Username: gp

Date posted: 1y ago

Looking for others similar - any thoughts?

I’m looking for others out there that might be similar to me. I was 25(m), infatuated with a new gf. I had a performance issue. Next morning I woke up with the FEELING that “you don’t feel anything for this girl”. And the anxiety that came with it. I felt sick to my core. Enter 3-6 months of obsessively figuring out why. It made no sense. I was infatuated with this girl, I was so happy, so confident, I could see such an awesome future with her. But once the feeling of “you feel nothing for her” stuck, I felt I had to break up. But why? During this 3-6 months it felt like I lost all positive feelings, like I could no longer be attracted to women (or anything). Nothing mattered except figuring out why I had lost feeling? I remember thinking it wasn’t fair that I’d been robbed of my ability to be happy and to love. Googling everything, asking friends etc. it consumed my every waking hour. During my obsessing, I had this random question - “are you actually gay?” Enter obsessively figuring out wether I was actually gay. I was 26. I had never even considered I was gay. I think I had crushes on girls, I certainly fantasised about them and was much more shy around them than guys. Put simply - I had never thought of a guy as anything other than a mate. This obsession changed to kind of “I FEEL gay”. It was/is like deep down I believe I am gay, despite never seemingly being attracted to guys before. I’m now 35 and this same obsession has been with me on and off. I’m now seeking treatment. Question - most of the online resources call out that ‘deep down’ you know you’re not gay. What if deep down there is a FEELING like you are? Can an obsession be a feeling? Can HOCD convince you that you ARE gay rather than just question? I’d love to hear anyone similar.

Username: ..anonymous....anonymous..

Date posted: 1y ago

This is essentially my exact experience with HOCD except that I’m still in college. In high school I suddenly I became obsessed with the idea that I might be gay, despite only believing I’d been attracted to guys up until that point. Every waking hour is spent analyzing my every feeling for girls and guys trying to figure it out. I’ve never found the “deep down inside” argument very helpful, because once these thoughts entered it was the “I am actually gay” thought consuming me, not “am I gay?” if that makes any sense. Now I find myself analyzing memories as far back as kindergarten to attempt to answer this question, but if anything it makes it worse. I thought I liked that boy in third grade, but maybe I misread my shyness? And that girl and I were best friends in elementary school, but did I actually like her and not notice? I also have always had a problem with the way HOCD is described. I’m not AFRAID that I’m gay. I just want to know what feelings are authentic and which I’m making up. I don’t want to be stuck in a relationship that’s not meant for me. I wish I could answer your question, it would make this a lot easier. I’ve essentially driven myself away from every potential relationship, even when there was no obvious reason to. I believe that yes, and obsession can be a feeling. I feel that I am gay, but all the obvious evidence suggests the opposite. I’m glad I found your post. This is such an isolating feeling, unless you’ve experienced it yourself it makes no sense. I’m wishing you the best, I know how hard it can be. Hoping there’s another side to this 😅

Username: gp gp

Date posted: 1y ago

@FerrisBueller123 The bit that hit home to me was your description of feeling gay, yet up until that momentary thought/question, didn’t even consider the possibility. It’s essentially - something keeps telling you that you are gay without actually having any attraction or evidence. It sucks

Username: VergeVerge

Date posted: 1y ago

Definitely. HOCD can convince you that you are gay, or any other sexual orientation that you currently identify as. I struggle with the intrusive sensations and groinal responses. This is the OCD convincing me that I was turned on by guys, while all my life I was always interested in only girls. The feelings can be obsessions, because you ruminate over them and need to figure out what this means. Hope this helps! -A fellow HOCD sufferer

Username: MarakiMaraki

Date posted: 1y ago

I've also had this presentation of OCD since I was 19 and I'm now in my 40s. You are describing classic hocd/soocd obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions can be thoughts, feelings, sensations and urges. People with OCD can't trust that felt sense of just knowing something about themselves, that other non-ocd sufferers can. That uncertainty and doubt is what makes the obsessions so difficult to let go and causes such distress. Glad to hear you are starting therapy - your job will be to learn to tolerate uncertainty and stop the mental compulsions, including trying to figure out and ruminating about if that 'deep down feeling' is a sign of something about real you or just OCD. Its challenging but ERP and a good therapist will help a lot. All the best. 🙏

Username: gp gp

Date posted: 1y ago

@Maraki Thanks :) I am really struggling with tolerating the feelings and just allowing it to be there. I.e. I literally have to watch coming out vids of people who realised they were gay later in life, and I have to just sit and watch it. Let it all feel like that’s me (despite not seemingly having any attraction/evidence) and let my mind just be panicked/anxious. How on earth do you do that?

Username: MarakiMaraki

Date posted: 1y ago

I just realised I didn't really answer your question. Tolerating anxiety it hard - therapists use a fear thermometer 10 being panic and 0 being calm. When you start your ERP exercise score how anxious you feel. Then continue the exposure and after a minute or two score again where you are on the fear thermometer. Keep checking in every few minutes and you will notice how it will come down over time. You can even time how long it takes to go down, like from a 7 to a 3. This is a really structured ERP exercise and you are being proactive in your recovery as well as being an observer of your own fear (rather than drowning in it).

Username: gp gp

Date posted: 1y ago

@Maraki Thanks you once again :) your advice is sound and mirrors my psychologist. I also acknowledge you may not be a psych etc but it’s nice to find people with similar presentations - especially when everything you read you find so much that doesn’t relate, which fuels it. how did/do you deal with how real it felt? Like it FEELS like you are gay without the evidence? Did you ERP that too? I.e. if that’s the thoughts or feelings you had, you just sit with it? Is the case study in that book? Did you ever (before or just starting treatment) believe you were gay? I get really stuck on believing my thought/feeling and then giving up. But because of how it’s all happened and the accompanying anxiety, it feels wrong too.

Username: ..anonymous....anonymous..

Date posted: 1y ago

@gp Jumping back in here with a follow up question for anyone with advice. I don’t have any (obvious) compulsions related to these thoughts. They just happen and there’s nothing I can do to make them go away. I was diagnosed at age 5 and have lots of experience with ERP, but I haven’t found anything related to erp that’s helped me get past these thoughts. The only advice I’ve been given is to accept/ignore them… but is there anything more specific or concrete I can do? @gp I hope this relates to your question as well

Username: gp gp

Date posted: 1y ago

@FerrisBueller123 Yeah it does in a way. And the generic advice seems to be that an experienced psych will identify what compulsions you are doing internally etc. but not sure that helps in this moment. I’m probably a bit luckier (wrong use of the word) Like, I’ve had this obsession for almost 10 years and in my case, I’ve had a lot of the generic compulsions (rumination, googling like mad, reassurance, checking attraction etc) so I guess there are some more obvious compulsions? Your question relates to me, I’d love to see the responses and advice :) On a seperate note - are there any active forums that help with this stuff? Like, I’m in Australia, have a psych, but the internet seems like a trap for anything sexuality/ocd. Is this app the only ‘accepted’ good forum?

Username: MarakiMaraki

Date posted: 1y ago

@gp Hi GP, it sounds the the 'real feeling' of being gay is the obsession at the moment and so you'd need to treat it as such. So the response would be 'maybe I'm 'really gay', maybe I'm not'. Before I had treatment I thought that I had turned gay and it felt really real. Maybe there was/is even evidence - like I kept checking to see if I was attracted to women then couldn't tell if I was or not. Now my brain registers masculine looking women before my eyes even see them and I get sensations in my body. Also when I compulsive scanned my teenage past I remembered thinking a school mate would be cute if she was a boy. So I've had to accept that these thoughts, sensations and worries exist, but I choose not to engage with them. I don't even look down the rabbit hole of 'what if I'm in denial' as I've done it before and it goes nowhere. At the same time I've had the same theme of obsessions for over 25 years and during that time I still dated, fancied and fell in love with people of the opposite sex. As I mentioned I still get the intrusive thoughts feelings sensations and urges sometimes but I just let them exist. It doesn't feel comfortable but I don't go down the route of trying to work out if I'm gay, 'really' attracted, in denial, or lying to my partner and myself. So my advice is just to sit with the 'real feeling of being gay', don't try to figure out what it means, and live your life according to the things that matter to you. Yes the case study is in that book. Kimberly Quinlan uses the example of a gay woman who worries she's really straight and is lying to her girlfriend. One of the things I have noticed is I used to get these urges to bring into my mind really graphic sexual acts and get a visceral sensation in my mouth. Once I realised that these were a form of obsession I was able to let go of the notion that because I thought them I must want them. Now I don't get them anymore. The same with the groinal responses - when they happen I know that they happen for all sorts of reasons, and they don't bother me anymore. If you are able to accept the the 'real feeling' is an obsession it will be easier to not engage with it. Do get your hands on Kimberly Quinlans book as she guides you on some super compassionate exercises on acceptance of your OCD and the distress it causes. She also helps you to think about what your obsessions are. It sounds like you haven't maybe recognised or accepted this 'real feeling' is another symptom of the disorder.

Username: MarakiMaraki

Date posted: 1y ago

@FerrisBueller123 Hi there, it sounds like you really want these thoughts to go away (as we all do!) but the treatment is not about making the thoughts go away. As humans we can't stop our heads from churning out spam, so your therapist advice to not engage with them is sound. I wonder if you're asking how to not engage with the intrusive thoughts? That's about accepting that you have OCD. OCD doesn't want you to believe you have OCD and so you worry that the thoughts are true and meaningful, but they are just spam. When they pop up, notice them, say hello again OCD, and don't try to figure out anything, just get on with your day. If you get anxious just let that horrible feeling of anxiety be there. Its sending out a false alarm that your in danger and is priming your body for survival. If you were a caveman in the presence of a wild animal wanting to eat you for lunch it would be helpful to be ready to fight or flee, but you are not in danger and you just wait for the anxiety to pass.

Username: gp gp

Date posted: 1y ago

@Maraki 100% I need to see the ‘feeling’ as an obsession. I think what smashes me is the fact all the common symptoms you read online are ‘thoughts’ and ‘you know you’re not gay’ - this obsession is obviously at odds with that. And I use that as evidence.

Username: ..anonymous....anonymous..

Date posted: 1y ago

@Maraki Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge, this is extremely helpful. I appreciate all the time you took to write these responses. Wishing you both all the best ❤️

Username: MarakiMaraki

Date posted: 1y ago

@gp Feelings are also obsessions. If you're on Instagram Kimber Quinlan and Alegra Kaskens and OCD and Anxiety do lots of OCD education and are worth following (not as a compulsion though 😉) Also there's a podcast called the OCD stories which interviews specialist and sufferers and there's lots of helpful psychoeducation there.

Username: MarakiMaraki

Date posted: 1y ago

Its really hard, and anxiety provoking. Although I rarely do compulsions now I still get intrusive thoughts, feeling and sensations sometimes and then just let them go without doing any mental compulsions. It takes practice, and it doesn't feel very comfortable but then the need to do the compulsion just passes and I can continue with my day. I don't have certainty about my sexuality but it feels more tolerable now - it certainly doesn't cause me the same high level crippling anxiety anymore, and I don't spend much time thinking about it. (And I have a partner of the opposite sex who I love and would like to marry) Your ERP would be to let whatever thoughts, feelings, sensations and urges that may come up be there without trying to make yourself feel better ie doing a compulsion. If you plan which compulsions you are not going to engage in first that can help. So that might sound like "ok I'm going to allow whatever thoughts, feelings, sensations and urges come up and I'm not going to try to figure out what they may mean". Then get on with something else reminding yourself not to go down that rabbit hole of trying to figure it out. There is a wonderful book by Kimberly Quinlan about self-compassion in ERP. I highly recommend it as a workbook to do independently or even alongside your therapist. There is a case study example of soocd which may resonate. I found it really helpful.

Username: AFord15

Date posted: 5y ago

Hello everyone. I was recently recommended this app by my therapist who I just started seeing for “HOCD”. I wanted to share my story and symptoms in the hopes that someone is going through the same thing and needs to hear it or can offer support. The onset for me was very recent, a month ago to be exact. I wasn’t in the best psychological state, I had a job offer for another company presented to me that I had the inclination to take but had a lot of anxiety and trepidation about. I spent days upon days worrying if I should take it or should I stay. Finally when I took it I was still in a funk and very indecisive and even regretful. One day thereafter I was watching a Video of an openly homosexual man doing a ABC news interview. To this day I’m not sure what caused it, but something about it caused me a lot of anxiety and I started thinking for some reason that I was gay. Now as a background, I live with my gf and we have been together 2 years. Our sex life the last couple months has been dormant to put it best and I had felt a detraction to wanting to make love. I found myself watching a lot of porn to get off which isn’t abnormal for me, it’s pretty regular. Once the symptoms kicked in I started panicking trying to force all the thoughts out of my head. That just amplified them and made it extreme. I couldn’t eat I couldn’t sleep I couldn’t work I couldn’t function. I googled everything under the sun and when I found out about OCD I instantly felt relieved. But then it came back, and I started to question myself even more. I go through the same mental loops over and over and over, constantly reassuring myself. Now, reading other people’s stories or even coming out stories they are so different From mine. Many people refer to past experiences or having thoughts of being with a guy sexually. I have never had those thoughts ever. I have been with a lot of women romantically and sexually and have never thought about another man, have never had the desire to be with a man in any way. This has caused me to rethink everything about myself and even times convinced me that I was living a lie. Fast forward to the day, I’m not sure what is going on or how to summarize all of this. I use to love watching sports listening to podcasts going to the gym and I do none of it anymore. I barely can keep my focus on the day to day especially when I try to work. It feels like my life is just trying to transform overnight and that it will never stop. I’ve reassured myself over and over and it’s like I can’t get out my own way. When I’m feeling good I’ll watch porn or fantasize about having sex with a woman and I’ll get hard. And still that’s not enough. It’s like I don’t even believe my reality anymore and my mind is trying to force me to be gay. I get headaches all the time especially in the morning. It’s like the first thought that pops in my head, “you’re gay”. I’ve been around many men in my life, even in my athletic days in college I mean you got half naked dudes in the locker room including myself-never in life have I ever had an intrusive thought or been attracted to any man. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m not even sure how to classify this-I don’t know if it’s generalized anxiety, overthinking, depression or HOCD. Any suggestions , insight, or recommendation would help. I’d like to have a clear head and be myself and enjoy my life. I’m a good dude and I have nothing against anyone of any subscription-including homosexuals. I’ve been around guys or girls who are whether in the workplace or seeing on social media and it’s all love. I am 26 years old. Thanks.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: hlm2

Date posted: 2y ago

Hocd

So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: gp

Date posted: 1y ago

How to stop believing the narrative SOOCD creates?

Question - my mind uses any trigger to prove I am gay. My mind kind of auto defaults to the ‘worst case scenario’. I’m kind of stuck in this mindset that I ‘believe it’, and if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be suffering from the ongoing anxiety. Do others have a similar feeling? Concern? Experience? I’ve been battling what I think is SOOCD since I was about 25/26. Literally overnight it felt like my brain broke. Infatuated by a new GF, woke up. Had the thought “you feel nothing for her”. Obsessive worry, figuring out why. Led to “you are gay”. I’ve been diagnosed twice by two seperate therapists, but as we know, it’s hard to believe you have ocd. Ultimately, I’ve never thought of men in a romantic way until my brain broke. I still don’t think I do, but I can’t stop being sick with anxiety that I have changed or that I’m lying to myself?

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