ROCD

It’s been around a week and a half since i’ve started having doubts about my relationship with my girlfriend. They subside at times when I’m not ruminating but then they come back and it’s all i think about. I’m not sure if coming on here to read other peoples feelings about their partner is reassurance seeking but when i do, it makes me feel somewhat better. The thoughts I have about my girlfriend put this negative feelings in my body that I hate. I’m questioning my attraction towards her, im questioning my love for her. Last night we talked about how she feels very disconnected from me and that we used to be so intimate together and have a strong desire for each other. I agree that that’s what it was like and that was also in the more beginning stages of our relationship. I too have missed our times when we were very intimate and passionate. But lately I’ve just had no sexual desire. Last night she also said she feels like one day, im going to have a talk with her about how I want to be just friends and that sent an intrusive thought in my head that maybe I do want to be just friends. I can’t imagine not having her in my life, I know that if I let my intrusive thoughts break our relationship, it will be my biggest regret. She’s very perfect for me, she’s funny, she’s serious, she’s mature, shes so intelligent, she’s beautiful in every way and we’ve both changed each other for the better. She’s everything I wanted in a partner. We get along so well and have so many things in common but now my brain is telling me i’m losing feelings for her and out of nowhere too. I quit vaping after being addicted to it for 4 years and that’s when i started having anxiety and doubts about my feelings. part of my intrusive thoughts tell me I was only ever excited to come home to her because she had the vape and i know that’s not true but I can’t help to wonder if it is. I love her dearly, but every morning I wake up holding her with this anxiety in my head telling me I don’t love her, I’m not attracted to her, I can’t be with her, i’m only with her because of how close we are and because she won’t have a place to stay if we breakup. But i know deep down, she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and she’s the most important thing in my life. My anxiety is attacking her solely because of how much I care for her and value her. I see people saying if you know breaking up will hurt them, that’s how you know you love them still but wouldn’t everyone feel bad breaking up with someone they promised everything to? I genuinely cannot imagine living my life without her, even though we’re only 19. I feel like she is my person forever, i choose her always and want nothing but the best for her. I know she just wants to love me and for me to love her but my intrusive thoughts get in the way of things she wants. I guess i’m asking how should I replenish our connection, have more intimacy, and best these intrusive thoughts?

Username: alexalenaalexalena

Date posted: 1y ago

When my thoughts get like this and I get that icky heart dropping into stomach feeling, I really try to imagine the alternative, like not being with my person anymore. And it always feels worse. I’m not saying to ruminate or anything, but some thoughts just don’t carry the weight that we think they do. We give them the meaning. So for me it helps to think, what would my life really be like if I called it quits, like is that what I really want? Nah, it’s usually just my brain bein goofy

Username: lilbilllilbill

Date posted: 1y ago

@alexalena that’s what i’ve been doing and it helps for a short amount of time then the thoughts flood back. thankfully some of my old thoughts went away through the help of podcasts but now i’m obsessing over my new ones

Username: Life is great Life is great

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Hey - I just want you to know you’re not alone. I’m a 28 year old person, whose gone through pretty much the exact same thing you have. Every little worry I had in my mind about my relationship, would almost blossom into a reality. For instance, I’d think “there’s no way this relationship is going to last. What if something happens in the future to end it?” I would then ruminate and ruminate, call friends for their opinions (which isn’t always the best), and then I’d talk to my partner. What would come out of me - would be something like “idk I think I need space” or “maybe this isn’t going to work”. I’d say those things even though deep down I knew I was madly in love with her. That I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else, that she really was one of the best things to ever happen to me. It wasn’t until I almost broke up with her, that a rational part of my mind yelled at me, and made me realize how I was sabotaging such a good relationship. For me, a lot of my anxiety came from a distorted view of relationships. I thought they were supposed to feel 100% perfect 24/7, when in reality - relationships flow like the ocean. Most of the time their great, but rough patches are normal and if both parties are willing to work on it, it can lead to a beautiful thing. I’d have some compassion for yourself, you’re only 19, and try to realize that those thoughts are just your pesky OCD. I really don’t want to provide too much reassurance, but reading your post, it’s pretty clear how you feel about her 🙂 You also realizing at a young age that those thoughts are actually OCD which is huge! I didn’t realize that until I was 28!

Username: lilbilllilbill

Date posted: 1y ago

@Life is great thank you. i’m trying to learn compassion but my brain is just a haze. Sometimes i start doubting that i even may have ROCD and this is how i actually feel but i know that’s the intrusive thoughts speaking. it’s just a complete change in thoughts than what i was thinking before these last 2 weeks

Username: lilbilllilbill

Date posted: 1y ago

I know this is long but if anyone could just read it and give some sort of advice, I can’t afford therapy and I’ve been listening to podcasts but nothing really sticks. i’m trying to accept my intrusive thoughts but i’m not sure how

Username: maritza11maritza11

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I went through the same thing

Username: lilbilllilbill

Date posted: 1y ago

@maritza11 did it get better? Are you still with your partner

Username: emme

Date posted: 5y ago

Hi there everyone, I’m really struggling with obsessive thoughts over my relationship with my girlfriend. Everything was going so well for the first couple months and one day I started doubting - ever since then I’ve been trying to combat thoughts that our relationship is doomed to fail. I used to love my girlfriend, now I keep getting intrusive anxious thoughts about breaking up with her and scrutinising her appearance. I spent a few years struggling before with HOCD but I’m free of that now, now I feel I’m heading into a spiral of obsession over whether on not this relationship is right. I don’t want my girlfriend to suffer and loose faith in me whilst I act all weird around her. How do I stay present to her and cope through it? Thanks

Username: Sapphic Soph

Date posted: 4y ago

This is so long ah I’m so sorry. I’m really just trying to get all my thoughts out/ see if anyone feels similarly/ and what they’ve found helps. I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD, but I’ve looked into it a lot and feel that I might have ROCD. (I was once diagnosed with anxiety, but didn’t keep up with therapy because my parents weren’t keen on it.) Now I really want to invest in it to get a formal diagnoses/help, and I’m going to start looking into that. I’m scared that this isn’t ROCD, and I’m truly just in the wrong relationship, or not actually in love with my partner. But then sometimes I’m certain it is? We’ve been together for a year and a couple of months, and it has been wonderful. She makes me feel so loved and so understood. She is my best friend. But this summer when we were on break from school I started getting major doubts once I’d found out about ROCD and some of my thoughts lined up with it’s description. I’d already started to have doubts before the summer. She is the first person I‘ve slept with, and it took a while for me to have an orgasm, and that made me freak out and start to question my attraction towards her/our compatibility. Every time we’d have sex I’d worry over this. (Though I also think it has to do with me not knowing what I wanted/what I liked in bed) Our sex life got better but I still had obsessive thoughts. I have them daily - “what if I don’t love her” or “what if this isn’t the right relationship” or “should I be dating someone else” When I’m with her I’m constantly checking. If we kiss, I’ll analyze how it feels (or how it doesn’t) and the same thing goes for when she compliments me or says she loves me. I’ll say I love her but something in my brain will say “but do you really?” Honestly, I’ve gotten to the point where when I think of her or am with her it makes me so anxious. I literally feel it in my stomach and chest. It’s so hard to deal with. I can’t make it stop. I think part of it is that I’m anxious that I’ll feel anxious/start to have obsessive thoughts, so I get anxious? I just want to be able to think of her and be around her and not feel so scared and anxious and always checking. I feel like my anxiety isn’t letting me truly experience my relationship.

Relationship OCD

Username: 91876321

Date posted: 2y ago

ROCD, or am I just convincing myself?

I should start by saying I have never been diagnosed with OCD or any mental disorder, but I’ve been researching ROCD per my girlfriend’s suggestion on and off for 6+ months now, and all of the symptoms and descriptions have hit home for me. However, I worry that I’m using ROCD as an excuse for continuously convincing myself she’s enough for me. The core of my fears is finding others attractive, and more attractive, than her — when I see a cute girl, or someone with features I naturally desire, my ruminations/episodes begin. After that it doesn’t take long to lead to doubting the validity of the entire relationship, and whether I even love her at all or want to be with her. It doesn’t help that we go to a university, so I’m inevitably surrounded by attractive people constantly. My main fear is that I’m settling for her appearance, even though I’m attracted to her and, truth is, I think she is hotter than me. And I feel like I tell myself that the only thing wrong with her is her appearance, because she is everything I want otherwise (personality, compatibility), but she’s just not my physical type. Every time that these fears and doubts build up from rumination, we talk about it. The end factor is that it almost always ends up being a result of intrusive thoughts. In fact, the last time we talked about this (about two weeks ago), we had makeup sex and I had an intrusive thought of a particular girl that’s in one of my classes. I did everything I could to purge this thought so I could enjoy the moment, and eventually it subsided — but I found myself “checking” by opening my eyes and staring at her throughout for reassurance that it’s her I want. I then told her about it right afterwards because of the massive guilt I felt, and she was a bit less understanding (rightfully..). We’re now at a breaking point, where she loves me and I’m pretty sure I love her, but I’m still having these doubts and I don’t know what to do to deal with them. I am convincing myself that they are significant and important because of their consistency now that it has been 8 months of us dating. I have told her I need time to think about this and figure out what I want, and I know this is destroying her, so I need to decide to break up or not now, because I can’t stand knowing she’s going through this. At what point am I just fighting this “gut feeling” because I know I’m settling, or is it just ROCD lying to me because she is so important to me?

Relationship OCD

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