- Date posted
- 3y
- User type
- NOCD Alumni
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi Saraa, sorry to hear his asking if you want a break is flaring up your ROCD. Try to remember that no amount of worrying is going to change the future and playing what if games all day about staying or taking a break will never give an answer to your OCD that will satisfy as you know. Understood that he has been there since the start of your ROCD recovery, but since he knows about your ROCD, that is all the more reason why he should not be doing things that he knows would feed into your ROCD and doubt. Saying his flirting is just his personality is a cop-out on his part, especially since he knows how it makes you feel and your ROCD. I’ve been fed that line before, and given I also have some ROCD, I can definitely relate to how you feel. Back to your ROCD, try not to fall into the what if rabbit hole and try to tell yourself that no matter what happens with you two, you will be ok, and you deserve to be happy, truly happy and not just happy some part of the time, be it with him or someone else. Whatever you decide to do, best wishes and stay strong against your OCD as well as in trying to make as happy of a life as possible for you, because we only get one shot. Take care.
- Date posted
- 3y
In no way do you have to feel obligated to my advice but I think that if I were in your shoes I would have another conversation with it about him and express that it makes you extremely uncomfortable and that it hurts your feelings when he flirts with other girls I feel like there is a line that should not be crossed and his attention should be on you. You deserve quality time and it is important that you are honest and tell him your feelings and maybe depending on his answer I would see what choice you would like to take on taking a pause. You deserve to feel loved and confident in your relationship I hope I could be some help to you
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi!! This comment helped me soooo much❤❤ thank you! I had a deep conversation with him (ended like at 3 am) where I told him everything (and cried a lot too). We spoke about our definitions of love etc. And I hope he understood the problem! He told that we could find a compromise, so I hope something change in the future!! You are right, I should put a line. (It's okay obviously talking to other girls, cheering for them etc. But not all that phisical, and most important I hate how if he always is the first asking and helping if they have a problem, because he is always near them! When it is not even doing this with me or his guys friends!! This make me feel sooo unimportant :( Thank you again!!
- Date posted
- 3y
I think you’re right. If he knows this hurts you, he shouldn’t be doing it! You deserve your partner’s full attention.
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you for your answer and your support💖 I don't want him to change his personal for me either! The problem is that we have 2 different love languages! And 2 definitions of "complicity"! For him complicity and having a strong bond means "thinking the same things, understand each other, having interests in common (we have all that)" For me complicity means "being the first to know what is in his mind, being the first asked by an opinion, searching alway my attentions, helping me with my problems; and wanting my help for his! (We don't have that)" His reasoning is "I already see you all week, when I see my friends, that I see less than you, I give more attentions to them!" But then he will give all the attentions to the girls..
- Date posted
- 3y
He also said that he is okay, if I want/need; to give me some time (as a pause) to let him know my decision tomorrow. And that now triggered my rocd soo bad, because I don't know what to do, and I'm ruminating too much. I started to ask myself "how would you feel if" and now I'm stuck. I know that we have been really good togheter, but I'm really really scared of being hurt again; and the thought "no he will never change, he isn't just the right one for you" is terrifying me :(
- Date posted
- 3y
no offense but I really don’t think he cares. At all. Or at least not nearly as much as you should. You need to leave. Just cut him entirely out of your life and never communicate with him again.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Bookworm91 That's what I thought too, for a lot of time, but he stayed with me even when I was super depressed, he even start the journey with me for my rocd... I hate him sometimes; but I love him too! I can't just let him go, I really can't. Sometimes I want to, sometimes he show me that things can go better, and I'm happy with him. I would love being able of just saying goodbye to him... but I don't know If I want to and I can't:( and I also would hate saying goodbye to him! I'm a little in conflict with myself yes.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Saraa So what? So what if he didn’t leave when you were depressed. I know it hurts to hear this but HE DOESNT CARE. Don’t know why but he doesn’t or wouldn’t do those things that really bother you. What you described is not a little thing. The flirting. But if you’re not going to let him go then you’re going to have to just deal with the pain. And that will be YOUR decision. He won’t change. He doesn’t care.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Bookworm91 Do you all think that I'm doing a wrong thing by staying? I don't think he doesn't care; he would have just left me; or he wouldn't be here trying to find compromises or understanding rocd! Why would he stay; if he is not interested in makes thing better?
- Date posted
- 3y
@Saraa There are some things that shouldn’t be compromised. Him flirting with other people is one of them. Why don’t you try being flirty with other people and saying “it’s just part of my personality” see how likes it. And no to be honest if he cared he’d have stopped it by now.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 22w
Sometimes I get really upset with my boyfriend and I can’t tell if I’m not having my needs met or if it’s my ROCD questioning things. I can’t express that I’m upset because he rlly doesn’t understand what is going on in my head and most times I bring it up it’s turned into an argument. It is really frustrating does anyone have any tips on deciphering this stuff or dealing with the upset feeling/ bad thoughts (IE: “He’s cheating on me and that’s why he’s not texting.”) (IE: “He’s talking like this because he just doesn’t love me, and he’s not attracted to me. He clearly wants to leave me but doesn’t have the heart to do it yet”)
- Date posted
- 13w
Does anyone else struggle with object permanence in relationships? Like whenever my partner is out of the house I immediately think negatively or I find things wrong with the relationship or him… For background my partner and I always fight over chores (I know it’s common but it’s annoying) I definitely pull more weight than him and I think he has ADHD, which makes him struggle to help and be aware of helping. Lately we’ve been somewhat good with splitting meals and dishes whatever, I know it can change with work stress, fatigue whatever. But last week my partner was out of the house watching his uncle’s dog so he was barely home. He was sleeping over at his uncles house and would come home for meals sometimes and stuff like that. I started becoming super fixated on him not helping with the dishes before he left and would constantly feel urges to yell about it. Even though the week prior everything was good when it came to that (sometimes with my ROCD I’ll even question myself and be like was it?) so I have started 4 separate fights arguing about dishes and chores and mentioning that he doesn’t help enough and if this continues I’ll have to leave… it’s so hard for me to snap out of it and just realize that he was going back and forth and didn’t think to help because he was busy with helping his uncle. And then I get such a negative view of him in my head that I nitpick his appearance, I make comments, etc, because my underlying fear is he doesn’t care to help, he will never change, and we will fail. So it’s almost like I’m looking to have a reason to run before I actually need to? It’s a constant cycle for me and I’m truly so exhausted by myself. But also relationships are so hard for me because I struggled SO much with trying to depend on others that I almost don’t let myself depend on others…. Any advice is appreciated but also just like do you also experience this? Thank you & pls be kind 🥺🥺🥺
- Date posted
- 13w
Hi I don’t know but I’ve being having so much stress in my relationship with my boyfriend and I feel like I’m upset at him with small things and taking it out on him like when he looks at other girls or when he repost things with girls it upsets me and changes my mood and people tell me to talk about it with him but I don’t know how to talk to him about it because I don’t necessarily know how I feel I feel mad and upset and I feel like crying but I also just can’t express how I feel and I don’t know what to even say to him to communicate how I feel I found this app by googling”how to feel more stable in my relationship” I feel like I’m not in a relationship sometimes and I just want everything to work out with him but I don’t know what to do I wanna feel like all those relationships you see and feel loved and want to have a future but I don’t know how to get there
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