PLEASE READ THIS!!! This is for all of you who developed OCD from some form of abuse, bullying and PTSD. I really hope it will help you to shut that disgusting OCDs voice cause it did help me a lot. It took me 27 years to finally realize it is not my fault. I blamed myself for EVERYTHING. Someone accused me of being stupid. I believed it. Someone said I'm worthless. I believed it. Someone accused me of cheating, and guess what? I believed it and developed a false memory OCD. I ALWAYS DOUBTED EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF. Through my entire life I strongly beleived I was crazy, neurotic and too sensitive. But, guess what?? After almost a year of suffering from OCD and almost a year of blaming myself, critising myself and hating myself I realized I AM NORMAL!! PEOPLE AROUND ME DECIDED TO MAKE ME THEIR PUNCHING BAG, ABUSE ME AND THEN AFTER I DEVELOPED HORRIBLE ANXIETY BECAUSE OF THEIR ABUSE THEY MADE ME LOOK CRAZY!! I WAS THE ONE SEEING THERAPISTS WHILE THEY ALL CLAIMED THEY'RE "COMPETELY FINE AND NORMAL". All I wanted was love and understanding. Nothing more, nothing less. That was exactly what I gave to them. But it was never ever enough. And with years it left me feeling drained. Like I am just an empty souless body. They took everything from me. I gave my heart, my soul to the people who only wanted more and more and more... This is how I developed OCD. It is conected to PTSD in my case. I wrote this because if anyone here is in a similair situation, please just know: YOU'RE NORMAL. THEY ARE NOT. STOP BLAMING YOURSELF, IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT YOU WERE MANIPULATED AND USED. Your OCD is THEIR VOICE! JUDGING, HATEFUL AND CRUEL! You deserve love, you deserve happiness and kindness. IT. ISN'T. YOU. IT'S. THEM.

Common posts on here are "i had a thought" "why am i thinking this" "what if" and these are all OCDs way of making you doubt yourself while taking you round and round in never ending circles at the same time. Regardless of the theme you are facing, there is no "figuring out" or "making sense" of a thought, because it isn't a real situation - it's a passing word or image or scenario without any meaning attached. You can't control your thoughts and the more you "don't want to have them" the more they will appear. For instance, tell yourself not to think about "apples", it will be the first thing that comes to your mind, because that's just how our minds work. Once you categorise a thought as "bad", every time it comes into your mind, your anxiety level will go up and this makes the thought seem real. Because if it "Feels" this bad, surely it must mean something or must have happened - But none of this is true. All we have to do is naturally notice thoughts as they come up, and rather than try to assess or ruminate over the content, we can almost shrug them off. It's the only way to accept thoughts as simply thoughts and nothing more. Anxiety drives the intense feeling and the more attention you give to thoughts, the more power they have over you. No random thought can change your real intentions. OCD is never ever satisfied, so the only way forward is to accept the uncertainty of never knowing "for sure" and to class the unwanted thought as irrelevant. OCD says "quick..bad thought..feels horrible.. what does it mean.. fix it". But in reality there is nothing bad here or nothing to be fixed, it's a false alarm. Once you learn to respond to a thought calmly by working on anxiety, it gets easier over time. It's your perception of your thoughts that needs to change, you believe they mean something about you, but random things pop into our heads all the time - both things we like and things we don't. OCD also latches onto what we care about most and it always comes with a feared consequence, so think about what yours is, e.g "what happens if my worst fear comes true" you can then practice imaginal exposure which is imagining your worst case scenario over and over until you become desensitised to it and no longer fear it - therapists use this technique in sessions. Everyone in the world has thoughts, the thoughts are not the issue, you just get more of what you focus on, up until the point that you can change your attitude towards the thought. If I asked you if you went upstairs today you would have an answer straight away, however if I asked you a question related to your OCD theme, your anxiety would increase and you would doubt yourself, because that's OCD doing the thinking for you. Once you give it less power it becomes a less significant part of your day. It's so easy to give into compulsions as they feel like a "quick fix".. but as I mentioned, ocd is never happy, which is why it wants us to continue to check and seek reassurance. Once you start reducing and gradually stopping compulsions, whether this is rumination, checking, or a physical action (whatever you falsely believe is "keeping you safe" from your feared consequence) you will see it's not necessary to do them, and that the time consuming little things you have taught yourself to do have no effect on what actually happens in real life. Thoughts prompt feelings and feelings prompt actions - meaning - thoughts cause anxiety and anxiety drives unnecessary actions. As a side note, I overcame contamination ocd (I was in a very very bad way and now the theme doesn't bother me anymore). I still have OCD and it can affect me slightly at times, but i can manage it in a way that it doesn't interfere with my day and without the need to carry out compulsions. Please practice, because I promise it helps, it's super scary at first and extremely difficult but the end result is worth it. ERP therapy is also very helpful.

Hello everyone, I'm writing this because I've been struggling heavily for the past two months. I went through a breakup that I won't go into vast detail about. However, it was very abrupt with little "closure" or reasoning. It was simply based off of intuition from the other person, which is completely valid - he also said I didn't do anything wrong. This uncertainty already sounds like an OCD nightmare, which is why I'm sharing my story. There was no incompatibility, unshared values, patterns. Probably just no communication on his end towards when he started having this feeling. I thought this person was MY person, and it certainly was heavily reciprocated and initiated by him. He is also my coworker, and someone I went into a relationship with massive intentions, the slow burn and serendipity of it was special to me. This connection was a safe space and I put all my trust into him, he was my rock romantically and when things were good, he really built that trust up with me and I never wanted to let it go. I also thought I was a good partner, and tried my best. Of course I still had my family/friends, school, apartment life, career. I really felt like everything in my life had lined up and this relationship was the cherry on top for a while. Obviously we both made mistakes and there was ups and downs, but I never once questioned my love for him or thought he might suddenly leave. Which is something that can happen to anyone. After our breakup, I felt completely lost, betrayed, blindsided.....and to make matters worse, I blame myself for everything and my OCD immediately went into max gear. The uncertainty of the entire situation was so scary to me, all I could say or think was that I was scared. And I wasn't ready to face the pain that was about to come, not to mention the OCD already creeping up into full panic mode, especially without a person I considered a huge support system. OCD looks for clarity - not just me as a human looking for clarity. It felt like there was layers and layers of complexity for me that I couldn't face, if that makes sense. Unfortunately, I made a horrible mistake and attempted S. After going through an extremely vulnerable situation at the hospital, I went through inpatient and found it extremely difficult to accept my old life was simply gone, out of thin air. After I came out, I couldn't even be in my own apartment. I didn't feel safe, in a place I worked hard to get and felt "independent" in. Independence was one of my biggest personal values, now I feel anxiously attached. I also didn't feel safe at work, which was once a good distraction for me and something I also worked hard towards, I can't quit. And not to mention, the loss of an important relationship. I sought support from my family, who has been so unbelievably supportive and I also started to try to figure out what I was going to do. It was extremely hard trying to find an Intensive Outpatient Program that would work with my schedule, and also I was set to start my new semester in school again soon. I ended up setting up therapy with NO OCD twice a week. My therapist has been EXTREMELY helpful, and I honestly did not think that finding someone specialized in OCD would be so life changing. Anyway after everything that happened, I'm still struggling with feeling like a BAD person. It's my reoccurring theme. I thought that I was somehow a manipulator because of my attempt. I know I reacted poorly, but I'm also learning to give myself grace for the pure pain anyone would feel and know that it was an isolated incident (never talked about it before, especially not in relationship). I also try to remind myself that my situation is unique and only I know the pain. I also think back again and again, to every little thing I could have done wrong and it hurts me. I think about isolated mistakes or things I said, and think that's the reason why my whole relationship failed. I take the blame for everything. And it all ties back to me being a bad person. It feels like it's never ending. Sometimes I feel good, but it's still really hard to stop the cycle for me. I think about every little thing. I honestly couldn't even slightly comprehend how someone can vastly change their behavior - it felt like he truly died. That person who I got into a relationship, was no longer here. Interpreting his behavior, actions and words has been difficult, not to mention my own - but It's easier for me as I continue to give myself grace knowing that I did what I could within the relationship with the information I had. I also try to remind myself that I took a lot of accountability, and would have listened if things were brought up. The same mistakes I made, were not the same he made - but OCD keeps trying to make me overly reflect on myself only, if that makes sense. Taking OCD away completely - interpreting that is already complex. Adding OCD, it's horrible...my brain keep trying to find certainty in SOMETHING, anything. So little things come to my head, and suddenly I'm a bad person. Suddenly, he's reached happiness and I lost him because....I'm a bad person. Suddenly I was too needy, too much, showed my OCD, and he thought I was a bad person. It's honestly exhausting. I've never hid my OCD, but I did feel like I was actively working on it and also trying to be a good partner, sister, daughter, friend. I was content, and I wasn't expecting this or maybe I would have been more prepared, I've had breakups before with longer relationships. It's hard to know how OCD just came into FULL gear after this hardship, it's hard to know that - although I was working on it - I felt content and wasn't experiencing symptoms regularly. Suddenly, I was in full panic mode all the time. It's made me question my entire reality, I hope this makes sense. I know the levels of this were traumatic, and I am doing A LOT better just two months in. I'm looking forward to more progress and hope that I can accept uncertainty more and more. Regardless of how I felt, he can suddenly leave and without reason. And I'm learning that not everything is my fault, and that I have so many good things in my life I should be grateful for. Although when I came out of the hospital everything was flipped upside down, I still have a job....an apartment and family/friends and school, not to mention the work I need to do on myself and OCD. Maybe one aspect of my life (relationship), is gone - but everything else is still there. It's hard, I've been staying with my mom and this weekend I'm going back to my apartment to face my loneliness. With the help of my therapist, I'm learning to be uncomfortable in my apartment. I think this experience has COMPLETELY broken me as a person, but because of it I was able to face my OCD head on in a way I've NEVER had to do before. I could have probably kept it symptom free for the most part, but this has challenged me in a way I never thought possible - almost as if - I get through this, I might be able to defeat it. And also understand pain on such a deep level, that I can be there for my family, friends, etc in a new way I never thought possible. I probably forgot to include a lot of stuff, but lets just accept that it's extremely complex to explain - and all I know is that I'm not a bad person because OCD says so.....separating the relationship from the attempt. In the relationship, I tried my absolute best and we both made mistakes. In the attempt, I can acknowledge my pain and move forward from it in a non judgmental and graceful way. Even though I delt with extreme guilt for putting my family through something they couldn't understand and guilt for myself and for everyone involved, even though I know it's okay.

I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again" Love you!!!