- Date posted
- 2y ago
weed
i had to quit smoking week almost a year ago due to how much anxiety i would get with my rocd thoughts. i never knew it was rocd until this past january and i always thought my “high self” was just telling me the truth and i would brush it off. every time i smoked, it would be immediate thoughts, “i don’t love her enough” “do i even love her” “she loves me more than i love her” and the anxiety i felt thinking those thoughts was so painful, thinking i was realizing the truth. but when i wasn’t high, i was totally fine. it would always make me think, how come i could smoke freely with no anxiety and talk to whatever person i was seeing at that moment? and i think i recently realized because i was in a state of limerence with just about every girl i talked to before i got in my first relationship with my current girlfriend. or maybe because my girlfriend was the first girl that i liked that liked me back and the fact that she was so into me was really alarming to me. i remember being high one day and we had only been talking for about 2 weeks or so at the time and she confessed that she really likes me and was being so nice and sweet to me (it was what i had always dreamed of someone saying to me) and for whatever reason my first thought was “she hasn’t even met me in person yet, how can she like me so much? she likes me more than i like her” and i guess i was kind of weirded out by how into me she was. it’s funny to me that i’ve always wanted a girl to love me this way, be so affectionate and healthy and loving towards me and as soon as i have that, my brain tries to doubt my feelings and my love. i think it really shows how ocd will try to come for something that’s so good for you and just tries to sabotage it all