So... I didn’t quit my babysitting job. I have three weeks to get my shit together before I spend a whole 18 days with these kids.

Hey horchata_, how long did you take the meds? What seems not very known around here and most psychiatrists don‘t know or admit either is, that there is a physical dependency with all psychoactive drugs that change the brain. So withdrawl should be slow and careful. There are lot‘s of forums and groups out there about that. So your anxiety and more thoughts coming back can also be withdrawl, or at least it adds to the original problem

Getting in to see a psychiatrist is a nightmare; It’s lots of phone calls and lots of waiting. TRIGGER WARNING: suicide mention I was honestly fine with until like November of last year when my meds began to have nasty side effects. The dude that prescribed Effexor XR 150mg to me was a very gentle doctor and when I complained about the side effects, he said calmly, isn’t it worth it to not have these thoughts? That put it all into perspective. And for years I’ve been dealing with the insomnia, the vivid dreams, the morning nausea and low appetite, the inability to orgasm the times I did want to orgasm...and then last November, when I was used to it all, and able to ignore my thoughts because I wasn’t feeling any more anxiety towards them, I began having thoughts about how this is never going to end unless I die... then I went and looked up my medication again to check on side effects again (obsessive lol) I started finding articles about how long term use has been linked to anorexia and suicidal ideation. And I was like shit well no wonder I’m not eating and thinking about suicide and shit. So I stopped taking them. I weaned myself off of them and then I eventually stopped taking them and all was good and I was eating again and not feeling suicidal anymore, but then the anxiety came back and with it even more thoughts. So where I’m at is, I need new meds and fast. Also I still have my meds and am considering starting to take them again to make handling this job easier BUT I should probably consult a psychiatrist and I can’t get in to see one in the next few weeks

Probably just gonna focus on my hobbies and meditate or some shit and hope that’s enough lol

Are you seeing an OCD specialist? If it’s possible for you, that would be super helpful. It is a process I know. But I was told by an OCD specialist that CBT and exposure therapy is most effective. Not to say you shouldn’t be on meds ( because that helps a ton too) but the therapy will help you long term because you’ll learn skills to be able to manage the thoughts.