The fact that Im googling to see if that Im feeling numb towards my partner and that Im scared because I dont feel anxiety anymore so Im thinking my thoughts are real and that Im feeling that my partner is not real is normal could be considered as a compulsion? I think Ive been going through the backdoor spike for almost two weeks now and I dont even know what to feel anymore

What you’re doing is called a checking compulsion. And the fact that it causes you to worry (ie thought spiral) means you’re still suffering from OCD. The thing is, if you really wanted to leave your partner, you wouldn’t imagine it happening and then check to see how it makes you feel and then get a lack of anxiety that confirms you want to leave. If you wanted to leave you’d think: “this person is terrible, I’m unhappy, and I don’t want to put up with this anymore. Leaving will be hard but it’s the right thing.” You wouldn’t need to imagine and test yourself to make sure. You’d have an active feeling, not a lack of response to an imagined scenario.

It is a compulsion

It’s a compulsion and definitely the backdoor spike. Not feeling anxiety anymore always sounds like it’s such a great goal and that it will fix everything but really it just creates more questions and worries once you’re there. Keep up the work, your journeys not over. Sit with the anxiety you feel about feeling nothing rather than googling. Your instincts here are right, keep it up.

What if I dont always feel anxious about not being anxious but rather I just feel worried about it? because I get worried about not being anxious about not feeling anxious when I get the thoughts if that makes sense

What’s the difference between worried and anxious to you? Maybe by anxiety you mean the more physical side like shaking, sweating, difficulty breathing. And worrying is just more thoughts. If you’re in a thought spiral and can’t get out, even if it’s not provoking physical anxiety, it still seems like you’re engaging in a compulsion then. If you can’t just acknowledge the thought let it pass by without meaning, you’re not done.

Well I perceive anxiety as the physical symptoms, but worrying just as not being comfortable with something or fearful of something without the anxiety. So for instance, I think about leaving my partner but I dont feel anxious, so Im like ok but why am I not anxious? so that thought comes to my head without anxiety. So Im like alright but why dont I feel anxious when thinking about not being anxious?so I basically just get worried about that