I’m suffering from ROCD and yesterday I felt so overwhelmed with everything that I suddenly bursted into tears in front of my boyfriend. I wanted to break up and told him that I feel very uncomfortable since a few weeks and that I miss my home and my family. I just wanted to run away. He didn’t know that I wanted to break up, he calmed me and took me in his arms. Then we fell both asleep and I was doing better afterwards. But now I feel ao devastated that I had this break up urge. I don’t know what to do now. I want to stay with him. This conversation yesterday changed my point of view. But I feel the need to confessto him what I wanted to say yesterday. But he would be so devastated. I feel so lost 🥺 I love him and I want to stay.

I learned that thoughts are just thoughts and urges are urges. Nothing more. It‘s normal. I learned it during my ERP… but what makes it different this time is that I literally started this conversation and it became reality. So at the end it WAS an action. So it became reality. This changes everything. I never felt so bad in my life. I feel like a liar since Saturday. I‘m at rock bottom 24/7. But usually he understands my OCD

THE EXACT SAME THINH!!! it is like a defensive mechanism for me!! I fear being hurt, so I start a lot of doubts. If he does/I found something that tells me "your doubts could be true" I start this defensive mechanism, by taking distance, more rocd; less feelings and break up urges!! The belief is "he can't hurt you, if you go away before!"... But it is actually wrong; for me and for him, because he should be the one that want to break up if he doesn't love me anymore, not me! It is his choice; not mine!!

I‘m so sorry that you have gone through something similar but I‘m glad that you worked this out! I can‘t let it go, that my urge became a real action when I started this conversation. You know what I mean?! It feels not OCD at all 🥺

thank you so much for your words! I really appreciate them 🥺 So now I feel better! But I’m still so anxious because my thoughts became actions when I started this conversation, so it feels like I really did a mistake 😪

@Jaxiju You're welcome!! One day you will learn to understand by yourself your rocd doubts, and they will not bother you anymore! Don't worry. It's okay to make mistakes sometimes! Take the advice for the next time! :)

@eoid UHHH right! One thing that really helped me when I felt like that, was writing down doubts! Or better, writing the questions, and posticipate the answer to a decided hour! Like "now I written this question! At 10 pm I will answer it"

I agree with this for the most part, but I found it really helpful to tell my boyfriend about my rocd and what it makes me think. It was very hard to do and it was in a moment of clarity. But I think it's a little different because I told him so he can understand me better and understand why I sometimes isolate myself, not to satisfy a "confession" type compulsion. I think talking to him and being clear about your ocd could be helpful so that he understands how it affects you and why ocd thoughts aren't a reflection of how you ACTUALLY feel. I was terrified to talk to my boyfriend about it but he was very understanding!

@dandelion2002 Can I ask you how you would phrase it or explain it to him? Because it‘s such a balancing act between explaining him how OCD works and making him doubt and making him feel insecure in our relationship

@Jaxiju Yeah, that's what really scares me too. I felt extremely guilty for having the thoughts and still do which makes it seem so impossible. Maybe talk to him about other ocd themes you've had or other people's themes, and explain how ocd can make you think something really illogical that isn't a reflection of how you ACTUALLY feel. I used pedophilia ocd as an example and explained to him how ocd can make you think the worst possible scenario is true. Being a pedophile sounds like the worst thing you could be, which is why some people fixate on it so much(I'm not a mental health specialist ofc this is just how I personally have come to understand it). With that in mind, the rocd made more sense to him. It makes you think of the most awful thing that you DON'T want to be thinking about. It made me feel really understood when my boyfriend said he researched ocd to try to understand how I feel, and we ended up scrolling through ocd memes together lol. Again, this was in a clarity moment when I wasn't actively having overwhelming thoughts so it was a lot easier then but it's something to think about! Sorry this was so long-winded btw and I'm cheering for you :)!!

@dandelion2002 thank you so so much for your advice ! The thing is that he already understands my OCD thoughts and hownit works, because I explained it to him often throughout the last year.

I really appreciate your advice and your wise words, so first of all, thank you so so much!! It‘s absolutely not about him and I had this urge just because of my anxiety and me missing my family and familiar surrounding… but I‘m still so confused because I STARTED this conversation so it feels like I already made a decision and there is no comback, you understand?!

he knows that I have OCD… but idk if I should confess to him that I wanted to break up on Saturday. I feel like I won‘t ever be able to let this go. I wanna vomit :/