PLEASE READ THIS!!! This is for all of you who developed OCD from some form of abuse, bullying and PTSD. I really hope it will help you to shut that disgusting OCDs voice cause it did help me a lot. It took me 27 years to finally realize it is not my fault. I blamed myself for EVERYTHING. Someone accused me of being stupid. I believed it. Someone said I'm worthless. I believed it. Someone accused me of cheating, and guess what? I believed it and developed a false memory OCD. I ALWAYS DOUBTED EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF. Through my entire life I strongly beleived I was crazy, neurotic and too sensitive. But, guess what?? After almost a year of suffering from OCD and almost a year of blaming myself, critising myself and hating myself I realized I AM NORMAL!! PEOPLE AROUND ME DECIDED TO MAKE ME THEIR PUNCHING BAG, ABUSE ME AND THEN AFTER I DEVELOPED HORRIBLE ANXIETY BECAUSE OF THEIR ABUSE THEY MADE ME LOOK CRAZY!! I WAS THE ONE SEEING THERAPISTS WHILE THEY ALL CLAIMED THEY'RE "COMPETELY FINE AND NORMAL". All I wanted was love and understanding. Nothing more, nothing less. That was exactly what I gave to them. But it was never ever enough. And with years it left me feeling drained. Like I am just an empty souless body. They took everything from me. I gave my heart, my soul to the people who only wanted more and more and more... This is how I developed OCD. It is conected to PTSD in my case. I wrote this because if anyone here is in a similair situation, please just know: YOU'RE NORMAL. THEY ARE NOT. STOP BLAMING YOURSELF, IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT YOU WERE MANIPULATED AND USED. Your OCD is THEIR VOICE! JUDGING, HATEFUL AND CRUEL! You deserve love, you deserve happiness and kindness. IT. ISN'T. YOU. IT'S. THEM.

I don’t think anyone will read this. I’ve never posted before, but felt that i just had to let this out. I don’t have anyone to talk to. My mother barged into my room whilst I was about to take a shower. I told her I wasn’t dressed, and to come back at another time, but she ignored me. “I’ll keep my eyes shut I promise” she said, I insisted again for her to leave. Then she looked, laughing. She looked on purpose. This seems really small, I understand that. But it isn’t to me. It was really triggering. As someone who was sexually abused as a child, and having experienced my boundaries pushed & crossed in relationships throughout my early teens: I’ve always felt that my voice doesn’t matter. That my body can be treated however, and I have no say or power to change that. That I’m not worthy of respect, clearly. My mom doesn’t know about the sexual abuse I experienced 12 years ago, but she should know how to show basic decency. Why doesn’t she respect me? What did i do to be treated like this, along with the other cruel things she’s done to me. Yelling, throwing things, biting me, leaving bruises and scratches. When i’ve been the only one there for her to rely on during her mental health struggles, how could she tell me i’m “just too difficult to love”? I don’t think I’ll ever know. I feel weak for saying this, but this incident has lead me to relapse in sh and that has made me feel worse. I’ve been clean for ages. I feel really terrible right now, but it felt good to let this out. Again, I don’t know if anyone will read this but, if someone has gotten this far: I want you to know I love you. You are worthy of respect. You are not a doormat. You are not weak. And you are going to prove them wrong, every single person who doubts or disrespects you. Because you are way more remarkable than you have ever thought.

I believe I’ve always had intrusive/OCD thoughts. When I was younger I always repeated phrases because my brain went “if you don’t do this your whole family will die” but it wasn’t anything too bad. However, when I was 15 I entered my first relationship. I had divorced parents and didn’t know what love was - so it ended up being abusive and I did not know. He forced me to disclose all the people I found attractive as well as all the “unpure” thoughts I had. He deemed fantasizing cheating - which I respected - but also caused for a lot of intrusive thoughts to make me freak out. He also gaslit me and accused me of cheating for the lightest things (gave my cousin a side-hug) and prohibited me from getting male friends because he thought I’d cheat (I’ve never been unfaithful or even flirted w another man. I’ve always had strong morals about it) I believe this trauma is what made my ocd what it is now, since I’m used to being accused for stuff I didn’t understand or have control over. I believe that understanding OCDs roots allows me to heal because it reminds me that I could exist without this thoughts and still had a good moral compass.

This is simply advice that helped me and in no way am I qualified to tell you what to do but only to relay my experience. Please speak with your therapist first and foremost. - ERP: You need it and it feels so amazing when you have someone help you along the way -whatever your brain is telling you that you do not deserve to do (exercising, eating (in general or healthily), skincare, dressing nicely, your favorite hobby, etc.) JUST DO IT! will you be riddle with guilt? yes. will it feel sooo wrong? yes. Will you feel anxious? yes. Please just take care of yourself and think of it as an exposure because I think it is! Refuse the conditions of OCD. If that doesn't convince you, do it for the younger you, the five year old you who dreamt of so much. Do that hobby and activity they would love for you to do - Listen to music and consume content with meaningful and uplifting messages. This is for everyone and especially those of you compulsively researching OCD and whatnot and watching videos and all that stuff. Don't get me wrong OCD knowledge saves lives, but when it becomes all consuming its doing more harm then help. Try to take in content (non-compulsively) that is uplifting and positive. Not to necessarily make you positive but to give your brain happy content- feed your brain the stuff you want more of. This is kind of silly but I love listening to the Spirit movie songs by Bryan Adams- they're kind of badass. -Think about and visualize a future that is full of hope. Ok hear me out. Whenever I would think of the future it would be dark and scary which is terrifying but normal with OCD and especially with depression. As I get better whenever I think about a future but on my terms and with everything working out great, I would feel great and then awful thoughts would flood my brain. This scared me and it still does but I realize that avoiding thinking about a positive future was a compulsion for me (you might not relate to this because its kind of niche and that's ok) -Stop monitoring how you feel. I deal with this more as I lean into recovery. I notice OCD sneaking in as scary feelings. Feel them but ignore diving deeper. Remember your brain has been fixated on a scary outcome for a long time so of course we will get the thoughts and feelings and all that stuff (Don't think about a pink elephant!). Your brain lies whether that is a thought, image, urge or feeling. It will do anything to 'protect' you aka, make you do what you are convinced will make you feel safe which are your compulsions. Resist it all-continue doing what you normally do even if you feel like the most disgusting and horrible person. Like Dory says "just keep going" -Stop monitoring how recovered you feel and stop trying to feel 'perfect' or 'just right'. Just live and go through your day doing what you value no matter what you feel. This is SO hard, it's so much easier said than done but you can't get better if you are obsessed with getting better. Look out for this OCD sneakiness and mention it to your therapist. -Gratitude. Be grateful for whatever good you do have no matter how deserving or undeserving you feel. Be grateful that OCD resources and help is becoming so robust in our time. Be grateful if you have people who support you. Be grateful for your therapist. Be grateful for every single good thing. Even be grateful for your brain! I know, I know, but think about how it's just an organ and it thinks its doing its best to protect you even if it is being supeeeeerrr not helpful. -Focus and help others. This can be hard especially with themes like Harm OCD and POCD but I know how it feels. Focus on how much your sibling would appreciate you helping them with their homework instead of focusing on how terrifying it would be for you with the onslaught on negative thoughts. Think about how much your dog would love to go on a walk and explore the world and not on how awful you will feel doing it. I did it and I know you can. -Stop waiting to love and respect yourself before you do things that will help you love and respect yourself. Stop waiting until you feel better to do what you love. You build self love, trust, and respect by continuously and purposefully doing what you love and what you value. -Stop the internal whine. Ok, listen I am not trying to invalidate how absolutely debilitating this disorder is, but I realized for myself that the internal whining I had about this was keeping me stuck. "why me!" "I love my family, I love children, I love animals, etc., why did I have to have this obsession?" guess what it would stick if it didn't matter. How do you make someone do what you want? By threatening what you love most. It sucks but thank goodness you are tough. You are strong and absolutely capable of handling this disorder. But you won't know this until you try and until you do what it takes. -Accept it all. The thoughts, images, and every part of this confusing and even traumatic experience. Accept that you have OCD and that comes with constant doubting and upsetting thoughts. Accept and find some self compassion for your torment. Accept even when you think you possibly can not. Acceptance helps you detach from the thoughts and creates space for it to be there with out determining who you are and what you should do. This are just some things that continue to help me through OCD recovery. Feel free to ask question below but not reassurance because I will not give it. I love you all so very much (yes even you who thinks they are the exception and thinks that if I knew what they thought it would not apply to them, especially you!!!)