Just went to college today and it was horrible. I kept getting thoughts about killing people. It hurts so much. I’m home crying idk why. I’m sobbing. I’m jealous I can’t be like the other people enjoying they’re college lives. I wanna be happy again. I wanna die so badly but I don’t wanna leave my mom and dad or anyone I’m scared I’m a serial killer. I can’t even enjoy college. I feel like I enjoy these thoughts. I read about other people saying how they still recover yet from Harm ocd and it’s giving me even more anxiety. I wanna go to a concert of my favorite singer and I’m crazy to go there. But I can’t because I’m a murderer. And I deserve to be in jail. Idk what to do please help me. I don’t wanna leave my mom. I can’t breathe and I can’t manage to fail my classes either. It’s so hard.

It took a couple of years. I very well could have beaten it faster if I’d had better resources, but it was a while before I even knew that it was OCD that I was dealing with. After I realized what was going on with me I did a lot of reading on OCD to educate myself on what it was and how it worked. Eventually I did get therapy for it, and while it was helpful, I would 100% recommend seeing a specialist if you can. I probably would have seen better results more quickly if I had. OCD is highly misunderstood and you’ll feel more comfortable talking to someone who actually knows about it, and they’ll be more equipped to help. Ultimately what helped me most was a combination of things. First, I mediated every single day. Learning to meditate helped me separate my thoughts from myself and just observe them. This helped them feel less of a threat and helped me accept the thoughts and just let them exist in my head without freaking out. If you want to learn to meditate, I personally have always used the Calm app. There’s a free version and a paid version. I have the paid version now, but I didn’t when I was dealing with Harm OCD and it still worked just fine. I also read the book “Brain Lock” by Jeffery M Schwartz. This utilizes the Four Step technique for OCD, and I think it goes well with mindfulness and meditation. If you can’t buy the book, I’m sure that there are plenty of online resources that describe the Four Steps. Just try Googling “four steps ocd” and I’m sure it’ll bring up something informative. Thirdly, I started jogging regularly. Exercise really helped me get my anxiety levels down. I would strongly recommend it. My therapists also helped, mostly in that they kept me accountable so I stuck with my treatment. Like I said, they were not specialists, and if I could do it again I would have gone with one, but they still helped. If you can, I urge you to seek out a therapist, preferably someone with OCD expertise. If you can’t afford that, though, don’t lose hope. You still have resources. Ultimately, I beat Harm OCD mostly without therapists. I don’t recommend it, but it’s doable. Ultimately all of these things helped me to accept the thoughts, accept the doubt, and accept the uncertainty. OCD was demanding me to be sure that my thoughts were not true. But OCD was also never gong to let me be sure. I had to accept that and try to move on. This was extremely difficult and stressful. But I did. And eventually the thoughts went away. So that’s essentially what worked for me. Maybe it won’t help everyone, but it definitely saved me. Personally, I never went on medication, but if you think it might help you and you have access to them then go for it. Also, if you get discouraged by reading about other people who haven’t overcome Harm OCD, keep in mind that this does not mean people don’t recover. It’s just that people that haven’t are far more likely to write, post, and talk about it. For the most part, people who have gotten over it don’t feel the need to post about it. So it’s not that they don’t exist, they absolutely do, it’s just that you’re less likely to see them. Anyway this ended up being a really long post. I hope it was helpful. Best of luck to you. :)

I have felt this way in the past. You will get through this. You are not what your thoughts say and deep down you know that because you came here to share it and because you are still working to get better.

Naeun, my heart goes out to you. You are going through a stressful time and have a difficult health condition. Are you a murderer or are you a compassionate person who sometimes has disturbing thoughts? You get to decide. OCD tries to make us forget this fact. You get to choose how you behave.

It’ll be okay, you’ll get through this ❤️ Remember that thoughts are just thoughts and they mean nothing. Everyone gets intrusive thoughts, they just don’t attack fear to their thoughts. It’s all about fear. Your actions define you not your thoughts, you didn’t kill or hurt anyone you just thought about it, there’s a huge difference. Go to the concert and live your life despite the fear. You don’t have to just cope with ocd, you live despite it.

Take some time for self care tonight. Do something that makes you happy. Try to think of 3 good things that happened today.

I’m trying so hard my first psychiatrist appointment in on Wednesday Luke the thoughts felt so real as if I enjoyed it. I’m still crying. It’s still been a year and I’m can’t do this. I can’t even tell my parents I’m so scared. Sometimes I try to let the thoughts stay but urges feel so real and sometimes I don’t even guilty when I think about harming others. I don’t even want meds. Idk if I’ll ever be cured. One day I feel good next time I feel 10000 X worse. I’m scared I’ll never recover.

And all these articles of people saying they still have not recovered from OCD is even giving me more fear and less hope.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You are not your thoughts!

Well you need to recover by doing the work. Create a fear latter and start mocking off each fear until you become less anxious doing the task. Then move on. When it comes to harm thought you are prob avoiding things so start getting back into those situations.

I try that trust me I have pure O so I don’t have cumpulsions but it’s so hard. I get them randomly and sometimes I don’t get anxiety towards them. Which makes the urge to do something violent even stronger

Totally get what you’re saying. Just have to keep pushing and reminding yourself it’s the ocd. If it has to deal with the theme you struggle with you need to disregard. You have worked this ocd up so much that your mind is throwing everything it can at you to see if you react. If you react with fear your ocd gets worse but if you don’t over time it gets better.

You will get through this. Harm OCD was one of the hardest experiences of my life. But I got through it. It is 100% possible to recover from Harm OCD. I did. I still have OCD, but I was able to overcome that obsession. POCD as well. It’s entirely possible. Remember that these are just thoughts and they are not a threat to you or anyone else. They are loud, but that does not make them important. You will get through this. ❤️

@ghoslty can you please tell Me what you did and how you did it? How long did it take ( I know it’s diff for everyone ?) did u take meds? I’m scared thank you love u for answering me

Omg I love you!!! Yeah meds scare me I wanna try ERP! When you mean specialist do you mean like someone who is a therapist under OCD? And how do you meditate? Thank you so much! One last question how long have u been free of these thoughts and do the violent killer thoughts ever come back randomly scaring you?

Hi Naeun - I suffer from Harm OCD as well and went through some of the worst things it could throw at me. For me, the inspiration on Shannon Shy’s Facebook page “OCD Can be Defeated - I’m living Proof” changed how I approached the disorder. I recommend checking it out - I think you will relate to it. I know I did :)

I mean a therapist who has experience with and is trained to handle OCD. You’d be surprised at how many people, even in the field of psychology, don’t really understand it, so you’d be better off finding someone that knows what they’re talking about. I found mine just be Googling “OCD therapists near me.” That pulled up some listings on the Psychology Today website and I found my therapist there. (This will be my first time meeting with an actual specialist). I meditate using the Calm app that I mentioned before. You can also access it online at calm.com. I learned by going through their 7 Days of Calm program first, and then using their timed, guided body scans. I did this for 10-15 minutes every day. Eventually as I got better at it, it really helped me let go of my intrusive thoughts and not react to them as strongly. Like I said there is a free version and a pay version, but you really only need the free one. I’ve been free of Harm OCD for probably a year or so. The thoughts come back only very rarely, and when they do they don’t scare me. I just let them go and move on. They don’t last long either. Maybe a few seconds at most. I suppose it’s theoretically possible it’ll come back again, but even if it does I’ll be okay. I beat it once so I know I can beat it again if I need to. You can too. :)