Feeling lonely and worthless

Yesterday I convinced myself I am OK with being alone, no real friends, husband working away at weekdays. I was just fine. As if I had accepted my destiny. Today I feel lonely and incompetent and worthless. I blame myself for developing ocd, for not overcoming it in way over 30 years, for feeling tired all the time, for not being able to concentrate on one task for longer than 20-30min, for not accomplishing what I had planned on daily bases, for postponing everything, for people not wanting to be a real friend to me, for people using and dropping me like trash, for caring too much, for feeling ashamed, for being too sensitive, for everything possible. I blame myself that I of all people in a large family and relatives, had to be the one messed up and weird and nutty. The one with ocd. Why was I the one who got ocd and no one else? Why me? The rest were inconsiderate, uncaring, selfish, arrogant idiots, and I was sensitive, caring, helping, respectful and nice to people and animals and I was rewarded with ocd. People called me strange, weirdo, liar because I was trying to hide ocd, and in the end I was labeled bad in the family. Why me? I was the only genuinely humane one and the rest called me bad, trash,...? Just because I had ocd. If I had diabetes or epilepsy, would I also be called the bad names. Well they had no idea that ocd was ocd. I don't see those people anymore. I have been cometely familyless and relativeless for almost 30 years. And I still at times feel like they taught me to feel. Worthless. I have a husband. Even with him I felt like a lying hypocrite at times. I couldn't tell him about my obsessions because he wouldn't have understood. And he looked at me as if I was a lying scum. I didn't even trust myself. I felt like I was told I was and not the way I knew I was. I know they were wrong. But still... there come the days when I feel exactly the way they made me feel when I was just getting to know ocd without even knowing it's name. As a young girl, not even a teenager yet. How to feel my own worth? I think I have no control over my life. I just do and feel what thoughts and feelings order me to do and feel. I was supposed to write a long essay today. I have been postponing it for sooo long and I just can't focus. I am furious at myself. When I feel like that, I eat. Which I shouldn't do. When is this going to be over? I need to somehow make me feel better. I am just so gloomy at the moment. I just needed to vent and to feel I am coresponding with another human being. Just to feel less lonely. If you read this, thank you. I just needed human presence. My heart goes out to everyone who has ocd and who feels lonely.

Username: LJP05LJP05

Date posted: 1y ago

You’re never alone here, OCD is probably one of the hardest things to go through and I’m sorry you’re going through it I can tell just from this post that you’re a lovely person and care about many things, I do find it unfair that ocd tends to target the sweetest of people :( I want you to be easy on yourself about procrastinating on your essay, it’s completely understandable why it’s hard to focus when you’re feeling this way Thank you for being brave enough to share how you’re feeling - I want you to know that you’re not worthless and just because it feels bleak right now doesn’t mean it’ll be this way forever (annoying of me to say I know) Please be kind and understanding to yourself - watch a nice film or do something nice for yourself because you deserve it You’re not alone :)

Username: NODANODA

Date posted: 1y ago

Thank you very much. You are very kind. You actually managed to make me feel better to some extent. Which is not easy to do. Thank you so much for your support, understanding and kindness. I don't feel so lonely anymore. I know there are people from all over the world here at NOCD and we all are going through hell with ocd, so I kind of felt ashamed after I had posted my venting message here yesterday. I felt undeserving to bother other people with my problems. But since there is no one here that I could talk to about ocd in person, because they can't grasp the essence of it and imagine what not self-inflicted torture it is, I took advantage of this opportunity at NOCD. We are all here in the same boat and know first hand what ocd does and feels like. I hope you are doing well. If you ever need support, I am here for you. I did lazy around a bit and watched a comedy. Well, I enjoyed it but at the same time the unfinished essay was knocking at my head demanding attention. It hasn't got any yet. I will finish it when I feel better. It's 7:30 here in Europe where I am from. It's a fresh morning. I hope the day will be better than yesterday. I wish I knew how famous people with ocd deal with it so it doesn't ruin what they are famous for. Howie Mandel, famous actors (Leonardo Dicaprio, Julianne Moore,.. M), singers (George Ezra,...),....What's their secret? I hope you have a lovey day today. Thank you again for making me stop hating myself. At least this time and for a while. It means a lot. Thank you for making me feel not alone. 🤗

Username: RMO2023RMO2023

Date posted: 1y ago

You can focus on a task for 20 minutes?! Please share with me your secret!

Username: RMO2023RMO2023

Date posted: 1y ago

Thank you for venting. You are stronger than you think; that's for sure. (Hug)

Username: NODANODA

Date posted: 1y ago

Thank you for your support and for actually making me smile a bit. So you also have trouble focusing and keeping attention. Sorry I don't have a secret. 20-30minutes is actually for the tasks and topics that I am interested in. For the other things it's an achievement if I just start. I soon get tired, when I am tired my hands just grab around for whatever is edible and I eat when I am not really hungry. Just tired. Double guilt comes. For not doing the task and for eating food I am not supposed to. If I ever find out how to be more attentive and productive, I will let you know. I just wouldn't keep my hopes up. 🥴😊 Have a lovely day. May ocd be kind to you today. 😊

Username: Zoë_84

Date posted: 2y ago

Is this OCD?

I read so much on here and then wonder, if most things that bother me are OCD related, or if OCD sufferer's brains just function similarly and that's why we have so much in common. I often wake up and feel horribly alone and overwhelmed by me needing to function on my own. I never had that, when I wasn't alone, so it must be founded in realty a bit at least. But many people live alone and are managing fine, some even choose to live alone. I know I whined about it here before, but I woke up this morning and felt bad again, so I tried to go back to sleep again. As I have to start work soon, I needed to face waking up again and it feels so horrible, to not be able to talk to someone, to hear someone else's voice. I think I mostly write this to not feel that alone anymore... My "friends" told me, that I'll find someone, but honestly, dating while suffering from POCD and ZOCD and many other forms of OCD and anxiety, I feel like a price no one wants. As it went down hill with my ex, I didn't feel like his girl friend that has problems anymore, but as his problem. Sometimes I want to scream at "friends", family and ex partners - "You think I want this? You think I want to live like that? You can go, you can get rid of it by getting rid of me! But I can only get rid of it by getting rid of living! Why aren't you all kinder and more supportive? Why did all of you cut me out, or pretend I don't suffer from mental health issues? I'm more than OCD, I'm also a human being, that has feelings and wants to be loved!" It makes me feel bad and mean, but I want all of the people who mistreated me, because of my OCD to suffer from it for a few months. A full blown bad episode for all of them. I want them to feel it, I want them to understand. I want their annoyed and disrespectful looks turn into - Damn, I get it now, I proud of you for getting up and facing that for most of your life. Rant over. Sorry for ranting, but sometimes anger mixes with sadness and I don't know what to do with it.

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

Feeling Alone And Tired

I’m fairly new to treating my OCD and have felt crazy for most of my life. It didn’t help that no one in my life truly understood OCD and always said I was being dramatic. I very recently (within the past few months) finally got diagnosed with OCD and my whole life started to make sense. However, I recently opened up to someone I really believed I trusted about the intrusive thoughts I have and now feel worse than I ever have before. They essentially called me a psychopath and said they are worried for the people around me. Even though I would and could never hurt anyone. I’ve never felt more alone and broken in my life. I already try very hard to hide my OCD and everything associated with it because no one in my life understands so it’s been easier to deal with it myself than listen to everyone say whatever they have to say about my situation. After what happened today I’m even more inclined to just keep it to myself. I don’t know what I’m expecting from writing this but I figure this is the best place to write what I’m feeling. Going through OCD is hard enough on it’s own. But when people are telling you they think you’re a danger to society and are crazy because of your intrusive thoughts it really hurts. I’m just tired.

Username: zale

Date posted: 1y ago

Isolation

Feeling a little despondent because I had been doing better for a few weeks, making some progress and experiencing less anxiety, but I had a bad flare this past weekend after a stressful week and now I feel like I'm back where I was a month ago and that I'll never get any better than this. I think the worst part is that it feels so isolating. I can't really talk to my friends about it because they don't have OCD and don't understand, and I feel like I'm just burdening them with crazy nonsense and alienating them because they can't relate to anything I talk about anymore. I can't talk to my family because they're tired of having to live with me and fed up with me not making any substantial progress, and me talking about my OCD just makes them angry because it means I haven't been working hard enough to get better and I should be over it by now. It's worse now that I gave them the false hope that I was doing better, but every time I relapse I let them down and they're running out of patience to deal with me. I am an emotional and financial burden to my family and I contribute nothing in return. I can barely leave the house, I'm almost 38 years old and I've never had a real job or any interests outside of my obsessions. My family is pretty much the only thing I have going for me and if I don't get better NOW, my behavior will push them away too. I see people younger than me getting help for OCD and I feel like it's just too late, this disorder is all I'll ever be and I'll never be able to recover and have an identity outside of it. I am seeing a therapist but no matter how much they tell me I'm working hard or making progress, I just can't see it and I'm sure they'll give up on me soon.

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Feeling lonely and worthless

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