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I feel so pathethic. I'm supposed to be better now. My kbt therapy is over and I'm on medication and my OCD is better and everything's better but I'm still so stressed I can barely function. I'm transfering to another school because I can't take it anymore, but that means moving away from my boyfriend's apartment and back home. Because I can"t eat only rice anymore because if I don't eat well enough my stomach issues act up. They're probably stress related. I felt like I was having a heart attack and had to ride an ambulance. Not that I was actually in danger. But I thought I was and it was the only ambulance in the area. What if someone got hit by a car or something during that unecessary ride? It was just gastritis. Gross. But it felt like I was dyinf. And since I struggle so much with making food for myself my parents need to help me with it. I'm 17. I feel like a huge baby. And I'm supposed to be a functioning person after all those hours talking with doctors and stuff. And I have to go back to school to return all the books and it'll be the worst walk of shame ever. I couldn't take it. So fucking pathethic. I was trying to eat dinner with my family and my brother started making loud car noises and I asked him to stop because my head hurt (he's 15, ot wouldn't kill him to stop) and he and my mother kind of exchanged glances and and mom told me to go away so that they can be allowed to live normally. She didn't mean it as worse as it sounded. I'm autistic and I know it's extremely rude to ask them to accomodate me more than they already do, but they're so fucking loud for no reason. Just because they like to make noise, I guess. It's not even that I just 'dislike' it, but it hurts my ears and I've told them so. But they won't stop screaming at each other, the TV. It feels like my existence clashes with the existence of everyone who cares about me, and I'm just in the way. I don't know how to stop taking up so much space. I hate being like this. I don't know what to do with myself

Username: Dee CDee C

Date posted: 1y ago

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I am a parent of a young adult with ASD. Please take the following in a lighthearted way - I would love the world to tiptoe around my child but realistically, it will not. I often try to show my child tolerance on so many levels and at times, I fail. Oftentimes I remind my child to tolerate themselves and maybe they will tolerate others. So please try not to be so judgmental against yourself and those around you. The world around us is going to continue spinning and we’re just here for the ride. Hope this helps you!

Username: OCD is ://OCD is ://

Date posted: 1y ago

Yeah, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I was so upset when I wrote this post and I feel a little embarrassed. Rationally, I know my mother doesn't see me as a burden at all. She's said herself that we're learning to live in the same space again after living apart, so of course there will be trial and failure. And I'm really thankful that my parents are so willing to help me with changing schools. They're incredibly supportive and I feel bad about getting frustrated, but I guess the frustration is really directed more at me than at them. And I'm also very torn between missing my childhood and wanting to feel independent. Turning 18 feels terrifying. I want to be a kid again and have my parents hug away all the hurt, but I also kind of hate feeling spoiled, which is hard to avoid when my parents help me clean up or cook, even though I'm incredibly thankful for it. I guess all these feelings are rushing in at once now that all my time and energy isn't spent on OCD anymore. It's kind of bittersweet, really. But I do have an amazing family and I love them very much. It's a bit easier to think about the good parts when I'm not crying anymore. Either way, thank you very much :)

Username: thrutheweatherthrutheweather

Date posted: 1y ago

There’s a lot going on in your life right now so the stress is warranted. I’d prompt you to be kinder to yourself… as adults or adolescents were allowed to get frustrated & cry. Quite often you’ll feel immature for doing it but that shame has no place because you’re allowed to feel those things. You’re allowed to need help.. we all need it. My family help me do washing and remind me of things because I forget (I more than likely have ADHD/ASD myself) sometimes I feel pathetic but you’ll notice there are things you help them with too! 😊 - Have you tried noise cancelling headphones and do you have any stims you find help soothe you? - Sadly the world will keep on keeping on the way it is… but there are ways we can learn to navigate it but being kind, gentle and patience with ourselves is a massive part of that.

Username: OCD is ://OCD is ://

Date posted: 1y ago

Such comforting and kind words... thank you so much for taking the time. I feel a lot better now and am a bit ashamed of the post, but your reply makes me want to not remove it so that I can come back and read your comment again :) also it makes me feel a little less embarrassed about all these feelings. Thank you very much! For the suggestions, too :)

Username: Nails Nails

Date posted: 1y ago

Ear plugs?

Username: mummers

Date posted: 5y ago

*venting* I’m so tired of life. I just woke up, and I feel like going back to bed and sleep until this nightmare passes. This week has been one of the hardest of my life. I don’t think I can face another day of intrusive thoughts, fear, anxiety. I need some moments of relief, but there are none. I wanna have a life again. Anxiety and obsessive thoughts have killed my social life, my ambitions and desires, my happiness. I’ve been fighting for the past 6 months for nothing. I don’t see any improvement. I’m on day 3 of Lexapro and of course i can’t tell if it’s gonna work for me or not. I’m on the first stages of ERP therapy and I still haven’t got any assigned homework to work on, which I really need because I need to feel like I’m doing SOMETHING to help myself with ocd and Gad. I just hope someone could just take out whatever part of my brain isn’t working properly and replace it with a new piece. I don’t wanna feel like a burden to my family or boyfriend anymore. I can’t believe all the damage that I’m causing. I don’t know what to do with all this self hate. I don’t know where to turn to. I seem to have all the help that one could need - therapy, medication, support system. Yet I feel like I can’t spend another day living like this.

Username: mirandakj

Date posted: 2y ago

CW: fears of bigotry - I would feel absolutely horrible if I made anyone feel uncomfortable. I have no intention of minimizing the genuine trauma and injustice of oppressive systems. I beg of you not to read this if you might be insulted, and I apologize in advance for any potential harm my honesty might cause. I really hope it doesn’t. Also CW for anxiety about worthlessness/stupidity and lying/exaggerating diagnosis. Hey everyone. I want to start by saying that, if you’re only logging on for a few minutes, you don’t need to prioritize my post. I know many folks on here are in crisis and don’t have much of a support system, and I believe they need and deserve responses before I do. (I have a therapist and supportive family.) But I’ve been afraid to post on here for a few months now, and I’m finally doing it, though I don’t really know why, because it feels futile + wrong. I’m so terrified that I’m a worthless person in every way. I feel like I’m a disgusting bigot. I have horrible racist thoughts and I know I’m not sufficiently disturbed by them. I was diagnosed with OCD, but I feel like I’m just using this as an excuse when I am, in truth, an unforgivable monster. I’ve had therapists tell me that, if I was truly who I think and fear I am, I wouldn’t be so disturbed by my thoughts, but I just don’t believe that’s true, even if I wish it were. I know that these beliefs are evil because of the environment I grew up in, but wanting to be anti-oppressive doesn’t necessarily mean one is; anybody can hold bigoted beliefs, even if they don’t like them, and I feel I must pay attention to them and suffer as a result. I’m currently on leave from college and I know I’m going to have to go back because that’s what my parents want, but I truly feel I am a horrible person and I don’t deserve success or happiness. I feel I should suffer in perpetuity and be isolated from society; otherwise, I may forget how diabolical I truly am. I feel terrified that I’m exaggerating my suffering; that I’m not depressed or anxious enough and that I’m too easily getting through the day, which a good person with these thoughts or a truly mentally ill person never could, but that I’m not even afraid enough of being a liar. I need to be a good person and do the right thing, but I’m being forced into treatment, which I know is a privilege; however, I fear it will desensitize me from my horribleness, thereby making me even worse. I’ve tried so hard to believe I’m not this awful person, because I desperately don’t want to be, but I can’t delude myself when the evidence is overwhelming. I know that if these were just intrusive thoughts, I wouldn’t have the right ones sometimes and the wrong ones in other situations; I wouldn’t be able to so easily move past them, and there wouldn’t be exceptions to my horrible beliefs. I also know that I am a worthless person in other ways. I am so stupid, incompetent, and irresponsible. I don’t even know how to navigate getting around my city despite being 20, I lack common sense and basic knowledge - I am a horrible human being and I feel like I lied to myself for my whole life.

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Trying to get better cuz I haven’t been my best

I honestly do not know how to get through or do better anymore. I’m really hoping therapy will help, I hope ERP will help, but I’ve been so bad off for a while and it’s only getting worse. I hoped I could be okay during this weekend with my brother’s wedding and all, but having it in Vegas and and all kinds of things around me that were new and/or not my speed just wrecked me. I have snapped and I feel like im just lost. All the time. I ruined Thursday night when my brother and I had a fight. It’s okay now but I still feel the guilt (and ruminate on the whole thing). My friend that came with me is really worried about me because she feels like im getting more and more self destructive and when I told her about how bad the thoughts in my head were she was like “holy shit I love you and I’m here for you and I want so bad for you to get help cuz it’s scaring me how bad off you are.” But I don’t know if anything will help. For so long I was okay and I was going forward and I felt like I had a handle on myself and my mental health and instead I’ve backslid into this disastrous cycle of thoughts and like even through it could be just ocd talking (I mean the amount of doubt if I really have it or not is high) or if it really is all my fault. I don’t know. I don’t even know what shouting into the void will do. But im slowly feeling like I can’t function and im scared of going back to work Tuesday and I’m scared of trying to take care of myself even though im so tired of always feeling like everything is my fault and that I can’t do anything right and that if I do try to express myself I can’t do it correctly anyway so why bother. I’m just so tired. I was doing so well for a bit and now im just tired. Like I said. I don’t know if talking into the void of this app will help. I don’t know if anything will. But honestly it can’t hurt anymore than it does not trying *something* and I am so tired of how much I hate myself and my mind and my lack of function. I guess im just shouting into the void. Thank you for reading if you did and no worries if not.

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