- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 6y
Context is key in my opinion. Within the context of Cards against humanity, it's comedy. Now, comedy is super subjective and if you don't enjoy that kind of comedy and it makes you uncomfortable, that's different. With OCD it's hard because you want to make sure you're not avoiding triggering subjects and feeding those obsessions (I was also like this about some kinds of jokes)
You can use this experience to support your view as an advocate. You could say "I've been in social situations where I've heard others making jokes about _______ and I know the pain this could cause someone. We need to educate people about _______ " and so on. Anxiety can take over and provide no room for alternative thinking!
Thank you! I wish the same for you! OCD really attacks what's most important to us!
Hey I'm sorry you're feeling this way! Can you help me understand a little more about what your thinking/feeling?
It's just a game. I love it but I also have a dark sense of humor. It's not for everyone.
Hi @doubts123, you mean what is the game? Or how my night went down in regard to the game?
Sorry I didn't know the nature of cards against humanity. Now I understand why you were having these thoughts. It seems like obsessive thinking took this an ran with it to blow things out of proportion and make you feel bad.
Yes. I’ve gone to dinner at this friends house, I should know by now that this is the only game they bring out. Still the content of the cards give me pause. I feel it affected me greatly because someone was making fun of a population I advocate for, like it just made me feel really bad. I just wish had never been played at the dinner, or I felt I should have just gone home.
Now I feel I can’t be an advocate even though I wasn’t engaging in the joke or that I’m just a really bad person.
@lucius, sorry not ignoring you. I just hope my consequent messages explain my worry.
That’s true. Thank you for pointing that out. Yeah my anxiety and thoughts tend to jump to I’m just the worst and I might as well be socially outcast for the rest of my life. Not to mention a horrid representative for those I care about. I don’t see others the same. My therapist says I demonize myself often. But I can’t see past the fog of this so it feels so true to me
I totally understand this and deal with similar things. I don't know for me if it's OCD, social anxiety, CPTSD or what. I'm extremely hard on myself also and regular mistakes feel life ending or that I'm just terrible and deserve nothing. I get scared if I'm less hard on myself then I'll turn into a narcissist that doesn't care about anyone. It's weird how we are so hard on ourselves but don't feel this about others. I'm sending you lots of support!!
Hi @doubt123, I appreciate your support. I am hoping you find peace on this balance between acceptance of uncertainty and deciphering your own processes as well ? @lucius thank you for explaining. My OCD has been circling around my current field I’m in ever since beginning of last year. My brain keeps testing me to see if I’m qualified in any shape or form to be this type of advocate. It tends to pick up on the smallest things and then my brain becomes obsessive as if it’s going to fix the “problem” it’s observed.
That’s for sure!
All the past stuff can’t seem to let go of me. I lied, I normalized horrible things, I’ve tried to be moral in an immoral environment. Two people are dead and I could’ve done something. One of them probably deserved it. They were a pedophile, and I know the relationship they had with me was horrible. The other was a close friend. We were in that environment together, and while I grew away from it, he got further into it. And now he’s dead, hanged himself over some sick perversion someone placed in his mind. I’ve seen such sick things. I knew things were wrong. I tried telling people. I told that friend, it isn’t normal. Isn’t this stuff wrong? Aren’t we being influenced? He didn’t see it. I should’ve tried harder to make him see my way. I’m away from all of it. But he never got to get away. I remember telling people I knew from that environment, those online spaces. Since I was sixteen, I knew it was off. I knew these ideas planted in our heads were sick. I tried to convince people when I turned eighteen, but nobody saw it. Everyone was still brain washed. I’m a horrible person, I haven’t done enough to stop anything. I’ve always had a passion to help people, but I never was able to. I’ve been uncomfortable with sex for a while, but I can’t stop. I remember being uncomfortable with a girl in my school. She was really sexual towards me. I tried to tell the office, nobody listened, it’s just a crush. And then I started to like it, but it still felt wrong. And then she got expelled, and I was telling people she harassed me. Nobody really took it serious, it was just funny, so I exaggerated and said she squeezed my crotch and it hurt. Then people finally sympathized with me. There was another lie, a lie that still hurts me. There was a girl in our class. Everyone made jokes about her, I tried to be nice and talk to her, but then she got a bit creepy towards me. She wouldn’t stop following me. It got uncomfortable. What did I do? I lied again, because everyone started making jokes about how she liked me and I was uncomfortable. I said she made a suggestive comment to me, and they all laughed. I just wanted it to stop. I lied, again. I am deceitful. That poor girl wrote in my yearbook and thanked me for being a good friend, but I made her into a joke just to save my own skin. I am a coward, I hurt people, and I deserve to be put down like an animal. I’m sorry for making myself seem like someone else, I tried to help as much people as I could, I tried. All I want is to be good, but too much bad has happened. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to try and redeem myself everyone. You all are so strong. I’m not going to harm myself, but I accept that I have evil within me.
I had a compulsion to look up “child nudity” on google to see people’s opinions on whether nudity in children is sexualized or not. This came from a whole other obsession that I’m not going to get into right now. I had another compulsion to click on images and I told myself I didn’t want to I had a compulsion to look up “child nudity” on google to see people’s opinions on whether nudity in children is sexualized or not. This came from a whole other obsession that I’m not going to get into right now. I had another compulsion to click on images and I told myself I didn’t want to do that but still did it anyway. I saw one boy naked from the front. I immediately closed the tab but then got another compulsion to look again to confirm what I saw. I searched again and looked on images this time seeing a toddler girl nude from the back. I closed the tab and got a compulsion to look at the first image again to confirm the approximate age of the boy in the first picture and this time saw a girl toddler nude from the front. Doing all of this I yelled at myself to stop and when I saw the last picture of the girl I started crying. I’m still in tears and I’m so scared. I have another urge to look at the source of that photo with the boy again to confirm he wasn’t getting sexually exploited in that image. It was from 1920 and he had a straight face so I’m worried I actually saw something really bad. These images weren’t sexualized I think but are they still considered CP? Did I just see illegal material? Either way I just looked at photos of nude children 3 separate times and now I hate myself more than I ever had before. I feel like I shouldn’t be alive right now. I’m a disgusting human being l don’t deserve to live what is wrong with me. I don’t care if this is ocd I gave into a really inappropriate compulsion and didn’t stop myself. I’m not afraid I’m going to harm children I know for a fact I would never do that but this is a step too far. How do I continue living with myself. I messaged my therapist for the first time and she said we can have a session tomorrow but I’m an absolute mess right now. I’m crying so hard I gave myself a headache and it’s getting hard to breathe correctly.
My OCD is playing whack a mole but I can’t even tell if it’s OCD anymore or if I’m just a horrible person. I made a joke when my friend mentioned a video game and I replied “gooner game” and then went “just kidding” (me and one of my friends in that group typically joke like this) My other friend said “eww” and started laughing, and even if the vibes were lighthearted I now I feel like I’m a weird creep. I’m worried I should have kept my mouth shut bc the other friend is younger than me (they’re not a minor). And even then, I feel like I still majorly overstepped and feel gross. Esp because im the oldest of the group and I should be leading by example. I’m so grossed out at myself for saying such an awful thing. I’m spiraling yet again. Ugh
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