MushroomStew

Date posted: 2y

Please help

I feel like I'm turning into a monster. I can't even look at people's POCD stories anymore because I always get a voice in my head saying that I don't have that and that I'm actually a sick person. I tell myself over and over again that I'm not a monster, that I can't be a monster but I feel like I'm lying to myself. When I see any trigger now I feel weird chills and my heart begins racing, I feel extremely panicked when that happens but now I feel like it's because I actually like those thoughts and secretly want to be a creep. I'm freaking out so much writing this that it's getting hard to breathe. My greatest fear is that I'll snap one day and lose myself. I don't want that to happen, I never want to be a monster. I don't know if any of this makes sense, I don't know what to do. I don't feel sane at all. I keep thinking I should just kill myself, but I always think that and can never go through with it.

ocdhaver22

Date posted: 2y

this is genuinely what i feel like and then i sit and think wow what if you don’t have OCD at all

Hersheydog1!

Date posted: 2y

Don’t kill yourself. We’re here to help and want to help, and you deserve to live. So many people are also in your situation and you’re not alone. Call that crisis number if you need to, please stay with us ❤️ much much love

Hersheydog1!

Date posted: 2y

Please feel free to talk to me also I am here for you

MushroomStew

Date posted: 2y

I feel so disgusting and evil. My mind keeps looking back into my past to try and find anything that confirms this, there isn't anything, but now it's like my head is twisting stuff that happened that wasn't bad into something bad. It's like it's saying I thought this in the moment when that thought didn't even cross my mind. It feels so real that I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know why this is happening. I've had thoughts like this before, but it went away in like a week, I don't know why it's so strong this time

Hersheydog1!

Date posted: 2y

@MushroomStew I hate to ask cause you might have heard it so many times, but are you on meds/seeing a therapist?

MushroomStew

Date posted: 2y

I'm sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable, I know that you are dealing with your problems as well, I don't want to end up triggering or upsetting you in any way

MushroomStew

Date posted: 2y

@Hersheydog1! No, my parents won't pay for therapy because they don't believe in it

Hersheydog1!

Date posted: 2y

@MushroomStew You’re not! I do have my own problems, but it helps for people like us to talk to each other fs

Hersheydog1!

Date posted: 2y

@MushroomStew NOCD therapy is likely the cheapest option tbh, if you’re able to have a job and afford it, I would recommend going that route

ViolaTruck

Date posted: 2y

Hey, it's okay. My first ever OCD was POCD and while I was going through it I said pretty much every thing you just said to my therapist on multiple occasions. I screamed and shouted at him and told him he was wrong and that I was a danger to kids. 3 years later, I'm now fully confident that I was not, and never have been, a pedophile.

Wes01

Date posted: 2y

Do you have anyone you can reach out to about how you’re feeling? This sounds like a true crisis and you should probably call 988 if you’re in the US.

MushroomStew

Date posted: 2y

My entire family would disown me if they knew how I was feeling and maybe they should. And it's now like they would pay for therapy anyway since the don't believe in it

Wes01

Date posted: 2y

@MushroomStew This is a neurological problem. Even if they won’t, if you are considering suicide you should take the step to call 988.

MushroomStew

Date posted: 2y

@Wes01 I'm not in the US, and even if I did use my country's suicide line, my family might find out. They would get very angry and push me to say what I'm thinking, then they would hate me. They are very against this sort of thing. If I get discovered I'm done

Hersheydog1!

Date posted: 2y

@MushroomStew You are infinitely more important than that situation in hand, friend. Please don’t hesitate to ask for help

Wes01

Date posted: 2y

@MushroomStew This is temporary, and you need to get the help you need to get a better handle on these thoughts. These thoughts are not you. It’s just OCD making you feel horrible.

AnonymousOne...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w

I don't know what's happening...

I feel like the thoughts are telling me, "You want this, you want to be attracted to kids" when I know that's not the case. I've been stuck ruminating for the past couple of days and I'm so worried about this disorder convincing me that I'm something I've never been. I try not to fight it, but when I don't it feels like I'm giving into it like it's true. The meds I'm on keep me from being super depressed, but it's still there. I feel like I'm going to act on my thoughts one day and it worries me. I don't feel like myself anymore and I don't know if this is progress or a relapse. Even when having intercourse with my partner, I had to thought block because the thoughts were images while in the middle of it. Then afterwards, they came flooding in saying that I was doing it as a distraction. I don't know what else to do. I try to pinpoint all of my triggers, but sometimes I don't think I even have any. I feel like a monster. I'm honestly scared.

Catlove9

Date posted: 23w

I need guidance or to feel like I am not alone

I was doing so much better with my OCD. I thought I finally figured it out. However, the last two weeks have been a nightmare. It’s like I went from 0-100 all over again. And it’s become scarier than it ever has been. Every other thought is either causing me anxiety or turning into an intrusive thought. Any headache or feeling of derealization, and I start to spiral. My thoughts are becoming more gruesome and feeling more real. The intrusive urges are so bad it feels like at any moment I could actually just snap. It feels like I am about to go crazy. Another hard aspect is when I’m getting these intrusive urges it feels like I want to do it or I don’t care if I do it. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like this disgusting monster who is just going to lose it and I want it to be over. Why is this happening when I was finally better? It makes me feel like it’s not OCD and I’m actually this person and I’m just holding my true self back. I’m sick to my stomach.

Imnew@this

Date posted: 15w

I feel like a monster

(21+ ONLY: TRIGGER WARNING) I honestly feel so overwhelmed by my thoughts—so overwhelmed that I honestly don’t care anymore. I feel like I’m accepting the fact that I’m a monster and have always been a monster. I broke down last night because of these thoughts but I wouldn’t tell anyone if they asked. It wouldn’t make sense to them. This morning, I was watching a body cam video and the person that was arrested was traumadumping about their past SA. I felt like I liked the thoughts and images I got from it. And instead of being disgusted, I let it happen. What does this mean? Does this mean that I’m a monster? Am I a just a monster in disguise?

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