I can't stop comparing myself to others and wishing for things I don't have. I don't recall this ever being a serious problem for me. Where is this coming from? On one hand I know it's going to make me miserable, but on the other hand I feel like I'd be lying to myself by pretending or ignoring the fact that I want more. I try writing in a gratitude journal, but can't help but thinking other people have better things to write.

So... nothing is really wrong in my life. I have a job, my own place, friends and family who love me. I have resources to support me. And in spite of all of this that I have been blessed with, I am unhappy, depressed, and have much fear. And sometimes, the smoke clears and I’m sitting here feeling horribly selfish. Has anyone felt this or maybe know why it’s this way? Part of me (probably the OCD) likes to be miserable. I cut for no reason sometimes... I just don’t know.

Whenever I laugh or try and live in the moment my mind flashes back to the past or things bothering me and reminds me that I shouldn’t be happy because of x y z. It’s really so depressing. I am 26 and I feel triple my age from stress. Even though I want to relax I dread going home at the end of the day because I’m afraid of what else I’ll remember or what new obsession I’ll have. I keep comparing myself to others saying no one would do what I have done everyone is better than me.

lately i’ve been comparing myself a lot to my friend and i find myself always falling short. i’m now at the point where i literally can’t think of one good quality in myself. she’s just really amazing? like good at everything kinda person. she’s one of the smartest girls, she’s funny, she’s confident, she’s a good friend etc. she has a solid family, a big house and good opportunities. beyond that she’s also quite mature / serious (when need be) and so she’s always taken seriously for her struggles. like she’s not the kind of person who would ever exaggerate or be showing it off for attention. i’ve always struggled with my self esteem but i still thought i was smart and stuff. it’s just, when i compare myself to her, i have no defining quality. like i’m just a watered down version. there’s nothing that makes me ‘me’. the only positive is probably my people pleasing tendencies (where i can see people’s needs well) and i guess my care for people but it’s not that she lacks those. she just doesn’t have to people please. and with my struggles too, i always worry she thinks i’m being dramatic. or over exaggerating, so i don’t even wanna confide in her anymore. and also, with this is particular, i can’t confide in her. all in all i’m just feeling so poor about myself. like i’m not good enough and never will be when she’s so great. i wish i had something about me that could make me feel special but there isn’t anything. all of this has been making me cry a lot lately. like i don’t wanna be myself anymore.