Where can I find information on self compassion related to how my ocd has made me feel? My ocd came on and in a different form in August after coming off meds from a surgery. I have struggled since to find balance in my body and neurotransmitters and a systemic kenalog shot about put me inpatient. My hormones now are causing upticks in my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I cannot wait for this long acting steroid to be out of my system. But none the less, 5 months of solid harm ocd intrusive thoughts that attack almost every positive thought I have is exhausting and wearing my mind down. I am a mother of two young kids and it’s hard for me to do what I need to do without crippling anxiety from my intrusive thoughts in the worst atmospheres. I just can’t read anything about getting better or self help, devotionals or anything because I feel like I am a monster and I am no longer the person I used to be. I used to feel so connected to my God as I believe and to who I was a a human on this earth and I feel like the last 5 months with HOCD has completely destroyed me.

In 2020 I had an episode of psychosis because my ocd was so severe. I can’t/couldn’t pick apart intrusive thoughts from reality and I didn’t understand what was happening to me at the time. I live with so much guilt over what I did during psychosis and while I understand my “reasonings” for things, how I was pushed over the edge, I live with the constant fear of judgement and condemnation from those I love if they ever found out. I am on the way to get medicated again, and I’m starting sessions with NOCD again. But I feel like… I’m breaking apart here. I look in the mirror and I realize that there isn’t any running from who I am. There isn’t a magical cure to make me someone else, I will always have to live with this shame of even being in psychosis in the first place. I believe in God but it’s hard to even sit with myself. I’m safe, I’m just severely depressed. I’m looking for hope and it seems like everyday this disorder just gets a little stronger. It’s slowly chipping away at me. I want to get my life back, have a job, a healthy relationship, but I’m so ashamed and sad… guilty for having lost reality like I did. I’m not looking for reassurance, but encouragement. Am I the only one?

I got diagnosed with OCD a few months ago after getting plagued with intrusive thoughts last November. It’s been present in my life since I was younger but didn’t become truly debilitating until last November. I’ve been in therapy since May, and I started an SSRI. I’m a Christian, and I’ve struggled a lot with my faith since this started. I’ve had a hard time with ERP because I fear it’s not going to help and actually make things worse. I have also had a lot of emotional turmoil from family trauma and marriage issues. I’ve become so hopeless and numb and desensitized that I don’t know how to continue forward. I don’t feel like I’m able to talk to anyone about it because it’s taboo, so I feel like a fraud and like I don’t deserve to do things I enjoy or hang out with people I love. I do want to get better but I also have a fear that I don’t actually want to. I feel like my whole life is ruined and that I’ll never enjoy living again.

I have had ocd my whole life… recently for the last year my ocd developed into harm ocd. Four years prior to meeting my husband, I was in an abusive relationship that left me with PTSD and trauma. I have had fears of hurting my husband for almost a year now. My ocd shows me images of me stabbing him or suffocating him. I have tried exposure therapy with an OCD therapist but recently she recommended that I try medication. I went to my PCP and tried Fluvoxamine with bad side effects of anxiety and paranoia (I am off of this now for at least two weeks). Now my ocd has “evolved” as I call it. I’m afraid of my husband poisoning my food, afraid of hurting my animals and the people I love and even now random strangers… all I feel everyday is fear and anxiety over doing something wrong. Today, my PCP called crisis on me as I expressed to him what I also did to my therapists (I’m transitioning to a weekly therapy instead of monthly with a new service) and I was placed in an in patient facility for a few hours before the psychiatrists discharged me. I still don’t know how to process this situation and have been on edge since returning home. I had ocd thoughts again tonight being worried about giving into the harm ocd thoughts and am now in a hotel room in order to feel safe (the OPPOSITE of what I should be doing, I know). Moral of the story is… I have gone through a lot in the past month and it has left me more broken and hurt then before I was on medication. Sorry for the novel to read but hopefully one day I will find relief.