I’m going to be honest. I’m not ok. When I try to rationalize a thought it make me feel like I’m in denial. My groinals are weird.

I’m not really sure how i feel. I thought i had pocd with groinal responses but I literally can’t get the arousal to go away at all. Like all day I’ve been hyper aware of how my groin feels. It’s also like during all thoughts and conversations. I know I’m worried I’m a monster and it’s making me sick but i also feel like the constant state of arousal is actually NOT POCD related but just. Something else. Can anyone else relate? It’s really hard to not focus on it.

Lately I've been having a lot of groinal responses, don't want them to be there. Before any of this even happened to me, I don't think I ever had a groinal response looking at another man, it makes me convinced that I've always been gay. I don't wanna be gay. This morning I had a dream about a rapper, it wasn't sexual but for some reason I was hard? I have always been a fan of his music and that's it. Now that's fueling my thought process even more and convincing me that I'm gay and I've been in the closet for a while At the same time i keep crying looking at my ex cause i miss her so much. Another thing to note that whenever i see good looking men or men that are gay i get groinal responses, whereas before this I don't think any of this happened to me. Whenever i look at these men i have to actively take a few deep breath's to catch up my breath, i can feel my heart beating. And most of the times I'm not even thinking anything sexual when ilook at these men it's weird. None of this brings me happiness at all. At this point I'm scared of my own groin cause i don't know what to expect or what's gonna happen. My brain keeps going you're in denial I've always been into women, as far as i can remember, I've lost complete attraction to them especially after my break up and getting depressed and having anxiety. And i keep thinking find a man attractive and if i get a groinal response, " wanna have sex with him" where as before any of this happened to me, these thoughts never even came to my mind, my 22 years of life feels like a complete lie and i hate myself, I've lost all motivation to do Normal things, i feel sleepy, i don't feel confident, loss of attraction, loss of libido, loss of will power, my thoughts keep morphing from " you might be gay" to "you are gay" to "you're bi" to "you're gay" to " you're in the closest" to "how are you gonna come out?". None of these thoughts make me happy, it makes me more confused and scared and kinda uncomfortable, and weirded out too. Another thing i did was since December till March i watched gay porn and barely got aroused and didn't really find it all that hot.? But my brain ignores that i understand now that it was a compulsive thing that's why i stopped but now i get so many groinals it's so weird Can someone tell me what's going on with me? Please please please someone take the time out of their day to read this and respond, thank you! 😩😩😩

Yesterday morning was such a great day I wasn’t having as many intrusive thoughts and for once I felt normal I legit almost wanted to cry and thanked god because for once it all fault clear and as the day progressed I was feeling awful and uncertain. Now I’m stressed that I don’t feel anything because of my intrusive thoughts but my body is still reacting (groinal response) I’m stressed out that I’ve probably convinced myself I’m an actual p***. I’m 100% convinced I’ll do something bad if left alone with a kid and I’m stressing out. How do I know I’m not a p*** in denial??? I know I don’t want to do these things but it feels like I do. Why don’t I feel anything anymore? Has the anxiety become so overwhelming that my emotions have completely shut down? I feel like a person who has no emotions which isn’t like me. This doesn’t feel real.