- Username
- hestia
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Context is key in my opinion. Within the context of Cards against humanity, it's comedy. Now, comedy is super subjective and if you don't enjoy that kind of comedy and it makes you uncomfortable, that's different. With OCD it's hard because you want to make sure you're not avoiding triggering subjects and feeding those obsessions (I was also like this about some kinds of jokes)
You can use this experience to support your view as an advocate. You could say "I've been in social situations where I've heard others making jokes about _______ and I know the pain this could cause someone. We need to educate people about _______ " and so on. Anxiety can take over and provide no room for alternative thinking!
Thank you! I wish the same for you! OCD really attacks what's most important to us!
Hey I'm sorry you're feeling this way! Can you help me understand a little more about what your thinking/feeling?
It's just a game. I love it but I also have a dark sense of humor. It's not for everyone.
Hi @doubts123, you mean what is the game? Or how my night went down in regard to the game?
Sorry I didn't know the nature of cards against humanity. Now I understand why you were having these thoughts. It seems like obsessive thinking took this an ran with it to blow things out of proportion and make you feel bad.
Yes. I’ve gone to dinner at this friends house, I should know by now that this is the only game they bring out. Still the content of the cards give me pause. I feel it affected me greatly because someone was making fun of a population I advocate for, like it just made me feel really bad. I just wish had never been played at the dinner, or I felt I should have just gone home.
Now I feel I can’t be an advocate even though I wasn’t engaging in the joke or that I’m just a really bad person.
@lucius, sorry not ignoring you. I just hope my consequent messages explain my worry.
That’s true. Thank you for pointing that out. Yeah my anxiety and thoughts tend to jump to I’m just the worst and I might as well be socially outcast for the rest of my life. Not to mention a horrid representative for those I care about. I don’t see others the same. My therapist says I demonize myself often. But I can’t see past the fog of this so it feels so true to me
I totally understand this and deal with similar things. I don't know for me if it's OCD, social anxiety, CPTSD or what. I'm extremely hard on myself also and regular mistakes feel life ending or that I'm just terrible and deserve nothing. I get scared if I'm less hard on myself then I'll turn into a narcissist that doesn't care about anyone. It's weird how we are so hard on ourselves but don't feel this about others. I'm sending you lots of support!!
Hi @doubt123, I appreciate your support. I am hoping you find peace on this balance between acceptance of uncertainty and deciphering your own processes as well ? @lucius thank you for explaining. My OCD has been circling around my current field I’m in ever since beginning of last year. My brain keeps testing me to see if I’m qualified in any shape or form to be this type of advocate. It tends to pick up on the smallest things and then my brain becomes obsessive as if it’s going to fix the “problem” it’s observed.
That’s for sure!
I think I might be becoming a bad and miserable person because of my past. Recently a lot of people are being exposed for manipulating a child or person, and I started to think back if I ever did such thing. I think I did as a kid, but Idk. When I was a kid, sexting or virtual sex was a thing ( there was no nudes or anything very explicit, it wasn’t that far. Kid would just pretend to do the sex thing). It was very common ( it might have not been for you, but I would see this in video games) for some reason, and I was kind of into it but weirded out by it. I’m glad kids nowadays don’t do that anymore, but when I was a kid I gave it somewhat a try. It’s weird to explain, but this is what happened. I was about 12-14 years old, I don’t remember what age, but all I remembered is that it was the start of me going through puberty. I played this game called “second life.” It was a virtual social game, where you meet up and hangout with people virtually. It’s like vr chat, but not vr. Anyways, a girl invited me to her virtual house. I quickly accepted it invitation because...you know... I was a kid and my mind was like “oh my god, I finally have a online gf” I entered her virtual house, and we were playing truth or dare, then got bored. (I’m sorry this is we’re it gets weird) she asked “now what?” And then I asked if she wanted to go to the bedroom. She said sure. My heart was beefing fast and I was aroused because I felt like I had a gf ( when I say gf, I don’t really mean gf, it was a think kids would say when they hung out with a girl) and I never did this before I think, I hope it was the first and only. (This is very weird ik) This is we’re things got sexual. Once we got there, you know....think you know we’re it was headed. I asked if she has a emote dance that can re-enacts the doggie style. She said yeah, and we did the disgusting thing. I don’t think we said much of anything sexual because weird kids and we’re scared to type anything sexual. I might be wrong I don’t remember much of the conversations. All I remember was that we just had our avatars do the actions and just watched. 30s of that weird disgusting thing, and my arousal then climaxed. I freaked out when I climaxed. I started to realized this was a weird and disgusting thing. I was mostly scared of the climax because I felt like it was unnatural. I was scared of what just happened, and so I quickly told the girl to stop. She stopped, and I idk if she asked why or anything. I was too weirded out and just said “I have to go. Bye” she said ok. And I left. I deleted everything. I deleted the game and swore to never touch that game ever again because I thought it was evil. I think I also delete other social games that had similarities to that game. I never wanted to ever interact with a person online because that experience felt very disgusting and regrettable. Years later, I a 16 year old, find out about YouTuber manipulating underage fans. And I see my little cousins talk about their online bfs and gfs. I remember the disgusting situation that I took part when I was a kid. The I started to get scared. What if that “gf” was way younger than me? What if I manipulated her and I caused irreversible physiological damage? The whole interaction from when I was invited to the end of the interaction lasted only like 5-10 mins, I might be wrong though. I feel very horrible and miserable. I have no idea who the other person is that was the first and last time I ever interacted with them. I think I might have asked for their age, and it was my age, but I don’t remember. Maybe they were my age, and so that’s why we continued to be “bf and gf” during the interaction (not really big and gf, it a thing kids used to say) I feel bad for the other person. It felt like we both liked each other, but the possibility of the unknown age gap scares me. I feel like I did no damage to the person because it ended very quickly, but the possibility that I did still whispers to me. I’ve been starting to hate myself recently because of this. Maybe I deserve it, I have no idea. I don’t know how to look at that situation. I could make the argument that we were just two dumb kids who did something stupid or It could be seen as me manipulating and hurt someone. I don’t know what to think of it or how to feel. I now am starting to believe my existence should not be allowed to continue. I feel like I am not allowed to be happy at all. My family invites me to do fun stuff and hangout with them, but I reject their offers because I feel like I should just rot in my bed. I never felt very miserable and it hurts, but I feel like I deserve to be hurt. I might not deserve anything good I get in my life for what I might have done to the person. This might be the first time I ever spoke about this. I need some guidance in my life. What are your thoughts about all of this? Have you ever been in a similar situation? How should I feel about the situation? Am the evil person who hurt someone or were we both just dumb kids? Anything will help me. I’m going to tell this to my therapist m, but I feel like she might not help me. I feel likes it a “you screwed up your life” type of situation. Anyways I hope you have a great day wether you hate me or not. Thank you if you have read this far?
I feel like a horrible person. I was not a good person during the pandemic, did not follow the rules and lied a lot. I feel so so guilty about it now, I can't believe how immoral I was. and now I can't stop confessing. I confessed to some of the people I could've hurt, and they don't care/are telling me to stop feeling guilty. I keep thinking about more details I feel like I need to share, I probably seem really crazy to them because the rational part of me knows they don't care, like this was months ago at this point. I just can't stop, my entire days are consumed by this. My mom has even taken my phone so that I stop texting them because I probably seem insane. I just feel like I don't deserve friends or help or sympathy because of the immoral things I have done. I just want to be happy again, and enjoy life. I feel like I have learned a lot of lessons from this, but I still can't seem to move on.
I feel like throughout my teens into my early adult years I did or said stuff that that makes me a monster. My most recent trigger is a memory involving rping in a roleplay server where minors were present. I won’t excuse myself for what I think I did, but I feel like I put inappropriate context for things where I shouldn’t have and made a complete mockery of what I believe now.
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