Everyone. Stay strong and keep fighting. HOCD is difficult. It’ll make you second guess yourself. Picture the worst case scenarios. Make you doubt what is fundamentally you. Like right now I want to ask for reassurance in the subtle form of “does this happen to anyone....” but I won’t. Bc that’s what it wants. I’m going to sit with this uncertainty, and move past it. I want everyone to confidently do the same today. Don’t live in fear. That’s what HOCD wants. It wants you to keep checking. To be 100%. No such thing exists. Fight to live in the present. You aren’t that smart lol you didn’t trick yourself into subverting your true desires. Nothings lurking behind the shadows. You are you.

Well, we are HOCD buds now hahah

Right, like you trick yourself into trying to figure out what makes you happy...to the point where you’re not even enjoying the things that do actually make you happy.

I get it. It’s scary. It feels like a real threat to your happiness. It consumes you. I try to focus on what exactly makes me happy. I won’t reassure you. Things may happen. You’ll deal with them as they happen But no one ever made a life change off of “what if I don’t hate it”...you are what makes you happy. Not what you “won’t hate” or “what doesn’t completely repulse me” Once the fear goes away, the new fear of “why isn’t there fear” will creep in and you’ll deal with that as well. Congrats on the kid

Yeah, I’ve been there before. I’ve gotten to the point where I wasn’t getting the anxiety so I’d try to cause it by making up scenarios to scare myself in order to get a response. I feel like all my recovery has gone to shit now.

Hahaha I don’t know you but you are my friend. I do the same stupid stuff. Congrats. You’re an over-thinker/worrier like me lol

Hey I’m sorry you’re going through this. I slipped recently and went back into my checking patterns but just ended up in the same place. Same conclusion. Please don’t give up. Bc I haventn

Sooo so true. Hocd is scary. It makes you feel like yourself is being removed and replaced with someone your not. At one point you dont know who you are and who you were. Still i hole To believe one day the real happy me returns.

Thank you for this. I’ve been kind of slipping lately but I will always be me, no matter what.

I’ve also been slipping really bad. I had a huge trigger lately. We had a lesbian start at my job and it sent me off the deep end. Like all my recovery has gone to shit. It was always one of my fears that a lesbian would start at work and become my friend and have a crush on me and then make a move and what if I don’t hate it and then I end up leaving my husband and family. Now, I’m back to ruminating my whole day and checking and going through my past. And on top of all this I’m pregnant and I know all this stress isn’t good for the baby. Feeling so hopeless and just depressed. I want these thoughts and feelings to just go away so bad.

I’m too scared to even do the exposures I know I need to do because I’m terrified I will end up doing the rituals during the exposures and I’ll mess myself up even worse. I know I can’t have the certainty but I want it soooo bad right now. I want the reassurance that this is OCD sooo bad.

I also wish that I was dealing with any other type of ocd. I know that the fears involved will always be just as bad but i would rather struggle with anything else. Why does it have to be this?!

You’re right! I’m trying to be proactive and scheduled a therapy appointment. I really didn’t want to because I know my therapist will make me do ERP that’s going to make me cry my eyes out and feel like I have to barf. But I know that where I am at right now is not healthy for me, my baby, and my family. Does your anxiety ever get so bad you can’t force yourself to even eat??

My anxiety just makes me do dozens of reassurance exercises. Really eats up my day. I’m less productive at work. But once I get reassurance I’m bouncing off the walls and can’t stop smiling (at least for a couple hours)

I know what you mean. It’s a lot of the same except for the most part my compulsions are mental. If you don’t mind me asking, how long have you been struggling with this form of ocd?

January 2019 A gay barista approached me at my favorite starbucks and said “I’ve had a crush on you for the longest” I smiled and declined, said I wasn’t gay...but my mind started to race...been downhill ever since... And it also sucks bc my girlfriend used to date women, so it’s a constant trigger when she talks about her past ??‍♂️

Wow! That’s a toughie! I completely get it. I feel triggered even reading that, so I can’t imagine having to go through it! It must be like a giant exposure every time. I’m always worried a woman is going to do something like that to me and that there are other people who know something about myself that I don’t. Like they see the true me, past the “denial”.

Yeah lol it took me a while. I see a therapist and she told me I was being silly and to stop overthinking. It was scary. I’m working thru it

Sooo trueee