- Date posted
- 3y
- User type
- NOCD Alumni
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi Saraa, sorry to hear his asking if you want a break is flaring up your ROCD. Try to remember that no amount of worrying is going to change the future and playing what if games all day about staying or taking a break will never give an answer to your OCD that will satisfy as you know. Understood that he has been there since the start of your ROCD recovery, but since he knows about your ROCD, that is all the more reason why he should not be doing things that he knows would feed into your ROCD and doubt. Saying his flirting is just his personality is a cop-out on his part, especially since he knows how it makes you feel and your ROCD. I’ve been fed that line before, and given I also have some ROCD, I can definitely relate to how you feel. Back to your ROCD, try not to fall into the what if rabbit hole and try to tell yourself that no matter what happens with you two, you will be ok, and you deserve to be happy, truly happy and not just happy some part of the time, be it with him or someone else. Whatever you decide to do, best wishes and stay strong against your OCD as well as in trying to make as happy of a life as possible for you, because we only get one shot. Take care.
- Date posted
- 3y
In no way do you have to feel obligated to my advice but I think that if I were in your shoes I would have another conversation with it about him and express that it makes you extremely uncomfortable and that it hurts your feelings when he flirts with other girls I feel like there is a line that should not be crossed and his attention should be on you. You deserve quality time and it is important that you are honest and tell him your feelings and maybe depending on his answer I would see what choice you would like to take on taking a pause. You deserve to feel loved and confident in your relationship I hope I could be some help to you
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi!! This comment helped me soooo much❤❤ thank you! I had a deep conversation with him (ended like at 3 am) where I told him everything (and cried a lot too). We spoke about our definitions of love etc. And I hope he understood the problem! He told that we could find a compromise, so I hope something change in the future!! You are right, I should put a line. (It's okay obviously talking to other girls, cheering for them etc. But not all that phisical, and most important I hate how if he always is the first asking and helping if they have a problem, because he is always near them! When it is not even doing this with me or his guys friends!! This make me feel sooo unimportant :( Thank you again!!
- Date posted
- 3y
I think you’re right. If he knows this hurts you, he shouldn’t be doing it! You deserve your partner’s full attention.
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you for your answer and your support💖 I don't want him to change his personal for me either! The problem is that we have 2 different love languages! And 2 definitions of "complicity"! For him complicity and having a strong bond means "thinking the same things, understand each other, having interests in common (we have all that)" For me complicity means "being the first to know what is in his mind, being the first asked by an opinion, searching alway my attentions, helping me with my problems; and wanting my help for his! (We don't have that)" His reasoning is "I already see you all week, when I see my friends, that I see less than you, I give more attentions to them!" But then he will give all the attentions to the girls..
- Date posted
- 3y
He also said that he is okay, if I want/need; to give me some time (as a pause) to let him know my decision tomorrow. And that now triggered my rocd soo bad, because I don't know what to do, and I'm ruminating too much. I started to ask myself "how would you feel if" and now I'm stuck. I know that we have been really good togheter, but I'm really really scared of being hurt again; and the thought "no he will never change, he isn't just the right one for you" is terrifying me :(
- Date posted
- 3y
no offense but I really don’t think he cares. At all. Or at least not nearly as much as you should. You need to leave. Just cut him entirely out of your life and never communicate with him again.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Bookworm91 That's what I thought too, for a lot of time, but he stayed with me even when I was super depressed, he even start the journey with me for my rocd... I hate him sometimes; but I love him too! I can't just let him go, I really can't. Sometimes I want to, sometimes he show me that things can go better, and I'm happy with him. I would love being able of just saying goodbye to him... but I don't know If I want to and I can't:( and I also would hate saying goodbye to him! I'm a little in conflict with myself yes.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Saraa So what? So what if he didn’t leave when you were depressed. I know it hurts to hear this but HE DOESNT CARE. Don’t know why but he doesn’t or wouldn’t do those things that really bother you. What you described is not a little thing. The flirting. But if you’re not going to let him go then you’re going to have to just deal with the pain. And that will be YOUR decision. He won’t change. He doesn’t care.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Bookworm91 Do you all think that I'm doing a wrong thing by staying? I don't think he doesn't care; he would have just left me; or he wouldn't be here trying to find compromises or understanding rocd! Why would he stay; if he is not interested in makes thing better?
- Date posted
- 3y
@Saraa There are some things that shouldn’t be compromised. Him flirting with other people is one of them. Why don’t you try being flirty with other people and saying “it’s just part of my personality” see how likes it. And no to be honest if he cared he’d have stopped it by now.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 25w
Lately, I’ve been feeling extremely confused and guilty. My boyfriend has been really busy with exams, and we haven’t talked much this past week. I don’t really feel like I miss him, and that scares me. It makes me think maybe I don’t love him anymore, maybe I’ve changed, and maybe this relationship doesn’t feel right for me anymore. A few days ago, a friend invited me to go to a club with her and another girl. I know that if I went without my boyfriend, he would feel bad — not because he’s controlling, but because in our relationship, we’ve always had mutual boundaries and respect. I decided not to go, but ever since, I’ve been spiraling. My thoughts keep going: “What if I didn’t go just because of him?”, “What if I actually wanted to go, but I stopped myself because I don’t really love him?”, “What if I’m holding myself back and this relationship is limiting me?” All of this makes me think I’m bored, that I don’t like him anymore, or that I’m staying out of habit. It’s hard to tell what I really want or whether these thoughts are part of ROCD or some deeper truth. I keep wondering if I’m just attached to him because he’s my first boyfriend and we’ve been together for so long. Sometimes I even think I wouldn’t care if we broke up, and that I don’t feel anything for him anymore — and that absolutely destroys me, because he’s such a good person who truly loves me. He doesn’t deserve to be treated with so much doubt and coldness. I feel miserable. I don’t know what’s real and what’s just obsession. It hurts that I can’t feel any clarity or peace. I just want to know if this is ROCD or if I’m in denial and refusing to accept the truth
- Date posted
- 25w
I have had diagnosed OCD for a while now and I’ve been really struggling with my rocd. My bf and I have been dating for almost 2 years now and it has been great mostly. (I say mostly because of I’m being honest the bad parts are me causing issues due to my rocd) lately I’ve been struggling to trust him in that he will follow through with his word. This was triggered because we had a wedding and a brunch to go to (he doesn’t know the person getting married but was going just to go with me) and he ended up not being able to go due to finals and group projects he had to end up doing work for. This is a completely understandable and reasonable excuse not to be able to attend something, but my brain is now making me feel like he would do that to anything I need him for. And he literally doesn’t. Like we’re going out of town to see family this summer and I’m scared he’ll flake out. We’ve already gotten plane tickets and everything but my brain is like what if . Again it’s so stupid because he comes through almost all the time I invite him to something and when he can’t go it’s usually due to something pretty reasonable that he didn’t foresee. Like he comes to all my family holiday events, goes and runs errands and does things when I ask, comes over everyday to spend time with me. The only times he can’t come to my house is when he has no gas money. We’re both in college and his parents don’t really support him at all so he has to use all his money he makes working during the summer towards expenses and doesn’t often get to buy things for himself and when we are in our hometown, I go to his house more because my parents pay for everything and I help him save his money because he if doesn’t have any he is truly out of luck. Soem days he won’t even eat because he had to use his money on rent of something. But he still manages to go above and behind for me. Always includes me in things he loves to do, picks flowers for me anytime he sees one and buys them when he does have money, he always writes me notes and does sweet things that he knows will make me laugh. He is such a blessing, but of course my brain only focuses on the negative :( he’s so patient with my ocd but I do get tired of bugging him with it.
- Date posted
- 24w
Longer post, but please, I need some guidance. I thought that my thoughts relating to relationship OCD were taking over. But, my bf started treating me differently. I tried to have a conversation and communicate this worry. He then texted me that he had actually been feeling distant for a month and has been meaning to tell me. But “we’re fine now.” I spiraled. Later in the week, he went quiet after a disagreement. After he promised we were okay and he was okay, I found later he was texting a mutual friend (female) that I was crying again. She said that it was fucking insane and other hurtful things about me. He said he lost his trust with me because I looked through his phone and saw that message even though during the whole relationship we had a mutual understanding that we had nothing to hide from each other and he always assured me that I could look through his phone at anytime. It’s ok for boundaries to change in a relationship, but it wasn’t communicated and I was harshly reprimanded. During the texting chain with the mutual friend he also said that “she just has no idea.” When I addressed this, he then said that for the past month, he actually felt he didn’t want to be in a relationship, but still loved me. I’m ruined. I had the same thoughts in January and knew I loved him. I found out it was ROCD (through this app) and told him the day after the realization because it was eating at me. So him saying I wouldn’t understand and telling other seems unjustified. I would’ve been the most understanding. Any help would be appreciated greatly.
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