Am I emotionally cheating by having a crush on someone else?

have been in a committed long distance relationship for 6 years. At the 1.5 year mark when I was 16 and my boyfriend was 17. A girls friend came forward and told me that her friend slept with my boyfriend. At the time he lived with other billet brothers as well in a very small town The girl had no text messages the only thing she knew was what his bedroom looked like and parts of the house.. As well her friend sent me a screen shot of a text the girl sent her saying that she banged my boyfriend don’t tell anyone 3 days after the date she gave me. and 5 days before she told me my boyfriend posted a picture of us and someone put her username on the post and was liked by her friends. I knew they were friends and snap chatted each other. She didn’t apologize and she told me she was cheated on in the past… she made herself look really good. She gave me a specific time frame she said she went to his place at 6:00 pm and left at 8:30. At the time I was petrified of him cheating on me so I constantly obsessed and watched his location. So I remember that night and I had texts that we had at around 7:00. I found pictures that proved he was not home until 8:00 and his billet parents talked to me going through calendars saying that she believed they watched a movie that night which is what my boyfriend told me they did that night. I also talked to someone who had a kid at the same event as my boyfriend and told me the time frame his team was there till. I remembered all the info because I was already petrified. I have talked to my mom ( who was cheated on by my dad and destroyed my family) and she doesn’t believe it. I told 2 of my best friends and they say it didn’t happen. Now even with all this information the OCD won’t let me move on… bottom line is I believe my boyfriend and as well all the information that I have found backs up his story but there’s always the “what if” for about 3 years I was handling it well until covid and I had to isolate for 2 weeks. My OCD tells me that 1. my boyfriends a cheater… 2. that I am a weak person… 3: that my relationship isn’t whole… 4. that I am stupid… 5. that because this girl said this it has to be true… 6. that ur always supposed to believe the girl… it shows me images of them having sex in my head… 7. It tells me what I remember is false… ( which makes me go in loops of reassuring myself and asking others) 8. that his billet parents are lying for him (even though I had a close relationship with them both),… 9. that some how it must have happened 10. i get this pit drop in my stomach, 11. heart palpitations when it got really bad 12. And some times it’s just a feeling that I know it’s there 13. other times it makes me hate my boyfriend 14. when it comes I start to avoid my boyfriend and he notices…, 15. triggers include hockey rinks, when I meet someone that was from close to where he played hockey my OCD says what if they know something you don’t. Seeing teammates that were on that team with him. Hearing the name of the town. I have immense regret on how I handled the situation I go over what I would do differently etc, for ex. I never confronted her when it happened about about what I found because I felt like I didn’t need to and I always regretted not confronting her so my OCD got so bad that I did confront her 4 years later I thought maybe this girl would confess to lying years later now that she is older… just last month I dm’d her and I told her my proof and she pretty much told me what’s her motive ( even though she told me she was in love with him)… that she doesn’t care about my so called proof and that he cheated on me and I decided to stay… She was so bloody mean. Now this is like an extra ammo for OCD because now there is someone a real person saying that my OCD is right. I have talked to my boyfriend and he has talked to other teammates that he plays with now about it because he doesn’t know what to do. I am beyond stuck. I don’t want to leave this relationship because it is so good and I love him so much but I don’t know how much longer I can do this. You guys might be asking why I have stayed if I could leave tomorrow and this could all be gone… it’s because if I leave my OCD wins and it will just move onto something else. I’m just so tired of fighting the battle in my mind I don’t want to do it anymore. I have looked into ERP therapy but I don’t know how it will help me when my OCD is based off of a real life event that I wasn’t there for. Being cheated on is my worst fear in life because of my parents, I believe they are the worst type of people, and that’s why if he did this to me I’m with a horrible person and that’s why it has so much power…

I worry about cheating ocd specifically emotionally cheating. I can’t have male friends anymore cuz I convince myself I’m in love with them etc. or what if I cheat and don’t know? Etc.. I also have a fear I had sex with someone and don’t remember and I worry a lot.

hi guys, im really looking for advice right now. this is going to be a super long post with a lot to it so i apologise in advance! i know reassurance isn’t good, but i really feel like sometimes it really confuses you on whether something is bad or not? does that make sense? i’ve been with my bf a while now and when we’re good things are amazing, but when they’re bad they’re bad. long story short, there’s been many incidents where he’s been name calling me, including very degrading words such as “wh*re” and when he called me this a few months ago this summer, i was very upset. he took me out the next day to make it up for me but then i saw messages on his phone between him and his friends of videos & pics of other girls. some were half naked, some had better bodies than me, society’s desired body shape. keep in mind his friend is married and he’s doing this too. anyway- i see my boyfriend send a post of a girl that tried to make a move on him during a night out (which he was honest about) but he sent it to his friend and said he “shagged her” i feel sick even writing this still. he swore on his little brothers life, my life and god he was just joking. but it got to me so so much bc i felt so mentally drained from the previous days argument and now this. my anxiety was sky high after for ages. even now when i think about it i still have doubts. fast forward to two weeks ago, i saw more messages on my bf’s phone of half naked girls (even tho he was apologetic about doing it the first time round and knew how much it impacted my self esteem, confidence and mental health) and i couldn’t stop crying. the worst thing is i said to him show me the messages and he deleted them. there’s been a few incidents last year where he liked other girls pics too and claimed it wasn’t him. idk i believe him but sometimes i dont. like all of this on top of the hurtful things he’s said to me really really get to me so much. we had a convo about it just over a week ago and he promised to do better which is good but i feel the damage is there. anyway, i have very bad rocd in terms of cheating. like me being unfaithful. i constantly avoid other men and interacting with them. like i won’t even walk past them. even opening the doors to delivery drivers give me sm anxiety it makes me sick. i don’t go on social media after a certain time incase i message someone and don’t remember. so last week i had a party, and my fears were still there bc i knew other men will be there and i did avoidance still. but there was a moment when i was taking pics of my aunt and a group of guys walked past me and the attraction felt so real and different to all times before, even the GR. i feel so disloyal even typing this. i feel like i cheated. and im scared that bc this attraction was there (maybe fueled more by the ocd) what if i stepped towards the guys when they walked past? i know i didn’t make contact bc id feel it and id know (even tho im doubting this) but im scared that i stepped towards them out of the attraction which is scaring me so so much. like if i did i cheated right? my friend said no. but i feel so sick. i also feel like feeling the attraction was bad, it felt intense but this may have been ocd mixed in? idk? but then the other part of me is maybe i felt like that subconsciously bc of the issues with my boyfriend? im not sure, i feel very confused at the moment. i have the biggest urge to confess but im scared. i think im more scared because of the times my bf has spoken about other girls etc and he’d do it more. bc one time he said he’d do something with another girl if i did something and after he felt bad when he said it but i feel like its really impacted my nervous system. do i confess? did i cheat?