How do I stop being taken advantage of by my neighbor?

ADVICE, PLEASE

I need advice. ASAP. I am a person who doesn't know how to say NO, when someone is taking advantage of me. I have a neighbor. She has 2 kids. She only calls me when her kids need me to help them with school work. I've known her for 8 months. She promised to pay for my help, but she paid me only for 3 out of 15 lessons. And she knows very well, I am alone here, I am looking for a job and that there were months when my husband wasn't able to come to me for the weekend because we had no money. It was super hard. She didn't give a damn. Well. to be fair, she did offer to lend me money, which I never would, but didn't pay me for the work I had already done. I don't get it. She is not interested in me, when we talk and I talk about sth in my life, she looses attention after a minute or two. As some of you might remember, my birthday was at the end of April. We communicated on the same day by sms/ text messages. She wanted us to get together for an ice cream or coffee. I told her, I was short of time, because it was my birthday and my cat's birthday, and my husband was coming home from the other side of the country and I wanted to get things nice and ready. But, I still promised to find half an hour to see her. I knew she was only interested in what had happened with me and a certain woman she knows ( I was looking for a job, but refused to take it, because a woman who works there started bullying me even before I had my second interview with her boss. And the bully is my neighbour's older son's private instructor). Now she was curious to get all the juicy details. I found the time, but she cancelled or postponed it for another day. Sth came up for her, I guess. But what hurts is, that she didn't say happy birthday to me. Not on the day,not after,... Not by a text message, not by a phone call, not in person,... It's been 2 weeks. Nothing. She had birthday only 2 months after we met. I was struggling to get by. After paying the rent and expenses, I hardly had money for food for my 3 cats and me. There were days I was hungry more or less. But I went and sold sth of mine and bought her a birthday present and expressed my best wishes to her. Half a year later, I didn't even get a text message for my birthday. NOCD members wished me well, she didn't. Today, just now, she called. She sent me a message she needed me. Her younger son needs help for school and her older son broke or twisted his leg and she needs someone to talk to. OK friends. I've been told, that part of the reason I have developed my ocd is my low self esteem, lack of confidence. That's why people walk all over me. I am there for everyone, noone for me. That's why, people who hurt me, become the focus of my ocd obsessions. One at the time. What do I do now? Do I run to her? Do I offer my shoulder to cry on? This is what my soul, my heart, my empathy tells me to do. But then there is the other side ( call it my ego or just the need for self-respect) which tells me, don't be the idiot she thinks you are. I know she's manipulating me, but since I have never had any support in my life from Noone, I don't have the heart to refuse support to anyone. Please, what would you do? She's waiting for me to call her. I would appreciate your input. I hope someone answers. Peace of mind and soul. Have a beautiful day.

Username: Caitlin1692Caitlin1692

Date posted: 1y ago

Thank you :) Small steps can have a big impact. You can gently and politely say “I’m sorry, I can’t help you right now.” You don’t have to justify why or come up with a reason. Short and sweet! If the relationship is important to you and is worth putting effort into, being honest about how you feel is a must. But if the relationship isn’t doesn’t feel safe enough for you to be honest… Is it a relationship worth keeping? Good luck with it all and remember to keep treating yourself like you treat others!

Username: Caitlin1692Caitlin1692

Date posted: 1y ago

Having an ego is not a bad thing, in fact it’s needed for protection. It’s trying to protect you in this situation. You already know the answer but you’re struggling with the discomfort of guilt. Give yourself permission to set a boundary. You can feel guilty about it but give yourself all the support and nurturance you would give to this person to see you through.

Username: NODANODA

Date posted: 1y ago

Hello. Sorry for not answering earlier. I wasn't notified by my phone that someone answered me. What you wrote to me is like opening up a closet with a mirror locked in it that shows the truth. Nothing but the truth you were not ready to see or to admit. Thank you. Yeap. Both you and Caitlin are right. I am shaking and trembling inside a bit, because I am admitting to myself what has been so clear to me for a while, but just didn't want to accept or admit it. I have been rejected by my family, relatives, friends,... you name it. Ocd has devastated my life. Now whenever I meet a new person, I kind of expect they wilI use me and drop me, because that's sort of a trend I guess, but I just do want to feel like I was guilty for them not finding me interesting enough for their standards. Yeah. I have a husband. And that was it. Up until a month and a half ago when I discovered NOCD. My parents didn't give me love, support, self worth. And now, at the age when I am older than my parents were when I ran away from home and never went back, I have found people like you who are teaching me my own self worth. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, SOUL, MY BEING. I know what I am to do. Love, gratitude and best wishes. 🙏😇🤗❤️

Username: Lean.Into.it Lean.Into.it

Date posted: 1y ago

@NODA You got this NODA! I promise there are people who will appreciate the REAL you. People pleasing and contorting ourselves for others in an act of our own fear and shame is NOT our authentic self. Get in touch with your authentic self and begin living life from that place and you will see dramatic shifts. It’s not easy, but it does work. I have a decent amount of fulfilling relationships now and I will say that almost all of them do NOT involve any of the level of guilt, shaming, and manipulation present in my other relationships. Most of my friends respect me and don’t talk down to me. If they do something that makes me feel bad I tell them - ideally on the spot, and they respect what I say and change their behavior. I promise you it wasn’t always like this for me

Username: NODANODA

Date posted: 1y ago

Caitlin, first of all, you have a beautiful name. Secondly, You hit the nail right on its head. I realize that now, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. She is one of the two people I am in touch with since I moved here. The other one is a lot older, 69, and we don't have much in common. But the older one is a better person. How do I set the boundaries? How do I let the one in question know in a polite way, that I am more than just a doormat to walk on? Thank you for your help. I really appreciate it.

Username: NODANODA

Date posted: 1y ago

🙏. Thank you. You just did your good did for the day. 😊. You have taught me something. I will try the approach and see how she takes it. It's up to her to show me if she is worth keeping in my life. She doesn't know it, but I will. Your last sentence will be, at the back of my head at all times. Thank you so much. All the best to you. 🤗💖

Username: Lean.Into.it Lean.Into.it

Date posted: 1y ago

OMG, please please please drop this lady from your life. I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry, I don’t like to use the word “toxic,” but she clearly is. I was so touched by the fact that you literally SOLD items to buy this lady a bday gift. Honestly I don’t know many people who would do that for their best friends or family members. I honestly don’t think I would do that for anyone except for my child (if I had one). My point is- you’re clearly a beautiful soul, and caring person, and she clearly is not, at least not at all with you. She doesn’t deserve one more second of your time or attention. You don’t owe her anything. And that’s a lie that you don’t have support from anyone, i don’t know you but even in this thread you’re now getting support from people. You don’t owe this woman anything. She has gotten along fine her entire life without your help. Maybe I’m wrong, but I would VERY much challenge the idea that your “heart” and “soul” is what’s telling you to run to this woman. Speaking from my own personal experience dealing with people like this, it’s usually tied to my own guilt, shame, and fear of abandonment that would have me “running” to them. Definitely definitely not my heart and soul. Maybe my “bleeding heart,” but yes that too is often (if not always) tied to some form of guilt I have. I can “love” someone from a distance. I can wish someone gets the help they need without my involvement. My heart and soul I’ve found also LOVES me, and loves me A LOT. It wouldn’t intentionally lead me in situations such as this.

Username: NODANODA

Date posted: 1y ago

... don't want to feel like. Correction.

Username: Lrose

Date posted: 6y ago

Hey guys, just wanted a bit of advice as I’m sure my friends are sick of me constantly asking them for reassurance and to be there for me. I use to be very close friends with this girl who had kids with a complete an utter nasty piece of work, anyway when they were together I was friendly with him as he was with my close friend and that’s only right, even though most people despised of him, I never see the bad in people. Then when they broke up he came to my home a few times to chat and for advice, which I gave him, he then tried it on with me sexually and I obviously declined in which he didn’t like, I then had the decency to tell me friend the mother of his children and it back fired on me for trying to be the good friend by telling her the truth, she then took his side in which I lost all respect for her as I was trying to do right by her for telling her what had happened as o hate things like that on my mind. After this he came to my house and threatened, send me a whole load of abusive threatening voice notes too like the vile human he is because of course he got found out. I drifted away from her because of the situation and clearly trying to do the right thing was the wrong thing, we have briefly spoke since this happened a few times within the last three or so months. This caused me to have severe ocd and have the worst paranoia, I don’t want her in my life, I don’t even have her number saved but today she turned up at my door unexpectedly just to ‘pop in’ although I don’t want anything to do with her, the whole situation makes me feel ill, makes my ocd bad and bad paranoia. What can I do?

Username: lou47

Date posted: 5y ago

Hello there. I haven't been on here for a while as I have been free from my ocd. However the last few weeks I have had it creeping back. A person who I thought was a friend turned out to be absolutely vile and has preyed on my ocd to try and make me ill again. She has told friends about my ocd who never knew about it....fortunately these friends have looked it up and completely understand. My ocd wont however let me stop thinking about what she said to my friend and I am obsessing about this horrible vile person and what she has said to others who dknt know me that well. It is bringing my 'p' ocd to the forefront of my mind again. I know it is my thought processes but throughout my life I have always worried what others think about me and this person knew that. She has lied and lied and has said I am this terrible person with a black heart. I know I am certainly not but I still cant stop worrying what she has said to someone who hardly knows me. I know this shouldn't bother me but it does. Is this my ocd working overtime? She said that people laugh at me and call me loopy louise which I know they dont but I really dont caring they do because I laugh at it to. But because I had the very disturbing paedophile thoughts she said to someone that I think I am a peado. This friend told me straight away and has since fallen out with this awful person. But I cant stop thinking about this constantly and what others might think who dont really know. This person I have since found out after 25 years of knowing of her has actually been a terrible person to her children when they were growing up and stole thousands of pounds off of vulnerable people. I dont know why this is bothering me as all of my friends who care about me know about my ocd and understand. I just cant seem to get this horrible person out of my mind. It didnt bother me until she tried to bully me and then sent all of the texts I sent her years ago when I divorced my husband. He told me he knew she was nuts but it bothered me when he said she said some disgusting and vile things about me. This has so upset me. Just wondered if anyone can give me any advice . Btw my ex lived with my ocd for years! Thanks for listening. Just need some support from others with this horrible disorder. Xx

Username: watertilt

Date posted: 3y ago

I have a question.. I think my friend has ocd.. but obviously I don't want to diagnose or like make her uncomfortable but she does ask me for ALOT of reassurance i noticed of whether she is a good person and /or whether the thing she did will make her sick.. and her hand washing has reached a point where her skin is cracking... What is the right thing to do here? I am happy to reasure her if that's what is good for her but I do clearly from the outside see that she's in a loop... So am i enabling her? .. I obv don't know if even she actually has it.. cause she's never been diagnosed or even thought about it.. But I don't want to cause more harm.. idk.. I'm just getting concerned.. shes been living at her parents who are not the best people.. and has not gone outside even in her yard for fear of the neighbours breath coming in her yard.. and i feel like she's getting worse... Idk what to do.. feels like it's none of my business except that she always gets her reassurance from me.. o.o Thoughts?

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How do I stop being taken advantage of by my neighbor?

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