So it’s currently 2:42am and I think I’m finally losing my damn mind. I’m exhausted and all I want to do is sleep, but my stupid head has other plans 🤯 I really don’t understand any of this. I’m absolutely terrified because I feel like I’m becoming a monster. I feel disgusting, I cant stop crying. All I want is for this to go away and stay away. My head hurts, my heart hurts, my whole body hurts. I don’t know what to do anymore. I really don’t want to die but it feels like that’s the only option for me. I’m only 17 and I don’t want to waste my life on suicide. But I am so so so scared of the future. I can’t stop thinking “what if I start to like the thoughts and become the thing I hate most in this world”. The groinal responses are the worst. I need it to end. People on this app have been going through this for years and years, they are unbelievably strong. I’ve been going through this for about 6 months and I’m ready to give up. I can’t take it. I’d rather die than harm a child in any way. My whole soul has given up on me. I’m so scared

I’ve had OCD for over 25 years. I was around your age it turned into Pure-O. It started with just one thought about hurting someone, and that turned into 15 years of untreated and severe harm OCD. I had other themes during that time as well. I had all the same concerns and fears you have. “Am I going crazy?” “Am I going to snap and act on these thoughts?” “Am I a monster?” “Is my life over?” Here I am, 35 years old, and my life is better than it’s ever been. I’m so excited for the future, because I’ve got so much life to live and so much left to do. It can, and does, get better. The good news is a place like NOCD exists now. When this was happening to me, there wasn’t even a therapist in the state I lived who has experience with ERP. I can’t promise it will be easy. I can’t promise you won’t struggle. But I can promise you it isn’t over. Not by a lot.

"I'd rather die than harm a child" literally the furthest thing from a p*** that's possible. Real p*** don't worry about their attraction. They're encouraged to act on it. They even feel like they're enlightened because of it. You're acting the complete opposite of that.

Oh my dude I get the same thoughts. I dont know why I have groinal responses but apparently it’s because where compulsively testing if its true. But if you stop thinking and go to think about something else, it usually stops. I know exactly how you feel. My stomach churns from the thought and I was in the stage your in a few days ago. I’m alright now. You have to focus on something else. Read a book, watch a show, these things are going to have triggers sometimes, push through.

Do some erp. You can do this, you can handle the pain I know you can, you will get through this