There are times where my ocd just stops acting up, but then I remember like you are such a horrible person for having those thoughts and the cycle begins again, I start crying and sweating and over all just having an anxiety attack...I hate this

I have obsessive intrusive thoughts. They started last November and its completely changed my life in the worst way. I dont feel like myself anymore. I feel like a monster and a horrible mother. I have been trying to treat myself through exposure therapy and through ocd work books but I really think I need to start meds again. I was on paxil and I hated the side effects. I'm thinking of starting zoloft.

I definitely have been there. I’m not feeling like myself at the moment either. You are not a monster or a horrible mother. Monsters don’t care if they are monsters our not. If you were a horrible mother you wouldn’t think twice or even care. The only reason those thoughts upset you is because you are afraid of being that person. It’s the opposite of you. It’s Just OCD doing what it does best and thats making you doubt yourself. Stay strong?

I was just putting clothes on after taking my first shower after three days and I looked so sick, so skinny cause I haven’t eat bc of this too

I definitely do the same. You are not your thoughts. You’re brain just produces them. Kind of like gas?. You don’t have control over it. It just happens. Don’t let it define you. You don’t stress over your random good thoughts and that’s only because they don’t cause you anxiety. You’re thoughts all have one thing in common.They are just thoughts. The only difference is the fear attached to the negative ones. Accept them and let them go. Easier said then done, trust me! I’m living it with you. Just don’t let your brain throw a tantrum. That’s all it’s doing.It’s just reminding you that you don’t like it and it wants you to give in so it can have its way and solve a problem that doesn’t even exists. Stay strong???

I'm sorry.

When I'm reading books about harm ocd I feel better like ok I'm not crazy! But what is so upsetting is that this all started when I was 34. It's not something I have been living with for years. I have always had anxiety and depression but never intrusive thoughts. I use to see myself as a loving person but now I try my hardest to convince myself that I'm not a closet psychopath even though in my heart I know that I'm not. I'm so conflicted.