So it’s currently 2:42am and I think I’m finally losing my damn mind. I’m exhausted and all I want to do is sleep, but my stupid head has other plans 🤯 I really don’t understand any of this. I’m absolutely terrified because I feel like I’m becoming a monster. I feel disgusting, I cant stop crying. All I want is for this to go away and stay away. My head hurts, my heart hurts, my whole body hurts. I don’t know what to do anymore. I really don’t want to die but it feels like that’s the only option for me. I’m only 17 and I don’t want to waste my life on suicide. But I am so so so scared of the future. I can’t stop thinking “what if I start to like the thoughts and become the thing I hate most in this world”. The groinal responses are the worst. I need it to end. People on this app have been going through this for years and years, they are unbelievably strong. I’ve been going through this for about 6 months and I’m ready to give up. I can’t take it. I’d rather die than harm a child in any way. My whole soul has given up on me. I’m so scared

Can someone just read this? I'm starting to get really afraid this is true. This whole thing is terrible like hell. What scares me even more is I learned some tricks to decrease the thoughts and they have worked but the groinal response is still there and it's terrible. Last night I was watching TV despite the anxiety and tried not responding to the thoughts anxiety or the response. Leading up to the terrible response I was thinking of a attractive woman about 5 seconds before it happened. Then a close-up of a fellow male popped up on a commercial. A little blood went down there. Not enough to even change its size but it scared the shit out of me. Was it me thinking about that woman? Increased blood flow from Anxiety? I turned off the TV and my hands started shaking, shaking has been a recent product of this. The thought of being with a man especially sex is still revolting to me through the entirety of this. ( If I offended anyone I didn't mean too ). I've been in relationships with women and loved it, I have always enjoyed sex with women. But what's up with the groinal response bullshit? All I've ever wanted is a wife and kids and I feel it's being ripped from me. I really hope this is OCD. People here have gone over 15 years with this and I can't take five months? I can barely take this anymore. I want to be myself again. Is that too much to ask God?

Im so drained , I haven’t been diagnosed I’m too scared to go to a doctor and I did tell my mum I think I had ocd and she laughed at me with disbelief because Im not a clean freak . My last option is suicide if I’m being honest I’m only 17 and I’m already having these uncomfortable thoughts that make me cry for hours . I can’t go on social media I can’t speak to my family I can’t be around kids , animals without having a fear of getting turned on or feeling stuff or thinking stuff . The thoughts get so believable idk if there real or fake . It makes me extremely uncomfortable “what if I like this feeling “ I have to constantly check myself my body if a video comes up of a kid . What happens if I don’t even have ocd and I’m just a pedo . I’ve been through a lot of stuff but this has been the most draining , depressing period of my life . I can’t eat , I’m starting to think I’m depressed again . I can’t sleep , I don’t know myself anymore . I’m scared of myself , my future , what happens if Im becoming one , since I’m so young . I don’t want to be here anymore I don’t deserve it . I don’t deserve to have friends I don’t deserve anything but to rot in my room . I don’t believe I can get help I don’t believe I can get better . I just want to be normal I’m so jealous of people that just think normally .

It’s probably desensitization but I’m scared I’m getting worse and worse. My morals feel like they’ve been hijacked and I’m scared I’m turning into a bad person. Nothing really disgusts me enough anymore. I’m so tired. When all of this started, I was still able to do things normally even if it felt like I had a weight on my head but it got better. Until I had an intrusive thought about looking for CSEM which has just gotten worse because it’s like it’s turned into an urge. I’m worried at some point (sooner or later), I’m gonna end up doing it. Or I have the scary thought of what if I want to and I’ll regret NOT ever seeing it which is also gross. And I’ve heard about people running into it on social media somehow which then triggers this screwed up sense of morbid curiosity about how that would even end up on social media without being flagged/removed and the thought of “what if you went looking for it there” - I just want it to stop!!! I feel like I can’t even live life now because the thought/urge is there every single day and I can’t escape. Nothing brings me joy - I’m empty all of the time. I can’t make myself play a game or watch a show because I can’t focus and I feel almost nothing towards them. And even if I did feel happy, it wouldn’t last long before being ripped away again. I’m worried I have some sort of addiction to be having this thought every day of “look for it, do it, you have to know” - but I shouldn’t? I’ve cut back immensely on a lot of NSFW stuff and what little I do see (like in books) doesn’t seem to trigger me. This thought actually started happening after multiple accounts of hearing people being prosecuted for having that sort of material (people talk about exes or husbands of friends and whatnot having done that and you also hear about famous people sometimes - it’s everywhere and I’m so sick of hearing about it all of the time because I’m worried I’m gonna end up BEING one of those people). It will not go away even if I stop paying it any mind and I’m frightened all the time now. I feel disgusting and I’m afraid I’m a horrible person. I feel cursed and I just want everything to go back to normal. I want to be disgusted and opposed again and it just isn’t happening! 😞 even now I feel like an imposter posting here because it doesn’t seem like OCD anymore, I’m just gross and out of control like some freak. I feel like I’m gonna have to cut my life short to avoid it happening (but I’m also too scared to do that and I WANT to live but it just feels like I won’t be able to “help myself” which is no excuse but that’s how it feels). I’m not gonna do it at the moment (like I said, I’m too scared) but it feels like I deserve it and it’s the only outcome for me. It feels like too much to do anything because what if I snap?? What if I get too curious?? I’m just so done with all of this - I feel like I’m gonna explode. And no amount of people saying “I don’t think you’ll do it” would make me feel better. I just don’t know what to do - I can’t get therapy, I can’t tell anyone. I’m so alone and it feels like mental torture