when I see some videos of like a dog biting someone I feel like I get this urge to see more and i I that I actually like seeing people hurt. ugh

I don’t know why but today I feel so incredibly angry right now and I was so frustrated with everything including my two dogs. I didn’t hurt them or hit them or anything but I was particularly annoyed and angry when they were trying to get presumably a bunny or a raccoon from underneath the shed, so I had to pull my small dog away when he wouldn’t budge away from the shed and i couldn’t pick him up because I was not close enough. I feel bad because I know I love my dogs but oh my god I just get so annoyed with them and on top of them everything else I have to just shut down all day and the things I don’t understand. I feel like I’m going insane. I don’t want my dogs to think I don’t love them because i was angry and annoyed at them. I know they’re just animals and they love me and I love them. I want them to know I’m sorry for even getting mad. I wish I didn’t feel so angry and yet so disconnected at the same time. I’m terrified I’m an evil person or that I don’t love my pets or something. I started to hit myself and punch myself because I do that when I get over the edge angry. I don’t know why I feel angry. It’s a mix of anger and emptiness and I don’t want either of them especially towards my dogs.

TW warning: ZOCD, real events, and animal neglect. I feel like if I'm nice to animals or think about having a pet in the future I'm being a hypocrite, one of the things i saw at 10-12 years old because of my porn addiction and exposure were horrible videos involving animals, and i had a kitten at 9 years old, i didn't know the responsibility of having a pet, yet i loved my cat very much and when we couldn't take it to the vet because we didn't have money, it came back with wounds, bleeding, i cried a lot and i regretted so much having been so inconsiderate and dumb to ask for a cat when we didn't have money or the appropiate place to keep it safe. My parents refused to take him to the vet or a shelter, and one day it ran away from home and never came back. I feel like i'll never be able to interact normally or have a pet without being a hypocrite. I'm horrible

I love horror movies and would watch them random sometimes even Terrifier cause art is my new favorite character. I just felt like I was a bad person for this⁉️ I don’t support his actions but I like his goofy faces he makes. I can’t enjoy anything no more Literally me rn in life