Bisexual OCD?

@anxiousmollusk That’s a really good point, about the urgency to change something fundamental about your life. I kept feeling like *officially coming out* as bi or dating women on the side were the only ways I could stop finally feeling this way. But I realised the goal posts would always just shift; I could never reach that elusive state of feeling being at peace. I suspect that for people who are finally learning who they are, there is a huge sense of relief. I envy them!

@anxiousmollusk P.S. I’m sorry it’s been so tough for you these past few months, hope it gets easier soon!

@Anonymous Thank you, you too! And I feel the thing about the goal posts just shifting. It feels like many times a day my brain wants me to imagine a hypothetical scenario where I’ve changed it all and that I’ve somehow achieved peace that way— but it isn’t what I want. I wouldn’t call it ego dystonic but the fact that it opposes something I really enjoy having in my life (ie my relationship) seems to support ocd latching onto it. So I understand your sentiment about thoughts not being necessarily unwanted, but maybe mismatched, or carrying a greater sense of meaning than they need to?

@anxiousmollusk Would you mind posting a link to the article, btw?

@OCDeezeNuts https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/bisexuality-so-ocd-the-invisible-so-ocd I think this was it!

@anxiousmollusk Thank you!

@paigekatelyn Oh my god yes, the whole “patriarchy” thing kills me because I am also convinced it is true! Like society has taught me to seek out the approval and sexual desire of men, and now I can’t entangle my real desires from those that have been implanted in my head (def a major element of mental contamination here at play too). I guess the whole point is that nobody can ever know with 100% certainty that a part of who they are hasn’t been somehow influenced by outside forces. But you’re right, it is so hard to properly internalise that…

@Anonymous I have had the same thoughts! Ugh! I try to at least see how often I’ve ended up with genuine feelings for men that are still in line with dismantling that patriarchal feeling— like my current partner and biggest college crush were some of the biggest feminists I know, yknow, to the extent that they could be. And I know growing up I was so preoccupied with not falling into stereotypical “girly-girl” trends and still had crushes on boys regardless. What did you mean about mental contamination??

@anxiousmollusk I really fear thoughts that might end up in my head that I haven’t vetted or explicitly accepted as my own. I went through periods in my life (before I even knew OCD was a thing) where I was terrified, for example, that I might join ISIS if I read too much about their radicalisation tactics. I only recently learned that contamination OCD can apply to mental contamination, and realised that was 100% what was going on for me. So I guess in this instance, I fear the idea that someone (society) has “told” me who to be attracted to, and has been so surreptitious and so convincing about it, that I don’t even see those forces at work. Sounds insanely paranoid but there you are!

@OCDeezeNuts I think I understand. Maybe I’ve felt a similar thing, where I’ve heard something from an outside source and that not being able to “un-hear” or read about something, even if I have had my own opinions of it in the past, means my perspective on it might be changed forever. I think that’s similar to my fear in this instance too—that my brain is about to disregard the validity of the feelings I’ve had my whole life because I’m learning how much other peoples’ and my own experiences might have been guided or biased by patriarchy. Does that sound right? Sigh..

@anxiousmollusk Yes, 100% right. And the more you think about it the further down the rabbit hole you can go. Honestly so reassuring to hear your experience matching up with mine though, thank you!