not THAT OCD related, but i’m so tired of looking in the mirror and picking apart the things that i feel are wrong with myself. after my first session with my therapist, she said i also have body dysmorphic disorder, which is commonly seen in people who have OCD. i’m not a person who cries easily, but this problem i have within myself almost brings me to tears often and eats at me every single day. i cant enjoy simple things without being fixated on how i look/my appearance while doing them. if i’m swimming in the pool, i’m thinking about how my face looks with my hair wet and get uncomfortable when i feel like someone is looking at me for too long. i feel uncomfortable in rooms with certain lighting. i adjust the angle or position my body is at while interacting with other people just because i’m concerned with how they’re seeing me. just a rant, feeling really defeated.

this is probably kinda jumbled but over the past almost year or so i've slowly realized i have ocd (i'm diagnosed audhd but over time i started feeling like those alone didn't cover the whole issue yk?), and recently i've been kinda worried i guess. it’s just that i’m turning 21 in 6 months and i’m afraid that this disorder is going to rob me of joyful adult milestones in my life. honestly being 20 has sucked, i can’t even remember wtf being 18 was like, and my childhood in general wasn't the best either, but i've been struggling a lot as of late and i don't want how i feel now to be the same as how i feel next year. my meds have helped quiet my compulsions a significant amount (i literally felt like i was going kinda cray cray when i was off them 😭) but they’re not completely gone. sometimes it just seems like this is all it's ever gonna be forever and i’m always gonna feel ashamed of myself for just like… existing. my 21 year old self deserves to be happy but idk if i’ll be able to give that to her 🥲🥲🥲

I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it this far in my life. OCD has had its claws in me since I was 7. I used to lay in bed and tell myself over and over “it’ll be gone when I’m older, it’ll be better” but it just got worse with age. I’m 25 now and I’ve lost so many years to this. Or to pretending to be someone else in order to avoid it all. I can’t say or do one thing without analyzing it to death. Everything is black and white when it comes to me and my own morality. I overcompensate by allowing everyone else around me to be gray. I don’t allow myself that same grace. I try, everyday. Sometimes I sit and look back on my life and just wonder why. And how. I carry every mistake I’ve made with me from day to day. It rules me, it owns me, and it chips away at the person I could have been without ocd. I mourn myself.

Hi everyone! I just want to share that I’m having a really hard day, selfishly, to feel better. But some of you might relate to it. I’ve been obsessing about my looks and body image. I feel soo ugly, like almost deformed, “abnormal, ill” looking. Like I have never seen anyone that looked as ugly as me. And I spend hours checking myself and doing skincare and using face sculpting tools compulsively. I also feel VERY very alone partially due to this being isolating but also just being back at my (abusive) parents home for the summer. I feel very empty today like nothing makes me excited or matters. I feel like a disgusting, awkward, incapable, undeserving little creature. Like everybody else on this world is in a group chat,and im the only one left out lol. I went shopping today to feel something and ended up compulsively buying stuff and shocker, now im feeling 10x worse, more empty. But I am also stressed about the money and feel extremely guilty. I feel worthless. I guess i should just let me feel the emptiness and feelings that come up without trying to distract myself with something all the time. So yeah thats where I’m at today.