Username: kaio16

Date posted: 1y ago

i need to bond with someone with harm ocd

i have friends, i have a amazing gf and mom, a good family, my gf and mom know about my ocd, mainly my gf, she knows about my problem and also dont give me reassurance at all (which is the right thing to do) still, i never felt that hopeless like im feeling rn, i never felt so wrong like im feeling rn, im feeling alone, like my case is special and im some kind of upcoming killer, i dont know who i am neither remenber my values, i cant afford a therapist rn... i swear im trying my best but ocd is not giving me a single moment of peace.. it has come to a point where all i think trough my day is about the harm thoughts and if i want them or not, i cant enjoy playing during midnight (which i loved tho) because i hate being alone with someone vulnerable while they are sleeping and im awake in the house, i hate living like this, i haye feeling like this, i want my life back, i want myself back

Username: AliciabernsteinAliciabernstein

Date posted: 1y ago

I'm sorry to hear about your father. And bullying is horrifically bad for self esteem. I also have been a cheer up person and struggle with the unfairness of having ocd. Your sensitivity is an asset. And sometimes falling apart can lead to enormous growth and finding beauty in community. Sending you lots of light

Username: kaio16kaio16

Date posted: 1y ago

thank you for talking with me, im feeling less alone

Username: AliciabernsteinAliciabernstein

Date posted: 1y ago

@kaio16 🥰 good bc you're not!

Username: AliciabernsteinAliciabernstein

Date posted: 1y ago

I go through this sometimes soon. A great reminder is to always remember that the things that tend to pop up as intrusive thoughts are often actually the things that are most antithetical to who we are (aka you are very far from being a killer). You're not alone in experiencing this and the thoughts will pass if you observe them and let them go. Try the insight timer app for some meditation tips 🙏

Username: kaio16kaio16

Date posted: 1y ago

i definitly will, its been so hard you know, i have been fighting for my life since as a child, since i lost my father by age 3 and suffered bullying during 8 years straight, i was always the cheer up guy type who tried to make everyone smile, it feels so unfair to go trough this

Username: jacivyjacivy

Date posted: 1y ago

I can 1000% relate to you. Feeling like a monster and not being able to escape the thoughts all day and being afraid to wake up because they just keep coming back. My harm is mostly focused on my daughter and I’m constantly worried that if I told my family they would want to take my daughter from me. Or that she can somehow “sense” my thoughts and she feels unsafe with me and she’s be better of living with my ex. It’s horrible feeling trapped in your head with thought that make you feel disgusting and like a horrible person. I guess the only silver lining is that it’s a constant reminder that you are NOT your thoughts. And your thoughts aren’t true. What you truly are is not the body or the mind… kind of existential but it helps sometimes.

Username: kaio16kaio16

Date posted: 1y ago

i know, it feels like a struggle to aknoweldge that, i hope that you can enjoy life again with your daugher, its a great thing to still know you love her, my harm ocd tends to make me question myself if i love my mother and everyone it targeted on

Username: Scc08Scc08

Date posted: 1y ago

I feel your pain. People always call me bubbly and nice, and harm ocd (well i hope it’s harm ocd…) has broken me into pieces 😭 I just constantly feel like i can’t trust myself, and keep looking at past events to think about whether I actually would hurt ppl or myself physically😭 it’s so painful to go through this! Just wanted you to know you are not alone!

Username: kaio16kaio16

Date posted: 1y ago

i feel your pain, pure o is the worst kind of ocd because you never have a quiet mind moment, i hope we can overcome this

Username: Jak71Jak71

Date posted: 1y ago

Hi 🙂 I’ve struggled since childhood with this theme. I have had three breakdowns due to the horror of ocd 😭 I feel personally speaking, it’s like being in a nightmare at times. I’m scared of my thoughts and myself. Then a little respite then it is back. I’m practicing ERP so hopefully that will work

Username: kaio16kaio16

Date posted: 1y ago

im so sorry to hear this, i got harm ocd like 4 months ago, but i believe i had missdiagnosed death anxiety ocd since 3 years old, it is painfull

Username: Jak71Jak71

Date posted: 1y ago

@kaio16 I’m sorry for what you are going through x

Username: Ocdlife123Ocdlife123

Date posted: 1y ago

Hi how are you feeling now? Im still experiencing this and its become to a point that i dont see the point anymore if im a upcoming murderer in the making 😓

Username: kaio16kaio16

Date posted: 1y ago

hello, i'm doing way better than the time i posted this, thought the doubt didnt went away yet, im can switch my attention to other stuff way easier

Username: Ocdlife123Ocdlife123

Date posted: 1y ago

@kaio16 Amazing news! Can i ask how you got there x

Username: kaio16kaio16

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anon16789 tbh i couldnt afford any proper terapy, so i meet some youtubers which knew a lot about ocd, vids from chrissie and nocd where a amazing resource for me, what rly helped me was doing self ERP with some books i read, like overcoming harm ocd, it was a amazing book and rly openned my eyes to some stuff. i wouldnt recommend to you do self erp without a pro on the ocd subject, but in my case i didnt have any other options

Username: kaio16kaio16

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anon16789 doing things to maintain you occupied also helps a lot too, like playing games or doing art, like i said i still suffer from the same doubts and have the same thoughts (also new ones) but its all the same monster, all i did was forcing myself to not try to figure out the meaning, felt scary, still does, but the only way out is throught

Username: Ocdlife123Ocdlife123

Date posted: 1y ago

@kaio16 Thats good avice thanku! My ocd is at a stage now its telling me i dont fear the consequences if i do this bad thing, its fighting back and making me truely believe i want to do these horrible things! So scary i hope one day i can get over this too

Username: heiz

Date posted: 5y ago

I’ve never been the type of person to open up about myself but these last 3 months have been the hardest, worst time of my life. I’m 16 years old, and I’ve been anxious and had anxiety my whole life. Over the last couple years I’ve learned how to cope with my anxiety and be a happy person. But one night in January, i was watching random videos on YouTube, and a video about serial killers came on. I’ve always been interested in crime shows/documentaries, so I didn’t think twice before deciding to click on it. In the middle of the video I had this intrusive thought that said “why do people murder loved ones or innocent people” and “what does it feel like to kill somebody” I am not aggressive, or have ever caused harm, but these thoughts scared me to death. I felt a instant shock of anxiety and panic immediately. I thought something was wrong with me. I turned my phone off and went to bed hoping the next day I would forget about it. Unfortunately I never forgot about the thoughts, and still have intrusive thoughts that affect my day to day life. I feel so hopeless, even after seeing a therapist, and being on Prozac for 5 weeks I don’t feel a difference. Every time I try to be positive and tell myself “they’re just thoughts” ocd tells me, “yeah sure, but what if you did these things”? “What if you WANT to do these things”? I stress that I might actually want to do these horrible things secretly and am convinced that one day I will commit these crimes. I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel so hopeless, and even being around my girlfriend who used to bring me so much joy, I still can’t be my regular self. Please I feel so hopeless and sad I can’t even do the things I used to enjoy, remembering I have these thoughts is with me 24/7 from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep. Anybody have advice? Sorry for the rant I just needed to get this off my chest. I just want to be normal again and enjoy being around my family and my girlfriend again

Harm OCD

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 3y ago

Hey y’all i need to know if someone relates to what I’m going through. I feel almost like if I wanted to act on my thoughts but I actually don’t because this doesn’t please me at all. So if someone told me “You have Harm OCD” I would be like “really? So I don’t wanna harm people? Neither am I capable?” I have no clue why would that be my answer when I haven’t desired anything. But somehow it makes me feel like I do, and consequently makes me feel like I’m in denial. So it feels like if an unconscious part of me wants to do it but I am just resisting. I literally can’t go anywhere, I don’t wanna live any second more, because I feel so disturbed all the time. I feel like I’m gonna end up doing it, I feel so overwhelmed by these feelings,thoughts, images, urges, that I would avoid everything, like going anywhere. I hate feeling like this but I feel like there’s no way back, i can’t picture myself being good in the future because I feel like “this is what i want” when it’s not. I feel like it’s a time bomb for me to do something. I do not tolerate this, every minute that passes by I feel it closer to happen. I feel like I’m gonna collapse and act on it. I don’t even know if that’s what I want, but I don’t think it is, I think it just feels like it. Help I don’t know what to do.

Harm OCD

Username: faye

Date posted: 1y ago

I’m feeling horrible.

I find myself questioning things I’d never question about my life. I’m thinking I’ve actually been driven to contemplate these dark things because my ocd has pushed me over the edge. So it’s kinda that my intrusive thoughts have come true. It’s not fair! I feel super hopeless, then I get scared that I felt that way then the ocd kicks in and I start contemplating things like “it’s all hopeless I feel I am going to carry out (insert violent thought here).”. I don’t get it guys… I don’t have the money for therapy right now so crisis chats and this is my best option. I’ll definitely say ocd and my poor sleep bug habit are what has pushed me to these depths. What I don’t get though is I’m not inherently violent, I thought I was always a hopeful person on the inside, I don’t have depression. That and I love my family, I don’t want harm to come to them but the moment I get the hopelessness it makes me question wether or not it’s worth it. I’m living my worst nightmare. By the way I’m not dangerous, I don’t have any deficits in empathy what’s wrong with me. I’m in denial, I can’t believe I’m capable of genuinely thinking these things. Oh and then I have this suicidal spiral. I’ve had suicidal ocd but now I think it’s also partially true since I’ve been in such a dark spot. I know they say that if you’re not comforted by the idea of sleeping forever it prolly means it’s just ocd and well let me say it’s not comforting. Back to back I’m like “do I want to kill myself? Am I feeling that? Will I do it?” And I feel so hopeless that the thought comes in but no I DONT WANT IT. So it’s like half ocd and half my mental distress. But lord no I don’t want it and I don’t want to live in a reality where I contemplate it. Someone just help me… Why are my emotions so intense I question these things? Ocd is involved I know but I’m telling you this hopelessness had made me contemplate things that ocd wouldn’t typically do. I don’t have personality disorders or any other mental illness. HELP ME!

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