Memory troubles?

Hi there! Yes, I’ve been there and done this. I thought I needed to write down exactly what happened just in case I started to doubt. I thought it would be helpful to write it down so I could refer to it later in case I started having false memories. But, for me, that was a compulsion. In a way, it was a form of mentally reviewing the situation. I also felt like my memory was getting worse and worse. And, then I started to doubt what was written in my journal. It was a panic cycle. I had to stop journaling. In a way, it was signaling to my brain that my intrusive thoughts and false memories were dangerous. If I went to my journal to review the situation, it would only provide momentary relief. Instead of letting the thought pass (light a cloud in the sky), I would feel like I needed to react to it and make sure it wasn’t real. Something that helped me is learning to how keep moving forward instead of looking back and reviewing my life. If you like journaling, maybe turn it into a planning session - write down what you are excited about in the week to come. I have to remind myself that even though I would like to record my entire life so I can check later, I know it will only make my OCD worse. Don’t worry - your memory is just as good as it ever was. It’s just part of the doubting disorder. You will get better though!

This was an issue for me some many years ago. I spent hours staying up late and writing down every detail I could recall, and writing the time down every single time I finished writing. If the time changed, i had to write another time down. It went on forever. The only thing that helped me was when my parents took away the book I was using to write with. It was really difficult at first but eventually my mind forgot it. (Then, I was a kid and didn’t have much access to other things to write with (like on technology), so it may not work as well these days, but it’s worth trying.)

Oh gosh I can relate to this in lots of ways. I actually have a good memory but ocd makes me doubt it. At the start of my ocd journey I’d ask for so much reassurance from my husband, before we knew it was bad, and I’d find myself writing notes, bullet points from the answers he gave me. This resulted in quite a collection of notes. The idea was if I doubted my memory of what he said I could refer to them, which I often have. The problem is I then start doubting if I’ve read them correctly and have to re-read them. I’ve also become paranoid that someone else may find and read them which fills me with anxiety. I actually want to destroy them now but am scared that my ocd will go through the roof and I’ll get worse. I’ve also recorded conversations/reassurance on my phone for “ emergencies” ( ie compulsions). I’ve realised that all this is doing is telling my brain I can’t believe it or trust my memory. It’s very very hard to stop though.

It’s great actually talking to someone who understands this. It seems so illogical to me let alone anyone who doesn’t have ocd. I find things improve for a while but my brain always comes back to the scenario I’m stuck on at that time. I carry on with life as normal but with a nagging feeling that I should be sorting it all out in my head. It feels dangerous to just leave it. They talk about accepting uncertainty. I believe it’s not about that but accepting that we are unable to “ feel “ certain even when things are certain because we have ocd.