So it’s currently 2:42am and I think I’m finally losing my damn mind. I’m exhausted and all I want to do is sleep, but my stupid head has other plans 🤯 I really don’t understand any of this. I’m absolutely terrified because I feel like I’m becoming a monster. I feel disgusting, I cant stop crying. All I want is for this to go away and stay away. My head hurts, my heart hurts, my whole body hurts. I don’t know what to do anymore. I really don’t want to die but it feels like that’s the only option for me. I’m only 17 and I don’t want to waste my life on suicide. But I am so so so scared of the future. I can’t stop thinking “what if I start to like the thoughts and become the thing I hate most in this world”. The groinal responses are the worst. I need it to end. People on this app have been going through this for years and years, they are unbelievably strong. I’ve been going through this for about 6 months and I’m ready to give up. I can’t take it. I’d rather die than harm a child in any way. My whole soul has given up on me. I’m so scared

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

It’s like my brain is doing everything in its power to convince myself and also justify an attraction to teenagers. I hate myself. I don’t want to be this person, but what if I don’t have a choice. How do I get these thoughts out of my head permanently. I feel like my life will never be the same if they don’t leave forever. I can’t tell what is a real desire and what OCD is trying to convince me is a real desire. I can’t do this every day for the rest of my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone, or I don’t think I do but how do I even tell anymore. This might not even be OCD at this point, I can’t separate my thoughts from OCD thoughts I think because I’ve had OCD for so long so it all just feels like me. Maybe it is me. TMI but I haven’t pleasured myself in like a week because my libido is so low now, I don’t want to do it with these thoughts.

I know I keep talking about This but I’m too tired :( I’m really struggling and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I might be the only person who experiences this in the way I do. It’s gotten so bad that during intimacy or self-pleasure, I feel like I’m acting on a thought — like my body is moving because of it. It’s terrifying and deeply hurtful. The moment it happens, I immediately panic, try to rewind everything in my head, and ruminate to figure out what I was thinking at that exact second… but I can never remember. That makes it even worse. feel so lost and hopeless, like I’ll never be able to heal or move on from this. People tell me “it’s just OCD,” but it doesn’t feel like OCD to me. It feels like I’m the exception — like no one else truly experiences it like this, especially the part where it feels like I physically responded to a thought. I know people say “others go through this too,” but my mind keeps saying, “not like this, not this specific thing.”Sometimes I just wish I could go back and relive those moments so I could be sure what happened, but I know that’s not possible. I feel so stuck in guilt and doubt that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m scared I’m a bad person and that I’ll always feel this way. I’ll never be free or be the same again everyday I live with deep depression