Jealous of Brother

Hey @NevadaCowboy - this isn’t advice. I don’t know if this helps but I thought I’d maybe suggest asking yourself the following questions and then revisiting the emotions attached to the “jealousy”: - Has this been a common theme, “sibling rivalry” throughout your lives? - When was the first time you felt jealous of your brother, what was happening at the time and why? - What had driven you to become a software engineer, what drove you to have prestigious internships, what drove you to publish papers in reputable journals? - What makes you different to your brother? - If we took away all of your accomplishments as well as your brothers, what qualities would make you different or similar. - What makes you feel like you’re the failure? When did you first feel like that. - What drives the “one-upping each other”? For what cause? I’d be interested to know the answers to these questions. I think sometimes when we feel others/the world is unfair, asking ourselves simple questions to understand the situation can direct us to what’s really causing us grief. I wonder if your brother had a little more trouble going to school, getting the job, didn’t do things conventionally, traditionally, and you did. Sometimes parents can seem to favour children when they’re worried, or sighing relief and praising a/n (adult) child when they secure a sense of security (i.e., land a job). Your parents probably are just as proud of you, it just doesn’t look that way because they were never worried whether you’d be ok, they knew you had it handled and could go to uni, get the job, etc. The problem with this dynamic is that it seems that your brother gets all the praise, and you get none. Rather it’s your brother gets all the worry, and you don’t. I’ve been there. I could be wrong. These are just my thoughts.

It seems like he may also be jealous of you in some ways. You also respect some of his qualities and that shows your maturity. You seem to have been true to yourself in that you followed what you felt passionate about but opportunities don't seem to be presenting themselves.tWhat goals could you maybe set to become more firm in your own values

And for the record, I’m not in good terms with this person. We’ve been constantly at war with each other, trying to one up each other.

It seems like a good exercise, I’ll answer your questions: 1. It was an on-and-off relationship. We’d be pissed off at each other one day, but next day it seemed like nothing happened. But things went south right after I got my PhD. We don’t talk to each other at all anymore. Let’s just say he was trying to give me some honest advice as to how my life has always been buried in books, and wanted to see more of a change. But I snapped at the perceived criticism and since then, we hate each others’ guts. 2. First time was back during COVID pandemic. I was jealous of how he seemed to not be phased at all during the whole thing. But on the other hand, my OCD as always overreacted and I really thought I was going to die just by touching a doorknob. But he seemed chill and detached, happy singing along. 3. So back in 2011, I got my BSc in math. I love math, but I came home to my parents after graduation. They really wanted me to get a job and were constantly telling me to do it. Deadlines for grad school applications passed and so I had to find that first job. Just with that undergrad degree, I got a good paying software engineering job. But I wasn’t happy at my job. It just wasn’t my thing. So after completing a MS and 6 years as a software engineer, I went for a PhD. The internships were a result of my PhD advisor suggestions as he wanted someone in industry. The papers were also suggested, after a long painful process of polishing my dissertation to his liking. He almost didn’t pass me, because the dissertation wasn’t ‘perfect’ (talk about someone with OCD lol). 4. My brother is someone who is authentic to himself, something I’m jealous of too. He doesn’t need any external reassurance or validation. He’s happy and is able to take out toxic people from his life (myself included). Me, on the other hand, am very much motivated by external forces and lack a true sense of self. I’ve always lived my life pleasing others, afraid of rejection and abandonment. 5. I guess we’re both in a way alike in that we love our parents and are both kind and helpful people. But, he is able to draw boundaries with those who are ‘toxic’, while I would even help the devil himself if it meant I’d get approval and validation. 6. My OCD always been constantly making me feel like this. But, now it’s more of a tangible result. The cold-hearted truth is that he’s making more and has the better job. Also, after finishing the PhD I thought I’d had it made. As if I was going to have something lined up for me doing a postdoc or some other fancy stuff. But, the harsh reality is that a PhD makes you overqualified and postdocs are very hard to get. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when an interviewer for a teaching job told me I wasn’t qualified to teach high school algebra. Seriously??? 7. It’s mostly trying to impress mom and dad. It’s a competition to be the first who is self made and doesn’t depend anymore on them for anything. Who’s got the better quality of life? So he had more trouble indeed. It’s mainly due to his ADHD which he refuses to get treatment for. He’s failed many courses and mom and dad still pay for his school. I even helped him out once with a math class. I think you’re onto something. Yeah it seems like I’m the golden child and he’s the scapegoat, as much as I hate saying that.