Anxiety and Not wanting to feel feelings Since I started ERP and resisting rumination and rituals and controlling things I’ve noticed I have extra mental real estate. I’m not as consumed by my thoughts but my baseline anxiety is like 6/10 always. It’s pretty high. My brain keeps checking in and saying “you shouldn’t feel this way! This isn’t right! Google depersonalization! Google spacing out and brain fog!” But I know that’s OCDs game. So I just sit with the anxiety and try to move on with my day. Interestingly, once I strip away all of the rumination, compulsions and rituals all I’m left with is my own uncomfortable feelings that I don’t like. This leads me to conclude that ocd is just a way for me to try and control how I feel. I always wanna feel good and relaxed. Everyone does but that’s an unrealistic goal. Has anyone else come across this before?

Sounds identical! I have that too. I actually get frightened that my thoughts don’t provoke rumination lately. Seems to be all about that eureka moment. “When I figure this out or get there then I’ll be happy”.

I mean the idea comes from Mark Freemans you are not a rock book and not wanting to feel feelings. I am just noticing that my OCD is just one way of trying to control or escape those feelings. It’s interesting though because as my typical ruminations aren’t consuming as much mental energy I’m now just faced with me and nothing else. And I don’t like it! It’s just me and plain old anxiety and fear.

Well i know exactly what you’re saying. I’m constantly going back to my “blue sky” of what I was before this but I think what is very interesting is that our OCD is trying to get us to feel better but it’s like a Chinese finger trap. The more we try, the more we struggle trying to get rid of it, the more we push for that EUREKA moment, the more we get caught in sadness, anxiety, and fear because we expect to feel something else and that is where it is dangerous, like throwing gasoline on a fire.

100%! I’ve only done a week of ERP and I’m already beating myself up and getting defeated cause I keep getting tricked into worrying about something new and being spurred to solve a problem and find that eureka moment

I can’t recall the book. I think it’s the happiness trap but it basically says looking for the solution is the problem.

I may add it to the reading list. I need to find something to get out of this rumination loop that’s just so debilitating.

Interesting take. I just wrote about an hour ago how much I was struggling with the fact that I can’t find a coping technique to keep me happy, like a EUREKA moment. Like there are times that I am constantly thinking about my thoughts but I get no anxiety and that freaks me out. Maybe that’s my OCD trying to make me feel like I can control my emotions instead of just letting them ride. What do you think? It’s kind of similar.

I have said that literal sentence before. It’s a very interesting take. I have to hand it to you. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to hold on to that awareness, well because, that’s my life haha but I hope you take it and it helps you.

Omg I am going through this!!

It kind of makes sense doesn’t it? No matter what we do, our OCD makes it easy to find something else to worry about? Whether we’re not getting anxious anymore, which causes us to get worried, or we find something else to worry about like for me, I’m worried of what lasting effects this is going to have on me. We’re trying to find happiness and eureka moments and when we don’t, we get worried about that. Does this make sense?

Totally Like because we think oh this isn’t normal to feel this way we search to feel better like some form of perfect way of thinking is what’s normal but in reality nobody is perfect

Problem is i think I’ve always thought being an adult meant you had it all sorted not reality at all!

Check this article: http://www.ocdspecialists.com/stacey-kuhl-wochner-lcsw-on-the-solving-ritual-in-ocd/

yes!! sometimes i get so caught up wondering if it’s my ocd if it’s it’s a normal thought, or wonder what i would be thinking like rn if i didn’t have ocd

I’ve been meditating for like 6 months now and I just started a new session that kind of hit home especially with this article. It might not be about finding a eureka moment or that constant feeling of smiling and happy go lucky feeling like Buddy the Elf, but more of feeling of content and satisfied. If we keep trying to find that Buddy the Elf feeling, all we are doing is fueling our OCD, trying to find that feeling because we are prone to worry to try and find it.