I’ve been really struggling with my SOOCD this week. Just finished listening to an episode of the Awaken Into Love podcast about SOOCD called Leaning Into the Grey of Sexuality. It was tough at first (it’s a bit of an exposure exercise), but as I made my way through it I found myself relaxing and able to exhale. Here’s the link - https://open.spotify.com/episode/51LPSvepE15kUnVVQ3N9S5?si=7QruYM89S1uRv6oW0TK53A

Anyone who has had sexual orientation OCD since the “dating age” (middle school/high school)— how did you ever determine your sexuality? I don’t want reassurance because I understand our experiences may be different. I’m just curious— did you try boys and girls? Did you just find your person and know? I started having SOOCD at age 16 and I’m now 28. OCD has ruined my ability to date more than anything else. I feel like it stole my chance at love. I’ve had three long-term situationships with men. I adored them but they were also toxic because I think I subconsciously didn’t believe I deserved better. I felt that if I knew the relationship wouldn’t work because of fundamental differences, at least it was okay that I couldn’t fully be present in the relationship. Not sure if this makes sense, but I’m just grieving that part of my life I missed out on.

Feeling hopeful. Pasta days I’ve felt pretty much myself. My attraction to the opposite gender has come back in stages. False attraction to same gender is there but not as near strong as before. It’s like my brain knows it’s OCD. I have been through hell in the past months, really really severe SOOCD. But I see the that this does not define who I am and my values! Keep strong and fight on.

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.