Hey guys need some support, have a serious life decision coming up and ocd is rearing it’s head. I’m down bad and seriously considering ending it all. I just could use some support.

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

I usually try to stay positive. But the past few days it’s just been hard for me. I just find it really difficult for people in my life to understand how debilitating ocd can be . It feels like people belive I should be able to do more or be just be over it by now. I honestly need support but I don’t really feel like I have it in my daily life. Recently my ocd has just been really big on contamination. To the point where my house feels like one big trap. I’m trying to get better but I feel like no matter how much effort I put into getting my life back. It just feels like I’m in quick sand…not getting anywhere. OCD has taken so much away from me. I just want my life back. I’m trying my hardest. Ugh It’s just been tough. The outside world hasn’t felt safe for months so it’s caused me to isolate and now my own place doesn’t feel safe. I’m just struggling tbh. I just neededto let that out and be vulnerable tbh 😕

Can I be honest? Im kind of panicking rn. Im exhausted and scared of everything constantly. I haven’t left my house in the past 3 ish months because my ocd perceives everything as a threat. Especially everything outside of my place. Tomorrow is a big day. I’m gonna go out for the first time with an old friend. But I’m so scared. My ocd is already thinking of all the “what ifs” and my heart is racing. But I’m going to push through it because my ocd has taken experiences, time, and happiness from me. I’m just tired of it and I really gotta draw the line somewhere. And i feel like this is where. I really can’t let it take me away from people I care about and care about me. But it’s terrifying even though I know it’s irrational. It doesn’t make it any less scary. Honestly I just need some validation, words of wisdom, or just encouragement. No one in my life really gets what it’s like to have ocd. Idk if you feel called to comment I appreciate you. But if you don’t and you made it this far. Thanks for hearing me out 🫂