- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
I totally understand you. I’ve never wanted to be with a woman but I have intrusive thoughts constantly about “what if I do want to and just don’t let myself feel it” or “would I be happier if I just let myself be gay”. But I know that’s not who I am. I have so many magical thoughts and hallucinations about reading the words “gay” or other words that trigger me. I have a boyfriend as well and sometimes when we are intimate I have intrusive thoughts about “would I like this better if I was doing this with a girl” and it’s so incredibly upsetting. My boyfriend is the most amazing man and I have been able to open up about my OCD even my HOCD.. it’s so hard but he knows it’s not me. It’s so hard not to give into compulsions, reassurances, checking. I can’t tell you how to make it better bc I don’t know. But i didn’t even know about all these forms of OCD until a year or so ago and just knowing there’s a reason for all these thoughts has helped so much.
- Date posted
- 3y
Do you ever get a surge of anxiety, when words... like. Gay, Queer, Homosexual... etc are mentioned?
- Date posted
- 3y
Are you me? Haha. But in all seriousness this does sound like hocd/rocd. I've been feeling the same way. I have watched same sex porn before but I've never wanted to do it irl bc ik straight women will also watch lesbian porn bc it focuses on the female pleasure. So in my opinion porn really doesn't have an indicator on your sexuality. I can also agree with you - I've never looked at a women and developed a crush on her, it was more like admiring and wishing I look like her. So yeah you're not alone. A lot of women relate to this, especially if they been single their whole life and never had a bf. Now ik this shouldn't be reassurance but I have a cousin who didn't really have her first bf in her late 20s bc she didn't really care for romance she wanted to focus on herself and her career in her 20s. It's totally normal to be single and have a bf later in life. I think ppl just have stereotypes and love slapping labels onto ppl. But I hope this doesn't really count as reassurance. I'm just sharing how we relate.
- Date posted
- 3y
What you said, resonates with me... wow.
- Date posted
- 3y
Thanks so much. It's just good to know that there are others that feel the same. It was a sense of relief but I know have to work on not looking for that reassurance all the time. I definitely relate to what you said about your cousin, I definitely feel like I'm more school/career focused, but feel like the odd one out when chatting with my friends because I feel like I don't relate to their desire for having a boyfriend. And then I create a trigger for myself be comparison. Thanks everyone:)
- Date posted
- 3y
And just to further comment, like i know there's nothing to be afraid of and nothing wrong if I were not to be straight. Like my brother is gay and he's my best friend and I have zero problem with it. But it's like this fear of living my false self and this guilt that I had watched something "taboo" and made myself feel bad about for years that manifested into this thought that because I watched that video people will assume that you liked and think of me less. But again I don't think I've ever felt the desire to pursue a same sex relationship or ever had a crush on the same sex. So I just don't understand how these thought should power and make me feel like I'm lying or not being myself. And I definitely have avoided tv shows and movies because of scenes that trigger me because right think I'm afraid if I watch them again I'll like them or something and that means I'm not who I thought I was.
- Date posted
- 3y
Hello! Don’t have much to say but you are not alone in this!
- Date posted
- 3y
I can definitely relate to a lot of what you’ve said here. I don’t have much to offer in terms of advice, but you are 100% not alone.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 19w
Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?
- Date posted
- 18w
Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please
- Date posted
- 12w
I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?
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