I went over to a friends house, in which we played cards against humanity. I’ve always tried to play benign cards but I just feel horrible that I participated in the game. What kind of person am I?! I feel I don’t deserve to live a good life after this. I feel sick.

I look back at various past events in my life where I said or did things that I feel really guilty, disgusted, and ashamed about. I replay them in my head for hours. I feel anxious about crossing paths with people that I've hurt or upset in the past or who perceive me badly, to the point that I will avoid going out in public as much as possible. I go out for work, errands, appointments, and occasionally to eat (even though those all give me a lot of anxiety), but I avoid community events where people might recognize me and I tend to isolate myself. The only people I see regularly are my boyfriend, my parents, and my coworkers. I live in a small community and I'm worried about people confronting me publicly and proving what a bad person I must be.

I’m a 23 y/o female who has recently entered a phase of obsessive thoughts of mistakes I’ve made, ranging from events that happened over a decade ago when and I was a kid up to things that happened recently. I feel so much debilitating guilt I can’t do anything or function. I especially feel bad for this one instance. I have always had extremely low self esteem, and I often seek attention and validation especially from men. I like being liked. I find myself trying to act or look cute, or even act somewhat like a pick-me, so that I feel liked. I feel like I may even do this with girls too, but especially guys. I just really like attention, and I’ve been in a stagnant 6 year relationship where I don’t really feel desirable, and I’m very lonely. A few months ago I started playing a game where I met a large group of people and we would all play together everyday. One of the people in particular was a 15/16 year old guy who flirted with me a lot, and I kept my distance because he was so young, and I felt kinda weird talking to someone younger than me, but we would still talk sometimes because we were apart of the same discord group, and I have a problem being stern and confrontational so I didn’t want to be mean or make things awkward in the friend group. Although it made me uncomfortable that he was so young and that I’m nearly a whole decade older than him, and I did make it clear that I was dating someone and I was way too old for him and I would tell him to stop, I wasn’t very stern and I was very lighthearted about it and I even found myself liking the attention I got from him. I was flattered. I liked that he liked me so much even though I knew he was a teenager and I feel like I was maybe even seeking attention from him like I did with the other guys in the group. And when I say seeking attention, I mean that I was acting cute so that I was liked and got attention. Is that considered flirting? Was I flirting with him? Does this make me disgusting? That I liked the attention I got even though he was teenager? That I acted cute around him as well as all the other guys so that he would like me? I feel disgusted with myself. Does this make me a predator? Doesn’t this make me disgusting that I liked attention I got from a teenager? To be fair, I like the attention I get from any guy. I just like feeling liked. But I feel like it makes me disgusting that even though I knew he was a teenager I still liked and was flattered by the attention and was possibly even seeking it out from him. My head is all messed up. I really feel like I’m having an identity crisis. I feel disgusted with myself to the point that I’m nauseous. I’m so ashamed. I’ve been crying nonstop for days on end and I feel truly hopeless. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live my life with this shame and that I’m convinced that makes me a predator or a sick person. I don’t know if I’m overthinking things or not. I just really need some relief because I feel like I’m losing my mind, but I want someone to be honest with me about my actions.

All the past stuff can’t seem to let go of me. I lied, I normalized horrible things, I’ve tried to be moral in an immoral environment. Two people are dead and I could’ve done something. One of them probably deserved it. They were a pedophile, and I know the relationship they had with me was horrible. The other was a close friend. We were in that environment together, and while I grew away from it, he got further into it. And now he’s dead, hanged himself over some sick perversion someone placed in his mind. I’ve seen such sick things. I knew things were wrong. I tried telling people. I told that friend, it isn’t normal. Isn’t this stuff wrong? Aren’t we being influenced? He didn’t see it. I should’ve tried harder to make him see my way. I’m away from all of it. But he never got to get away. I remember telling people I knew from that environment, those online spaces. Since I was sixteen, I knew it was off. I knew these ideas planted in our heads were sick. I tried to convince people when I turned eighteen, but nobody saw it. Everyone was still brain washed. I’m a horrible person, I haven’t done enough to stop anything. I’ve always had a passion to help people, but I never was able to. I’ve been uncomfortable with sex for a while, but I can’t stop. I remember being uncomfortable with a girl in my school. She was really sexual towards me. I tried to tell the office, nobody listened, it’s just a crush. And then I started to like it, but it still felt wrong. And then she got expelled, and I was telling people she harassed me. Nobody really took it serious, it was just funny, so I exaggerated and said she squeezed my crotch and it hurt. Then people finally sympathized with me. There was another lie, a lie that still hurts me. There was a girl in our class. Everyone made jokes about her, I tried to be nice and talk to her, but then she got a bit creepy towards me. She wouldn’t stop following me. It got uncomfortable. What did I do? I lied again, because everyone started making jokes about how she liked me and I was uncomfortable. I said she made a suggestive comment to me, and they all laughed. I just wanted it to stop. I lied, again. I am deceitful. That poor girl wrote in my yearbook and thanked me for being a good friend, but I made her into a joke just to save my own skin. I am a coward, I hurt people, and I deserve to be put down like an animal. I’m sorry for making myself seem like someone else, I tried to help as much people as I could, I tried. All I want is to be good, but too much bad has happened. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to try and redeem myself everyone. You all are so strong. I’m not going to harm myself, but I accept that I have evil within me.