Anyone else obsess over wether or not they are a narcissist. I think of times in my past that I was selfish and cocky and rude to others and sorry it makes me a narcissist. Most of the things occurred when I was a high schooler but I just feel like I really am a terrible and horrible person. I was just wondering if others obsess over this kind of thing

recently ive been worrying that im ''secretly'' a narcissist and that im accidentally hurting all of my friends. it really doesnt help that i do relate a bit to some narcisstic traits like having an unstable ego/''needing'' validation, although i suspect it comes from a different source for me (like OCD, maybe?). it also hurts because ive been trying to understand more stigmatized disorders like NPD more and learning more about them so that i don't add to the demonization, but i feel like doing so has also instilled the fear into me that im accidentally harming people i care about or that im not actually a ''good person'' like how i like to think of myself

I look back at various past events in my life where I said or did things that I feel really guilty, disgusted, and ashamed about. I replay them in my head for hours. I feel anxious about crossing paths with people that I've hurt or upset in the past or who perceive me badly, to the point that I will avoid going out in public as much as possible. I go out for work, errands, appointments, and occasionally to eat (even though those all give me a lot of anxiety), but I avoid community events where people might recognize me and I tend to isolate myself. The only people I see regularly are my boyfriend, my parents, and my coworkers. I live in a small community and I'm worried about people confronting me publicly and proving what a bad person I must be.

I’ve had off and on fears and thoughts of being a narcissist but at this point it doesn’t feel like a fear anymore it feels true and it feels like it all makes sense the more I learn about narcissism. I’ve even put the label on myself and have been monitoring all my social interacts and motivations. I don’t know if telling myself I’m a narcissist causes me to act more narcissistic either. I have some specific examples and factors to talk about that might be too long to post, so if I can talk about them to anyone on here I’d appreciate it 😭🙏