- Username
- Anon1298
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I totally understand you. I’ve never wanted to be with a woman but I have intrusive thoughts constantly about “what if I do want to and just don’t let myself feel it” or “would I be happier if I just let myself be gay”. But I know that’s not who I am. I have so many magical thoughts and hallucinations about reading the words “gay” or other words that trigger me. I have a boyfriend as well and sometimes when we are intimate I have intrusive thoughts about “would I like this better if I was doing this with a girl” and it’s so incredibly upsetting. My boyfriend is the most amazing man and I have been able to open up about my OCD even my HOCD.. it’s so hard but he knows it’s not me. It’s so hard not to give into compulsions, reassurances, checking. I can’t tell you how to make it better bc I don’t know. But i didn’t even know about all these forms of OCD until a year or so ago and just knowing there’s a reason for all these thoughts has helped so much.
Do you ever get a surge of anxiety, when words... like. Gay, Queer, Homosexual... etc are mentioned?
Are you me? Haha. But in all seriousness this does sound like hocd/rocd. I've been feeling the same way. I have watched same sex porn before but I've never wanted to do it irl bc ik straight women will also watch lesbian porn bc it focuses on the female pleasure. So in my opinion porn really doesn't have an indicator on your sexuality. I can also agree with you - I've never looked at a women and developed a crush on her, it was more like admiring and wishing I look like her. So yeah you're not alone. A lot of women relate to this, especially if they been single their whole life and never had a bf. Now ik this shouldn't be reassurance but I have a cousin who didn't really have her first bf in her late 20s bc she didn't really care for romance she wanted to focus on herself and her career in her 20s. It's totally normal to be single and have a bf later in life. I think ppl just have stereotypes and love slapping labels onto ppl. But I hope this doesn't really count as reassurance. I'm just sharing how we relate.
What you said, resonates with me... wow.
Thanks so much. It's just good to know that there are others that feel the same. It was a sense of relief but I know have to work on not looking for that reassurance all the time. I definitely relate to what you said about your cousin, I definitely feel like I'm more school/career focused, but feel like the odd one out when chatting with my friends because I feel like I don't relate to their desire for having a boyfriend. And then I create a trigger for myself be comparison. Thanks everyone:)
And just to further comment, like i know there's nothing to be afraid of and nothing wrong if I were not to be straight. Like my brother is gay and he's my best friend and I have zero problem with it. But it's like this fear of living my false self and this guilt that I had watched something "taboo" and made myself feel bad about for years that manifested into this thought that because I watched that video people will assume that you liked and think of me less. But again I don't think I've ever felt the desire to pursue a same sex relationship or ever had a crush on the same sex. So I just don't understand how these thought should power and make me feel like I'm lying or not being myself. And I definitely have avoided tv shows and movies because of scenes that trigger me because right think I'm afraid if I watch them again I'll like them or something and that means I'm not who I thought I was.
Hello! Don’t have much to say but you are not alone in this!
I can definitely relate to a lot of what you’ve said here. I don’t have much to offer in terms of advice, but you are 100% not alone.
I’m new to this app and just wanted to share my story. As a young girl I definitely had compulsions. My mom always told me she would take me to a psychiatrist (I would cry when people sat on my bed). Anyways, as I got older I definitely grew out of a lot of things. I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD but I have GAD. I know I definitely have OCD because I have done a lot of research. Recently I have really, really been struggling with HOCD. I’ve never experienced this before, and that’s why it’s making it more scary. I’m a young adult woman and have been in a very serious relationship with a male for many years. I love him so much. I am also very athletic and not very girly. I always loved the fact that I was a guys gal, but lately it has made me super insecure. A lot of people at school assume I’m bisexual because I’m super pro LGBTQ rights and idk? Idk why I give off that “vibe”. It never bothered me, I always thought it was funny, and I have no issue with being gay, but I’m definitely not?! During this quarantine my guy friends have said I have way way more guy friends than girl friends, someone asked my teammate if I was bisexual, and I have never had an orgasm from my boyfriend. It started really getting in my head and I keep being like “am I gay and that’s why I don’t orgasm”. This seems so pathetic and writing this actually helps and makes me realize there is no way I like women. But anyways THE THOUGHTS DO NOT STOP. I keep worrying that I do not know myself, and maybe I don’t love my bf, and maybe other people see something I don’t. Anyways, how can I help myself? I am noticing I’m reassuring and checking and starting compulsions
Hi guys, Straight female here. Having a tough night. I guess I'm ruminating on how this OCD started, I was browsing an app and came across half naked anime girls and I guess sexual images in general arouse me (I'm not sure why), but then I froze and told myself "oh my God, I must be a lesbian and I can't be with my boyfriend anymore." Ever since then, I've been checking and checking and checking some more. I've managed to not research anything (which I'm proud of), but it's just so unbearable, I'm worried I'm somehow in denial or something because the thoughts at first didn't really give me much anxiety but now I'm very stressed out. I keep thinking about my past and if I was a normal "straight" person, and wondering if I'm somehow actually a lesbian. I keep having awful dreams about it. Ironically, I can still be intimate with my boyfriend and somewhat enjoy sex but other times not so much and my brain tells me I am lying to myself. I keep trying to reassure myself that I'm not homosexual. I can't even fall asleep tonight. I checked my stress levels on my health app and its through the roof. I just want to feel like I used to and be confident about my identity, but my brain tells me that I only enjoyed sex with my boyfriend back then because it was new and exciting and just a fling. Before all this, I was only ever attracted to men and only had male crushes. Now, I find it hard to even understand what's going on and I find more comfort in wondering if I'm just asexual so that I don't have to deal with it. I'm physically shaking writing about this because I feel so hopeless. Just a few hours ago, I thought I had a breakthrough and I was feeling alright. I accepted the thoughts as they were and I was going along with it. But now it's triggered again because I'm not sure if they're intrusive thoughts or me being in denial, because I keep having to reassure myself that I'm not homosexual and that I'm attracted to men. The guilt of how it all started is keeping me from moving on because it is somehow proof that I am not straight. This is awful. It feels good to write it out. Thanks for reading.
I need someone's thoughts on this I've been starting to question everything and all the things I've done, I've never liked any girls despite being in a girls class for years, but because if hocd I've starting to think about things I've done or thought that are not normal for a straight person, when I was little I used to enjoy watching videos of people making out and I kind of felt aroused when the guy touched some parts of the girl, sometimes i stumbled upon some videos of girls kissing and I remember I felt aroused by that too,then I stopped but growing up I tried to watch porn despite the fact that I'm rarely horny and straight porn just didn't do it for me, then I stumbled in lesbian porn and I actually enjoyed it and would get around by it,but I never questioned my sexuality because I knew that it was quite common for straight girls to watch lesbian porn but the thing is that sometimes I've wanted to do the same things that girls did in those videos,not essentially making sex with them or being touched by them but touch certain parts of some girls(not a lot just the ones I found extremely attractive)and this thought aroused me. Since hocd hit I've been rethinking everything and this thing in particular has stuck with me. Idk really I feel so hopeless because I mean for someone it could not be a big deal being not straight but for me it literally is because my entire identity would be destroyed and I would not be able to play those kind of games cause I would not enjoy them or I won't be able to watch any straight romance movie anymore or I could not fangirl with my friends about some hot singers or actors or even fictional characters and my dream since I was a child of being married with a man and having a beautiful family with children would be destroyed. So right now I would like someone's thoughts on this,like I don't want reassurance I just want to know what someone thinks about this,like do you think I'm not straight in reality?
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