Hi all, I'm new here and I guess self diagnosed or unsure of if I have HOCD. So I'd just like to get my story out there and just see if it's relatable at all or if I'm just denying my feelings, if anyone can respond..(sorry for a long one) It's been causing me a lot of stress lately and it can't shake the constant loop of thoughts like "Am I a lesbian", "you're not boy crazy so you must not be attracted to men", " you fit these stereotypes so that must mean you are". It all started when I was young like 13/14 when I had watched lesbian porn online accidentally at first and then I had watched a few more because it was the first time I had watched porn at all, let alone same sex porn. So I guess I was curious at the time and like you read "sexual things can cause a sexual response". So I was fine with what I watched but then like a few years later it was like, you watched that video and had a sexual response that must mean you liked it and want to be in that type of relationship. And that really stuck in my head. I began thinking about how I've never had a boyfriend and never felt like my friends when they would be drooling over boys, but I just assumed that having a boyfriends was something I'd get when I was older and like ready. Like I did have crushes, but also had low self esteem and just assumed that no guy would ever like me. Additionally I don't think I've ever looked at another girl and felt attracted to them or the need to be with them. But then reading things online caused me to doubt that. Anyways the thoughts come and go and sometimes I'm able to tune them out for months or years, but recently I have been really stressed about them. I currently have a boyfriend and I enjoy spending time and being with him. But these thoughts have been causing a lot of anxiety with respect to my relationship because then I think am I just dating him to his my feelings,I'm just stringing him along and using him. But I know that I don't want to break up. I find that I am searching stuff online a lot to try and find an answer, and then reading all those things makes me compare myself. Like the stereotypes and things I put to myself like oh I like playing sports that's a masculine thing, and how I dress and I don't find myself pretty or dainty so that must mean I'm not girly. It's a thought overload and making me so anxious because I feel like I don't know myself anymore and that I fear I've been lying to everyone if I figure out that I'm not straight. and like even if I thought I was bisexual that would be okay because that doesn't completely eliminate dating men, and I could still only date men. But being completely on the other end of the spectrum would feel like I'd have to completely shift my thoughts to fit and make these looped thoughts go away. I guess all I want to know is if this is normal or if it's ocd at all, am I just lying to myself or trying to hide my true self because I'm afraid of the consequence?? And I know that reassurance seeking which I shouldn't do hahah but this is my first time seeking ocd help and I may not get a therapist soon because of where I live.

And just to further comment, like i know there's nothing to be afraid of and nothing wrong if I were not to be straight. Like my brother is gay and he's my best friend and I have zero problem with it. But it's like this fear of living my false self and this guilt that I had watched something "taboo" and made myself feel bad about for years that manifested into this thought that because I watched that video people will assume that you liked and think of me less. But again I don't think I've ever felt the desire to pursue a same sex relationship or ever had a crush on the same sex. So I just don't understand how these thought should power and make me feel like I'm lying or not being myself. And I definitely have avoided tv shows and movies because of scenes that trigger me because right think I'm afraid if I watch them again I'll like them or something and that means I'm not who I thought I was.

I can definitely relate to a lot of what you’ve said here. I don’t have much to offer in terms of advice, but you are 100% not alone.

Are you me? Haha. But in all seriousness this does sound like hocd/rocd. I've been feeling the same way. I have watched same sex porn before but I've never wanted to do it irl bc ik straight women will also watch lesbian porn bc it focuses on the female pleasure. So in my opinion porn really doesn't have an indicator on your sexuality. I can also agree with you - I've never looked at a women and developed a crush on her, it was more like admiring and wishing I look like her. So yeah you're not alone. A lot of women relate to this, especially if they been single their whole life and never had a bf. Now ik this shouldn't be reassurance but I have a cousin who didn't really have her first bf in her late 20s bc she didn't really care for romance she wanted to focus on herself and her career in her 20s. It's totally normal to be single and have a bf later in life. I think ppl just have stereotypes and love slapping labels onto ppl. But I hope this doesn't really count as reassurance. I'm just sharing how we relate.

What you said, resonates with me... wow.

Thanks so much. It's just good to know that there are others that feel the same. It was a sense of relief but I know have to work on not looking for that reassurance all the time. I definitely relate to what you said about your cousin, I definitely feel like I'm more school/career focused, but feel like the odd one out when chatting with my friends because I feel like I don't relate to their desire for having a boyfriend. And then I create a trigger for myself be comparison. Thanks everyone:)

Hello! Don’t have much to say but you are not alone in this!

I totally understand you. I’ve never wanted to be with a woman but I have intrusive thoughts constantly about “what if I do want to and just don’t let myself feel it” or “would I be happier if I just let myself be gay”. But I know that’s not who I am. I have so many magical thoughts and hallucinations about reading the words “gay” or other words that trigger me. I have a boyfriend as well and sometimes when we are intimate I have intrusive thoughts about “would I like this better if I was doing this with a girl” and it’s so incredibly upsetting. My boyfriend is the most amazing man and I have been able to open up about my OCD even my HOCD.. it’s so hard but he knows it’s not me. It’s so hard not to give into compulsions, reassurances, checking. I can’t tell you how to make it better bc I don’t know. But i didn’t even know about all these forms of OCD until a year or so ago and just knowing there’s a reason for all these thoughts has helped so much.