So I've always had an issue about my partners watching porn. I've always felt super uncomfortable with it and just now realized that maybe it has to do with rocd... but then I fight myself on it because I feel like maybe it's just something that I strongly believe in. My current boyfriend thinks I'm crazy for not letting him watch porn. I then caught him watching porn once after he said he wouldn't and I freaked out. I felt really insecure. He said that he would stop doing it but I obsess over it and I check his phone when he's not looking. I also obsess over if he is talking to other girls. And then when I don't find anything, i tell myself that he has just gotten better at hiding stuff.

Ugh I'm sorry that you have to go through that. Thank you for sharing with me

This really helped me to put things into perspective. Thanks so much for this.

Holy shit exactly! Ugh. It's so hard. I even get uncomfortable if someone is naked on TV or in revealing clothes. Or going to the beach, ect. I get such a bad attitude about it on the spot and I react poorly. I don't want to feel that way at all but I feel like I don't have control over how I feel. I've tried to catch myself reacting to things like that. We went to a water park and I couldn't even enjoy myself, I was comparing myself to other girls and I kept watching his eyes to see if he was looking at other peoples bodies. I used to watch porn as well and I know that it doesn't mean that I want those people or want to cheat, but I can't help but have intrusive thoughts that my boyfriend doesn't want me but wants them or he isn't happy with our sex... It makes me feel better that someone can relate because I feel batshit crazy. 😖 thank you for sharing

@nochristina No joke if I didn’t know better I’d think I was typing your messages myself. I couldn’t relate anymore. It’s insanely spot on to my situation. I get so uncomfortable and weird. I hold it against him and I convince myself whatever it was he saw was something he likes more than me. It’s so upsetting. I feel like I have to monitor what he’s doing. I hate checking his phone or feeling the stress of looking for what else he could possibly be looking at. I hate the feeling. I hate convincing myself he’s not happy with my body or our sex life. I have lately been trying to not be so quick to annoyance or insecurity when I see the nudity on tv shows or focus on his eyes.. I also haven’t been going through his phone. It feels like torture to my brain, but I do think it is slowly helping me come to terms that it doesn’t mean he wants to cheat. I also have been trying to journal my emotions and thoughts immediately when something happens that I think will spark insecurities or us fighting.. I try to write all my thoughts out instead! I still have so so SO much progress to make but I’m trying daily.

@jazzmyn_Murphy Oh my gosh this is so insane. I haven't met anyone that can relate to this extent. I get so mad at him or get really hateful toward any other girl just being themselves or flaunting their shit and then I say the most toxic shit. And I hate saying things like that but it's like I have such an urge to say it and have to get it out. I literally think of something to say just to look at him to see where he's looking if I see someone attractive somewhere in public or to distract him. I feel insecure when he's out with friends because I think that he's going to find someone better than me and I end up having a meltdown. I will carry a normal conversation but always pay attention to where his phone is so I am able to get onto it when he's away from it. And 95% of the time, I don't find anything on his phone. But then I focus on the 5% of the time when I have found shit that made me uncomfortable. I'm confident that this is my ocd trying to mess up the things the I love, and it helps me to put it into perspective that way. I have to remind myself of situations that really made me feel like he loves me and is attracted to me. He has never said anything that should actually make me feel like he isn't attracted to me but my ocd wants to convince me that he's lying. And if he ever really wanted someone else, then he would go get them. So there is a reason why our dudes are with us and we need to remember that, although ocd wants to convince us otherwise. Journaling has helped me in the past, I'm glad you said that- I'm going to journal tonight. Fuck it feels SO GOOD TO SAY THIS. I have never explained this in this much detail to someone because I am so ashamed. We will get through this girl.

@nochristina It’s so crazy how exactly spot on everything you’re saying is. I couldn’t possibly relate more to it. The way you respond is how I respond too. I wish I didn’t but I do. For instance, lastnight we watched a show that we recently started and it is constantly showing women topless, it’s driving me crazy biting my tongue and trying to push through and watch the show. Cause ultimately I know it’s a show and we’re adults, I don’t want to watch children’s shows, lol but the thought he’s possibly more attracted to the other women naked is so upsettting to me. I also have urges to go through his phone; and only a few times I’ve found something upsetting. We have communicated a lot about being more open and honest with eachother… it’s just hard cause he swears he doesn’t want anyone else even if he looks at stuff but I for whatever reason cannot separate those thoughts. I definitely feel it’s my OCD trying to manipulate my thoughts. I try my best to push through the feelings but even if I don’t confront him, I can feel a switch in my energy towards him or even my mood in general. I try to remind myself he is faithful and we are adults. He is a good man, and I am worthy. I try to remind myself although I am 4 months PP, he is attracted to me and I will get back to a body I feel more comfortable in, but even at my fittest if im honest I still felt insecure. I hate that. I want so badly to be a fun wife, and a trusting one. I want to move past this and grow closer with him again. I don’t want my paranoia of him possibly being able to find someone else out there attractive or anything make me feel that he will go find someone else. Creating a boundary in my head is the hardest part. But I think it’s positive we acknowledge this all & are trying to make efforts to improve these thoughts. Thank you for sharing with me. I feel alot of relief to hear someone else say they can relate SO much! I was just journaling about it all this morning. I wish I knew of better ways to avoid the seeking of reassurance from him, cause often that will send me into a spiral too.

No, absolutely.. I have loved talking with you cause is just all resonates so deep with me. It’s the exact way for me and I’ve gone to the extent of looking up movies to avoid awkwardness too! Lol I hate it, but I def think we can keep at it & make progress. I am new to the app also, I was diagnosed at a young age and I saw a therapist when I was younger but I haven’t in adulthood. I need to! I was hoping to see what I could benefit from the app & also find someone to talk to. Cause I agree, it’s so hard to explain it to my husband, so having people who can relate or understand helps. Thanks for talking with me. & yeah, I’d be fine with us adding eachother on Instagram. I’ll see if I can PM you, hold on.

I don’t see a way to PM you, but it’s @jazzmyn_reign

This all resonates with me too, I’m sorry you experience this also! I don’t have Snapchat, I’m sorry. ☹️