had the idea to show her how to masturbate , but she couldn't do it. This sounds stupid, but then we kind of engaged in a sort of? Sexual activity? I don't even know how to call it because I only wanted to show her how to masturbate. But then we had these "activities" more regularly untill one point when I said to myself that this isn't right and I do not want to continue anymore. But all this time we would dress up for boys, we would compete with each other because we liked the same boy, we would talk about boys for hours. You get the idea. And now not only do I feel guilty because I did that, but ocd wants to convince me that I am gay using this "argument". Yes, I've read that this kind of behaviour is normal but I just want to forget it, it's just not right. Although I competely understand that I have to let is go and move on with my life. Because at the end of the day, neither you nor me are gay

I'm on the same boat. When I was young - I must have been 8 or 9 - I started to notice girls in a sexual way. I'd fantasize of kissing them, seeing them naked and being with them naked. I had some boy on girl experiences that I love to think about. At the age of 12 was when I got the need to have sex for the first time. There was this girl who I had a major crush on. I thought and fantasized about her. She was also the first girl I ever *cough* pleasured myself to. Going to middle school I was brutal bullied. Someone started a rumour that I was gay, and I was ridiculed for it. At the time there was another girl I liked, who even sort of shamed me for asking her out. Shortly thereafter I started getting intrusive thoughts of being gay, and much more gruesome imagery. There were 0 girls in my life and I was curious, "what would it feel like to touch a girls butt?", "What would it look like to be in X position?" So I'd touch other boys and I'd position myself to see what some sex position would look like. I drew to the line there and never got physical. I've only ever kissed girls. I was so depressed that I wasn't even fighting my thoughts, so during that time I even masturbated to get thoughts. Did it feel good? Yeah. Was it was I wanted or who I was? Positively not. Of course I was miserable because I felt I wasn't living the life I wanted. Someone even threatened to rape me. I just wanted to escape from the bullying. I just wanted girls. Eventually I just said "fuck everyone" and decided never to look back on that part of my life again. I realised that by actions were mostly because of the deprivation of an adequate social life and acceptance by my peers than any other scenario. I went on to fall in love with an amazing girl - quite a few of them actually - but she never liked me. Some other girl liked me though and the rush I felt. I had the feeling of "I must have her now" every time I'd see her. After her, One rejection lead to another. I fell into a pit of depression. I got ED sand my sex drive tanked. And... HOCD came back! Every little ambiguous thing I did as a has come back to haunt me, much like yourself. As you said, kids do a lot of weird things. I even said this yesterday on another thread. Kids and especially teenagers do things that are not only questionable, but also flat out disgusting. Things that their older selvs will remember and cringe. A therapist once told me that you could rub yourself against your bed, or your pillow and it would still feel good. After that you could get an erection every time you saw that thing. Does it mean that you're sexually attracted to shoes or pillows? No. The same thing goes for same sex experimentation. Unless you're making love, getting off is just getting off and it has nothing to do with your sexuality. The therapist even told me that people even experiment later in life and they still are confident of who they are. Everybody has a passing curiosity about sex with the same sex. It's part of growing and considered healthy, supposedly. Both of us think about this stuff and it disgusts us. Something that's your identity, and especially your sexual identity, is not something that disgusts you.

@rami :-) yep I know what you're talking about. Just before falling asleep I usually get these images from the past acompanied with weird sensations and loads of anxiety. But oh well,I guess it's just my past and I gotta accept it. The future is what matters and I will not let some freaking ocd change my mind.

Gosh I truly get what you are saying. And I would do anything in the world just to have a clear mind that would think just as I do now. But I am sure that doubt will slap me again. It sucks. Thank you guys for sharing your past , even though it is painful

Wow! Well. I already talked about the assault. But my two best friends when we were 9, or maybe 10.....I forget. One of them talked me into dick sword fighting. Eventually i relented and did it, and felt really weird about it. Anyway some time later one of the two friends would then have us compare duck sizes which was more of a competitive thing. Fast forward more time and we start....playing with each other. Again I’m talked into and feel really pressured. We all masturbated quite a number of times in the same room while our parents didn’t know. The other two could come but I would not be able to until later as I was a year younger. Eventually this occasionally progressed to oral. Which I massively regret but really enjoyed at the time. Ugh...... The problem is, the lad who got me into it REALLY regretted it and backed out. The other friend who got him into it came out as gay. And I was kinda ‘ I like girls but I’ll get head wherever I can’. So separated were the two. The gay lad would want to take things further and try and french kiss (which i again did for about 4 secs but it was horrid). He even wanted to do anal and claimed that a third friend of ours had done that! I drew the line there and was really thinking it was time to depart. Nothing against him but he was REALLY pressuring me and this other friend. I do wish we had never done those things. I stayed friends with the hotter who had ‘introduced ‘ me because he moved away from it and I decided I wanted to. By the time I was eleven I had forgotten about it, and then hit puberty as soon as I turned 13, and developed a crush on the tennis player Jennifer capriati ? So...........man. I have never ever talked about this to anyone. Gay experiences? I don’t know. I do know one thing. I’m not saying these are big traumas but clearly these experiences we have all had are a bit too much for all of us. Many of us experienced bullying and may have been too compliant growing up. OCD feels like this thing triggered to protect us. Early sexualisation is not really a great thing. My obsessions with screwing have consumed my life. I’ve been hyper sexual, have cheated on past partners, have used too much porn (although not escalated in theme, only ever normal sex), got anxious and burnt myself out leading to performance problems. While thing become a drug, and not one I enjoyed. As I recover now I’m not feeling very sexual or amorous. Thanks for being here. Life has thrown me around like a rag doll. I’ve made more personal development in the last decade than ever but the ocd has also scarred me more than ever. I’ve got so much work to do on myself.

Wow, your story took me aback, @Soniclen. And actually thank you for sharing it. It madr me feel a lot better, to be honest. I'm glad I never took anything to the physical. I didn't want to. In my head I wanted to be sexually and emotionally involved only with girls. I don't even know how a 10 year old kid knew how to do anal. When I was that age I would fantasize about being naked with girls, kissing me and I thought that was sex. I didn't even know that I could put my little boner in a girl. And even so, I was like "I can't wait to do this with a girl!"

I know how you feel man. HOCD, and actually OCD in general, has that kind of power. What you need to remember is that first of all you're not the same person as then. You were a curious kid and you didn't think much of what you did. Kids do very questionable and disturbing things, myself included. A therapist once told me that you could rub yourself on a sofa and it would feel great, but it doesn't mean you're sexually attracted to sofas. The bottom line is that getting off is not the same as making love. I couldn't see myself being with a man, it makes me cringe, but sex would still have exactly the same effect. I can only see myself being intimate and making love to a woman. And from what you said, I get the impression that you feel the same way.

@deputydean that means a lot and helps put my mind at ease a lot. It’s amazing how many people have this obsession and before nOCD I never would have imagined it was even a real thing

Are you a woman or a man inside and outside. Can you answer this question without thinking about it. Only take one second and answer it.

@tia776 thank u for replying i feel such a sense of relief . i have never told anyone about this so it feels good to know i’m not alone. i feel really guilty regardless and wish it never happened bc it weirds me out

thank you guys sm

And also, what do you mean by assault? Were you sexually assaulted?

When I was 9 I sexually experimented with my cousin (he was 7) and ever since I feel so guilty. Because I was older I always feel as though it was my fault as I had been the one to suggest it and now think that my HOCD is karma for that experience. I also think that experience is proof that I’m gay. I have never fancied a man only ever girls and have had several female partners but in the last 6 months I’ve had to grapple with HOCD. It started with an intrusive thought of you’re gay and because my brother had the exact same problem and his therapist told him to watch gay porn and see if he liked it and he said he didn’t, I decided I could just get rid of these thoughts if I watched it but instead I was really sexually aroused by it which caused me to be really depressed for weeks. I could barely leave the house. My sister who suffered from harm ocd helped me to block out the thoughts and when I did that and got back happy I knew I wasn’t gay. Then 2 months ago, my best friend committed suicide and all the thoughts started flooding back and since then I have not been able to escape them. I keep checking to see if I am physically stimulated by men and make myself stare at men to see if I’m into them which is just torturous. I’ve always said I can live with being gay if that’s the truth but really don’t think it is. I really like this girl now and I’m petrified I’m gonna turn out gay and let her down and as though I’m stringing her along. I’m afraid I won’t be able to have sex with her as I’ll only be into men. Apologies for the rant, once I started I couldn’t stop.

@sherlock97 I truly understand your pain. You are understood by people with the same problem, who have been through the same questioning and the same damn fear. You are not the only one. Reading the previous posts , what were you thinking about?

@sherlock97 your brother's therapist was not specialized in OCD, otherwise he wouldn't have suggested he watched gay porn to see if he liked it. Any sort of sexual activity, be it a story, a picture or porn has the ability to give us an erection and that doesn't mean anything about our sexuality. Did your brother have the same experience with you?

@tia776 I was thinking that I’m not the only one out there with this problem but I’m constantly trying to decide whether I’m “repressing my gayness” or whether it’s just ocd. @deputydean that’s what I’m trying to believe but my ocd seems to be trying to turn it around in my head, people have said to me to open up about my sexuality and when I try to do that the OCD consumes me and I’m left crippled, don’t know what is the correct course of action anymore. He suffered HOCD and was convinced he was gay and now has a happy relationship with a girl for the last 2 years. OCD keeps trying to convince me that I’m different and that I won’t turn out like that and that I’m gay, thinking things like there’s always one in the family and all this.

Yes like it just feels alien to think of me with a man that’s the thing. One thing OCD keeps convincing me of is that because I was attracted to gay porn I can’t like girls anymore and have to start liking men otherwise I’m being in denial and it’ll bite me on the ass in later life

So what if you watched gay porn? Do you know how many kids do that? Go on the nofap forums and read through some of the stories. Some of them are shocking! When it comes to sexual stuff and porn it has all to do with addiction, the shock and the rush, rather than your sexuality.

Deputy dean is right here. It’s why I would caution anyone straying too far from their hardwired sexuality. The dopamine circuit soon wants a fix, and while make you search anything to get it. Some guys even go so far to downloading nasty shit off the dark web knowing they are so far down the hole. Porn, as much as I like it, is the new drug. It’s cool in managed doses but we do have far too much, far too available and far too free! You get kids sexually assaulting younger kids now because they saw it in porn. I know that’s direct but again, I may love it, but it’s a massive fucking problem now.

Definitely don't download anything from the dark web. It's probably illegal and beyond disturbing. I advise not watching any porn whatsoever. Even the ones close to reality are far from it. Whatever happened to reading a Playboy or a Victoria's secret magazine like the good ol days?

@deputydean I agree once again, detox from porn is probably the best course of action.

Hi there. I’m really glad I found this thread because I’m going through the same thing. I’m not sure if it was a dream or real but it feels pretty real I think there’s just a sense of guilt there. But when I was younger not really sure how young, I think I remember role playing mums and dads with my friend who was the same sex as me (girl) and I was the dad and I think I remember sexually experimenting with her. I dunno if I actually remember being on top of her and doing weird stuff but I just remember like me closing the door and something weird happening and now it’s freaking me out like did I sexually abuse her etc when I know I didn’t and I just feel like my brains tricking me when I never cared about it before :( and in year 5 she said to me that she doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore cause her mum told her not to which I know is because my mum and her mum started to not get along but my brains like what if it’s because I sexually abused her etc ugh I’m just so sick of this