Why does it keep feeling better/right for me to leave my wonderful relationship? It feels more wrong and it hurts more at the thought of staying. I keep hearing in my brain I’m just with him bc I don’t want to be alone, but these thoughts and feelings are driving me crazy. I want to cocoon and be alone but of course I want to stay in this relationship. It’s like my brain doesn’t want to be convinced that I love him or want to stay with him. It’s like it only wants us to be alone so we’re no longer stressed about this stuff. I hate that’s how exhausted I am with all this shit😞any tips/help?

Hey! Yeah, this is something that I've been through too. I don't want to give too much reassurance, except to say: this is a very common experience in ROCD, and it makes perfect sense. Ending our relationships would, our mind believes, settle the uncertainty and relieve the fear. That does not mean we actively want to end the relationship for any reason other than out of a compulsive desire to bring an end to the fear and suffering. When these thoughts come, try to answer them with "Maybe, maybe not." and carry on as usual. It will be difficult at first, but as your mind habituates to the fears, it will become easier.

I like to remind myself that love is a choice and not a feeling. Love is making the choice to stay with someone, for that person. We rocd people are fighting internal battles for our partners, and that's also a form of love. But love is never a feeling.

Thank you for your insight as well! I tried reminding myself that or at least the part of my brain that is so exhausted and ready to toss in the towel, but that part wasn’t wanting to listen. How do you handle the parts of you that are tired of listening and being told logic?

@crc_1394 It's hard to say, some days I just cry for hours, some days I'm able to toss it away. I've been doing ERP a lot these days so it does help. I just know whenever I'm thinking about leaving my boyfriend I get a "throwing up" sensation that comes with it. So I have a clear signal and usually retrieve to my room and let the thoughts come in until they leave. I'm letting myself feel everything. I'm allowing myself a lot of breaks because it's too much too handle tho. So it's also ok to take time to do nothing and just lay down and avoid thoughts sometimes. It's just really hard in the beginning, because it feels like never ending pain and it makes you want to give up so badly. I also have a anxious-avoidant attachment, so I get it. But running away won't help with guilt and pain, so might as well get used to the thoughts to the point where they mean nothing. Also, I got into mindfulness lately and it's really soothing. Maybe look into podcast or books for mindfulness. Good luck ⭐️

@raziarago Hey since you’re anxious avoidant, is there any private way we can talk? I’d like to pick your brain about your healing process :)

@crc_1394 Sure! I've deleted all social media but I still have discord if that's something you use? Not sure I want to share my email or # here lol

@raziarago Awesome! I could get discord :)

@crc_1394 Here's my user number #9666 and my name on it is thiamin

@raziarago so search for thiamin#9666

@raziarago Awesome thank you!

@crc_1394 https://discord.gg/tTKYm59r here's a link for a chat if it's easier